Will & zeke chapter 3: Sobriety…
Day 1
As the sun had just begun to rise we find our two young wizards sitting unhappily in their trailer the puppy Lily walking around sniffing and such as dogs do. Today began their first day sober and they were already wondering if the generator they had acquired was worth it.
"This sucks." Said a very sober squirrel.
Zeke just half-heartedly grunted in reply as he stood up frowning and got a cup from the cabinet on the wall above the sink and filled it with water before taking an unhappy sip. He had a headache as did squirrel. After making his way back to the couch with water in hand he took a few moments to pet Lily.
Sometime later the two wizards found themselves in the defense against the dark arts class which was being taught by an unusually smug Umbridge. The two young men had their heads down on the desk desperately trying to nurse their hangovers. Umbridge continued to drone on about this that or the other as the two wizards groaned unhappily at her shrill annoying voice which was simply making their aching heads feel worse. But much to their dismay Umbridge began shouting Squirrel and Zeke rose their heads both scowling now to be greeted with the sight of a shouting match between Umbridge and some kid with glasses on who to them looked somewhat like Theodore from Alvin and the chipmunks.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH LIKE DAMN WE GET IT YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING YOU HAVE A JOB THAT LET'S YOU ACT LIKE A HOITY TIOTY LITTLE CUNT BUT YOU AREN'T IMPRESSING ANYONE YOU'RE ANNOYING NOW I HAVE A MONSTER HANGOVER AND YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT ASSERTING DOMINANCE AREN'T HELPING!" Shouted Squirrel drawing everyone's attention and eliciting a pained groan from Zeke.
"Excuse me?" Asked Umbridge somewhere between bewildered and enraged.
"You're excused, there's the door." Replied Zeke gesturing toward the door.
"See me after class you two and you as well Mr. Potter!" Shouted Umbridge before taking a deep breath and walking back to the front of the class.
Squirrel and Zeke simply put their heads back down doing their best to ignore Umbridge droning on as she seemed to love to do.
After class the two Americans as well as Harry Potter found themselves in the office of Delores Umbridge.
"So does this this office scream demented psychopath to anyone else?" Zeke asked no one in particular as he looked around the small office.
"More like please notice me I need attention." Scoffed Squirrel.
Umbridge glowered at the two of them, then Harry before placing a sheet of paper and a quill in front of each of them.
"You haven't given us any ink professor." Harry said puzzled.
"Don't worry you won't be needing any, now I want you to write 'I must not tell lies' and you two will write 'I will show respect for authority' is that understood?"
"How many times?" Harry asked still somewhat confused.
"Let's just say until the lesson has sunk in." Umbridge responded with a sickening giggle.
After completing the first line each of the three felt a dull pain in their hands that quickly grew more painful and when they looked down they saw the words etching themselves into their skin and settling in their flesh. Harry looked up from his hand to Umbridge who looked back at him wearing a mock smile.
"Is there a problem Harry?" Umbridge asked in a sickening tone of mock concern.
"Of course there's a fucking problem!" Zeke said standing up, knocking the desk over as he did drawing his buck knife a moment later.
"The problem is this is some fucked up shit!" Squirrel added standing as well and kicking over his desk.
"Y-you will sheathe those weapons this instant!" Umbridge shouted clearly afraid.
A moment later squirrel picked up the chair he had been sitting in and slammed it against a cat plate covered wall as Zeke walked over and flipped Umbridge's desk and then proceeded to snap every pen she had so neatly organized in two.
"You two get out of here this instant!" Umbridge screeched at the top of her lungs.
The two Americans spat at Umbridge before picking turning and exiting the room but not before grabbing Harry by the arm and dragging him out with them.
When they got back to the trailer they moved some old beer bottles and food wrappers off of a beat up old arm chair they had found by the roadside and sat Harry down before taking their normal seats on the couch.
"Uhm, not to be rude but what am I doing here guys?" Harry asked not entirely sure what was going on.
