Chapter 3: Mickey D's
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note and I thankfully do not own the McDonald's mentioned in this chapter.
A/N: Moral of the story: Do not go to the Mickey D's in Barrie, Canada. You'll know it when you see it. It is as big as it is a pain in one's derriere. And for the record, they aren't in Canada yet, just at a duplicate of the really crappy burger bar.
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"Seventy-seven!" Mello cried out as he carefully pushed another cigarette in Mat's mouth.
"What's the record for this?" Light asked, slightly disgusted, but at the same time, slightly amused.
Mat let out a muffled response.
"What?"
"Ninety-nine," Mello translated. "We're trying to get to one hundred. We would have gotten there sooner, because we had four cartons of twenty-five cigarettes, but Mat smoked one earlier, so he screwed it up. Seventy-eight."
"Why?"
"Because Mat wants to now what it feels like to smoke one hundred cigarettes at the same time. Seventy-nine."
"Isn't that dangerous?"
Mello stopped and pointed to Mat's face. "Don't worry; he's wearing goggles."
"He can smoke them all at once, but his head has to be sticking out of the bus window," L told them.
"Can we take a picture, though?" Mello asked as he pulled out a digital camera. (One of the pictures on it was taken at the funeral they held for Mat's Polaroid.)
"You had a camera and you didn't take a picture of Light's face when he found out about the tree?!" Ryuuk cried out. "That was Facebook material!"
"I was laughing too hard," he replied in defense.
"Oh, yeah. . . ."
"New subject, please!" Light said.
"Whatever. Eighty."
"Do you want to go to the drive-thru for food?" L asked.
"Okay," Light said. "Where?"
"A McDonalds is coming up," he replied, unaware of the doom that would befall them due to this decision.
"Sounds good."
A few minutes later, they arrived at the Mickey D's only to discover that despite it's size, there was no drive-thru to be found. They all decided that they should go inside to eat, but there was also a severe lack of parking spaces.
"Don't worry," Mello said. "Me and Mat know exactly what to do. Take those death sticks out of your mouth, Mattycake, we've got things to hot-wire!"
Mat took the cigarettes out of his mouth and hastily stuffed them into the little boxes before he followed Mello into the lot. After they succeeded in finding a car that didn't beep at them when they got too close, Mello took out a bobby pin, unlocked a door and got inside. They then took out the bottom of the dashboard and connected the blue wire to the yellow one and drove it into the "Cars Will Be Towed Away at Driver's Own Expense" zone. Then they put the dash back together just like when they found it, hopped out and rushed back to the school bus.
"Thank you," L said before he parked into the newly available spot, scratching the paint on what looked like a new and awfully expensive sports car. "That wasn't us."
"We should really go somewhere else," Light suggested. "It's probably packed, judging by the number of cars here."
"No, we should stay here," Misa insisted.
"Misa, it would be better if we found another place to eat."
"No, it wouldn't, because I NEED THE BATHROOM NOW!"
There was silence throughout the crowd, then they each got off the bus quickly, deciding that the McDonalds that they were currently at was an ideal place to take a break.
"Can I come?" Near asked hopefully.
" . . . No," L replied. "Besides, you don't walk and nobody's going to carry you."
"Can you at least get me something?"
"If I remember, I'll think about it."
"Promise?"
" . . . No."
Near looked down in disappointment as the rest of the group (including the Shinigami) walked over to the Mickey D's. When they got inside and caught glimpse of how many people were in line for the six registers however, their jaws hit the ground and they all sweat dropped (except for Ryuuk who laughed at the others' misfortune).
"Could there be anymore people shoved up in here?!" Mello cried out. "There isn't even enough room to breathe!"
"Where are the bathrooms?" Misa asked. Then she noticed the bathroom sign way over on the other side of the sea of people. "Was the guy who designed this place on crack, or something?!"
"It's a possibility," L said.
"Do they sell apples here?" Ryuuk asked.
"They do, actually," Light told him. "It's part of their "healthy eating" ploy. They're not real, though."
