Hermione tried not to cry. She had prepared herself for this, she had told herself that it would be different, that Hogwarts wouldn't be the same. But she hadn't expected the rubble, hadn't expected that the dark magic still clinging to the foundations had made it nearly impossible to repair parts of the castle, including the old dormitory wings. Things really aren't the same she realized as she looked around, everything's smaller. Fewer people I guess. She sighed. Why did things have to change?It just reminded her of how much she had been altered as well. Hermione wasn't happy anymore, she wasn't secure; in fact she hated her ugly self. That's the worst she whispered in frustration why can't I just be happy? Turning her eyes upward towards the enchanted ceiling she refused to break down. It wouldn't do any good; she'd learned that during the war, hysterics achieved nothing.
An arm wrapped itself around her waist, reminding her of the realities below. Turning slightly she half smiled at Ginny. "It's different, huh?" she asked her.
"Yeah," Ginny nodded, "All the tables are together; no more school houses…I get the whole wanting unity thing, but it still feels bizarre." Shaking her head she scanned the room before breaking into a grin. Waving, she began to drag Hermione into the mass of people. "Come on, I see Neville and Padme," she urged.
As they moved forward it took Hermione a second to register that the noise had quieted some and that the snippets of conversation all centered on her. She faltered, when she heard a mention of Ron.
"I hear they were dating before Ron killed himself."
"I heard they'd gotten married," another added.
"Well, I heard he killed himself over her."
"At least he wasn't a coward like Harry, deserting her."
"My father says Harry refused to come back because he's mentally damaged. You know, some curse of Voldemort's"
It was nonsense, but it hurt all the same and reminded her of what she was missing. Besides, none of the whispers were ever really about her. They were about what she represented. The people she symbolized. She ground her teeth in protest, they don't see me they just see Harry or Ron or any other member of the Order of the Phoenix. I'm pretty much invisible.
"Ignore them." Ginny spoke softly from beside her. "They don't know what they're talking about. They just need gossip. They're vultures," she grimaced in disdain but her eyes sparkled with tears as well.
"I know," Hermione quickly pasted a halfhearted grin onto her face, "and besides, who needs them when we have such good friends." But her smile slid easily from her face once Ginny wasn't looking anymore. What is wrong with me? She questioned, I shouldn't be this upset. Even Ginny's doing better than I am, and she's lost more. But Hermione couldn't shake the sadness, couldn't rid herself of the feeling that she wasn't worthy of the attention, wasn't even important enough to be worthy of the sorrow she was feeling. What had she ever truly suffered, compared to the others, that she should be allowed to wallow in misery?
"Hey!!" Padme squealed as they reached her. "How are you?? Have you seen this place? Do you know where we'll be sleeping? Neville says he heard Thomas say that…" Hermione stopped listening. It had been a long day, full of reminders and ghosts of the past. She was exhausted and just wanted to curl up, and ignore the world for a brief while. Looking around furtively she found that the door was fairly close and she couldn't resist. Muttering something about bathrooms to Ginny, she fled towards the exit.
Once beyond the cavernous hall, she inhaled deeply, and found she didn't know where she was going. She desired a bed but had no idea of how to reach the new dormitories.
For lack of any better ideas she went looking for the library. The smell of books and dark corners had always been comforting; all those ideas to discover, all the different worlds waiting to be explored.
Deliberately placing one foot in front of the other, she focused on her fingers running themselves across the stone wall. She didn't want to think, she just wanted to walk, to breathe, to live in the moment. What more is there anyway? She wondered. The past was too full of lost opportunities and adventures that resembled nightmares. And the future was too unknown, Hermione couldn't stand not knowing what was coming, it meant she couldn't plan. She liked planning, lists made her feel in control. Lately her life had been anything but under her control.
As she wandered aimlessly, the stone walls became more pockmarked and blackened from spells until she realized that her feet had led her far away from the library. She didn't know where to go, she wasn't even quite sure where she was; too much had been destroyed. She guessed it was close to the Gryffindor commons. Sinking to the ground she leaned back against the cool stones.
A shadow fell across her face just as she began to relax. "Well now, what do we have here?" a familiar voice sneered from above.
"Malfoy," she muttered without moving.
"Can I join you?" he asked. Hermione opened her eyes in surprise. Draco Malfoy was standing, hands stuffed in his pockets. The light from behind him hit his hair, creating a halo effect. He looks almost angelic, Hermione mused.
"I'll take that as a yes," he said as he slid down to sit beside her.
Hermione eyed him suspiciously. What did he want? Had he come to taunt her?
Malfoy didn't do anything besides look at her.
"Can I help you?" Hermione shifted her gaze self consciously to the wall across from her, suddenly fascinated with its masonry. His silence was making her nervous. When was the brat going to start insulting her? She knew he wasn't a deatheater but she also doubted he could have changed that much. Would he attack her looks once more? Would it be her teeth and hair like always or was there acne that he could focus his abuse on now? Did she remember to cover up that zit on her forehead? Was her stomach hanging out?
Hastily she crossed her arms to cover her midsection.
"No. I was just wandering around when I found you here." He paused. "And, well…" he cleared his throat "and I figured I should probably thank you for letting me share the train compartment."
Hermione turned her head stunned. "You're thanking me?" She asked incredulously. He looked almost hurt at her doubt, making her realize just how harsh and prejudiced she had sounded. Chagrined she hastily began to apologize. "Look, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I didn't mean to imply you can't be…I mean…I didn't mean…" she dithered, "what I wanted to say was…" she took a deep breath "you're welcome."
Draco was smirking again by the time she had finished. Rolling her eyes she leaned back once more. "Never mind Malfoy, just forget it, you're not welcome. Now go away."
But Malfoy didn't move. His eyes were just as icy as ever, and his smirk was equally as pronounced, but there was something else there; an understanding that frightened Hermione as much as it intrigued her. "I have nowhere else to go," he finally admitted.
Hermione gave up. "Fine, then." Smiling Draco shifted and crossed his ankles; stretching out more fully.