"Well ya see what had happened was we kinda fucked the shit up out of her office and we weren't just gonna leave you there to deal with the fall out." Zeke said petting Lily who had taken the middle seat between the two American wizards.
Harry was silent staring between the two who until this point he had thought were nothing but trouble. Squirrel moved his wife beater up slightly and began to pick at his belly button some while Zeke simply continued petting the puppy before pulling an old bagel out of the couch and taking a bite of it. A moment later Squirrel got up and went to the fridge and grabbed three beers he gave one to Harry tossed one to Zeke and popped the cap on the third and started drinking it.
"Well when in Rome I guess." Harry said before popping the cap of the miller high life that had been handed to him and taking a sip.
"Wait a sec I thought we was at pig pimples." Zeke said smiling happily as he chugged the rest of his beer and went to get another.
"The name of the school is actually Hogwarts." Said Harry taking another small sip of Miller High Life. He couldn't help but notice how much different it was from the butter beer he usually drank, he didn't like it.
"Yeah we know we was just havin fun with ya." Squirrel said before opening another beer.
"How often do you two 'have fun' with people?" Harry asked somewhat dumb struck.
Squirrel and Zeke both just kind of laughed before taking a second look at their hands then Harry's before Squirrel reached in the couch and pulled out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide first pouring some over his own hand then passing it to Zeke who did the same.
"This is gonna sting a bit." Said Zeke as he handed the bottle to Harry who winced slightly as he poured it over his wounded hand.
"So if you got a moment can you tell us somethin?" Squirrel asked tossing an empty beer bottle into the corner.
"Sure I mean I guess." Replied Harry confused as he took another tentative sip of beer.
"Ok so there's been some talk about trailer house not bein a legitimitated house and what have ye. So what do we have to do to make it all legitimified?" Asked squirrel as he finished he 5th beer.
"Well I'm not exactly sure if this can become a legitimate house at Hogwarts, but I know that every house has a crest, a house ghost, and of course students to carry on it's name." Explained Harry still somewhat confused as to what the two could possibly be planning.
Several hours later Harry bid goodbye to the two Americans and staggered drunkenly back in the direction of the castle his tie tied around his head. The sun was setting but not quite down yet so he could find his way well enough in his current inebriated state.
"Dumbledore I want them gone!" Shouted an enraged Delores Umbridge at Dumbledore who was sitting in his desk hiding a slight grin behind his hands which were folded in front of his mouth.
"I'm sorry to tell you this Deloris but those young men have what one might call, how would you put it, a sort of diplomatic immunity." Stated Dumbledore calmly his grin only widening behind his hands.
"The minister will hear about this." Umbridge stated before storming out angrily.
Day 2
"Ok Dumbledude, we've been thinkin about this whole not havin a legitimate house thing and I think we understand it now." Said Squirrel doing his best to act professional while Zeke was in the back ground nonchalantly smoking a cigarette while he read one of Dumbledore's books.
Dumbledore released a tired sigh and rubbed his temple lightly he was so far beyond sick of hearing about this, though this new method of approach surprised him a bit.
"Now look we got one of them there house crest thingies." Said Squirrel setting down a picture which had a shield in the back like every other house crest but on it was a large menacing pit bull breathing fire.
Dumbledore looked from the drawing to the two young men in front of him a few times before scratching the side of his head. It was obvious they were trying, however this was simply ridiculous. With another tired sigh Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak but before he could he was interrupted by Squirrel.
"Plus we got us one of them there house ghost things!"
Dumbledore looked at the short wizard quizzically for a moment before he heard a loud crash behind him as one of his bookshelves fell over followed by the sound of several pots being smashed. Dumbledore sighed and rubbed his temples again, it was Peeves it just had to be Peeves the old man thought unhappily to himself.
"That still doesn't-" Dumble dore started before he was cut off by Zeke who had now lit another cigarette.
