You Can't Be Serious

Chapter Three: Confrontation Is Inevitable

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters. I just like playing with them and making them play with each other.

Warning: Language. Seriously jealous peeps.


"I won't allow it!" Charming glared at the other man, the demanding boom of his voice gaining the attention of the rest of the diner's occupants.

"The law states-"

"I am well aware of what the law states, Father." The viciousness behind the title was more than apparent. "Regina might have forced her way into the tournament, but this crosses the line. I will not have you nominating yourself as an eligible suitor."

George's stare turned to steel, a noticeable sneer curling at his lips. "You are not my son. A fact easily deduced by your constant stupidity. I have no intention of being bound to any spawn of yours, shepherd."

The older man gestured curtly behind him, his glare never leaving Charming. "As one of the two high royals left in Storybrooke yet to nominate a candidate I have come to do so. I nominate Christopher Hansen, better known as Prince Hans, and accept his terms. He will join the tournament for the Savior's hand and has challenged all nominated to a test of strength."

The man in question appeared at George's right. Despite his disarming smile Charming could decipher the greed gleaming in the man's green eyes. Prince Hans bowed respectfully to King James, his royal upbringing showing in the way he held himself. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you. I look forward to competing."

James frowned down at the prince. The man had a reputation when it came to princesses, when it came to power. He wanted nothing more than to ban the cretin from the tournament. However, his hands were tied. After Baelfire and Killian's nominations Snow had declared the tournament open to all eligible suitors. Meaning anyone backed by a high royal, a King or Queen specifically, could gain entry. His wife would not be pleased with the news. They were already at their wits end with the Evil Queen debacle. There were no laws preventing Regina's entry. Women were eligible since the right of suitor was not gender specific. There was no blood relation. They'd even gone as far as to check for an age limitation before realizing both Baelfire and Killian were (possibly centuries) older than Regina. Speaking of the she devil...

"So eager." Regina stalked over to the trio, her dark eyes unreadable. That damnable smirk plastered across her red painted lips as she circled around her competition. "Did you not learn from your last encounter with a Queen, dear?"

A flicker of something dangerous passed over the prince's features. He turned his attention toward the brunette, matching her fake smile. The Evil Queen was not the only one who'd been forced to master the art of both manipulation and diplomacy. "King George has informed me the Day of Trials does not allow the use of magic. I do hope you aren't completely reliant on your particular skill set, Your Majesty. It would be a shame to best an opponent by simple default."

"Compassion does not suit you, Prince Hans." She stood before him, brown eyes blazing with pure loathing. She knew the story of his treachery in Arendelle quite well. Had heard of his banishment from the Southern Isles. This man should not be called prince, the title had been stripped from him the moment his brothers sentenced him to exile.

Charming watched in silence, confused by the little voice in his head rooting for Regina. He attributed the oddity to his hate for George. His twin brother's still evil surrogate father trumped Snow's (questionably) reformed evil stepmother any day. Still, he had a reputation to keep. A reputation that coaxed him to step between two of the competitors vying for his daughter's hand and put an end to their veiled jeers before things escalated. "As there are no restrictions barring either of your entries, this will be settled tomorrow."

"Of course." Hans nodded agreeably at Charming. The docile smile returning to his face. He offered Regina his hand, an unmistakably taunting lilt to his voice. "Good luck tomorrow, Your Majesty."

"Keep your luck. You will need it." Regina offered a haughty flip of her hair and her signature mayoral smile before sauntering out of the diner.

The action sent a scowl across both George and Hans' faces. The two men barely spared Charming a curt nod of acknowledgement before claiming a booth at the opposite end of the diner.

Charming fought down the smirk threatening his lips as he watched her go. The woman might be a conniving bitch but she sure as hell knew how to make an exit. And it seemed her timing was impeccable. Snow rushed into the diner mere moments after Regina left and Charming's heart swelled at the confused pout across his wife's face.

"Was that Regina?" At his affirming nod, her pout worsened. "What did she want?"

He frowned at the question, not wanting to be the one to give his wife the news. After a gentle and extremely careful explanation regarding George's nominee and the mini showdown with Regina, Charming could only wait until the mounting horror across Snow's face exploded. And explode it did.

Snow jumped out of her seat and into a standing position. Eyes dark and distant. Her voice was a near growl when she found words. "This is all her fault. If she wasn't being her usual evil self and preying upon our daughter's stubbornness no one else would dare challenge us. She's trying to sabotage Emma's future. She nominated herself, Charming. She can't just do whatever she pleases."