"What do you mean, 'not real'?"
"They're chock-full of preservatives and crap to keep them from turning brown and stuff. You're better off eating the plastic bag it comes in."
"That's all? Boy, Light, you had me scared there for a minute! The way you were going on, I thought they were made out of wax, or something!"
Over at the bathrooms, Misa was facing problems of her own. She was just about to go in when someone from behind tapped her on the shoulder.
"Back of the line, Missy," a woman said, and pointed to the long line of other women that ended a long way off over at the far off candy machines.
"And some of the toilets are broken, so it's going to take even longer," Rem pointed out.
"Well, this sucks."
XXX
"Aw, will this line move already?!" Mat groaned. So far in the line, the boys had witnessed every kind of difficult customer known to man. There was the customer who didn't know what to order and couldn't decide between a Big Mac and a chicken sandwich, the customer who had to explain to the cashier how to do his job and everyone else's, the customer who had a big purse and it took five minutes to find their checkbooks or credit cards and when the cashier told them that they only took cash, it took them a lifetime to find ten dollars and thirty-two cents in change, and the customer who was best well-known for his ability to order everything off the menu and top it off with a Diet Coke.
"What the hell's the point?" Light asked, completely disgusted.
"Did everybody plan for this?" L wondered.
"It wouldn't surprise me."
"Hey, look! The line's moving – oh, wait, she has to go through her purse. . . ."
They all groaned in hunger-endorsed agony.
XXX
In the bus, Near was bored and hungry. He knew full well that L wouldn't get him anything to eat, let alone a Happy Meal toy.
"Oh, if only I had a chance to walk in the series," he said to himself, "and one cannot drag himself into a restaurant. It simply isn't done. And I am allergic to sunlight. . . ."
He stood up and surveyed his surroundings as he twisted his hair between his thumb and forefinger. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a shopping cart with a paddle in it not to far from the bus. He got a burst of inspiration and opened the glove compartment and found a road map (which they didn't need because of the power of Fanfiction) and dragged himself over to the seat that was closest to the window closest to the shopping cart. He stood up on the seat and took out the window so there was only an empty square. He opened up the map and held it up over his head like a canopy and breathed deeply, for what he was about to do could go wrong in so many ways in the sense of physics. However, as we all know, proven facts hardly matter in the Land of Fanfiction, for it all depends on whether or not the authour likes the character and if it will supply a good laugh. Fortunately, the current authour had nothing against Near (despite all she put him through), and needed his plan to work to further the plot line which would equal more comedic bits to laugh at. Thus being, he jumped (because canon never said anything about that) out of the window and landed perfectly in the shopping cart and the road map landed perfectly over the top of the shopping cart, blocking the sun and saving Near from an allergic reaction. He took the paddle and held it out of the shopping cart and paddled himself towards the fast food joint.
"I probably look like a bum on drugs," he thought out loud. "Excuse me," he said to a passerby, "could you please open the door for me?"
XXX
"Oh, great. Another crazy person," Mello said sarcastically as a paddled shopping cart came in.
"I'll go get the hose after we get our food," Mat told him.
Suddenly, the person inside tore the map off the top and sat up straight. "I'm not a crazy person!" After looking around he added, "Damn, this place is screwed up."
"Near, what are you doing?" L asked. "See, this is why I don't take you anywhere."
"I wanted to know what was keeping you for so long."
"And now you know," L said. "Get back to the bus."
"Where'd you get that bus anyway?" Light asked.
"Borrowed it from somebody somewhere."
"What's the percentage that the guy will get it back?"
"He'll get it back when I'm done with it."
"A lot of kids will love you come September."
"Where's Misa and Rem?" Near asked.
"Still at the bathrooms probably."
"Why does it take so long for women to use the washroom anyway?"
"The fact that the line is out to Kansas may have something to do with – Ow! What was that for?!" Mello shouted as he rubbed the back of his head.
Near held his paddle in both hands as a smug look spread across his face. "Thought that I forgot about that 'little, girlie man' comment, didn't you?"
