3. Catch up
"I knew you'd come back crawling for me." Sebastian took a sit at Kurt and Santana's table. The Lima Bean was crowded with Warblers and other species of coffeholics. "I meant her, not you, don't think… Nah, I'm sure you are smart enough, Princess," he said to Kurt with his fakest and whitest smile.
"So not nice to see you," the offended one replied. "And as I was saying, Santana," he emphasized trying to get rid of Sebastian, "I don't know why the heck we keep coming here. Especially when we know the kind of dregs that overrun this place."
"Shut up, I called him," the girl replied.
Sebastian sat next to Santana, wearing his most mischievous grin, as usual. "So glad you did, my dear bitch." He held her hand on the table and rubbed his thumb against one of her rings.
"Do you know how many times I had to sterilize her when she came back home?" Kurt said as he threw one of those killer looks at their hands.
Santana pulled back. "Nothing personal, my sweet little piece of burning hell, but I don't want to go through six showers of scolding steam again to sit on my own couch." She petted her one-night-thing's face. "Okay, I called this magnificent bastard for a reason." Santana turned to Sebastian. "Tell him everything you've seen, done, experienced, suffered and puked at during these months."
"Well…"
"No," Kurt interrupted him. "I mean, why do I want to hear the version of this renowned liar, scheme-master and sexual predator when I have actual friends for me to catch up with? No offense, it's just… I despise you with my whole bare soul."
"They are all a bunch of corrupt kids. Hiding a secret. And their silence is well bought." Sebastian raised his eyebrows, trying to create an atmosphere of mystery.
Santana rolled his eyes and slapped Sebastian playfully. "What my pretty little liar is saying is that Blainey Boo traded solos for silence. He didn't want either you or Berry to find out his ménage à clone."
"Then why did you call me if you're telling the story?!" Sebastian inquired. "So, me and Blaine lasted till… his sixth visit to New York."
Kurt did the math using the fingers of his hand. "So you didn't survive Christmas."
"Yes, because Rachel came back to spend the holidays in Lima. We broke up in mid-January," the former lead of the Warblers kept on. "Huge fight. 'Why can't you say that you still love her?!' 'Because I don't! She's just my best friend!' 'Don't be ridiculous!' 'You are the one being ridiculous here!' 'No, I am being abandoned every two freaking weeks!' 'How many times have I told you to come with me?!' 'So nice of you to invite me to crash on the couch of a happy couple as you try to get the girl!' 'She loves Finn!' 'Oh, fuck me, seriously? Didn't know that!'" He stopped impersonating both of them. "Note the sarcasm on that one. 'Then what's the problem if you know she loves him?!' 'That I love you and it doesn't seem enough for you!'"
For some reason, Kurt Hummel felt a little bit sorry for Sebastian Smythe. Last name needed, it was a very serious, rare and once-in-a-lifetime statement for it to get misunderstood. He went through the same thing. More or less. But it was definitely some kind of bridge between the archenemies. "You can't compete with Rachel Berry," he finally said, full of an unexpected compassion. "But, anyway, why couldn't we know about his back-up Rachel?"
"Because Rachel is everything but a loser. At least in her tiny messed-up head. She cannot lose. We know it," Santana replied.
"And we all agreed to shut our mouths before she came back, lost her mind or fucked things up with Finn," Sebastian added. "So we signed that blood pact willingly."
Kurt leaned in and lowered his voice. "Does the girl know Blaine's gay?"
Sebastian imitated Kurt, mocking his excessive secrecy. "When are you planning to stop holding on to denial?" Both he and Santana laughed. "Yes, Marley knows you and me were with Blaine. And she's okay with it." Sebastian finished the sentence with a frown. "Surprisingly okay. Man, I still don't get used to people reacting as normal people in that school."
"Now when and why couldn't I know?"
"The girl auditioned the same week me and Rachel went back to New York, didn't she?"
"And the second answer?" Kurt inquired.
"We both know you are not over Blaine," Santana answered slowly, tenderly, holding her roommate's stare. "And the last time you found out about the Imp with a girl, you brought back your lardy brother along with the Queen of Hell and made Lima implode. You tend to mess everything up when it comes to that little piece of gel sticking it into holes you cannot provide him with."
Kurt accepted that Santana may have had a point there. "But why the hell did they… blow everything up before after hiding it this long?"
"Because that poor bastard didn't know that the woman of Blaine Anderson's life was the same one she sang with thirty seconds before," Sebastian answered.
