xXx
Today, Tonight
xXx
Somehow, after that one chance meeting, Riku would manage to catch Taiga (Yes, it was Taiga now, since they were on pretty good terms, and it wasn't like the older boy said anything against it) at the most unexpected times.
Once, they saw each other on the train. Another time, they met at a store. And at that one other time, they bumped into each other at an amusement park.
…Okay, maybe Riku would admit that not all of those meetings were purely coincidental. Maybe he had heard somewhere about which train Taiga rode. He probably had heard Taiga talk about that store once during their little message exchanges (he was able to subtly ask for Kamiya's number) and how the other boy took a particular liking to the shoes that they sold. And it was possible that he had found out about the other's outing with a couple of his friends through some... research.
But that was just a huge maybe.
After all, that one day when accidentally met at that city fair definitely had nothing to do with Riku casually telling Taiga in a text message that the fair had stalls that sold quality sports equipment and clothing. He didn't think that Kamiya was still interested in those kinds of things since the other didn't do much sports now, so yeah, it was such a surprise.
Whether or not it was accidental on Riku's part, none of his friends really did bother to confirm. It wasn't due to their lack of concern, but rather, it was because they feared that if they poked their heads into the matter, something fragile would be broken, and once more, Riku would return to the state that he had put himself in with the alcohol and the fake smiles.
It was better this way.
"Sena, do you need me to come with you to the bookstore? Or maybe you want to have lunch together?" Riku asked. He was in one of his better moods having ridden the bus with Taiga earlier that day.
He had been so active recently, Sena noticed, and that was a good thing, the brunet thought. He had been so worried over his childhood friend, and he was thankful for whatever had happened that turned the older boy this way.
"Um, if it wouldn't be any trouble, that'd be great." It was best to just go with whatever Riku wanted. Sena knew that doing so made the other more satisfied, and thus happier. And when Riku was happy, so was Sena; it had always been that way with the two of them, it was what made their relationship so long lasting.
"I'll come with you- after all, that's my duty as your big brother," Riku chuckled. Up till now, he's still taking the big brother role to heart, Sena fondly thought. "And maybe we can go to that place for dessert. It's been so long since we last went there together, right?"
"…I don't know, Riku…" That was probably the place Riku often went to have a drink.
Sena would have been happy about the fact that Riku wanted him to tag along to the places that the older boy frequented, but to tell the truth, the brunet didn't like seeing Riku getting intoxicated. Sena would try and stop Riku, but he never could. Riku just drank more and more till he would be too out of it that Sena had to carry him back home… though he would have to admit that he didn't mind doing that, at least.
"Aww, come on. I know you don't really like it there, but you're the only one that I can ask. Do it for me, please?" Riku pleaded.
The brunet hesitated for a few seconds before, "…All right. I'll go…" for you.
xXx
They've been the best of friends for over a decade.
For the people who knew them, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary to constantly see them together. After being with them for a while, seeing Riku get so protective of Sena would be normal. If you got to know them, it won't be weird anymore to see them drift off to a world of their own every now and then.
And for Sena… he had always treasured those moments when Riku seemed to think of nothing except him. It was selfish and wrong on so many levels, Sena knew that, but… he should be allowed not to care. Just for this. Just when it came to Riku.
Riku always stood up for him, cared for him, stayed with him no matter what. He had 'grown' because of Riku, and it made sense that he had grown to appreciate the other's presence, too. It also made sense that gradually, appreciation turned to 'like', then 'like' to 'love'. Sena didn't know when it had happened, didn't know when he had started treating Riku as more than a friend or a brother, but it didn't really matter. Knowing that he was just as important to Riku was enough for Sena. Everything will be fine as long as it stayed that way.
"Riku? Sena?" Sena turned around to see a familiar face running towards them. It was their former captain in their first year of high school, Kamiya Taiga.
"Taiga-senpai! Isn't this a coincidence," Riku said.
