Next chapter, enjoy, still not sure if that's the right word but I am going with it. -Lumae


They sat in the park for what seemed like along time, Zola continued to hold on tight to Meredith, wrapping her arms around the only parent she had left. As much as Meredith wanted to stay in the park forever, stay in that moment so she did not have to move into any of the moments that would follow, she could not. Derek's life had ended, but that did not mean hers could, the carousel keeps on turning, Meredith's mothers sage words played in her head. She had to keep on moving with life, into the next moment, and the moment after that. She had the chance to live and she could not disrespect Derek by not taking that chance, by not living, by not moving.

"We have to tell your mother." Meredith said to Amelia as they sat in the conference room together.

"Do you want me to call my Mom?" Amelia asked.

Yes Meredith thought, but she owed Derek this much, she owed her husband's memory this much, to call his mother and tell her, he had died.

"I should do it." Meredith said, it was not fair to put Amelia in that position. Amelia nodded, relieved that she did not have to make that call, because she did not know if she really could. Alex had taken Zola and Bailey to an on call room, to get some sleep, as they didn't get that much the night before. Meredith hadn't slept, for what seemed like forever, but she was scared to sleep, she thought if she just closed her eyes, she would never want to open them again.

"How did she take you father's death?" Meredith asked, she had never asked Derek about his Dad's death, all she knew was what he had offered up on those few rare occasions. She knew that losing a child was not the same as losing the love of your life, it was a whole other kind of pain, still just as raw and pervasive, had always thought Carolyn was a strong woman, strong and resilient, but she feared that this news, may just defeat the kindhearted old lady, there has to be a limit to just how much resilience a person has.

"I don't remember." Amelia said, honestly. She was five at the time and the trauma of seeing her dad die in front of her was all she could remember, not the moments after, not the days that followed, or the months that replaced the days.

"She missed him, she used to cry in the bathroom." Amelia said, recalling a faint foggy memory, of her peering through the crack between the bathroom door and the cool tiled floor. But of course she had missed him, no one, could ever not miss the love of their life who was taken so unjustly.

"Derek helped." Amelia admitted. Derek had really stepped up when their father died. He would help her with her homework,he would tuck her in at night, he would cook dinner and make her laugh and just for a second forget about what happened to their father. He was there for her, and now, now he was gone and who was there for her now. Who was there for her, she did not know, but she knew she had to be there for Meredith and the kids, at was the least she could do, for all the being there he had done and it was the only thing stopping her from dissolving into a million tiny pieces of drug induced oblivion.

"A mother shouldn't have to hear her son died." Meredith said and Amelia nodded, she had lost her own son, but she was sure the pain her mother was about to be hit with, would be a million times worse. She would not see it coming and she had, had years of loving Derek and knowing him. Her son was a person, but she had only known him briefly, and the majority of the time she had known of his existence, she had also known of his doomed fate.

It was strange, Meredith thought, she was about to ring up Carolyn and tell her that the world had changed and that would cause Carolyn's world to change in an instant. The strange thing was, the change had already happened, she had been living in the changed world for hours, blissfully unaware that even though the world seemed like it did yesterday morning, it was not the same world, it was fundamentally different, she just did not know it yet. It was an ironic twist in an unfortunate tale, that was for sure,

Meredith looked at her phone, she couldn't cry anymore, her tear ducts had seemingly run dry, which in a way was good, it meant she could call Derek's mother with out dissolving into a blubbering mess, even if she wanted to, which she did, but she couldn't, she had to be strong, even if it felt like it would kill her, even if she did not feel strong. She scrolled through her phone, and paused at Derek's name, she would deal with that later, or she would not. When she got to Carolyn's name she took a breath in, was this going to be her life, telling people Derek had died, it had certainly been her life since he had died and with every person she told, it did not get any easier. She dialed the number and listened to the phone ring, until it stopped, until she heard Carolyn's voice on the phone.

"Meredith how are you dear." The voice said in such kind caring way.

Meredith quickly hung up, she could not do it. She, Carolyn, had no idea what was about to happen. Meredith had, had to call her before, for bad news, when Derek was shot, after the plane crash, but those times Derek had made it, this time was different, there was no hope, no chance for recovery, he was gone and she did not think she could do this. Why did the universe have to be so horrible.

"She's going to call back." Amelia said, looking at Meredith, her mother was persistent like that, she'd be able to tell that something was wrong.

The phone started to ring almost on cue.

"Are you sure you don't want me to talk to her?" Amelia asked, looking at the phone, shaking in Meredith's hand.

"No, I've just got to do it." Meredith said.

"Put it on speaker." Amelia said, she wanted to hear her mother's voice. Meredith nodded before swiping at the answer image.

