Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does.
"SPIDER SPIDER KILL IT KILL IT MY LOVE!" Legolas yelled.
"Oops I meant Aragorn."
Aragorn stomped on the spider.
"Owww! I think it bit me!!" Legolas cried
"You're ok it didn't hurt you it's only a scratch." said Aragorn
"So it hurts!" yelled Legolas. He picked up a bottle on the ground, opened it, and drank the green liquid inside, thinking it was juice.
Legolas starts to cry really, really loud.
"Quit your whining what are you 3?" Said Aragorn
"I could be," said Legolas
Legolas turns into a baby.
Legolas stops crying.
Aragorn pokes Leggy's arm and he starts to cry again.
"Are we going to hear that all day? Asked Gimli
"Probably a couple weeks," Aragorn sighed.
Legolas ran away, tripped, scraped his knee, and turned back into a grown Elf.
"That was weird," Gandalf said. "Did you drink any strange potions by any chance?"
"I drank something in a green bottle," Legolas said.
"Oh—that was my temporary age decelerator," Gandalf explained. "You should be fine now."
"Great," Legolas mumbled. Then he fainted. Aragorn knelt down beside him and picked him up. He carried him to his room and dropped him on his bed.
"Maybe he was allergic," Gandalf said.
"Nope..." Aragorn protested, and pulled up his sleeve to reveal a huge red mark. "Spider bite."
"NOOOOOOO!" Gimli wailed.
"He'll be okay once Elrond gets here," Gandalf said. "Elrond is the bestest healer in all of Middle Earth! He clears 100,000 platinum a week when he treats just one person—that would be Legolas. His father is rich!"
"Whatever," Aragorn muttered. Elrond walked into the room.
"Okay, what happened?" he demanded, looking at Legolas.
"Legolas was bitten by a spider!" Pippin spoke up helpfully. "Is he going to die?"
"Hopefully not," Elrond said as he bent over the bed and pulled down Leggy's shirt collar. "This looks bad—I'm going to have to use Elf Ointment 6000."
"What's that?" Gimli asked.
"It's the strongest medicine for spider bites," Elrond explained. "I'm also going to have to give him 10,000 milligrams of Shelob's Anti-Poison Poison."
"So you're fixing the poison by giving him poison?" Gimli demanded, flabbergasted.
"Exactly," Elrond confirmed.
"Are you trying to kill him?!" Gimli shouted.
"No—trust me, it's a very effective poison remedy," Elrond insisted. He completed his very brief and very cheap examination.
"What else do you suggest, Dr. Rondy?" Gandalf asked.
Legolas opened his eyes. "...What happened?" he asked, but everybody ignored him.
"Well," Elrond continued. "I'm pretty certain he has the Elven Flu."
"What's that and how do you treat it?" Aragorn asked.
"It's a rare flu that only Elves get. He has to come to Rivendell in order for me to treat it, because I'm the best," Elrond said. Gandalf nodded in agreement.
"Lassie how r u feeling" said Gimli.
"Where did that come from?" asked Aragorn.
"Nothing...just my pet name for Leggy," Gimli admitted quietly.
"Pet name? I thought only couples did that..."
"Why do you guys always ask questions?" Gimli asked.
"I'm not exactly doing peachy-keen, Gimbo," Legolas muttered nastily under his breath.
"What?" Gimli asked.
"Nuthin'" Legolas said.
"Gimbo?" Aragorn asked.
"Gorn, Gimbo, Lassie, Gandy, Froey, Sammy, Pip, Mer, Rondy, Windy, Ren, Eoo, Farty Farry," laughed Boromir, also known as Borri.
Legolas fell asleep.
Aragorn hit him "Wakie wakie."
"Owwie Owwie," Legolas whined.
"Ooh! Ooh! Farty Farty!" Gimli laughed, and then farted.
"Leave me alone!" Legolas said. Elrond poked him.
"Where did Borri come from? I thought he died?"
"I think he's back from his grave, and he came to kill everyone but me cause he likes me more than you guys," said Lassie.
"I didn't come to kill anyone," Boromir protested. He gave Legolas a happy look. "I came to get my Elf!"
"I don't think so—," Gimli began. "He's my Elf!"
"Legolas is nobody's Elf, and as of this moment he's property of me, "Elrond said.
"Why?" Legolas asked. "I don't like you."
"Who cares, I'm your healer, you stupid ungrateful royal piece of royal Mirkwood trash that Thranduil forgot to dump in the forest dump yesterday! If you don't like the way I'm treating you then you can go somewhere else and hope that they want to take care of you, because you're a lousy, spoiled Elf Prince brat," Elrond shouted.
Legolas burst into tears and ran out of the house.
Thranduil came in "where's me Daughter and Grillfriend?" He spilt his Mug of 'special' wine. "Is me daughter married?"
"What daughter?" Elrondy asked.
"I asker from something and I get Nuthin' who are you people? Are you my gardeners I asked form how come I don't get you who ever you are pull out my wedgies I said get it out not make it worse!" Thranduil bellowed.
Legolas walked back into the house. "Daddy, can you please take me home? A spider bit me and it hurts..." he said, and held his shoulder.
Thranduil instantly recovered from his drunkenness. "ELROND! HAVE YOU BEEN SLACKING ON YOUR DUTIES? TELL ME, HAVE YOU NEGLECTED TO DO YOUR JOB WHEN I AM PAYING YOU WITH GOLD AND JEWELS? YOU UNGRATEFUL WANNABE KING! HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY BABY SUFFER!"
Elrond gulped and backed away.
Thranduil smiled. "Come on, Leggy, I'm taking you home, so you can sleep in your own bed."
"No—Lord Thranduil it's not like that—it's all Estel's fault!" Elrond stammered.
"Estel is a good boy, unlike your sons," Thranduil said. "Estelie did you hurt my baby Huh?"
"No" Aragorn said innocently
"Told you so!"
"Estel is one of my sons, you Idiotic!" Elrond yelled
"You guys pick on someone your own size not Estel!" Thranduil snapped. "We're going to Mirkwood!"