Mello responded by flipping Near and the shopping cart over.
"Near! Get up now!"
"Oh, no!" a pretty and well-developed teenage girl cried out from among the tables. She and her equally pretty and well-developed teenage girl friends all rushed over (pushing and shoving through the crowd, mind you) and crowded around the fallen orphan. "Are you okay, little boy?"
"Hello, ladies," Mello said in a seductive kind of voice.
A blonde in a mini skirt turned to him. "You're so mean! Look what you did to that poor innocent child!" Then she proceeded to beat the living hell out of him with her handbag.
"Ow! What the hell do you got in that thing?! Bricks?!"
"Three of them!"
"Don't worry, sweetie," the first girl said as she turned the shopping cart right side up and pushed Near along. "We have enough food to share some with you! But how come you're in the cart?"
"I can't walk."
"Ohhh! Poor thing! Support hugs!" Then the entire group of girls embraced him lovingly.
"Thanks, ladies," Near said. "You really are too kind."
"Hyuk, hyuk," Ryuuk laughed. "That's a lucky guy."
"Maybe we should get some carts for ourselves and have Mello tip the rest of us over," Mat suggested as he watched in jealousy as Near laughed with his new female friends, surrounded by food.
"Oh, sure, make me out to be the bad guy."
"The only reason that those girls like him is because they think that he's a sickly, little kid," Light said. "If we tried it, they'd think that we were just goofing off and ignore us."
"Remind me to kick him extra hard when we're back on the bus," L said.
"Hell, I'll kick him, too."
Suddenly, Misa came stomping up towards them. "I hate public washrooms!" she yelled. "And whoever's in charge of maintenance needs a wake up call! And how come there's never a line for the boys washroom?! And you're still waiting?!"
"Yes," L simply stated.
"Well, whatever. I'm going to get a table."
"Screw that," Mat said. "We're burning daylight, woman! We're eating on the bus."
"What is with men that they've got to be there as soon as possible?"
'There's Canadian beer at the end of the road. . . ."
"Of course," Misa replied sarcastically. "As long as there's beer around. You know that in Germany you can order beer with your order at McDonalds?"
Mat's eyes widened and his mouth stood agape. "Get outta here!"
"I'm serious!" Misa cried. "I went up with some friends once!"
After another half hour of mind-numbing boredom (even Mat was hit by it, because his Nintendo DS ran out of power during the wait) they heard a man in front of them gasp. They all looked up and saw him collapse to the ground, clutching his chest.
"It wasn't me!" Light hissed at the six heads that turned towards him.
'Then who . . . ?" Mello said right before he noticed a familiar blonde model tuck away a black notebook. "Misa!"
"Hmm?"
"Maybe if we all leave quickly and calmly, nobody will notice," L whispered as a few people began to notice the dead body. "Where's Near?"
Rem looked over towards the tables where the white-haired teenager was last seen. "He's still talking with his new friends."
"I'll get him," L said as he walked to where the orphan was socializing. "Come on, Near. It's time to go. Get back in your cart and start paddling."
Near ignored his recent tormentor and continued to talk to the girls who had all taken an instant liking to him since they had rushed to his aid when Mello flipped him over, and were not about to give him up for hell or high water.
"Near, we have to leave."
"Aw, does he have to?" the girl closest to him asked as she held him close to her.
"Yes, he does."
"No!" all the girls cried out as they all lunged for Near. "He has to stay with us!"
"I'm not going anywhere with you," Near told L. "I like these girls. They treat me as an equal, they take what I say into account, and they let me stay in the Mickey D's! Go get Mello to work the pedals!"
All the girls clapped and cheered and hugged him for his speech. "Yay! You go Near! We love you!"
"Thank you, ladies. I love you, too." He turned to L and said. "When was the last time you ever praised me like that?"
L chewed the end of his thumb in thought. "Do you remember that one time on that hot summer day when you got my frisbee off the tin roof on your hands and knees?"
"That was years ago!" Near pointed out. "And you thanked the ladder, not me!"
"What can I say, it was a good ladder."