Taiga-senpai? The last time Sena had met the taller boy, Riku had always referred to him by his last name. Since when-
"Ah, that, yeah. I was just doing some shopping when I saw you guys. Had to greet my former underclassmen, right? Anyway, you guys going somewhere?"
"We're just going to grab dessert at this place... And sure you did."
Riku was smirking and teasing with the taller man. Sena had never seen his friend act like that with other people. Usually, Riku was that way with only his childhood friend.
"Of course! I missed seeing my cute underclassmen!"
"We just saw each other this morning."
This morning? Had that been the reason why Riku had been in such a good mood? Was it all because of Kamiya?
"But it's been a while since I saw you guys together. So you guys are still like that, aren't you? Always so close. Aah, I'm almost jealous of Sena~"
"E-eh? Kamiya-senpai, s-saying something like that…"
"Don't say such stupid things. Sena and I are close because we're like brothers… only just that."
Why did Riku sound so intent in confirming their relationship as something that was only between friends that acted like siblings? Only with Kamiya did Sena hear Riku insist in such a manner about how there was nothing important between them.
Not important.
That was what Sena felt like at the moment. The two men before him were chatting so comfortably with each other that Sena couldn't help but feel like he was intruding, like he was an unwanted spectator… that he was watching two strangers; except, he had known these two strangers, seen them before at a time in his life, so now, it was just as if he was being left out.
Riku seemed so casual as he conversed with Kamiya, so relaxed that even Sena was surprised. It had been so long since he last saw that kind of expression on his friend's face.
It was an uncomfortable emotion; it hurt his chest to see Riku like this. It wasn't because Sena hated to see his friend this way- no, of course not. The pain was caused by the fact that it wasn't him who brought about this kind of look from Riku.
Why can't it be him?
They were considered the best of friends, and yet, not once was Sena able to make Riku smile that way, not since they were in their late high school years. But here was Kamiya effortlessly getting Riku to laugh so heartily that Sena… he should be the one feeling jealous here, not Kamiya.
Because, while the other man seemed to mean so much to Riku that he was able to make him act like that, in Riku's eyes, Sena was probably just a good friend.
Yes, that was what they were. Close friends, surrogate brothers… Nothing more.
xXx
"You're what with whom?! Sena, are you kidding me?! This isn't funny at all," Riku exclaimed, looming over the table before Sena. "Aren't you rushing things? Why didn't I see this happening?! Sena, did I do something wrong?!"
Sena fiddled with his fingers, unsure with how to answer the barrage of questions. He didn't think that Riku would make such a big deal out of this whole situation, but then again... maybe he was also half-expecting this kind of reaction."R-Riku," he forced out a nervous chuckle. "You're acting as if you're a dad who lost his daughter to a guy…"
"That's exactly what I feel right now!" Riku said seriously.
"Rik-… hey, I'm not a girl!" Sena frowned, not amused by the subtle insult that he got. However, he would have to admit that the frown was also partly due to him feeling that, up till now, the other boy can only see him as nothing more than a surrogate family member. It pained Sena so much that he was slowly feeling more and more confident about his decisions...
"That's not the point!" The boy in front of Sena was fuming. "How can you do this to me, Sena?"
It wasn't fair. Riku wasn't supposed to act this way, as if he was so hurt over Sena getting a boyfriend. He had no right to talk, not when he practically did the same to him. "…you're not being fair," Sena mumbled.
Riku blinked. "Come again?"
Sena blushed. "N-nothing… Juumon- I mean, Kazuki-kun is really nice. And he looked pretty sincere when he asked me out and I couldn't say no…"
"Do you know how wrong your words just sounded?! It's not convincing me the least." Riku face-palmed, he really looked out of it. "Why didn't you tell me that you were into guys? Wait, that's not the problem… Why him of all people?! ...If I knew, I would ha-"
A tiny spark of hope lit up within Sena. Maybe… maybe there was still a chance for him. In the back of Sena's mind, he was waiting for some kind of disapproval. Any sign at all that Riku liked him as more than a friend. If the other boy would just say so, if only he would say those words that Sena had been waiting for all these years, then maybe… then maybe…
Sena fisted his hands- he had to give it a try.