"Meredith, did you just try and call me dear?" Carolyn asked, confused, Meredith did not often call her, Derek did and she would talk to Meredith then, further, it was the middle of the day, on a Friday, surely Carolyn thought, Meredith would be at work.

"Hi, Carolyn." Meredith said, Derek's mother had wanted her to call her Mom, and she had previously, but now that Derek was dead, it felt odd thinking about her as her mother in law.

"Meredith, I've told you to call me Mom." Carolyn said, as an unsettling feeling began to dwell in her stomach, something was off.

"Right sorry." Meredith said, this was too hard, why was this her life.

"How are the kids?" Carolyn asked.

"They are fine, great." Meredith said, though was not sure if that was the truth, their father had just died after all, she wasn't fine and she doubted that Zola was really fine, she was defiantly not great. Bailey was not fine, because his mother was not fine.

"We need to talk." Meredith said, she could not keep up the fake small talk.

"Okay." Carolyn said, the unsettling feeling growing with in. Meredith had started a couple of other phone calls like this, and none of them had been bringing great news.

"There was an accident." Meredith said, though accidents were when you bumped into someone, or dinged the side of someones car, or split hot coffee on someone, this was not an accident, it was not minor, it was huge horrific, and cataclysmic in the scheme of life, not a simple accident.

Carolyn, felt her insides swirl, something about the way Meredith said, it, the defeat, the lack of hope that trickled through her voice, told her that this was not going to end well.

"Derek was in an accident, his car was hit by a truck." Meredith said, the injustice screaming through her words.

"He is not okay is he."Carolyn said, she could tell this was not how today was suppose to go, well not how she had imagined it when she woke up.

"No he's not, I'm so sorry, he passed away last night." Meredith said, as a single tear appeared on her face, defying the emptiness.

A wail of agony ricocheted around the room, the desperate cries of a mother who's child had left the earth before her chilled the air. It was not fair, it was not fair for anyone. Was it not enough that she had lost her own husband for no reason all those years ago, why did she have to lose her son as well.

"Mom, it's going to be okay." Amelia said, trying to calm her mother down, even though she was not certain they would be okay. She wanted to hold her, to wrap her arms around her mother and like Zola had.

"Amelia." Carolyn said, her sobs ringing through the phone

"He's really gone, isn't he." Carolyn said.

"Yes he is." Amelia managed to whisper. She did not want to admit it, she wanted to believe he was just in DC, solving the mysteries of the brain, like had been for the months prior. She wanted to believe it was just a nightmare, a hellish delusion fumbling through her unconscious mind, but she was conscious and this was not a nightmare, it was life and it hurt. The pain, had not subsided, her thirst for the pain reliving, reality demolishing, high, she had chased so many times before, raged throughout her body, demanding she fall pray to its seductive pull. She could not, she would not, she would not use her brother's death as a gateway back into her addiction. She would not slip, she silently promised the memory of Derek that.

"Meredith I am so sorry." Carolyn said, she knew how Meredith was feeling in that moment. The magnitude of the loss, was all to familiar. She had carried it for so many years and she had never wished to have to pass it on to her daughter in law. Her son was dead, her child was gone, in an instant the life she had known, no longer existed. Her heart ached not just for Derek but for Meredith too.

"I know." Meredith said, she was going to get sick of people saying they were sorry. Sorry had lost all meaning. It was a word that had lost it's definition, somewhere last night, between the apologetic klutz of a neurosurgeon who had not shown up in time and the bawling doctor who had failed to save her husbands life. Sorry did not do anything for her, it did not take away the pain, it just made the pain seem all the more worse.

"Was he in pain." Carolyn asked, Meredith could hear her sniffs, through the phone.

"No, not in the end."Meredith said, it was one of the few things she could find any semblance of comfort in. He was not in pain, not after the failed surgery.

"That's good at least," Carolyn said, "I am glad he was not in pain."

Meredith and Amelia, could both agree with that sentiment. At least Derek was not in pain, even if all those who loved him, were now in a world of pain.

"So what do we do now?" Meredith asked, the question that had been daunting her all day. What did she do now?


So the response to this story, has been interesting. I am so very humbled, by the way in which most have you have responded to this story. It is not a sunshine and happiness kind of story, but I hope I do it justice and in some way maybe find some light. Just so we are all very clear, I am not really in the mood for offing myself, I just don't have the time for it, to be quite frank. Seriously if you are going to say something nasty, go for it, but just know that I don't care, and I will post it so everyone can see how unpleasant you are and it appears some of them care. If we are being honest is not about me, it's about you and for some reason you must find such joy in doing this, so I won't deprive you of this, plus most people who act like this are cowards, and why can't you find something better to do with your time. Anyway thanks for reading, please let me now what you think, I'll update again soon.

Cheers Lumae