*I don't own Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie.*

More than my own life.

The sentence, and the tone in which it was spoken, were filling his thoughts as he fiddled with his bracelet absently. Jasper couldn't get the memory out of his mind even if he really wanted to…

Sitting by his side, Jacob leaned a bit forward, trying to get a glimpse of his boyfriend's face that was partially covered by his shiny wavy hair. He observed him carefully. How his posture seemed different from the usual, how he was acting as if something was consuming him fast and unmercifully, how he seemed so saddened. It was not like Jasper to be so quiet, to be sitting with his back arched and his shoulders slumped as if he was facing a big defeat. It was not like Jasper to be by his side and not be all over him.

Jacob pulled his chair closer and raised his hand to his boyfriend's blond strands.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He asked in a loving tone as tucking Jasper's hair behind his ear.

Some feet behind them, hiding his narrowed eyes underneath the dark sunglass lenses, Edward held his breath and clenched his hands into fists under the table.

Oblivious to both men's anxiety, Jasper sighed, feeling a bit thrown off by being pulled out of his thoughts so abruptly, and turned his face to his boyfriend, his gaze still a little vague.

"Huh?"

Jacob smiled his wide toothy grin, the one Jasper constantly said he loved.

"Why are you so distracted? Did something happen?" His voice was low and light, but it was still inflected with a hint of worry.

Involuntarily, almost unconsciously, Jasper turned his head to where his brother was and glanced at him for a moment. Edward looked away immediately.

"I don't understand." Jasper thought out loud, turning back to the front.

"What?" Jacob asked softly while cocking his head to the side.

"What what?" He replied in confusion.

"What don't you understand?"

Realizing he actually spoke what he was thinking, Jasper exhaled heavily as shaking his head in a slow motion.

"Edward." He answered in an exasperated whisper.

"Baby, I'm not following. You're not making much sense." Jacob said as leaning even closer to his boyfriend and placing his big hands over Jasper's left thigh. "Can you explain to me what's going on?"

Jasper heaved a long breath and closed his eyes briefly, centering himself. Then he looked at his boyfriend.

"I'm sorry I'm distrait. This whole… Edward-ignoring-me thing is getting to me more than ever before." He shrugged. "He's been so… Hot and cold, I mean, he came back just because of my birthday but yesterday, from the moment he arrived on, he barely looked at me, barely talked to me, at the party he vanished without even saying a word to me, but then when we were at the greenhouse and he gave me his present he seemed normal for a moment, but then this morning…"

"Shhhh, babe, calm down." Jacob interrupted him softly in a smile. "You're babbling, and I'm still not following."

"This inconstancy... He seems angry at me… Or saddened by me… I think… He has a problem with me being gay."

Jacob sighed, hating his role at that moment. He had to elicit the truism from his boyfriend and that would hurt Jay, consequently hurting him.

"You think?" He tried to be subtle, but he was aware of the skeptic look in his eyes and the tone of irony in his voice. "How many times have we talked about this?"

Pushing his hair away from his face with his hand, Jasper heaved a sigh and looked away.

"I know." He replied dejected. "I just couldn't believe my brother was homophobic."

"Maybe he's not." Jacob tried to compromise for his boyfriend's sake. "Maybe he just has a problem with his little brother being gay and dating his best friend. Or better saying, ex best friend."

"Either way…" Jasper shrugged. "I hate this."

"His attitude… Or his distance?"

"Both." He replied promptly as turning his injected eyes back to his boyfriend's. "He's my brother, the only one I have. All of this… It hurts me."

Noticing the green eyes he loved welling up with tears, Jacob pulled Jasper into his arms and rested his head on the top of his.

Edward stood up so fast he almost knocked the chair. He walked away faster than anybody could have followed, and kept walking until he reached the gate to the golf course.

At the swimming pool area, Jasper ran his fingers across his cheeks to dry his tears. Jacob put his index finger under his chin and made him raise his face to him.

"Why don't you talk to him? I've told you countless times you should've had a heart-to-heart with him about all this since the beginning."

"I tried." Jasper retorted bitterly.

"Once." Jacob gave back in a sly smile. "It was all too recent, your whole family… Our families were still in shock. But then you should've tried again, you should've insisted, you know that."

"I saw no need to do so..." He swallowed hard. "He was kinda back to normal after the first week. I thought everything would be okay after sometime, and it actually was… Until a bit before he moved away."