"Snow, calm down." He curled his hand around her balled fist, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. It took a moment of him pleading with his eyes before she slipped back into her seat. Her free hand rubbing over her eyes in pure irritation. He took her other hand in his, fixed her with one of his charming smiles. "We might not be able to stop her from competing but there's no way she will win. Not without her magic."

Snow's brows furrowed in confusion, in frustration, as she failed to grasp the meaning behind her husband's words. "She has her magic. She has it and she'll use it to-"

"The use of magic is banned from the Day of Trials. She can't use her magic."

"Oh." Well, that changed everything. "Oh!"


Regina hummed softly as she set about brewing a pot of coffee. It was Saturday and she was glad for the reprieve from her mountainous pile of paperwork. She mused that the only reason she'd been reinstated as mayor was to be punished with the sheer amount of budget reports and project requests she had to sort through on a daily basis. There were only so many times she could deny a request to implement a special department for old world sheep disputes or the right to traipse about town in full armor. She especially despised the requests to banish or make the Evil Queen pay for her crimes. The trial she'd been submitted to immediately after their return from Neverland ended in her favor. She wasn't sentenced to exile, wasn't sentenced to a life locked behind bars. No. Snow White and her Prince Charming once again acted with their nauseating sense of righteousness. They declared, in light of Regina's assistance in defeating Pan and helping to save Storybrooke from a greater threat, she would be granted one final chance to prove herself. To prove to the town, and by extension her son, that she was no longer the monster she once was.

Speaking of her son. She eyed the digital clock on her microwave display; Henry would be home from his sleepover in a little less than two hours. Which left her enough time to shower, make herself presentable, and run into town for a few errands. She sipped at her coffee as she mentally went over the ingredients she would need for dinner.

The sound of knocking startled her back to reality. Her dark brows furrowed and she set her mug down with a frown. It was far too early for Henry to be back from his friend's house. And he wouldn't be knocking so much as barreling into the house. Shouting a greeting for her as he trampled his way up the stairs to his room to put away his things. Meaning, whoever her visitor was, they were not on her list of welcomed guests.

With a resigned sigh, Regina pulled her silk robe around her form and tightened the knot at the front. She strode toward the door, toward the incessant and obnoxious sounding knock. Her features shifted, morphed, formed into her practiced mask along the way. When she finally opened the door to find Baelfire standing before her, looking as pathetically clueless as ever, she wanted nothing more than to magically toss him across her yard. Instead, she forced her lips into a tight smile. Her features impassive even while he continued to stare blankly back at her as though he was surprised she'd answered the door in the first place.

It was when his eyes dipped lower, his gaze traveling the length of her figure, that she decided to speak. "I trust you are not here simply to gawk at me."

"I, uh," He tried to shake away the distraction her appearance presented. The last thing he expected Regina to do was open the door wearing little more than a silk robe. A silk robe that she was probably naked underneath and oh shit. He could kind of see why Emma would be a little curious. Despite the brunette's overbearing demeanor, she was hot and damn. What was he there for again? Oh, right. "I came here to tell you to drop out of the tournament."

A dark brow lifted, something vicious gleaming in brown eyes. "You do not tell me what I will or will not do, Baelfire."

"Listen, I get that you hate Snow White. I even get that you want Henry all to yourself. And I get why you think entering this tournament, scheming your way into winning, and making Emma marry you will get you what you want. But if you think I'm going to let you use Emma that way, you're wrong." He fixed her with a glare that wouldn't even scare a toddler. "I love Emma, I love our son, and Emma loves me."

A flicker of something dangerous crossed her face although her plastic smile remained in place. "Are you quite finished throwing your little tantrum?"

He only glared in response.

Regina took it as her cue to step right into his personal space, unflinching. Her voice radiating with barely contained wrath. "You might have attributed half of my son's DNA as is the case with many sperm donors but, make no mistake, you have not earned a place in Henry's life. You are an idea, a new playmate my son will eventually outgrow. As for Emma, you lost any claim to her heart the moment you stupidly followed the instruction of that puppet."

To his credit, Neal didn't shy away from the onslaught. Instead he puffed up his chest, broadened his stance, and glared right back. "And you think, what, you do?"

"I think you wouldn't like the answer to that particular question." Regina's eyes narrowed just a fraction, daring the man to ask what he was clearly trying not to.

They glared intensely at one another, neither backing down from the unspoken challenge.

Neal forced down his fear, poised himself to ask the one question he really didn't want the answer to.

"Babe, have you seen my pants?" Emma's voice sounded from somewhere in the large mansion.

