A/N:

WARNING: There is no smut in this chapter *cue the awwwws of disappointment*. But, trust me, I will make it up to you in future chapters… maybe a double dose in Chapter 4?

I truly appreciate all of the positive feedback I have received thus far. You guys keep this story alive and I wish I could hug each and every one of you for your patience & support.

Enjoy and, as always, let me know what you think.


-EPOV-

She is gone and I am alone, as expected. Another sleepless night awaits me.

I climb back into bed and stare at the ceiling, spent and confused.

What am I doing? And why do I keep doing it?

Bella just ran out of here like a bat out of hell. No words, just a quick grab of her things and a quiet retreat down the hall.

As if I was diseased and contagious. As if my bed was made of nails instead of feathers.

I am just as guilty. I needed to talk to her. I needed to find out where her head was, whether what we had could evolve into something beautiful. But I let her leave. I didn't stop her from walking out that door. I keep replaying the last two hours in my mind, wondering what I could have done to stop her, but the end result is always the same – she is gone and I am alone.

A familiar knock greets my ears.

She came back.

"You're back," I whisper. She simply nods.

I sit up slowly and admire her body.

Her chestnut locks are loose, flowing down her neck and back. A midnight blue satin slip falls fluidly around her svelte body, the spaghetti straps exposing her elegant collarbone and graceful neck. The gentle curves of her breasts are emphasized by the shimmering fabric, her taut nipples standing at attention for me. The slip tapers to accentuate her tiny waist, flaring slightly to accommodate her slender hips. The fabric stops mid-thigh, showcasing her long, toned legs.

Barefoot and breathtaking, Bella approaches the bed and I quickly stand to greet her. Once she reaches me, her knuckles graze the stubble on my cheek. I welcome her gentle caress. I mirror her touch, bringing my cupped palm to her face and rubbing the crest of her cheek with the pad of my thumb. Her scent draws me in, reminiscent of tulips and sunshine.

"I want you to love me, Edward," she whispers.

I reply without hesitation, "I always have, Bella. I always have….."

My eyes quickly dart from her caramel-colored eyes to her kissable lips. I run my thumb across her bottom lip, hoping she'll give in and allow me to press my lips against hers. She obliges me, nodding in encouragement. I envelop her in my arms, pulling her closer to meet her kiss. I close my eyes and wait expectantly for her lips to touch mine…

But that kiss never comes. I open my eyes to the bright light of mid-morning, not the shroud of night I expected. The essence of tulips and sunshine wafts from the springtime blooms below my bedroom window, not the warm skin at the crook of Bella's neck. The beautiful woman and her midnight blue slip were never here.

She is gone and I am alone.

Again.

As expected.


My room used to be a retreat for me. I could get away from the coldness of the world and find solace in the things that made me happy – my family, my friends, my music, my memories. I could let my guard down, be vulnerable, express myself without fear of criticism or judgment. When I reemerged, I was reborn and ready to face the world.

Now I am haunted by the ghost of "what could have been" and the comfort I once found here is gone.

When Bella walked into my room that first night, my guard was down. I was vulnerable and I gave in. I got caught up in the moment. I didn't think about the ramifications of my actions. I didn't think about the conflict of interest; yes, I cared about her, but I could detach my heart from the act…. or, at least, that it what I told myself at the time.

And I have failed miserably.

Contrary to our arrangement, this is more than just a physical relationship for me. I have been in love with Bella for years. I know Bella's darkest secrets and her deepest fears, things that lesser friends would not be privileged to learn about her. I know her heart and I know what she is afraid of; I have the same fears. We have a lot in common, actually. I think this is one of the reasons why we were drawn to each other as kids and why I am so drawn to her now.

My mother, Elizabeth Masen, died of breast cancer when I was ten years old. She was all that I knew, all that I had, and she was taken away from me. The Cullens – my mother's sister Esme, her husband Carlisle, and their daughter Alice - graciously welcomed me into their family when I needed one the most… but it wasn't enough. Esme could not replicate my mother's love. Carlisle tried to be the father I never had but all I did was push him away. Alice, on the other hand, wouldn't let me cower into my shell. In true Alice fashion, she pestered me to play with her until I relented. And I am thankful I did; if I didn't befriend Alice, I never would have met Bella.

I had been living with the Cullens for a few weeks before Esme and Carlisle felt comfortable inviting company to the house. I was standing in the corner of my room, tinkering on my keyboard, when I heard a knock on my open door. I turned towards the sound. A slight young girl with pigtails and pink ribbons in her hair stood in the doorway and introduced herself to me.

"Edward? Hi. I'm Bella, Alice's friend. Can I come in?"

I turned my attention back to my keyboard, really not wanting to be bothered with her. "Whatever."

She walked over to me and attempted to look over my shoulder, watching my fingers as they bumbled over the keys.

"Do you play good?"

"Not really… but I just started learning."

Bella continued staring at the keys from over my shoulder. "Can I play?"

I abruptly stopped my tinkering. "No. My mom gave it to me for my birthday. It means a lot to me."

"Oh….sorry," Bella replied remorsefully. Alice probably told her what happened.

