The first thing Nezumi asked that night turned out to be something Shion wasn't expecting.
He'd known Nezumi to be passionate. He'd also known that he was probably the more practical out of the two of them. Yet, he never saw Nezumi as sentimental. That's why it surprised him when the first thing the dark boy wanted to talk about was…
"So… where do we stand?"
Shion blinked.
"What do you mean?" He asked, turning so he could see Nezumi's eyes from where he lay on the bed.
Nezumi wouldn't look at him. He was still leaning on his hands as if nothing had happened. It struck Shion again that Nezumi's hair wasn't tied back anymore. It was still long, by most peoples standards, but no longer enough to tie.
"I mean…" Nezumi seemed to struggle with his words. "I've been gone a long time. And our situation before was… different, and even then we could never agree on…. what we were to each other. So…. I thought… maybe we ought to talk about it."
Shion felt nerves flutter in his chest. Nezumi wanted to have this conversation? Now? Already? Shion swallowed. He thought that… based on how Nezumi was before that he'd have more time….
"Well…" Shion muttered, feeling a little out of his depth. How did he approach this? He'd never had to before, though at times he had tried. Him and Nezumi had always just sort of… been. Their relationship changed by the day.
"I guess that's something we both need to decide," Shion hinted, hoping Nezumi might help him out. "I mean, I don't know what you've been up to anymore than you know about me. I still don't know how things might have changed…" Shion tried again to catch Nezumi's eye. What was he thinking? Shion had no idea. Nezumi had always been hard to read, and he was out of practice…
"You kissed me before," Nezumi said— abrupt and indelicate, as if it had been all Shion's decision. Shion blushed up to his ears.
"I did," Shion agreed, just trying to be mature— but his blush wouldn't think of going away. "I wanted to. But that doesn't have to change anything for you. Whatever you want is fine with me."
Nezumi made a noise as if this frustrated him. "That isn't what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?" Shion asked, tilting his head. "What do you want Nezumi? You're the one who came back here. Shouldn't you know?"
"No!" Nezumi protested, finally turning around to look at him. He looked almost angry. "I didn't have time to figure all this out. I just… I wanted to see you."
"Why?" Shion asked, sitting up and staring straight into Nezumi's eyes. "Maybe that's what you ought to be asking yourself. What made you decide now was the time to come back? What made you want to see me?"
Nezumi stared, and against Shion's expectations his expression softened, almost to something sad. His eyes searched Shion's for… something. Shion felt like he might have understood.
"You know." he whispered, trying not to come off too harsh, "Ask me Nezumi. Whatever it is your trying to get me to answer for you. Just ask me."
Nezumi pulled back. He looked surprise, or maybe… startled was a better word— like Shion had struck him. When he seemed to relax, his hand came up to touch Shion's face, soothing the mark on his cheek beneath his thumb.
Nezumi sighed, "I'm trying."
Shion felt his heart beating hard in his chest. His eyes looking back and forth between Nezumi's. Waiting. Like he was holding his breath.
"Shion…" Nezumi said, and his breath brushed Shion's face. Making him tense. "Do you…." Nezumi sort of coughed and pulled back. "God, I can't do this."
Shion let out his breath like a huff. "Can't do what?"
Nezumi looked at him with slight irritation. "Talk! About this I mean. It's… just impossible."
Shion sighed. "No it isn't. You just won't say what it is that you want. And I guess you don't have to, but I'm not going to help."
"What?" Nezumi demanded, sounding mad. "What's that supposed to me?"
"It means I'll be waiting for you to figure this out on your own." Shion said, pushing off the bed and standing up. "I've been waiting; but it seems you still need a bit more time. So it's not that I'm kicking you out, but we are not having this conversation until you've figured out what you want."
"Why is this all on me?" Nezumi demanded, balling up his fists. "I came back for you! Isn't that enough?"
Shion shook his head. "It is enough, Nezumi. Enough for me to want you here, enough to be happy to see you. But that isn't what you're asking for, is it? So it isn't entirely enough after all."
Nezumi shook his head, "You're acting like this has nothing to do with you."
Shion smiled sadly. "Well… I'm not the one who left, Nezumi. I've been here. You're the one who didn't stay, didn't let things happen on their own, and that's fine. It's what you needed. But if you remember, I was there for you then. I wanted you to stay. That was my decision. This? This was your decision. Make it on your own."
With that Shion walked out of the room, leaving Nezumi sitting on his bed, while he sat on the living room couch and pretended to watch TV.
