Katniss:
Peeta met our daughter. I wanted to go too, but I couldn't. I won't be able to do what I know is best for her if I meet her.
I press my back against the bathroom wall, wrap my arms around my middle, and sink down to the yellow tile floor.
Then I rock back and forth with my arms across the womb that never sheltered her, our child, who's both part me and part him.
I hate the Capitol, which seems silly when it doesn't even exist anymore.
…But I've learned today that before I could even be with my husband, the Capitol made our baby through their technological advances.
Beetee is right that these are biological reactions and processes, but they are also human ones…intimate ones…and without our even knowing what happened, the Capitol took possession of some of our most private resources.
I don't want to think about the things they must have done to Peeta, nor do I want to think about them cutting me open to take out what they wanted from me. Won't I think of those abuses every time I look at the child that resulted from them?
Our daughter is not to blame though, and she shouldn't be held accountable.
How could they do this? I ask myself. How could they ever believe they had the right to do this?
Then again, they tried to kill me…and him…many times and through a myriad of means. They thought they had a right to use us as entertainment in any way they saw fit. Why wouldn't they assume they had the right to create a life from our bodies and then force another woman to carry that life?
What were they planning to do with our daughter? Nothing good, that's for sure.
The most benign purpose I can imagine is selling or giving her to a person who just wanted to raise District 12's star crossed lovers' baby. That's not really benign at all though. The worst purpose I can imagine is that since they couldn't torture Peeta and display the results in front of me anymore, they planned to paralyze me by torturing our child instead. She'd have been another person damaged and destroyed…because of me.
The tears come, and once they come I can't stop them.
This is why I don't want children! I can't keep them safe!
"Katniss?" Peeta calls from outside the door. "Katniss, Honey. Come out of there, okay?"
Peeta tries to turn the locked doorknob.
"Please, Katniss. You're scaring me."
Peeta being afraid for me is something I can't tolerate, and I know he's sincere.
I dry my eyes before standing up and opening the door.
Peeta envelops me in his strong arms and holds me like he'll never let go.
Burying my face in the crook of his neck, I stop fighting the tears.
He smoothes my hair with his hand.
Even though he's a man of words, Peeta says nothing. There are no words that can comfort me anyway.
Then I wonder if there could be another reason he's quiet. Even though he wants a child, what the Capitol has done is certainly not how he thought he'd have one. He met our daughter today. It's so much to take in.
"How are you doing, Peeta?" I say as I pull myself back slightly so I can see him.
He leans the top of his forehead against mine, casting his eyes down. His long blonde eyelashes flutter together and then apart. I can feel his hands start to tremble against my lower back. He's been holding his feelings in for me. Now that I've asked, he probably can't hold them inside anymore.
"I wonder…if they could do this without me knowing then what else did they do to me?"
All at once our roles are reversed. I'm whispering soothing words to him, snuggling against his chest, and telling him how much I love him…anything to reassure him.
"I don't like to think about how and why," Peeta continues in a whisper, "because, it makes me feel sick. Katniss, I'm not sorry we have Gloria. I'm just sorry that she came to us this way."
/
Haymitch:
Beetee explained that Peeta asked him to call me, and then he told me the truth about why he and the president asked Peeta and Katniss to come to the Capitol. I knew it had to be important for Paylor to petition the courts to allow Katniss to travel outside of 12, but I was completely shocked when I heard about the child.
I certainly believed the Capitol was capable of such things. Their twisted scientific endeavors created mutts and pods. They killed even the most vulnerable without reservation. The Capitol abused and manipulated victors constantly. When I thought about Peeta and Katniss being used like this though, the news penetrated even my cynical veneer. I wanted to protect them somehow, but it was too late for that.
"It's the girl you are going to have to worry about most, Beetee," I tell him.
"I think you are wrong about that, Haymitch. Gloria is very resilient."
"No, I mean Katniss. She's never wanted to be a mother. She afraid of being a mother."