I started playing again, praying she would get the hint and leave me alone.

"Well, uh…. I think I better find Alice now." I could hear the uneasiness in her voice. She backed away from my corner, attempting to make her exit. "I brought you something… I'll just… put it on the bed."

I didn't even acknowledge her words.

She left the room without a sound.

There was a part of me that felt bad for hurting her feelings, especially since she brought me a gift. The least I could do was take a look at it and apologize to her later. After a few moments of solitude, I walked over to the bed to see what was waiting there for me.

On the bed sat two folded pieces of lined paper, probably torn from one of Bella's notebooks. As I lifted the raggedly torn sheets from my bedspread, a small stone slipped from the pages' folds. It was a flat oval-shaped stone, pearl-like in color and smooth to the touch. I flipped the pretty stone between my fingers and was surprised by the thumb-sized indentation in the stone, just as smooth as its flat side. The stone was probably about two inches wide and one inch long and it sparked as I admired it in the light. Returning my attention to the sheets of paper, I opened them to see what was written inside…

The first sheet was a colorful drawing of the Cullen house with each member of the Cullen family standing out front to meet me as I drove to my new home. All of the stick figures were labeled with arrows signifying who was who. Carlisle wore a burgundy sweater and khaki slacks, Esme wore a long dress with flowers all over, and Alice wore a pink princess dress and tiara. As for me… well, all you saw was my head and my waving arm hanging out of the car window, so I guess clothing was optional for 'the new kid'. There was a bright yellow sun with a big smile on its face, two tall green trees, and dozens of rainbow-colored balloons and spring flowers all around us. In the background, you could see another house. It was drawn a bit smaller, but I had a sneaky suspicion that it was Bella's house... I think the crudely-drawn stick figure next to the house with a big fat arrow pointing to it and the name 'Bella' written above it clued me in. Bella and all of the Cullens waved at me as my red car parked in front of the house. Across the top of the page in crayon-written capital letters, a white banner read "WELCOME HOME".

Home. I like the sound of that.

Then I looked at the second sheet. It wasn't a picture this time, but a note written as eloquently as only a nine-year-old can:

"Edward,

Welcome to forks. I hope you

like it here. Use my stone.

It helped me when my dad died.

It can help you too.

Bella"

She gave me a cool rock and drew me a picture. And I treated her like crap. Now I felt really bad.

I grabbed my rock and walked over to Alice's room to thank Bella for her gifts. The door was open and Bella was alone. She was sitting in the middle of the floor with a sketchbook in hand, surrounded by crayons and pencils of varying shades and hues. I knocked so I wouldn't scare her. When she noticed it was me, her head quickly darted back down to her artwork.

"Where's Alice?" I asked.

"Um…Ms. Esme told Alice that she needed to finish her chores before we could play. She's helping with the dishes." Her brow furrowed in concentration as she darkened the colors in her rainbow.

"Oh."

Okay… so this is going well….

"Uh, Bella?"

She looked up at me and held my gaze this time. "Yes?"

"Thank you for the drawing. It was very good."

"You're welcome. Alice is so glad you're here."

That made me smile. "I like Alice, too."

Bella smiled warmly at me and, at that moment, I knew we would be friends.

I decided to join her on the floor, sitting 'Indian style' facing her. Once settled, I grasped the rock between my thumb and my forefinger and waved it at her. "Thanks for the rock, too. What kind of rock is it?"

Bella put her purple crayon down and grabbed the rock from my hand. "Actually, it's a moonstone worry stone."

"A moonstone worry stone?" I asked hesitantly. "I never heard of that before."

Bella pinched the stone between her thumb and her forefinger, her thumb nicely fitting in the indentation on the stone's face. "My mom gave it to me. She has a lot of stones and gems with healing powers. She gave this to me when my dad was in the hospital."

"It's pretty… but you said it helped you. How did it help you?"

Detachedly, Bella began rubbing the moonstone. "Well, moonstone is a healing stone. It heals your heart when it is hurting, pushes negative thoughts from your mind. And the cool shape?" she said, showing me the indentation in the stone. "That is what makes it a worry stone. You can rub your worries right into the stone… so you don't have to be sad anymore. I rubbed it a lot when my dad died." She continued to rub the stone as she studied it.

I took the stone from her hands and rubbed the stone between my own fingers. The shimmering stone captivated me. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. "Did it work?"

"Well, I don't think about it much anymore, so I guess it did."

I offered Bella's stone back to her. "I can't keep this, Bella. It means a lot to you."

She pushed my hand away and turned toward me. "No, it's okay, really. My mom gave me my own stone to carry around with me wherever I go. See?"

Her hand flew to her neck. A crescent moon, a silver star, and three tiny stones hung from a silver necklace. She leaned towards me to give me a closer look. I held the hanging pendant in my hand, looking at the stones that hung from the chain.

"The green stone is malachite," Bella began. "It protects me from harm. The white stone is the moonstone. And the red stone is garnet. It brings love and good luck." When she was finished, she sat back up and the pendant fell from my hand. Bella lowered her chin to her chest and grasped the pendant reverently. "My dad is always with me, so I don't have to be sad anymore."

