Deviation: Choosing
Chapter Three- Beatrice
Everything in Abnegation is about routine, routines that dictate when to eat, when to sleep, when to speak and when to remain quiet. Those routines are drilled into us from birth and they are strictly adhered to. For me they are chains tethering me to an existence that is less than I can be. These last few years the morning routine has been awake, help prepare breakfast and then eat before walking to the school with Caleb.
School has its own schedule but it is still a routine. After school I walk home always with Caleb or one of my parents; so, the fact that I came home today after my test, alone, has my mother looking at me strangely and my father reprimanding me for my selfish lack of judgment. I just meekly look at my food and apologize even though in my heart I am not sorry. Today was the biggest day of my life and until tomorrow will probably be the most memorable one. Today my chains were broken and they no longer lock me into a future of being least.
Four showed me that I am not crazy, that I am not less because I cannot fit into the mold my parent's faction has set for me, I am more. Tonight my father looks worried and the conversation centers on what has been happening recently with the Erudite. I listen half-heartedly as the topic of conversation switches to Marcus and the reports being spread about his son and his reasons for defecting from Abnegation, my father's words not mine.
"Is it true," I ask straightening in my seat.
"Beatrice," Caleb chastises me but I need to know. My mind lists the facts I know and I can understand why I also got an Erudite result but I never considered joining Erudite. I am smart but I am not studious enough to make learning my future.
"Of course not," my mother denies as she looks down into her stew. She answers too quickly and she looks embarrassed but she meets my eyes when she adds. "Children defect for all sorts of reasons."
Our faction leader Marcus Eaton's son transferred out of Abnegation two years ago into Dauntless. The news reports being released claim abuse as the cause for the first Abnegation-Dauntless transfer in more than a decade. I will be the second and since I know that Four was Abnegation and he is not old enough to have transferred even five years ago, let alone ten that means that he is Marcus Eaton's son. Something tells me that his defection was more an escape and I think my mother knows that. This information frightens me and I am unsure how this makes me feel.
"Oh," I murmur as I look down and catch my reflection in the bowl of my spoon.
Dinner is silent after that and then Caleb and I are clearing the table away. As I begin putting the food away I think this is the last time I will be here cleaning with Caleb. The last time I will say good night to my parents.
When my father comes in and tells us to finish quickly so that we have time to consider our choices. I think maybe they know that tomorrow will change everything and when he says, "I—um—we love you," I know he must suspect because even though I know my father loves me he rarely comes right out and says it. I feel tears pooling in my eyes and my heart is too tight in my chest.
I watch as my mother disappears up the stairs with my father and I keep my back to Caleb so that he can't see my moment of weakness. He will know my choice is not to stay here in this stifling cell like house and I don't think I could take it if our last interaction was of being reprimanded for letting my family down. I will have to savor these last moments with them and tuck them deep into my heart. My choice has been made and after what I learned at the table tonight I know that I could never look at Marcus Eaton as the selfless leader I once saw him as.
"Beatrice," It is not a shock when Caleb calls my name as if needing to be sure I know what my duty is, but it is a shock when I hear him say, "Tomorrow when we choose you need to think of the family but you also have to think of yourself."
And his words make tears well in my eyes again because my Abnegation brother is telling me to think of myself for the first time in all the years since I have known him. He must think that I am struggling with my choice and he is selflessly giving me the advice he thinks I need to hear to sooth me. It doesn't though, instead it makes anger flicker to life burning my stomach for a moment before it dies out and I am left with appreciation for my brother and all he has done to help me live in this place.
I just nod and turn back to my tasks putting the rest of the food away while he cleans the supper dishes. We don't speak as we finish up and move toward the stairs and our solitary rooms. We reach Caleb's first and I notice the large pile of books on his desk and I wonder what tomorrow night will bring for Caleb. He is the perfect Abnegation always acting selflessly without needing prompting like I do. I suppose he will follow our father into government service and my heart twists that I will not be here to watch my brother become his future self.
On impulse I step into him hugging him fiercely. His response is minimal and I know I have surprised him and probably made him feel uncomfortable, but I am selfish and I needed this hug. I pull away just as quickly and open the door to my room. He is still standing there with a thoughtful look on his face when I close the door to my room.
I lay in my bed, wide awake, for what seems like hours before I kick off my blanket and sit up. Pushing my hands into my hair I get out of bed and move to my window. I don't bother with a robe no one is awake in the Abnegation sector to see me. The handle doesn't even squeak when I pull open the transom and with the ease of a practiced movement I step up onto the sill and grasp the side wall pulling myself outside. I know just where to put my hands and feet as I scale the short distance to the roof.
I have spent many a night up here after everyone else has gone to bed. Just this morning I climbed up here to try and clear my mind for the test, but now I am here because this little house is too small to contain me and I need to breathe deeply of the bigger world around me. I survey the Abnegation houses around me and look beyond to the darker sections of the city where I imagine the Dauntless to be and I can feel the chains binding me to this place slipping further and further from my body. I am free to be who I decide. Free to choose…Free to be me! After tomorrow I will not Beatrice Priore, sister to Caleb Priore or daughter to Andrew and Natalie Priore, I will be…
"Tris," say to the night sky after a few minutes of deep contemplation. Yes, that sounds right, Tris is a Dauntless name and she won't be tied down with chains she'll break them!