He tried not to show it, but this terrified him. Somehow he felt like this was the right thing, but it didn't mean he wasn't afraid that it would drive Nezumi away again. Or that he had prepared himself for if it did. He just wanted Nezumi to reach out for him too. Just this once with no excuses. That's what Shion was asking for.
Nezumi used to deny that he even cared about Shion. They would be enemies, he used to say. He would kill Shion, if he came to that. They were strangers.
Shion wasn't convinced, but he'd never been certain the other way either. A person can only go so long, hearing they aren't wanted, before they start to doubt if they are.
So Shion was asking. What ever it may cost him, he was just asking to know for certain. After all this time.
Shion didn't know how long it took. He avoided looking at the clock because he knew it wouldn't help. He just stared blindly at the TV and waited for something to happen.
Maybe he's already gone, Shion thought, after a while. Maybe he didn't even want to say goodbye.
It was that thought that kept Shion on the couch a while longer. That kept him from going back to Nezumi and apologizing. Because he couldn't stop imagining that if he went back in there, he would find that Nezumi was gone, and it would all be over like a dream.
At least if he still sat here— if he didn't move, didn't look— it wouldn't be over yet.
Shion had changed.
That was Nezumi first thought after the white haired boy had left. That he wasn't the same boy that Nezumi had left.
Before, Nezumi could remember shouting all sorts of abuse at him. Telling the kid whatever he wanted about hating him, about not needing each other, even threatening to kill him more than once.
Nezumi had never meant it. And somehow, Shion just knew that without getting told. He just stayed and cared for Nezumi no matter what. Regardless of what Nezumi said he wanted.
Nezumi had appreciated that. Appreciated that he seemed incapable of scaring Shion away, because otherwise he knew he would have. Then he wouldn't have any hope. Just like before they had even met.
Now Shion was different. I mattered now, what Nezumi said and did. Shion was refusing to pick up the slack anymore, and Nezumi knew it was fair, but it was also terrifying.
Nezumi wasn't prepared.
"He was right," Nezumi murmured. "I should have figured this out, before I came back. It isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to be gone so long and then ask him to act like nothing's changed. If I didn't want this, why am I even here?"
Nezumi sat on the bed for a long time. Trying to consider how to move forward now, how to be ready to handle this, what to ask for. Because Shion told him he could ask.
"He's too kind to me, even still," Nezumi chuckled ruefully. "He would be within in his right if he hadn't given me a chance at all."
Nezumi thought about it for an immeasurable amount of time and he came to a conclusion.
He needed to be worthy of this chance, or he needed to leave. There was no middle ground. He couldn't ask anymore of Shion than he was willing to give to back. He had to decide.
Nezumi closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
And then…. smiled.
Hadn't he already decided? Wasn't that what Shion was saying?
If he hadn't decided, what was he even doing here?
"Shion?"
At the sound of Nezumi's voice, Shion nearly jumped out of his seat. He hadn't realized how much he'd expected him to be gone until he realized how shocked he was that he was there.
"Yeah?" Shion replied, trying to sound normal.
This doesn't mean anything. Maybe Nezumi just needed to stay. Doesn't mean anything.
He heard Nezumi sigh. "Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all," Shion said, but his hands were shaking. His eyes on the screen seeming blind to seeing it.
Nezumi moved, his footsteps soft pads on the floor as he sat on the other side of the couch from Shion, folding one leg into his lap.
For a while they sat there; neither of them watching but both pretending. Until finally, Nezumi spoke.
"You were right."
Shion swallowed. "About what?" he tried to keep his voice light.
Nezumi sounded like he was smiling. "I was being a coward."
"I didn't actually say that," Shion pointed out, feeling a little guilty.
Nezumi laughed. "You kind of did."
Shion half smiled. "Sorry."
Nezumi shook his head. "Don't be. It's all right. I needed to hear it."
Shion nodded. "And?"
"And…" Nezumi's voice trailed off as he let out a breath, and Shion could feel him turn in his direction. "Can I ask you something?"
"Ask me what?" Shion replied, still keeping his eyes on the television. Nezumi reached out, and took Shion's chin, turning him to look in his eyes.
They sparkled with mischief. "Can I ask you to sit still for the next… oh, I don't know… Twenty seconds?"
"What?" Shion demanded, looking bewildered. That wasn't what he'd been expecting. Nezumi grinned.
"You kissed me, right?" he said, moving forward. He didn't stop until he had Shion pressed up against the arm of the couch, and he was sitting in Shion's lap. "Now it's my turn."
Shion's eyes widened. He didn't have a chance to comment before Nezumi's lip descended on his and smothered his response.