Neal's eyes widened in shock and he tore his gaze away from Regina to look past her. He watched with both horror and excitement as Emma descended the staircase in nothing but a thin white wife beater and a pair of panties she sure as hell hadn't owned when they were together. Her attention was focused on the ground, the banister, the ceiling, apparently searching for the aforementioned article of clothing. It was clear she hadn't noticed Neal's presence at the door.

"I can't find them anywhere. Which, while we're on the subject, reminds me. You really need to stop poofing them away with magic 'cause I can never find them when…" Emma froze at the foot of the stairs, green eyes meeting wide hazel. "Please tell me this is a nightmare."

Regina rolled her eyes almost fondly at the reaction. She hadn't turned away from Neal to face Emma but she could just picture the mortified expression on the blonde's face. She could picture pale cheeks flushed red and stance impossibly awkward. Could picture the twitch of Emma's hands, itching to stuff themselves anxiously into her jean pockets but unable to do so because… oh yes. Rumplestiltskin's spawn was still standing there, drinking in a sight meant for only her eyes. She would have to remedy that.

With a harsh shove to his chest, Regina pushed Neal out of her doorway. She didn't fight the smug grin at her lips when he refocused his attention to her. "I told you that you wouldn't like the answer."

She didn't catch his fumbling response past the sound of the door slamming in his face.

"What the hell is going on?"

"It seems your delightful ex felt yet another urge to claim ownership over you." Regina scowled at the closed door before she collected herself. Regained her cool and turned to face Emma with an expression of mild annoyance.

The blonde sheriff groaned in exasperation. "Can it be tomorrow already? Because this dumb competition thing just needs to be done with already."

"This situation you've landed yourself in should not be taken so lightly." Regina folded her arms across her chest, her stance shifting.

Emma fought the urge to roll her eyes. That was Regina's lecturing stance. She was going into freaking lecturing mode. "Oh, come on. This whole thing is-"

"Though the customs of the old world do not hold any power here the inhabitants of this town still value them. They will not react well to a person, above all a royal, going against their word." The brunette explained as though she was talking to a particularly slow child.

"Okay." Emma placed her hands atop her hips and frowned at the other woman. Her green eyes hardening at Regina's tone of voice. She hated it when the brunette spoke to her like she was a kid. It made her feel stupid. It wasn't like she knew anything about Fairytale Land besides the fact that it had ogres, it was actually called the Enchanted Forest, she was apparently born there, and oh yeah, it was real. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Emma…" Regina caught the hardened, almost hurt, expression seeping into emerald eyes and struggled to soften her tone. She made her way toward the blonde. Hand reaching out with the faintest hint of hesitance to hold Emma's. Her gaze caught Emma's, brown eyes gently coaxing the tension from the blonde's posture. "By accepting Baelfire's request, your parents put their reputations on the line. If you do not follow through with the terms they agreed upon they could lose their titles."

"So they lose their titles? What's so bad about that?" She tugged Regina closer, their fingers lacing. Her free hand landing on the brunette's hip, thumb caressing delicate patterns against the silk of her robe. "It's not like we're living in Fairytale Land."

"Though it may come as a surprise, given the tales your parents are so fond of telling, I am not the only one who has wanted to see their heads on a pike." The mayor allowed the affectionate contact, a small surge of something fluttering in beneath her chest. The reaction to Emma's touch was no longer as utterly baffling as it once was. She reasoned that it was nice; it felt good to be touched in a way that wasn't about instant gratification. "Their titles protect them just as my title, regardless of the 'Evil' attached to it, protects me. Emma," She didn't quite understand why it was so difficult to tell the other woman something she should be ecstatic about. "They've essentially put their lives on the line."

A dark shadow passed over Emma's features at the information. Indignant anger filled her green eyes for the briefest of moments. "So, what you're saying is, I have to marry whoever wins or my parents will lose their royal titles and people will try to kill them?"

Regina offered a frown followed by a curt nod.

If she had to marry the winner to save her family there was not way she couldn't do it. Right? "What if you win?"

The frown at her full lips morphed into a smirk, her brow arching. "If I win?"


The last thing Regina expected upon entering her office was a smelly pirate touching her things. Her very expensive, very clean things. She could see the oily smudges his fingers left all the way from her stance in the doorway. To say the queen was not pleased would be an understatement. As if being called into work on the weekend was not bad enough, as if missing out on spending time with her son was not bad enough, it looked as though she would have to endure yet another unwanted visitor. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Good afternoon, Your Majesty." He bowed at the waist with an exaggerated flourish, one side of his disgusting trench coat fluttering behind him. "I realized I've yet to visit town hall and as a new resident of Storybrooke I thought I might see all this town has to offer."

