HOW AM I HERE?
I've never felt like this before. I've never been allowed to feel like this. I'm a Dilaurentis, I'm supposed to feel strong, powerful. Right now? I'm feeling anything but. I remember my mother giving me advice about making it to the top, about being the best. Do you know what she said to me? Her piece of motherly advice…
"You need to be on top, you need to be the best. You are a Dilaurentis. You need to start understanding what that means" she said that with such a cold stare that it still chills me. When she first told me that I didn't understand. I didn't get why being a Dilaurentis was so special. Why my mother was so adamant that I become this person. She drummed that into me. Day after day, night after night. So you shouldn't be surprised that I became what I feared the most. I became a queen bee. I became a total monster. I became a Dilaurentis. There was one day when I was about fourteen that I looked in the mirror and saw a complete stranger looking back at me. That, right there, was the my terrifying thing I had experienced. Unfortunately for my mother, she couldn't control who I am at my core. She taught me to lie, how to live in my lies. So I did. I let her believe I was the girl she wanted me to be on a complete level. There's only four people who have seen the person I'm meant to be, the one that makes me feel happy. And out of those four, there's only one that makes me feel like it's okay. She's this great girl.
I feel a lump in my throat at the thought of her. Of not being able to be that Alison for her. How? How did I end up here? As I stand at my wedding reception, I over hear one of those four talking on the phone.
"Is she okay?" I heard Spencer question into her phone. This piqued my curiosity. Who is she talking about?
I turn my attention away from the friends I'm talking to, I place and empty smile on my face and I listen.
"Hanna... you know you can't leave her alone. Not after last time" I hear Spencer say in frustration.
Come on Spencer, say a name. "Well, we'll just have to take it in turns. Even if it's from a distance".
At that I excuse myself from the group I was stuck talking to, and walk a little closer to where Spencer is standing. Luckily it's right by the bar. Which, considering my day I could use a drink. Or ten.
"It's different this time, isn't it?" Spencer asks hesitantly. I see her deflate a little and that's all the confirmation I need to know she didn't get the answer she wanted.
"I've got to go Hanna, I haven't seen Ali at all and it is her wedding reception. I'll talk to you later. I love you too" Spencer ends the line and just looks blankly at her phone. I take a glass of wine from the bar and make my exit.
Truth be told I've been avoiding all the girls today. Especially Emily.
I knew she was going to struggle with today, hell I've struggled with today. I couldn't talk to her about it though, I still can't talk about it. When I caught her eyes today in the church it broke a piece of me that I don't think will ever repair. I could see it, I could see her heart breaking. She's always been an easy person to read, it's her eyes. She has the worlds most expressive eyes. I could see her trying to hold back the tears, I could see how pale she was. And there was nothing I could do about it. So I turned away, and kept walking.
It's in my genes. To repress my feelings and emotions. To ignore my desires. To put on a cold front and do what needs to be done. My mother taught me that, she wanted me to be stronger than everyone else. I'm a Dilaurentis, I know how to become that person, the ice queen. The thing is, when I'm with Emily she warms me. I get to be the person I want to be, not the person my family wants me to be. Not this person Rosewood expects me to be.
This is different though. My mother didn't ask me to marry a man I didn't love. If she was still around she would've seen it. She would have seen how unhappy I am. My father I haven't seen in years. After my mother passed away he couldn't look me in the eye. I think I remind him too much of her. And Jason, he's never really been able to let the past go. So he keeps a distance. I invited him to the wedding. Truth be told I'm not entirely surprised he didn't come. I would have liked to have at least one family member here. I guess I don't deserve that. There's a lot I don't deserve.
I find a quite place one the balcony outside and take a minute to try and figure this out. I need to figure out how I ended up here. Sad, scared and alone. And now, god now I'm trapped.
"Ali?" I'm ripped from my thoughts by a familiar voice. I turn to see the youngest Hastings looking back at me.
I get myself together and try to put a believable smile on my face. "Spencer, hey. Are you have a good night?" I ask as I hug the smart brunette.
"It's been an interesting night to say the least Ali. I wouldn't have expected anything less from you" I chuckle lightly at that, despite the fact that it felt more like an insult than a compliment. I don't say anything, I just look down at my wine hoping I can hide myself from Spencer.
"Are you okay Ali? You seem... off" she asks. I knew I'd have trouble getting past her observant eye.
"It's just been a huge day. Y'know? I just needed a minute to get my head together" I say with a small smile on my face. "You need to get back in there and make the most of the bar tab. This place has really nice whiskey" I say in a joking tone. She looks down to her feet and lets out a hearty laugh. Which makes me smile. I love Spencer's laugh. It's so comforting. That's what being around Spencer is like in general. She's always been more of a sister to me than a friend. I think that's why we've butt heads so much in the past. Whilst I didn't get to have any of my real family here, I'm so glad Spencer and the others came. They're the closest thing I have to family now. I'm just scared that my husband won't be as agreeable to that. He's very… opinionated.
She gives me another hug "I'm really happy for you Ali" she whispers honestly into my ear and takes her leave. I just nod and smile as we end the hug, and I watch the closest thing I have to a sister walk away. God, this day sucks.
As soon as I see the door close I turn around and let a few rogue tears fall down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away, but they just keep falling faster. I eventually give up. What's the use? I didn't gain something today. I lost something, I lost something so big and brilliant.
I can't do this. Not here Ali. I drop my wine glass and begin to quickly walk down the stairs that opens up into this beautiful rose garden lit with twinkle lights. Which just makes my tears fall harder. She's always had a thing for the twinkle lights.
I make it to a secluded part of the garden. Here, let go, here.
And I do. I cry, with silent sobs. I fall to my knees, cushioned by my wedding dress. My head falls into my hands and I feel it. I feel my heart break completely. I thought I just needed to vent these feelings out and I'd be okay. I didn't expect this. I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I didn't expect to realise I'm not even close to okay.
I guess this is my fault though. I deserve to feel like this. I got myself into this mess and now, I just have to live with it. As I sit in the middle of this rose garden, surrounded by the twinkle lights, completely alone on my wedding night I realise something. Not only do I have to live with that. I have to live with the regret of doing the one thing I shouldn't have.
I shouldn't have let her go.
Authors Note: So I'm definitely continuing with this story. Updates are going to alternate. I'll do my best to keep them as regular as possible. I'm loving both of the stories I'm writing. I wish I could just sit and write them all day long.
Too bad I have to work for a living.
I hope you enjoyed seeing where Alison's standing in this story.
This is taking an turn down the AU road. Which I'm kind of loving. Stay tuned for more.
Next we'll see where Emily's at, and we may even learn why the other girls are so concerned with her well being.
And what about Ali? Who the hell is her husband and why did she marry a man who makes her so unhappy. Why does she feel so trapped?! I'd love to hear your theories.