"Stop that, Riku, please." He gave a small smile. "Can you… can you just trust me on this? Kazuki-kun really does care for me and I want to give him a chance. This might be good for me."
This is it. It all depends on Riku's answer now.
Please, Riku… please tell me what I want to hear…
"Sena…" Riku looked away. "If… If it's going to be good for you then…Fine, do as you want." He sounded so calm, so nonchalant.
Sena had to hold back his tears. It wouldn't do for him to act like a cry-baby in front of Riku and ruin it all for the both of them. Sena could try making it work… Maybe he could start believing his own words- that giving up on Riku would be good for him. That's right, it's for the best… Riku said so, too.
"…Thank you," Sena finally said in the most convincing happy voice that he could muster.
It was one of the few times that Sena found it hard to keep wearing a smile.
xXx
Riku was confused. He was shocked. He was disappointed. He was depressed, annoyed, angry, stunned, upset, hurt- he was freaking out of his mind as dozens and dozens of negative emotions surged through him all at once.
A silent scream echoed inside his mind- Riku couldn't take it anymore.
A drink, he needed a drink. He needed alcohol inside his system real bad, and he needed it now.
"Give me a glass of whisky," He ordered the instant he was sitting on the bar stool. His order quickly arrived, and just as rapidly, Riku took and drank it in one gulp. The alcohol burned down his throat; he winced as he felt the paradoxical dryness of the liquid slide down.
"Another one," he ordered again. Just a single glass wasn't sufficient- he was still conscious enough to think. "Give me something even stronger, and make it straight."
I need to feel numb.
He didn't care for paradise or haven. All that he wanted right now was to feel so wasted that he won't be able to feel and think anymore about what just happened.
I need to forget. Forget about Sena.
He felt betrayed by the one person he had trusted, by the one person he had always cared for… by the one person that he had really liked…
Liked?
That's right. He really liked Sena, ever since they were young. That was why he was so adamant in being the brunet's older brother figure. He didn't think that Sena would accept them being something more than that, he thought the boy was straight. If he was Sena's special older brother, it was almost like having the brunet for his own, they would still have that special relationship that was almost as good as having each other as lovers. He wanted Sena to be his forever.
"…Riku, I have a boyfriend now."
No… Oh hell, no… no way- no, no, NO!
"Bartender, give me the strongest alcohol you have." Riku's voice came out strangled and hurried.
"Hey, Riku, fancy seeing you here-… Wha-…what are you doing?!"
Who's that…? Stop moving around, I can't see your face clearly. Oh, wait, no, it's the alcohol... Good, it's working.
"What does it look like? I'm getting myself drunk." Riku was shocked to hear himself say those words so contemptibly.
"I can see that."
"Then why the fuck did you ask?" Riku managed a glare. Who was this idiot?
"I wanna know why you're getting yourself drunk," the blur said. "You… You don't look the type. You know, to drink."
"Shows how much you know," Riku spat out. "Why don't you just go away and leave me alone?"
"No." Riku could guess that the other was sitting down on the stool beside him.
"What the-" he whipped his head back to his drink. "Tch. Suit yourself. Bartender? Another glass."
He could swear that the man was staring at him as he rested his chin on his hand - he could feel the man's strong gaze as he slumped even further on the bar top. The man was definitely unrelenting… How unnerving.
"Are you seriously just gonna sit there and watch? You're at a bar- drink something," Riku said as he swirled the contents of the glass.
"I don't drink," was the man's simple, quick answer. "Besides, that much alcohol isn't good for your system," he added as an afterthought. "You of all people should know that."
Riku angrily faced towards where he had perceived the man was seated at. He wanted to talk back and tell the him that he always knew what he was doing, that he was drinking for a reason, that the man should just mind his own business and he should just talk to someone else who cared about his opinions… he wanted to, but he couldn't. He wanted to speak, but before his mind even tried to come up with a coherent reply, it had blanked out.
