I had just crossed the road and stood at the bottom of a massive building that was beautiful – it was the one strange feature of NY, the most amazing buildings in the weirdest places and they were so clean for being in a working city full of pollution. I found the main front door and rang the doorbell, a woman came to the door and I introduced myself and said I was invited by Neal – she immediately smiled and brought me into the lobby and my mouth hung open. The place was very basic but incredibly beautiful and full of warmth and the smell of baking; I followed the woman and was advised to head up the elevator to the top apartment and look for the red door. I headed up and wondered if my jeans and checked shirt were a little too casual for this place – I was probably going to get ribbed for my bright red trainers, dark blue jeans and blue shirt – oh well, nothing I can do about it now. I knocked on the door and pushed my fringe out of the way and tied my hair up in a ponytail – that was a mess as my curls were bouncing around the place! The door opened when I was fighting with them and I went bright red as Neal stood there grinning as I swore loudly as my hair went fizzy.
"Whoa easy tiger – protective custody for the hairband!" he said laughing.
I pulled out the hairband and my hair settled down around my shoulders covering my face and I walked in, I was bright red and I muttered and apology to him about the language, he waved it off and told me to make myself at home – I was a little early as I decided to walk instead of drive so I could have a few drinks – I prayed he had beer in the fridge or I would have to go to the shops and buy a case! He told me to help myself in the fridge and I grabbed a local made beer and took a big drink as I looked about the room and spotted the view outside, he smiled as I stopped and stared at it and moved closer to the balcony with a look of wonder across my face.
"Amazing views huh, one of the things I love about the city, wait a couple of hours and you'll see the sunset over the skyline," he replied to the unspoken question.
"It's beautiful, you're lucky to live here and be able to see it – been awhile since I have just looked at the sky without seeing…." I stopped myself.
"Without seeing?" he inquired looking at me.
"Oh nothing; I'm just rambling a bit. Am I too early, I can come back when Burke gets here?" I redirected.
He shook his head and took a seat outside on the patio chairs, he motioned for me to join him and I pulled myself onto the rattan chair and curled up as I leaned back and enjoyed the sun coming through the clouds. I knew Neal was watching me through the side of his eyes and I knew he had questions for me, might as well be him – I trust him enough to at least give me some honest opinion.
"You and Burke have been keeping tabs on me, will you tell me why?" I asked.
He looked at me and found me looking straight in his eyes from across the balcony; he nodded and leaned forward keeping eye contact with me for the entire time.
"You haven't taken any time off since starting the FBI, you have moments that you aren't on the same page as us and you're hands shake badly. You don't eat and you beat the crap out of the gym bag every morning with enough venom to rival a nuclear bomb; you refuse company and you have what I suspect is flashbacks – this morning in the locker room – I saw you have an episode – what's going on Freya?" he stated clearly.
My heart went into my throat and threatened to choke me.
"Are you the only one who knows about the flashbacks?" I whispered.
He shook his head gently and held up his hand when I was about to speak.
"I told Peter and only because I saw what it did to you – I've been there, maybe not as bad as yourself but I know the feeling of terror when it happens and then the nausea that hits seconds later. We're not here to judge you or call you out on it, but you are alone over here and we care about our team – I care about my friends and that includes you!" he continued gently.
I was fiddling with the label on the bottle and had flushed bright red, I knew he had been watching me and it was making sense that he befriended me; problem was I was really broken and had just started to learn to 'walk in life' again. I hung my head down again and blew out a gentle breath, trying to think of something simple to say to make the statement that would probably make him run.
"Not much to care about over here Neal, sometimes people like me are just not worth the trouble to fix – sometimes they are just past broken and they are just living from day to day!" I whispered.
