Abarai Renji sighed and pushed cold food around his plate. A pair of ornate chopsticks clattered against a wooden table as he stood and paced the room, his mind churning beneath a head of bright-red hair. She was safe, that much he knew. Bandages around his chest and arms reminded him what the cost of her safety was. At least Rukia could sleep in her own home tonight, and not have to worry.

She did anyway, he knew.

But not about him.

Not about his injuries or about how goddamn close he'd come to spilling it all to her.

No, she worried about the boy with orange hair and a massive zanpaktou. About the boy who single-handedly gave the entire Gotei 13 their asses on a silver platter.

Even as he held her against him during the escape, Renji knew where Rukia's heart lay.

It became even more obvious after he mentioned the boy's name. Rukia's violet eyes came to life, and her small mouth opened. Renji saw it every time he shut his eyes; saw just how much she cared for the boy more than him.

It reminded him of the years spent at the academy, of countless hours spent in the woods training with a katana until his hands bled. The sensei at the academy all smiled and nodded at him, promised him that with his potential he could become a great fuku-taichou. Those words never failed to send him back into the woods to train harder, to push past the chains that bound him to mediocrity.

The band on his arm should have felt like an accomplishment.

To Renji, it served only to amplify the caged bitterness inside his heart.

He didn't want to wear the armband. It sailed across the room and through a paper wall every chance Renji got. He hated that goddamn thing, hated the reminder of how he managed to consistently fail to meet the standards for first place.

She'd shared his feelings at one time, Renji knew. He's seen it in her eyes before.

Not now.

She didn't look at him like she used to.

Her hands didn't stay on his shoulder for longer than they should, anymore.

His heart refused to acknowledge which failure hurt him deepest – that which bound him to the armband, or that which lit up Rukia's eyes at the sound of another's name.

Renji pressed his forehead against the doorframe and wondered why, even now, he could not move farther than second place.