"Nor she has the habit of fucking everything up when she already has it all," Kurt finished, looking at the table, absent-minded. He raised his eyes to meet Santana's. "We have to take Rachel out of here."
"Let us start the first meeting of the sorority of the…"
"We don't have a name," Sugar interrupted Brittany during her initial speech.
The two besties were sitting on Mrs. Pierce's bed with their legs crossed, in front of Rachel, who was on the desk, observing Lord Tubbington from the distance. "Brittany, are you sure you have a license to have this… feline in your house?" Rachel didn't know how to refer to the massive animal that was staring at her while wandering around the top of the chest of drawers.
"It's my cat, Lord Tubbington, don't you remember him? I thought I was the one with memory/head problems in Glee Club."
"Besides my Asperger's," Sugar pointed out.
"Besides Sugar's Asperger's," Brittany corrected herself.
"It's just… it has… he has… grown… to…" Rachel was still trying to get relatively comfortable with the presence of the animal. "Brittany, that is not a cat, it's a jaguar."
"He had a rough year. We've been feeding him with burritos and churros since Santana left, but we didn't get the expected result," Sugar said.
The blonde shrugged. "He looked so cute with the ponytail and the Cheerio outfit though."
Rachel chuckled nervously. "Okay, I don't know what I am doing here, so… I better go." She stood, but the cat, with a surprising agility given his size, got in her way with a meow that was far away from a purr and way closer to the roar of a lion.
"You are here because you had a fight with my best friend's girlfriend, who is your best friend though nobody understands how she can stand you. That's pretty much the main reason why we are giving you a free intervention," Sugar replied, with brutal honesty.
"Rachel, you and I have to do some serious bonding," Brittany said from his bed and turned on a video camera that was already set up on its tripod. She sat back down and turned to look through the lens. "Good evening everybody, here we are, May 6th 2013, with an encore episode of Fondue for Two with one of the main characters of our show as our special guest star." She stood back up, and moved the camera so that it would record Rachel's freaked out face. "Rachel Streisand Berry. Say hi, Rachel."
"It's… it's Rachel Barbra Berry, actually." She blinked a few times, trying to realize what the hell was going on.
"Oh, sorry, I knew it was something like that. Anyhow, Rachel Barbra Berry, our spectators have been wondering how things are going with your former fiancé, Finn Hudson." Sugar took a picture of Finn and placed it between the camera and Rachel, very professional.
"Brittany, what's going on?" Rachel asked, with her eyeballs ready to fall out to the floor if she opened them a little bit wider.
"Fondue for Two, episode 214, the talk show where we've been following the evolution of the main personae of the McKinley Low School. Note needed: the state removed our 'high' since Principal Figgins started renting half of the gym as a stable for his church to storage their sacred cows." Brittany made a pause. "And now, Rachel Barbra Berry, tell us, are the rumors of you coming back to WMLS in order to resume your sexual journey with Blaine Anderson true?"
Sugar illustrated it with a crayon-drawn caricature of Blaine. "Sorry, my printer ran out of ink, but the picture has it all: bowtie, weird eyebrows and the hair is shining because I used actual gel."
"Could this be a little more surreal?" Rachel tried to open the door of the room, but Lord Tubbington charged at it, closing it back. "Brittany, do you mind telling your cat not to hold me hostage?"
The girl picked the camera by the legs of the tripod to focus on her cat, instead of using the mobile structure of the… whatever, it's Brittany, she doesn't know how to use a tripod, and thank God that camera didn't burst into flames. Period.
"Rachel, you owe me at least one interview after putting me aside for the last four years. I know there is a law protecting me from this mistreatment of yours." Brittany made a pause. "And you would never run away from a camera. You love them. It's in your DNA to be the center of attention. And since Sugar's dad produces my show, I have 2000 watchers per night."
"Our ratings are higher that FOX's Thursday nights," the daughter of the producer who operates with totally legal money, nothing related to the mob, added.
The diva agreed and sat back down on the chair. "I am fully aware that you are manipulating me, using my vast yet brilliant ego to make the views of this nonsense shoot up through the roof. For the record," she finally looked into the camera, "Brittany S. Pierce is not playing with me." She was also fully aware of how bad it would be for her reputation that people thought for a second that the blonde played her. "Can you repeat the question, please?"
"I've already forgotten." Then there was an awkward silence. "Oh, yeah, Finn and you."