His eyes had glazed over, sending a jolt of pain through his brain; it was a familiar sensation that often told him that he was reaching the capacity of his tolerance for the alcohol. He could feel his upper body falling limp, surging forward. He tried grabbing on to the bar top at his side but his hands refused to move.
He closed his eyes, waiting for the impact between him and the floor or the stool or whatever it was that he was about to hit. He waited and waited, but instead of a hard, cold surface, soft, warm hands encircled him.
Now that they were close enough, Riku could finally make out the face of the annoying, relentless man.
"Taiga-senpai," Riku gasped out, recognizing the familiar face. "Taiga-senpai… Taiga-senpai," he repeated again and again.
He wrapped his arms tighter and tighter around the other's chest. Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his face as he kept uttering Taiga's name until the words ran over one another and sharpened and blurred behind his eyelids - Taiga-senpai.
Taiga's only answer was calming, shushing sounds as he patted Riku's hair.
It was pathetic, how he was acting so childishly in front of Taiga and how he allowed his former upperclassman to see this side of him. He didn't want to let him see this. Riku was only supposed to enjoy being with Taiga. Being in the other's presence was supposed to make him feel better, feel happier… just like when he was in his first year in high school. Just like when they met again five years after that.
"…Make me happy," Riku whispered, more to himself than actually requesting it from Taiga.
If it was Taiga-senpai, then maybe… maybe I can feel happier again... No, if it was him, I know I'll be happier. He's always made me forget about my anger, even when sometimes he's the cause of it. Even after pissing me off, he's still able to make me smile again… he's the only one. I don't know why but when he's here, I feel better… If it's him-
"No!" Riku covered his ears. "…N-No." He repeated in a softer tone.
I can't… I can't ask him that. I'm not someone weak that I'll have to depend on the likes of him. I'll be fine. I've been fine without him. Why should I need him now? He's nobody. Just a stranger in the bar. He doesn't matter! I can take care of myself- didn't I manage on my own when he left? I did. I'll be fine… I'll be…
"Riku? Riku, are you all right?" Taiga asked, anxiety laced in his words.
"…I'll be fine," Riku managed to say as he wiped the tears off his face. He pushed against Taiga to raise himself up but the other's hold on him was strong, preventing him from sitting up straight. "Taiga-senpai, I said I'll be fine... You can… You can let go now."
Taiga tightened his embrace. "I'll never be good enough for you, will I?"
"W-wha… what are you…?" Good enough for what? Riku wanted to ask, but he felt weak.
It was too comfortable, this position that they were in. It should feel awkward with Riku slightly leaning over and with his face buried on Taiga's chest, but instead, it helped Riku relax. The warmth coming from Taiga's clothes helped relieve Riku from the dizziness he got from drinking alcohol. It felt nice… He wondered if it was all right if they stayed like this for a little longer.
He thought he was hearing murmuring sounds. Was Taiga telling him something? Riku couldn't pay attention to anything anymore aside from the steady beating of the other's heart. It was lulling him to sleep, but he fought to keep awake. He shouldn't fall asleep on Taiga, he had to get up and bring himself home… or at least crash at some hotel.
I have to… I have to… get up and… and… I
A yawn escaped Riku. He nuzzled his head deeper on Kamiya's chest.
Nngh, maybe… maybe I can let my guard down. Just for tonight… Yeah…
"…Senpai… can I… stay… with… you?" Riku said in between breathes.
It took a while before Taiga answered. Riku had thought the other didn't like the idea but, "…Sure," he said.
That wasn't so bad... That's right, with Taiga-senpai, I can let my guard down… even if it's just for tonight…
"But you have to stop drinking," Taiga said. Riku barely managed to comprehend the words.
…Just for tonight… I can do that…
Riku gave another yawn. He was too tired to give a verbal response; his head was too clouded over to think up of anything, much less think up of a proper reply. He nodded.
…Just for tonight.