"Yeah, but these last two years he only got more distant from you. I still think that, if you had talked to him soon after he moved…"

"I didn't get a chance, Jake, you know that." Jasper's tone was a mixture of sadness and anger. "He didn't give me one, he was always avoiding me… And I didn't have the courage to push, I didn't want to face an open rejection."

"That's not like Edward, especially not if you're in the picture. I'm not his baby brother but he still heard me, and he was honest about how he felt without being aggressive. Why would he act any different with you?"

"It's different between me and him." Jasper countered. "And you lost him anyway."

"I did. But at least we cleared things up, there's no pending issue between us. He seems to want nothing more to do with me, even though I've tried a lot to win him back, it's true. But losing my best friend was the price I had to pay to be with you, and I'm okay with it."

"I'm not okay with losing my brother, Jake." His tone was stern. "He's too important to me, I love him. I need him in my life."

Something flickered inside Jacob's chest as he heard that, but he didn't even regarded the feeling, it was completely stupid.

"Then fight for him." His countenance was soft as he said it. "Fight him if need be. But do something, because he doesn't seem the least inclined to change this situation."

"I don't wanna cross a line." Jasper justified with a heavy frown on his face. "He's put such distance between us, I don't even know how to talk to him anymore… I don't know how to reach out."

"He's your brother, babe… You know him better than anybody else. You'll find a way."

They both exhaled heavily as they held each other, Jacob embracing Jasper as to protect and soothe him the most he could. They remained in a comforting silence for a while, gathering their thoughts and feelings, and then Jay, feeling an uncontrolled urge to solve that issue, pulled away from the safety of his boyfriend's arms.

"He'll be gone tomorrow." He said in a pensive whisper, looking at his bracelet. "I need to talk to him today."

Jacob turned his head to the table behind them.

"He's gone."

Jasper straightened up rapidly and looked back. Then, as memories of his childhood filled his mind spontaneously, he sighed, feeling the sudden tension leaving him.

"I know where to find him."

And that said he stood up, gazed softly at his boyfriend for an instant, and walked away to the path he'd known so well.

He walked slowly, taking his time and preparing himself. Countless deep breaths… Countless sighs… And he still felt hesitant, insecure, and afraid as he approached the spot where he believed he could find Edward.

As Jasper neared the vast green of the golf course his heart started to thump so strongly inside his chest it was getting difficult to breathe properly.

He spotted his brother some feet away, stopped, inhaled slowly in order to pacify his anguished heart, and took determined steps toward him. He didn't halt his march until he reached Edward's side and sat right next to him on the lawn.

They didn't look at each other, even though Jasper's presence was undeniably impossible not to be noticed by Edward, but both their breaths hitched as their hearts jolted.

"Do you have a problem with me being gay?" Jasper asked at once, before he would lose the courage to do so. "Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

Edward, face still stained by his dry tears, huffed, but not out of impatience. Breathing had just been really hard since he saw his brother and his boyfriend hugging minutes before.

He turned his head to the side, looking at the profile he thought so perfect, and sighed.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in clear guilt.

Jasper felt the wave of tenderness reaching him instantly, and turned to face his brother.

Their eyes locked involuntarily.

"What for?" It was practically a murmur.

"For not being here." Edward let the words pour out of him. "For being horrible to you continuously for the last two years."

Nibbling the inside of his cheek, Jasper had a hard time controlling the urge to simply cry.

"Why?" He questioned sadly. "Why did you act like this?"

Edward bit his bottom lip and shook his head slightly, not really knowing what to say… He didn't want to lie but he couldn't tell the truth either.

"I needed you." Jasper affirmed, his voice unstable. "I needed my strength to face all the challenges that my… Exposure brought. And you were not there." They both sighed heavily. "Why weren't you there?"

Breaking the connection of their stare, Edward closed his eyes and turned his head away. There was an avalanche of feelings raging inside of him, and he needed a moment to reign over them, or else he would ruin everything.

"I couldn't." He stated the truth, but only because he didn't seem able to contain it or lie to Jasper at that very moment.

"Why?"

"This is… Too hard for me." His tone was trembled. "I've tried, but I can't…" His voice broke as his eyes filled with tears. "I can't do this." He made an effort to look at his baby brother, to allow him to see, even if just for a brief moment, the true color of his pain. "I can't be around you. Not anymore. It hurts too much."

