Chapter 3

Carly

Tonight is my last hurrah in Port Charles. And so far it's been a blast. The music blared, the liquor flowed, and people danced right up until last call. Now, as most of the guests make their way to the elevator, my eyes move around the room to see who is sticking around for one last good bye.

There's Lucas, Mama, and Luke standing by the bar. Jason sits alone at a table across the room. He never stays to the end of any party. This is a real first. His face is stoic and I know he doesn't want to say good bye to me. But he going to do it anyway.

Lucky and Liz are still holding each other on the dance floor. Even though the song ended minutes ago and the lights turned on. The room is rapidly emptying around them but I doubt they notice.

Jax is saying good bye to guests as they wander out. Lulu breaks away from her friends and comes over to hug me.

"You better make me that bedroom in your new apartment like you promised. I'm coming to visit you at least once a month." Lulu says with a smile.

"Anytime you want. And call if things get crazy. Deal?"

"Sure, cuz.."

I watch her walk away and pray she won't make the same types of mistakes I did when I was her age.

"Bar keep," calls out Luke "Your finest champagne, please. It's time for a toast."

Smiling, I wave Jason over with my hand and mouth the words "Come on."

He slowly gets up and crosses over to me. My eyes stay on him the whole time, while I'm overcome by this bizarre feeling of him getting closer to me and farther away at the same time. Soon I will be gone form this place and my easy access to Jason will be over. Who knows when I will see his face again after tonight.

"Gather around!" Luke orders " I have a few things to tell my niece."

"Oh no." I say softly to Jason as I grab his hand and drag him over to Luke.

When all the Spencer's are in a circle and Jax is standing nearby, looking like he is not sure if he should stay or go, Luke says "To Caroline. May she kick butt and take names Spencer style in the Big Apple."

"To Carly." Bobbie said clicking his glass.

Everyone drinks.

Luke said "Another round on the Aussie."

Jax nodded at the bartender and the drinks were poured.

Lucas cleared his throat and then said "Here's hoping my big sister makes the Metro Court: New York a huge hit."

"Good luck, Carly." Lucky said

"Thanks." They really are sweet for doing this. There are times I feel like an outside in the Spencer clan and then nights like tonight when I'm one of them one hundred percent.

Luke said "And to NYC. May it survive the reign of Carly."

Everyone laughed and drank again.

Bobbie came over and said "I'm not saying good bye. Because I know you'll be back again. This is only so long for now, daughter. I love you."

"I love you too, mama."

After a bunch of hugs from my family they all headed for home. Luke was the last one to come up to me.

Luke said "Don't get in any trouble and make your mother worry."

"Do I ever get in trouble?"

"Do you ever not?"

I laugh and promise, "I'll be good."

"I doubt it. But, at least, try and be bold. Knock 'em dead, Caroline."

"I plan to."

He said, " I have no doubt about that." and walked away

Jason's hand was still in mine. His face was impassive. Stone.

Don't close me out now, Jason.

I squeeze his hand and say, "Long night, huh?"

He nods but before he can say anything Jax comes over.

He says, "Call me as soon as you get in tomorrow. We need to go over numbers and talk about staffing issues."

"Sure, Jax. But let me get there and settled in before I worry about all that, okay?"

"Of course. " His eyes drop and he says " I guess I should go now then."

"Yeah." said Jason giving him a hard stare

I suspect Jason thinks Jax is one of the reasons I am leaving. But that's not hardly true. I can get over Jax. Hell, I don't even wonder what might have been with him. It was fun. Now it's over. Simple.

Jason is the one I need to get distance from. But he's, also, the one I also can't let go of tonight. Or maybe ever.

When Jax is gone and we are alone I say to him, "Let's sit., okay."

He pulls his hand out of mine and moves to a table.

It's past 2 am and my flight is at 8 in the morning. But I don't care. I can't let this be over yet.

"Thanks for staying, Jase. I wanted to tell you something anyway. And I would rather do this in person than over the phone later."

"Are you gonna tell me the whole story, now? What you have been holding back about this move?"

Looking at him I wonder how to start. He knows it all already but I don't think he ever really got the depths of my feeling for him. He knows I love him, want him, think we could work as a couple. But he never understood exactly what it costs me to not have a chance at getting what I want most.

Still how can I say it? I've said it all before and he just doesn't hear me. It's like he pulls away the instant I bring up US and he's in a shell inside himself far from me and what I am asking of him.

"I told you already. In this town I see what I couldn't have and I want a break from that."

"Like what? Sonny? Is this all about him?"

"He is who I wanted to talk to you about. If Sonny has another breakdown," I look Jason dead in the eye to make sure we are clear on this point, "don't call me. I can't go through that again."

"I understand. I'll deal with it."

"I'm sorry for leaving you to handle him alone."

"Don't worry about me or Sonny. If you have to leave to be happy then I want you to leave. We'll be okay."

But will I be okay without you?

I reach out and take both his hands in mine. "I'm gonna miss you every minute, Jase. You are a hard man to forget about."

"Then don't."

"I won't completely. But I have to a little bit. I have to give up some old dreams to get some new ones."

There's another world inside of me that you may never see

There's secrets in this life that I can't hide

Well somewhere in this darkness

there's a light that I can't find

Well maybe it's too far away

Or maybe I'm just blind

Maybe I'm just blind

Three Doors Down

He leaned forward and whispered, "I have to know Carly. I shouldn't ask but I have to."

His eyes are on me. And I see pain in them that I wish I could take away. This is killing me. This is a crazy idea and I'll never pull off finding a way to stop wanting this man.

"Ask." I say softly

"Just who is it you are trying so damn hard to get over?" His voice is low and ragged "Who did this to you? Tell me which one it was."

Why does he act like any other man could mean half as much to me as him? Doesn't Jason know it all comes down to him for me, every time.

There's no way to change that fact. Yet, according to my doctor, I have to try.

So I tell him the truth, one more time before I have to hit the the road, "It's you, Jason. Who else could it be?"

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone

Three doors down lyrics