Even though her words said differently, I could hear the melancholy in her voice. Bella's head remained bowed as I began to make amends. "I'm sorry I was mean to you earlier."

Her pigtails swung around her as she shook her head, still staring intently at her feet. "It's okay. I understand."

I had to make it up to her somehow. "Well… you can come over and play with my keyboard, if you want…"

Her head shot up and I was afforded another glimpse of her smile. She practically beamed at me. "Thanks, Edward! Maybe later-"

A loud shriek interrupted our conversation. "EDDIE!"

Our heads turned to see Alice, all three-foot-eight of her, standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. Bella and I stood up quickly.

Alice continued her tirade. "GET OUT! GET! OUT! GIRLS ONLY!"

Bella quickly jumped to my rescue. "It's okay, Alice. He just wanted to say hi."

"It's alright. I'll go to my room," I shrugged. This is still Alice's house anyway. I didn't mind leaving the room but I did want to spend more time with Bella.

Alice chuckled softly as I made my way towards her door. A small voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Bye, Edward."

I turned quickly and mumbled my goodbye as I left Alice's room for my own next door.

I crawled onto my bed, moonstone in hand. I wondered how such a small stone could help someone overcome something as painful as the loss of a parent. But it helped Bella; maybe it could help me. Bella's small gesture gave me hope that I would be okay someday. So I gave the moonstone – and Bella – the chance to make a difference in my life.


Eventually, Bella did stop by my room to play on my keyboard. She was awful but I didn't care.

I even helped Bella with a drawing or two. I was not an artist but I don't think my talent mattered to her either.

We simply enjoyed each other's company.

During our alone time, we would talk about whatever was going on in our lives. Any topic was fair game – from who were the meanest kids at school (Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton) to which color M&M tasted the best (I liked blue; Bella preferred brown). At times, our talks became serious. The first anniversary of my mother's death was very hard for me; Bella understood and helped me get through it. Bella felt like her mother distanced herself from her after her father died; I distanced myself from the Cullens and could identify with her mother's behavior. We didn't have alone time very often, but we tried to take advantage of any time we had together to learn more about one another.

After a little goading from Bella, Alice didn't mind if I came in during their "girl time"… as long as it didn't happen too often. As children, it was okay for the three of us to spend time together. If the weather was nice, you might find the three of us riding our bikes around the neighborhood or playing freeze tag in the backyard. The girls probably spent as much time in my room playing with my action figures as they did in Alice's room playing "dress up". When we entered junior high, however, it was no longer "cool" to hang out with the opposite sex… so our threesome was eventually disbanded. Bella still came to the house most days after school (and weekends, of course), so I was still able to see her on a regular basis.

And, boy, did I see her…..

I couldn't stop myself from watching her blossom into her womanhood. Dirty jeans with holes in the knees were replaced with short skirts and barely-there shorts. Kiddie t-shirts with 'My Little Pony' and 'Rainbow Brite' on them were replaced with skin-revealing tank tops that emphasized the womanly curves she developed. Her pigtails and ribbons were replaced with free-flowing, honey-colored waves and shiny hair clips. I won't even talk about her chosen attire for their coveted "Girls' Nights".

She was beautiful and I never had the nerve to tell her.

Our high school years came and went. I was too involved with cross country and track to spare any serious time with girls. Granted, I did have a girlfriend or two but it was never anything serious to me. As Bella grew older and more guys started taking notice of her, I became jealous of all the attention she received. I never had the balls to ask her out, partly for fear of rejection because I was her friend… and partly for fear that I wouldn't give her the love and attention she rightfully deserved. So I watched her date from afar; sleazebag after sleazebag would take her out and I was the unlucky bastard who had to hear all of these tales through the adjoining wall between my room and Alice's room.

Yet despite our outward appearance as simple acquaintances, we still found time for clandestine meetings over her poorly-played compositions on my keyboard or my shoddily-colored drawings in her sketchbook. No one ever knew the true magnitude of our connection and we liked it that way. No matter how big or how small, we sought each other out to share our lives and repair our broken hearts. My room was her refuge, a safe place where we could be ourselves… and I welcomed her openness.

It was during those moments that I learned the most about Bella.

It was because of those moments that I fell in love with her.

I never knew if she felt the same way then.

And I have no idea how she feels now.

My room, once my refuge, is now my jail cell. In this room, I give her power. In this room, I give in to my lustful urges because she asks me to.

And what have I asked of her? Nothing.

Maybe it's time for me to claim my voice in this relationship. A willing participant at first, I can't bear to continue this without letting her know how I feel…. and I think I deserve to know whether she feels the same way or if this really is just meaningless sex to her.

Can the Bella of the night become the Bella of my dreams? Does she even want to be?

Neither peace nor sleep will come to me tonight.


FYI: I posted links about the stones I mentioned and a pic of Bella's necklace under my profile in FF.

Whatcha think? Love me long time? Hate it worse than a New Moon trailer with minimal or no RPattz? Miss the smut? Love my sappiness? PLEASE REVIEW!