In a gush of air Jasper released the breath he'd been holding without realizing. And as the tears flowed down his face both men sobbed and looked away from one another, feeling their hearts crack.

''So you can't accept me for who I really am…" Jasper's voice was wavering, breaking in all the wrong places. "That's what you're saying. You've tried, but you can't. You can't see past my sexuality."

"It's not like that…" Edward rushed to try and explain, shaking his head vigorously, still not looking at his brother.

"So how is it?"

Unfortunately there wasn't much he could say without disclosing the truth.

He held his head with both hands and bent his legs so he could rest his elbows on his knees.

"Jay, this is way more complicated than you think…" He said in a whisper, tugging at the hair on the nape of his head.

"What's so complicated about a brother loving the other?" It sounded like a demand, Jasper's voice harsh and grave.

And that made Edward's head shot up and turn to him.

Jasper's green eyes were boring into Edward's gray ones, and the echo of the question made the older shiver visibly.

"You're supposed to love me regardless of anything." It came out as a whisper in Jasper's broken voice. "We're family!"

After having a heavy sob silencing him in a choke, Edward bent his head between his knees and folded his arms over it. And then he simply cried, because that was all he could do.

Jasper, overwhelmed by what he thought was true and by seeing his brother in such pain, also cried, but quietly, as he observed Edward's body shaking with each heavy breath he took.

"I do love you." Edward stated amid wavering breaths and broken sobs.

"But you're disgusted by me." Jasper retorted bitterly.

Another heavy sob broke through Edward's throat as he raised his head and looked into his brother's downcast eyes.

"I'm not." He assured in a confident, stable tone that convinced Jasper immediately.

"So why can't you be around me anymore? Why are you so intent on avoiding me?" His whole face was distorted in pain as thick tears rolled down his flushed cheeks.

"I've just told you." Edward replied in a wavering voice, making a sad frown. "It hurts too much."

"What exactly is hurting you, Edward?" It was a demand, not a simple question. "Tell me."

And Edward was so weakened by the emotions flowing in that moment that he couldn't keep the truth in.

"Having you close… Seeing you with Jake." He confessed impulsively.

He shut his eyes tightly, aware he'd spoken too much... He couldn't take it back, though, it was too late for that. And because he ceased to see, he missed Jasper's reaction to his confession.

With eyebrows drawn impossibly close together and widened eyes, the younger looked at his older brother in sheer confusion, anguish flooding his stomach with a cold weird feeling.

"Why?" It was a tentative, hesitant question. "Why having me close is so difficult? What's the problem about seeing me with Jake?"

Edward took a deep breath, knowing he couldn't, but still trying hard to contain the monstrous fear that took over him. He then looked at his baby brother and gave him the only answer he was allowed to.

"It doesn't really matter why." He stated. "It won't change anything."

And then he stood up, his motion followed by a stunned Jasper. He too stood up, feeling utterly puzzled.

"Explain it to me." He commanded before Edward could take a step away from him.

But his older brother simply took the step, determined to get away from there and from him as fast as he could.

Jasper wasn't having it, though. He held Edward's wrist quickly and tugged on it to make him turn.

"Edward, please."

They looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Both their hearts thundering inside their rib cages.

"I can't. I'm sorry." Edward finally replied in a despondent tone, pulling his wrist from his brother's hand as softly as he could.

Jasper didn't present resistance, mainly because he was too astonished with the possibility that was hovering his thoughts to have any other reaction besides letting him go. He just stared at his brother until he disappeared inside the woods that surrounded the golf course.

When he reached the swimming pool Jacob went to him quickly, not even waiting for him to get to the table. He had noticed from afar that things hadn't gone well… Jasper's distraught countenance said everything he needed to know.

"I think…" Jasper tried to say as soon as his boyfriend was in front of him, but the air got caught in his throat.

He took a deep breath and, looking into Jake's attentive brown eyes, he tried again.

"I think Edward… Is gay."

Jacob, that had just held Jasper's forearms, took a step back in surprise and looked at his boyfriend while frowning.

"What?! That…"

"Would explain everything." Jasper completed. "And that's not all."

"It actually sounds crazy, babe… And you say there's more?"

Jasper nodded slowly, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I think he's… In love…" Jacob frowned even more and cocked his head to the side. "With you."

Both men released a sigh in a sonorous gush of air.