"I know, I know, we gotta have students and such, but don't worry we got that covered Dumbledude. We got some new students on their way."
"You can't simply bring any new student you want to Hogwarts." Dumbledore countered exhaustedly.
"Well technically seeing as how we've founded one of the now five houses of Hogwarts that makes us founders and I believe founder trumps headmaster Dumbledude." Retorted Zeke with a smile.
"So we got six thousand on their way." Squirrel added.
"No." Dumbledore responded flatly.
"Well how about three thousand?" Asked Zeke.
"No." Replied Dumbledore again.
"One thousand?" Squirrel asked lighting a cigarette.
"No." Said Dumbledore yet again.
"One hundred?" Zeke asked beginning to pick his belly button.
"No." Dumbledore said again with a tired sigh.
"Twenty seven?" Asked Squirrel as he took a drag from his cigarette.
"Once again the answer is no." Dumbledore said rubbing his temples as he felt himself getting a headache.
"Ok fine how about four?" Zeke asked becoming irritated.
"Fine." Agreed Dumbledore more for the sake getting them, and Peeves who had simply been on a destructive rampage for the entirety of their conversation, out of his office.
Squirrel and Zeke slapped five as they headed down the hall and back to their trailer they didn't know six thousand people but they did know four. Much to everyone's surprise and Squirrel and Zeke's chagrin they arrived on time to potions class. They sat in the back in their lawn chairs which Snape had long since given up trying to get rid of them.
"What? You two ran out of cousins to sleep with?" He said flatly, testing the waters of this strange new behavior.
"Nah man, we still sleep together sometimes, she just says she ain't ready to settle down yet. But between you and me, professor, I have more of a thing for her sister anyways." Squirrel replied nonchalantly.
"Hmm, well, moving on, open your books to page one hundred and forty seven."
The two Americans were quiet for the entire time Snape was giving his lecture on poisons, but the class seemed to be entirely perplexed by the two Americans lack of acting out constantly. It was the first time they had experienced a normal class since they had arrived at Hogwarts. Students would occasionally glance back at them, but instead of receiving negative attention in return, they were actually paying attention to Snape.
Once they had finished the lesson, everyone began to pack up their things, taking care to avoid ruining the fresh notes they had just taken. But the bustle was broken by Snape's voice a final time inside the dreary classroom.
"Today, I feel that we should have, say, a bonus question? Ten points to whichever one of you who can tell me the most effective way to negate the effects of an earsplitter drought."
Hermione Granger's hand did it's usual rocket towards the ceiling, but she was interrupted by voices from the back of the room.
"Three crushed up Scarab beetles, man." Both Squirrel and Zeke had stated in unison, to the completely and utter surprise to everyone in the room.
"That is…er…that is correct." Snape said in an obvious air of surprise.
"Well, maybe these two aren't as stupid as they look." Burst an obnoxious Malfoy.
"Well, I mean they taught us a lot back in America. Plus you deal with all sorts of weird shit in a wizarding trailer park." Zeke replied calmly, actually ignoring the jab Draco had taken at them,
"Are you two an example of those weird things?"
"Look, kid, we ain't buying into it. We are dealing with alcohol withdrawal, what with having to be sober and all, now ain't the time to be pushing our buttons. You ain't gonna be able to piss us off like you want to, and god help you if ye did, anyways." Squirrel stated with a look of finality.
"Yeah your mother didn't want to buy into it when she had you, but she did."
"Malfoy…" Snape attempted to interject before he was interrupted by a loud crash and a high pitched squeal from Draco as Squirrel's fist smashed into his jaw and he fell out of his chair with a crunch.
Day 3
Zeke and Squirrel awoke to the all too familiar melodic stylings of Dixie playing on a car horn. When they walked outside they were greeted by the glorious sight of a beat up old red pickup truck being driven by a skinny pale bearded man in a wife beater and jeans, a pale half-Asian boy in a black hoodie and sweat pants sitting in the back on the left side