Regina rolled her eyes when his stare took on a lecherous quality, innuendo clear in his voice and the atrocious waggling of his eyebrows. She settled into her office chair, setting her bundle of paperwork upon her desk and reaching blindly for her pen. She had work to do and was not keen on humoring the man. "What do you want, Hook?"

"I understand your need for revenge. Truly, I do. And I will gladly admit to having a thirst for it myself."

Regina didn't bother to look away from her paperwork as she inquired in a wary, distracted tone. "Your point?"

Really, she shouldn't have been surprised by his next few words.

"Do not use her as a pawn in your revenge against Snow White."

The declaration, almost a blatant threat, caught hold of Regina's attention. Replaced her previous disinterest with something akin to amused intrigue. She set her pen down and leaned back into her ridiculously comfortable chair. Fixing the captain with her signature plastic smile and arched brow combo. It was entertaining to say the least, if not mildly irritating, to be confronted by both Hook and Neal in the span of a day. "And what makes you think I'm using Emma?"

Hook placed his good hand atop the desk and leaned forward almost menacingly. Though his smirk was still in place his stare was ice cold. "Even if what you feel for Swan is genuine she will never feel the same way."

The brunette only smirked, chuckled throatily at his display of misguided honor. She was amused by his attempt at simultaneously attempting to protect Emma and claim ownership over her. "Your accusations are far more pathetic than that idiot Baelfire's. As loathsome as it is to acknowledge, he and Emma have history. I can understand why he might believe he has a right to what is mine."

"Swan and I shared a kiss." He spoke the words through a smug smirk. Whatever was going on between Emma and this woman was fleeting at best. He was well aware of how attractive, how desirable the Evil Queen was and he knew how seductive a beautiful woman could be. Especially a beautiful woman you were warned to stay away from, a dangerous beauty. The kind of woman that would kill you as soon as bed you. Emma was attracted to the danger and once it faded she would want something more substantial. Something like what they shared that day in Neverland.

"Oh, you poor dear. Are you referring to Neverland?"

His obnoxious smirk fell away completely at the mocking question. At the impenetrable fortress of her emotions. He couldn't tell if, beneath the mirthful mask, she felt anything at all. He wanted her to scowl, to glare, to show him anything but the calm amusement he was receiving. "Yes, Neverland. We shared a kiss, a spark of true romance, a connection."

Regina leaned further back into her chair, the action as regal as ever. Superior and completely at ease. His claims hadn't even managed to produce a glare. "Well, pirate, it must not have been as earth shattering a kiss as you assumed. I did wonder what that unfavorable taste was as your precious Swan took me against a tree that night. I'd assumed she found her way into a bottle of rum."

The shock seeped slowly across his handsome face. Anger and disbelief flashing briefly in his eyes before he was able to cover it back up with his smarmy smirk. "You may have lured her into your bed but she will never love you because the fact of the matter is, Your Majesty, I may be a bad man who has done bad things but you? You have done the unspeakable, the unforgiveable. You are an evil witch who has done evil things."

The statement allowed the barest hint of a crack in her armor. A fury burning in her dark eyes, uncovered and raging with the promise of retaliation. "It looks as though I will have to settle your… concerns in the arena, Captain."

"It does look that way." The stared at one another for an elongated moment. Gazes smoldering with challenge. Hook broke the tension, leaning away from the desk and taking a few steps backward. His smirk reappearing. "Lovely chat, Madame Mayor."

Regina watched, eyes narrowed to angry slits, as the pirate swaggered his way toward the door. She allowed him to revel in the victory he thought he'd acquired. Allowed him to swim in his arrogance, to pull open her office door with the thought he would walk away unscathed. Before he could exit her office Regina used her magic to freeze him in place and slam the door shut. She could feel the panic coiling in his stomach, the hint of fear swimming in his veins. He'd provoked the Evil Queen and thought her docile, domesticated, declawed. He arrogantly thought his stinging taunts would go unpunished simply because she loved her son and like everyone else who shared the notion he would pay for his stupidity.

"A word of advice, pirate." The queen sent an electric shock through his immobile form. A sneer marring her features as she allowed her magic to wrap around his pathetic heart. To squeeze hard enough to be painful. "Come prepared." She reveled in the sound of his labored breathing, his pain filled gasps for air. It took more effort than she expected to calm herself, to rein in her magic and release him. "I do not take kindly to being threatened."

The moment he was out the door, Regina let her mask slip. Let herself crumble and fall apart under the hurtful weight of his words.

She will never love you.


A/N: Yes, I know. No sexy times in this chapter. I just wanted to explain the rules of the tournament a bit. Play with other character dynamics. This is what happened. Hope you guys enjoyed it.