"We have our love nest in New York, haven't been into a fight for eight straight months. Couldn't be any happier. And. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Cheat. On. Him. With. Blaine." She took the drawing of Blaine and showed it to the camera. "Am I clear? Me and Finn, so in love as we could be. Nothing and no one is going to get between us," she explained very clearly, slowly and adapted for any handicapped mind.
"We'll see that." Sugar fake-coughed.
"Happy?" Rachel asked Brittany.
The blonde turned to Sugar. "Can you take Lord Tubbington to the kitchen and help him with his dinner? But don't let him deep-fry the vegetables. He has to diet for the bikini. Summer is coming," she said that last sentence very Stark-style.
Once the two of them were alone in the room, Brittany turned off the camera and sat on the bed, looking at Rachel with a supportive smile. "Don't be mad at Santana, okay? She's just trying to take care of you."
Rachel appreciated this surprising and more serious attitude. "I'm not mad at her. I know she doesn't want me to… make a wreck out of my relationship with Finn, but… she and Kurt got on my nerves earlier. I know what's good for me and what's not!" She was trying her best not to break into tears. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of a powerless girl.
"And Blaine is good for you, isn't he?"
The diva nodded, with a foolish smile on her face.
"He took care of me after Santana left. Sugar is a good friend but… He gets what it's like to be left behind by the people you love more than anyone."
"Blaine is one of a kind."
They remained silent for a while. Thinking of the little boy. Of their little guardian. The little big man always by their side when they needed him. Finally, Brittany ruined the moment by going through her pile of CDs. "Give me a performance for tonight's Fondue for Two. You'll like it."
Both of them chuckled when the song started playing.
[Overprotected – Britney Spears]
Brittany:
I need…
Rachel:
…time.
Brittany:
Time.
Rachel:
Love.
Joy.
Brittany:
Joy.
Brittany and Rachel:
I need space.
Brittany:
Love.
Rachel:
I need… me.
Brittany:
Action!
Rachel:
Say hello to the girl that I am.
You're gonna have to see through my perspective.
I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am.
And I don't wanna be so damn protected.
Brittany:
There must be another way.
'Cause I believe in taking chances.
But who am I to say
what a girl is to do.
God, I need some answers.
Rachel:
What am I to do with my life?
Brittany:
You will find it out don't worry.
Rachel:
How am I supposed to know what's right?
Brittany:
You just got to do it your way.
Rachel:
I can't help the way I feel
but my life has been so overprotected.
Brittany:
I tell 'em what I like, what I want, what I don't.
But every time I do I stand corrected.
Things that I've been told
I can't believe what I hear about the world, I realize
I'm overprotected.
Rachel:
There must be another way.
Cause I believe in taking chances.
But who am I to say
what a girl is to do.
God, I need some answers.
What am I to do with my life?
Brittany:
You will find it out don't worry.
Rachel:
How am I supposed to know what's right?
Brittany:
You just got to do it your way.
Rachel:
I can't help the way I feel (Brittany: Help the way I feel)
but my life has been so overprotected.
Brittany:
I need time.
Rachel:
Love.
Brittany:
I need space.
Rachel:
This is it, this is it.
Brittany and Rachel:
I don't need nobody telling me just what I wanna.
What I what what what I'm gonna… (Brittany: I need)
Rachel:
…do about my destiny.
Brittany:
I say no, no.
Brittany and Rachel:
Nobody's telling me just what I wanna do do.
I'm so fed up with people telling me to be
Rachel:
someone else but me.
Brittany:
Action!
Brittany with Rachel harmonizing:
What am I to do with my life.
You will find it out don't worry.
Brittany and Rachel:
How am I supposed to know what's right?
You just got to do it your way.
Brittany with Rachel harmonizing:
I can't help the way I feel (Rachel: feel)
But my life has been so overprotected.
Brittany and Rachel:
I don't need nobody telling me just what I wanna.
What I what what what I'm gonna.
Rachel:
Do about my destiny.
Brittany:
I say no, no.
Rachel:
Nobody's telling me just what I wanna.
Brittany:
Do, do.
Rachel:
I'm so fed up with people telling me to be
someone else but me.
What am I to do with my life?
Brittany:
You will find it out don't worry.
Rachel:
How am I supposed to know what's right?
Brittany:
You just got to do it your way.
Rachel:
Oh, I can't help the way I feel (Brittany: Help the way I feel)
Brittany:
but my life has been so
Brittany and Rachel:
overprotected.