I wiped my eyes and took a really big drink – basically downing the bottle of beer in one go; Neal took the bottle off me and pulled me to my feet. I looked anywhere but at him and he grabbed my chin and looked me straight in the eyes and searched for something to work with, something to latch onto and bring me out of the mood I was in. I had latched onto the piano in the corner of the room and frowned at the sorry state of it, it really needed some work done on the covers and probably a good tune up – I was making a mental list in my head and he had caught the wheels turning when he turned to look at what I was focused on. He stood back slowly and took my arm as he pulled me towards it.
"Do you play?" he inquired.
"I can play but I'm not the best at it – recovery gave me time to pick up a hobby and lets me de-stress; do you play?" I replied.
"A little – what do you mean recovery?" he replied.
I shrugged my shoulders and winced at the constant ache I was having recently, he clocked that as well and moved me to the front of the piano as he walked to the fridge.
"How about I get us another drink, you play the piano and tell me what is going on?"
I had a small smile going across my face at that comment, it was similar to what the doctor on the hospital ship said to me daily when we were doing Physio; instead of the drink thought it would be painkillers and IVs while he got a coffee while on break. I nodded and after a quick check of the tuning I got settled and hummed out a small tune as I started to play softly. He didn't say anything as I began to sing softly to a tune I knew and had learned over many sleepless nights on the ship – seems I made people cry with this song. I could hear Neal come back over to me with the stronger drinks and I started to talk.
"Two years ago I was involved in a medevac that went badly wrong, we came under heavy enemy fire and had to make an emergency landing about eight clicks away from our destination; the enemy found us later that night and most of my team were killed in one of the worst night time fighting the area had seen in a few months. Myself and one other marine made it out alive but we were captured and tortured by the cell, being a man over there is bad enough, being a female soldier in an extreme Islamic country and bound by terrorists – let's just say I was a chew toy for them." I blurted out.
I could hear him stop dead behind me as I told him, I heard the sudden change in his breathing, the rattle of the wine he was opening and the small gasp as he realised what I was telling him; I continued to play the piano and get everything off my chest.
"I tried everything to keep my partner alive but he died from toxic shock a month later from infected wounds and the venom they exposed him too, it was horrific and he died screaming before his heart gave out. I managed to bury him where they were holding us, I stumbled upon a mass grave full of children's bodies – they had been experimenting on them – all female – all less than 15 years old – all mutilated."
I knew he hadn't moved apart to lean into the table and take some deep breaths; he was looking in the mirror that reflected back towards me playing the piano across the room, I had to keep on going through unless he told me to stop or leave – whatever he needed.
"They used razor wire as a lash when I refused to create the venom in large quantities, the urinated on the blades first which caused massive infections to set in, when I was healing from the lashings they used to beat me for the simple pleasure of showing a foreigner that the male sex was stronger and a woman has no place but at their feet. I was lucky though, they never raped me, it was deemed 'unclean and against the Qur'an'." I continued.
"Frey…." He whispered.
"It was six weeks later, I had managed to keep track on a wall – I heard troop movement throughout the day via chopper – they came that night and took out the terrorist cell; I don't remember much as I took four bullets, three which went through my shoulders and arm and another which went through my side and gave me some impressive scars. I woke up nearly two weeks later after being in a medically induced coma, lying in a hospital with my old CO asleep at my side on a chair."
I had stopped playing the piano and had lowered the lid over the keys, strangely enough my heart did feel a little lighter after blurting out what I had gone through but I am sure that Neal was probably going to be revolted every time he looked at me now. I slowly turned around and took a deep breath as I looked up, to my horror I found Peter there too with a look of shock and horror on his face. I clenched my jaw and took a quick deep breath before grabbing my bag and heading towards the door.
"I should go, I've ruined the evening – what the hell was I thinking even being here?" I muttered looking for my jacket.
Peter moved in front of the door and blocked my path, I stopped and sighed – they wanted answers – very worst they wanted to show how sorry they were. I turned around to face Neal and he was pale – no wonder considering the information I just unloaded onto his shoulders and I didn't know how much Peter now knew?
"Jesus Neal, I said for you to gently ask questions, not interrogate her!" Peter exhaled.
