"I said I won't." Zuko's voice sounds harsher than he wants it to.
"Then why are you still moving?" Katara hisses back. "Honestly what were you thinking?"
Zuko opens his eyes to stare at the inside of Katara's thigh. The white of her binding is a sharp contrast against her dark skin. Her muscles flex as she works the water over his back. He exhales deeply... disappointed. He is tried of walking on glass with her, tried of bearing the brunt of her aggression.
"How long have I been out?"
"Three days."
"Where are we?"
"It was too dangerous to move you. We'll bring you back to the temple tonight. "
"I was trying to help you."
"What?"
"You asked what I was thinking... I was thinking that I could help you."
"I don't need your help." She mumbles thoughtlessly.
The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, "I'll remember that."
Katara's natural flow falters for a moment. She knows that she should apologize, make some small reconciliation but when she opens her mouth (despite the best of intentions) she bites. "See that you do"
Zuko feels the cold bandages fall into place. "I'm going to move you so you can eat. I don't want you to help. Your skin has healed but it is still very sensitive." It takes all of his will power not to resist her sitting him up and positioning him. Not to snap at her about the unnecessary over cautious handling.
Katara kneels in front of him with a small beat up bowl and wooden spoon. He recognizes them instantly as one of the few things he had left from his time in Ba Sing Se. He had tossed it into his bag before he returned to the Fire Nation. He never unpacked. That bag stayed in a corner of his room leering at him. He hated looking at it and he did want anyone else to touch it. In the end it was one less inconvenience to handle when he decided to leave.
Katara slaps Zuko's hand down as he reaches for the bowl.
She feeds him.
"I... you didn't have to do what you did. I was ready for that attack."
"Katara, " as soon as he opens his mouth she maneuvers a spoonful of stew between his lips.
"Don't talk with your mouth full it's rude... what I mean to say is that I hate you. It's nicer to say that I hate what you did. But I really hate you." She states it calmly and its as if she had said dinner was ready, Appa needs a bath or Sokka is an idiot. But in spite of the cool even level of her voice her hands are shaking as she spoons up more stew.
He holds his mouth closed.
"Open your mouth... you have to eat. The longer it takes for you to get well the longer Aang goes without a fire bending teacher. The less time he has to train so..."
"This isn't going to work Katara." His voice, just as emotionless as hers had been.
Zuko watches her hands as she puts the bowl down, he hears the click of the earthen dish coming in contact with the ground and echo out into the thick silence. When she speaks her voice is low, a threatening growl bordering the edges. "Are you backing out?"
"No. I will teach Aang and I will put every bit of myself into it. But it's not going to work because Aang won't truly trust me if you don't trust me."
"Don't use me as an excuse. Aang's can make his own decisions."
"Not when he looks to you for approval. That's why I am working so hard to earn everyone's trust- your trust"
"Earn my trust! By what, getting yourself burned?! It was foolish. It was a stupid stupid thing to do"
Zuko stares at her for a moment before letting his head drop to his chest. His hair falls over his face, his shoulders shake and he laughs. He honestly laughs. "No. It was smart... whether or not you trust me. Aang will now. Because I have saved someone that he loves."
Katara slaps him so hard that her hand stings. She stands moving away from him quickly. More out of fear of herself than of him. "Don't you dare, dare attempt to use me to get to Aang"
He is up in a second and has her by her arms. A pain that he can not feel sears its way across his back. All he can feel is the need to shake her, scream at her, break through to her. It's too much like that night at the lake. Accept she isn't a little girl anymore, he isn't a banished prince and it isn't the Avatar he's after. Zuko is mostly a man and Katara is almost a woman, what he so desperately wants now is her acceptance.
"What other choice do I have!? You aren't exactly leaving me with any options!"
"I'm not the monster! I'm not the one that repeatedly tried to kill a 12 year old monk, I'm not the one that burns down villages, attacks monasteries or kidnaps girls."