"You don't deserve to hang out with such a cute, little guy!" another girl accused.
"Please, Megumi, I can handle this," Near told her in the most gentlest voice he could muster.
"Look, you little harem," L started. "You're coming with us whether you like it, or not. Get your little friends' e-mails and phone numbers and let's go."
"Never! I refuse to go back, you orphan driver!"
"I promise that if you come back, we'll let you beat the crap out of Mello with your paddle without question."
"The answer is still no,"
"Look, kid, what do you want?" L groaned. "I'll give you whatever you want, just get on the bus."
A wicked smile spread across Near's face. He turned to his female fan club and crawled into his shopping cart, clutching his Happy Meal toy. "Well, ladies, it's been fun and I'll never forget your random acts of kindness. You will all have a special place in my heart. I must leave now, but I will call you all from time to time and maybe we can meet again someday. The best of luck to all of you and goodbye."
"We'll miss you too, Near!"they all wailed as buckets of tears fell from their eyes.
"So can we go now?"
"One second," Near told him. He then took hold of his trusty paddle and sped through the restaurant. Apparently, people got out of the way for orphan-driven shopping carts.
"L'S REAL NAME IS DICK FOCKER!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE!! THE WORLD'S BEST DETECTIVE, L, HAS THE GIVEN NAME, DICK FOCKER!!
"YOU LITTLE SON OF A – "
The door suddenly slammed open and the rest of the road trip gang stood there in absolute shock (except for Light who had stolen Mello's camera and started taking pictures of the scene). "IT IS NOT!"
"Of course it isn't," Misa said. "I saw his name once."
"Does anyone care that a man just died of a heart attack?" a paramedic cried out as he and his co-worker hauled the Death Note victim onto a stretcher.
"No!" everybody yelled as they recorded L and Near screaming and paddling through the building on their cell phones. Youtube wouldn't know what hit it that night.
"Bets here!" Mello cried as Mat collected money from the eager gamblers. "Place your bets. The odds favour the black-haired one over the white-haired one!"
"Hey! Dick's hurting Near!" the leader of Near's fangirls shouted as L yanked Near's paddle away and proceeded to beat his skull in with it. "Get him!"
"Fire truck," L stated right before the six or seven fangirls jumped him and started relentlessly beating him with purses and stiletto heels.
"L's outnumbered!" Mello cried. "Come on, Mat! We've got to help him!"
"Free for all!" someone from the lines shouted as everybody began to jump into the fray.
After many minutes of animal instinct-driven fighting, Mello and Mat managed to escape to under a table that was bolted tightly to the ground (because if it wasn't, somebody would have thrown it by then).
"Okay, Mat, it's getting brutal out there," Mello said. "Are you ready to bring out our secret weapon?"
Mat's face lit up. "You mean it?!"
Mello nodded and pulled out a bottle that couldn't be sold to anyone under the age of nineteen. "Just pretend this is a bar."
"Don't worry. I probably won't be able to tell the difference."
XXX
"Where's Mello and Mat?" Light yelled as he used a tray as a shield.
'What're you looking at?" a drunken, slurred voice asked.
Light looked over and saw goggle-wearing redhead take out the man opposite him in one blow.
"Mello!" he shouted. "Where'd Mat get the liquor?!"
"Ya, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Mat laughed as he lifted a large table over his head and threw it towards a group of people and were taken out instantly. "I am the Lizard King!"
Suddenly, the manager finally came out of his office and stared anger-stricken at his battle zone of a restaurant.
"Don't worry, guys, I'll handle this," Mat said, still drunk, to the ceased warriors. He stepped forward and a big smile took up his face. "Hello, Mr. Manager!"
All the fighters face-palmed. "We're screwed."
"What happened?!" The Manager shouted.
"Funny thing, actually," Mat began. "You see, my buddies and I were on our way out, but one of them didn't wanna go, so my other buddy decided to persuade him over -hic! 'Scuse me- and it kind of got ugly." He stopped for a second and added, "So in other words, it's all Ronald McDonald's fault."