"Really? Katniss? I can't imagine her being afraid of something like that," he answers.
"Well she is. How'd she handle it when you told them?"
"I don't know. I'm not good at these things. She seemed upset, I guess. I know Peeta met the child alone."
"Katniss didn't go with him?"
"No, she just watched them from outside the room."
I sigh, "Not good. Not good at all. Those two don't face anything apart, not anymore. I'll be there on the next train."
/
Katniss:
"I can't, Peeta! I can't be her mother!"
"But you already are her mother."
"You know what I mean. I can't mother her."
I pace the floor as I continue to make my arguments for why we should not take our daughter home with us.
"I'll end up a worthless heap rocking in the rocking chair by the fire again. She'll grow up hating me because I neglect her…she'll…she'll." I start to break down again. Peeta wants to take her home so much, and I feel so guilty for my inability to give him something he desperately wants.
"I won't let that happen. We have Dr. Aurelius too. We will talk to him if you start to act that way again. I believe in you, Katniss. I know you can be a great mother. You have to believe in yourself. That's something I can't do for you."
"Believe in myself?" I ask angrily as I stop to give him a furious glare. "You think that's all it takes to be a good mother? You don't know anything about what it's like to grow up with a mother who ignores you! Who 'forgets' whether you've eaten, slept, or been to school…who forgets whether she's eaten or slept."
"I don't think you want to start comparing our mothers Katniss…" he says softly.
My heart skips a few beats, and I wonder if it can right itself again.
"Oh, Peeta. I didn't mean it like that."
I sit down beside him, but he turns away.
"If she's with us we can protect her," He says. "We can give her what she needs, Katniss. Don't you see that? And I want to raise our daughter together. Giving her away to someone else who would love her and take good care of her might be a beautiful act of kindness to Gloria under different circumstances. These are not those circumstances."
/
Peeta:
The woman did as I asked, and Gloria has her own doll today. It looks like the other one except that it has brown wavy hair like Gloria's, which makes me smile. The woman also bought a small dollhouse with a few pieces of furniture and several small dolls. There are a few other toys, but the woman says those are Gloria's favorites.
"I told her they were from you, Mr. Mallerk," she says.
"Where does Gloria live?" I ask the woman.
"The orphans' home where I work."
"What's it like there?"
She shrugs. "We have too many children, but we try."
"Does Gloria seem happy?"
"The noise seems to bother her. We find her hiding under her bed sometimes. We think she wants to be alone and maybe that's because she doesn't like the noise."
I imagine Gloria hiding like that. I wish Katniss and I could take her with us today. I'm not sure I will ever convince Katniss though, and I don't even want to think about choosing between my daughter and my wife.
Today I notice more about Gloria.
Her dress is tattered but looks comfortable. Her shoes don't fit. I know what that feels like. Her hair is full of knots.
"Gloria, Peeta is here to see you again," the woman from the orphan's home says.
Gloria looks up from the dollhouse and smiles a little.
"Mommy," she says and holds up the doll wearing women's clothes that goes with the dollhouse.
"Yes, that's the mommy," I say.
"You like the house, don't you?"
She nods.
"Good. I'm glad. Who is this?"
I point to the child doll that goes with the house.
Gloria points to herself.
"You?" I ask in a purposely surprised sounding voice.
She nods.
"Sure, that can be you," I add.
"I have a house that looks a little like your toy house. I live there with my wife."
Gloria crams all the dolls in one room of the house and then shuts it up. She smiles at her work.
Today we are closer together; she's only a couple of feet away while she's playing.
I've kept my hands in my jacket pocket s just to be safe.
Gloria leans over, and with a glint of curiosity in her eyes she pats my arm.
"Brave girl," I say. "Yesterday you were afraid of me."
She pats my arm again and pulls on my sleeve.
So I reach my hand out and pull her into the lightest of hugs. She tolerates it only for a moment even though I think it's what she wanted. Then she jumps up, grabs her doll, and runs around the room giggling.