"I can't keep arguing with you about the past Katara. Now ... right now I have done everything right while swallowing every spiteful word you've spit out! I'm here, I'm fighting besides you. What is it going to take for you to trust me?"
"Not until you're hunted down like a ratsnake or see the ones you love locked up and hurt and killed. Not until you know what that's like will I ever, ever-" Her voice is shaking worse than she is.
"I do"
"You lie" she screams in a voice filled with so much grief that it barely resembles her own. The sound of it ruins Zuko. "You lie!" For the first time since that day when Katara threatened him he looks into her eyes. He sees bitterness born of betrayal, the anguish of abandonment, a rage raised from rejection... Zuko sees himself. He lets her go.
"This isn't the first time I've woken up with no idea of where I am Katara. I know just as well as you. I know what it is like to lose a mother, to watch your loved ones carried off in chains. I know that it is like to be hunted, to be hungry. I know what it is like to be tossed away by a father... to not be good enough. I know what it like is to keep going. To keep moving forward even thought the entire world, the entire universe; the Spirits themselves are against you. I know Katara" His voice is shaking too.
She isn't going to feel sorry for him. Zuko has deserved everything that has happened to him. For being borne into Fire Nation, for being borne into royalty, for being borne... for being borne. Katara sends her hate before her like a shield but instead of giving her space to breathe a moment to think it wraps back against her... winds around her throat so tightly that she is suffocating.
"I hate you."
"I know."
"I hate what you did to us."
"I know."
"I hate what you did to me."
He is quiet for a long time. The only sound between them is her tortured breath and her caged pacing. Zuko waits for the words, the right words. They come with certainty and clarity. It's painful to speak them. Not because it is a lie but because he wishes with all his heart that someone had said them to him
"I'm sorry."
"I hate what you're doing to me."
"I'm sorry Katara."
She stops pacing, her voice is low, her shoulders roll forward, she crosses her arms over herself. "I don't want to hate you... I'm so tired of hating you. It makes my head hurt."
Zuko takes a step towards her. Katara does not back away
"I'm sorry for what happened to you Katara. To your family, to your people. They were wrong. We were told this horrible lie and it was wrong. I was wrong. I'm sorry for what I put you through. There are things I will regret for the rest of my life and what happened to you is among them... Do you hear me Katara? I'm sorry, me... I'm sorry."
He is close enough to touch her.
Katara looks up at Zuko. Her eyes are large and wet... sweeping out like the vast, wide and endless ocean with a storm coming hard and fast upon the horizon. Zuko does not break his gaze even when Katara slaps him again. Hard. Twice.
She does not want his apology or his pity. She does not want to see him hurting and vulnerable. Like a real human being. Like a real person. Like she is. He catches the third strike easily, holds her arm tightly. Zuko's grasp is so draining to Katara and all she can do is stand there wide open and frustrated with herself. And because she can't move past him, because she can't get away from him she goes to her knees before him.
Zuko follows Katara down, catching her up in his arms as he repeats the words over and over again. I'm sorry. And each time he says it a broken bit that has cut into her for the past seven years dissolves into her blood and is carried away by a heavy breath and a shaking sob.
The overwhelming waves of rage and grief suddenly stop crashing into her, stops washing her away. For the first time since Katara can remember the screams within are silent. It is a dull, hollowing, resounding ache. It is a sharp and high relief and to keep herself from floating away Katara anchors to Zuko. She is still.
It startles them both when her arms awkwardly wind around him, when her hands press gently to his back. Her voice is a soft whisper heavily laced with exhaustion.
"Zuko...you've damaged the skin again. Why don't you listen to me?"
He finds the sound of his name falling from her lips pleasant and he wants to hear her say it again. A cool sensation runs through him as he falls forward into her arms. He doesn't realize how much pain he is in until she takes it away.
"I told you not to move." She feels his breath on the hollow of her neck. His heart beat presses against her calm and steady matching her own.
Zuko's reply is a barely audible whisper.
"I won't"
And neither does Katara.