The Manager turned to the crowd. "Is this guy with anyone?"
Nobody moved an inch and all stared blankly.
'Mello's with me," Mat spoke up. "So is Light, 'n' Misa, 'n' L, 'n' Near, 'n' a couple of Shinagami, but you can't see them."
The Manager turned to the crowd, probably writing off Ryuuk and Rem as a figment of Mat's boozed-up imagination. "Is this guy with anyone?"
Nobody moved an inch and all stared blankly.
"Mello's with me," Mat spoke up. "So is Light, 'n' Misa, 'n' L, 'n' Near . . . ."
"What, not me?" Ryuuk asked. "Gee, that fight was entertaining. Can you do it again?"
"Will those people please step forward?"
Nobody moved.
The Manager sighed. "Okay, can you point them out to me, kid?" he asked Mat.
"Mello's the guy with the scar on his face," Mat started. "Light's the guy with the Abercrombie and Finch attire with the red tray who looks like he wants to kill me right now, Misa's the blonde with the pigtails with the gothic look, L's the one with the big eyes, black hair, and really pale skin, and Near's the one under the shopping cart. He's not a bum, or anything, he just can't walk. Or at least, canon never let him walk . . . ."
"Well, y'all are banned for life," the Manager declared. "Please do not return for as long as you may live."
Mat made the okay sign with his fingers. "Okie dokie, then!" He turned to the others. "Party's over! We have to go now! Somebody help Near!"
XXX
"Well, that sucked," Light said when they were all back in the bus, a vast majority beaten and bruised.
"Ahh! My skin! I'm melting! I'm melting!" Near shouted out in pain. "You know I'm allergic to sunlight, L!"
"That's exactly why I did it," L replied as Near reached for the First Aid kit. "The important thing is that we still don't have any food."
"That's what you think," Mello said and pulled out a Happy Meal bag.
"So you bothered to steal something and that's all you got?" Light asked, obviously disappointed. "How are we going to split one Happy Meal between eight people?!"
"Well, technically, we don't have to share with Near because he already ate with all his girlfriends, and do Shinigami need to eat?"
"If there are any apple slices in there, then yes," Ryuuk said.
"Who are you people?!" Mat, still drunk, asked.
"And I'm on a dangerous, new celebrity diet!" Misa exclaimed. "Nothing but a cup of lettuce and grapefruit juice a day for me!"
"Misa, I told you that you're beautiful just the way you are," L said. "You don't need a diet."
"Tell her after lunch, L," Mello said. He turned back to the bag. "So we really only have to split a grilled cheese sandwich between four people."
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"For curiosity's sake, is this Ronald McDonald fellow a Shinagami?" Ryuuk asked.
"No, he's a clown," Light replied. "What made you think that?"
"All that stuff on his face and the big mouth, probably," Near said.
"I wish you brought the kid's drink," L said. "I could use the ice."
"That's what happens when you beat up poor, defenseless orphans," Near said. "And I've already got the cold pack."
"You're so lucky that I hurt too much to care."
"I get to drive," Mello announced.
"How come?" L asked.
"I bring food, I drive bus," he said proudly.
"You brought a kid's grilled cheese sandwich!" Light cried. "That's next to nothing!"
"I don't see any of you bringing out anything better."
Everybody reluctantly agreed to that.
"Besides," Mello added, "L and Near had it all day."
"Fine," L said as he got off the driver's seat and dragged Near away from the pedals. "Don't break anything."
"Don't worry," Mello said. "I drive a motorcycle. It can't be that different. Now where's the thing that makes it go?"
"In Disneyworld!" Mat shouted out, then hiccuped.
Everybody else dropped their heads and sweat dropped. "This cannot be good."
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A/N: And that's a very long chapter 3! Seriously, this is my longest chapter for anything yet. I think I'm getting better! Now, I know one of you said, "It could be worse, Mello could be driving." Thanks a lot for that, 'cause guess what? He's driving! And Near got a bit of a break in this chapter with all the teenage girls running around. Lol! Like always, please review!
