Disclaimer of dullness: I do not own Bethesda, or Wolf, if I did, I would be currently be advertising a show called "101 reasons why I'm better than you"
Claimer of ULTIMATE POWER: I do, however, own all characters not actually created in the elder scrolls (most characters will be made up, because I haven't played Oblivion in ages, plus, when I was five, the Easter bunny stole part of my brain to make his world domination machine with, so now I don't remember stuff, but I have this neat egg-shaped scar though!)
And now
After 2007 years of waiting
Our scheduled program
Brought to you by
Shnizzle Ma Nizzle
Productions
Vampires are not good vomit buckets
(Or, Lothlyn chapter 3)
Lothlyn whistled as he walked through the town, he body splattered with the remains of the two guards. He stopped and leaned against a wall, where had his friend said he lived? Lothlyn continued to walk, a plump woman selling doughnuts (well….doughnut) passed him, as she walked past, he stole the doughnut and took a bite
"Cool! There are doughnuts in Oblivion now!" he chewed happily as the sound of people busying themselves with everyday 'business' (skooma dealing) met his ears. The thief turned into a shady alley, as he did, many men and women stepped out from the shadows, offering him things
"Wanna buy some skooma?"
"Lockpicks, best on the black market"
"WOWGOLDONLY$14.99PERGOLD"
Lothlyn edged away from the last one, he looked Chinese. The elf began to scud, he wall-jumped to gain access to the roofs of Leyawiin. Lothlyn spied a small house with a green front door, he headed towards it.
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Later, under the roof of Yan-lo-yi, an argonian, and Lothlyn's close friend, our hero was sitting in a comfortable arm chair opposite Yan-lo-yi, sipping something his friend had said was "Native"
"So, how are you?" asked the argonian in a slithery voice
"I'm fine, Grey Fox has gone mad, met some idiotic bandits, had an argument with a guest character" replied Lothlyn
"Ah, I expect you'll be wanting your…..gift?" smiled Yan-lo-yi
"I'm a thief, what do you expect?" grinned Lothlyn
"All right, my long-eared friend, let me fetch it" and Yan-lo-yi got up from his chair and walked out of the room, tail swishing. Lothlyn was desperately resisting the urge to ransack his friend's living room, it was, after all, a force of habit. After some time, Yan-lo-yi returned.
"Why are you holding your hands over your crotch?" queried the argonian, tilting his head
"Shut up. Now give me my gift" replied Lothlyn, the argonian complied, handing him a large box, he greedily opened it and scrambled amongst the packaging, until he found, amongst the name brand Styrofoam, a small piece of paper
"What the hell is this?" demanded Lothlyn
"Well, it is a map to the dwemer mines in the Valus Mountains" replied Yan-lo-yi
"Why did you give me this?" fumed the elf
"Well, rumour has it, well, rumours can't have things, they do not actually have physical form, but, rumour has it, that deep in the dwemer mines lies an untold treasure vault, guarded by a-" Yan-lo-yi looked around, his friend had disappeared, so had most of his jewellery box, and his door was open
"Shegorath damnit!" yelled the argonian as he inspected his jewellery box.
Lothlyn was in a tavern several hours later celebrating his good fortune and luck when a figure entered the tavern. Wolf looked around from under his hood; people were chatting, drinking, and laughing. The vampire remembered what it was like when he could have once been like these people, no, those were painful thoughts. Wolf sat down at a table and pulled a leather-skinned flask from his cloak, he took a short sip.
"Hey! When the sun is down
And, our eyes are drooping
You know what I do?
I come down to the tavern
And I have myself a drink
And then I laugh
'Cause when a beer is down your throat you can't go wrong
HEY! So…..
I'd just like to say to all you non drinkers, 1 2!
FU-" but he was cut of by tripping over someone's tankard and falling onto the floor
"YOUUUUUUUUU!" then he was silent. Wolf looked down at Lothlyn, he blinked, which was something he rarely did. The vampire picked up a nearby tankard, not caring for whose it was, and tipped it over the elf's head. Lothlyn awoke with a start
"YOU BROKE MY WINGNUT!" he yelled, and then got up slowly, Wolf supported him; they staggered to a corner and plonked down at a table
"Th-thanksh" giggled Lothlyn, hiccupping
"Listen, I am here because I heard you" Wolf prodded Lothlyn in the chest "have the map to the dwemer caverns beneath Valus mountains"
"Thatsh right!" praised the thief, nodding vigorously. Wolf slapped the drunken elf, a orc wearing a dress came up
"Free cookie?" he asked
"O RLY?!" yelled Lothlyn, punching the orc in the mouth
"Why did you do that?" yelled Wolf
"'Cause yo' momma told me to!" laughed the wood elf and threw a tankard at a man who was running at the two with a knife
"Ugh, delinquent" sighed Wolf, side-stepping and snapping the man's neck as he passed
"Gesundheit!" yipped Lothlyn happily as he stabbed the Chinese guy from earlier. Wolf grabbed the elf by the arm and dragged him out of the bar
"NOOOOO! I WANTED A MASHED WAFFLE!" screamed Lothlyn
"Worst. Humour. Ever" sighed comic book guy from the corner of the street. Wolf dragged a now sleeping Lothlyn back to a cave not far from the town.
Lothlyn awoke to two large milky white eyes staring at him through the darkness of the cave, and then it hit him, literally
"Ow! What the hell was that?"
"Don't mind the bats" said Wolf "they don't…bite", then the hangover hit him
"AHHH! MOTHER TUCKER! MY HEAD!" yelled the elf
"Ah, ha-ha, that'll teach you to drink" smiled Wolf
"Oh, wait, its just Lord Voldemort" realised Lothlyn "I told you to stop following me! Go torment some random kid with a scar!"
"B-but-" began Voldemort
"I said go away!"
The Dark Lord whimpered and shuffled away out of the cave, there was an appropriate "awwwwww" from the audience
"Screw you! I own this show-book-yes, I meant book" yelled Lothlyn, flipping off the audience, er, I mean, readers.
"So, why am I here?" asked the wood elf
"Because you have the map to the dwemer mines" replied Wolf, bewildered at what strange enchantments were going on
"And you wanna come with me? Well, I'd better call my agent first…"
"No time, let us pack" said Wolf, looking very strategic
"What the hell do you mean? We have all the time in the world!" argued Lothlyn
"Ugh, fine" Wolf gave in "but you're not staying here to long!" he warned
"Yay! Slumber party!" squealed Lothlyn in delight
"Kill me" sighed Wolf, putting his head in his hands
"I can invite everyone! Even those weird vampire hunters!"
"Wait, scratch that, kill me, please"
A/N: Ok, ok. Worst. Chapter. Ever. I know, my humour was very wibbly-wobly, and I know this is perhaps the shortest chapter, but I'm just really intent on Rojo at the mo (READ IT DAMN YOU!)
