Déjà Vu

Chapter Three

Sarah checked her watch. She was ready to get rid of her hot potato. She clutched her book bag on her lap and looked around the patio outside the student union. Where is he? He was desperate to have the envelope back… Sarah wanted to leave before the two men could catch up with her.

"Oh, thank God you're safe." Matt sat down next to Sarah, obviously winded from running. He looked around carefully. "We can't stay here."

"No kidding! I just barely got out of my apartment! Thanks to you, I have two baddies stalking me. Well, I guess three if I count you."

"Make that four. I took care of the one in the SUV. It's a good thing they don't have you in the backseat of their car right now."

Sarah could not hide the shock on her face. "What? Did you kill someone?"

"You watch too many spy movies or something. I just knocked him out of commission so I wouldn't have three to deal with. I guess you did a good job getting past the other two. I don't see them. Let's go—right now."

"Whoa, hold on there. I'm not going anywhere with you." Sarah pulled the envelope out of her book bag.

Matt grabbed it and shoved it in his pants, under his shirt. "Careful! Look you're not safe. I need to help you."

"Maybe I should thank you for helping me, but I don't know who the good guy is and who the bad guy is here. I'm leaving now. Goodbye!" Sarah got up and started to walk away.

Keeping an eye out, Matt got up and went after her. "Look you can't go back to your apartment. It's too dangerous. Those guys meant business."

"I don't intend to go back to the student housing."

Walking alongside her, he offered her a friendly smile. "You know, I never got your name."

Sarah knew fishing when she heard it. "Nope, and you never did give me yours."

"Hey, Sarah, is this guy bothering you?" A man about Matt's age caught up to them. He was about Sarah's height, shorter than Matt. Although he was nice looking, he was thin, and wore glasses. His pants were baggy and his shirt was slightly wrinkled. Matt guessed he was another grad student.

After looking Jeff up and down, Matt turned back towards Sarah. He ignored the intrusion and pretended to be an old friend. "Nice to see you again, Sarah." He smirked as he emphasized her name.

Sarah looked at Matt, uncomfortable. She looked back at the other man. "I'm fine, Jeff. We were in a class together last semester. Jeff, this is…"

"Chris, Chris Thompson. Nice to meet you." Matt shook Jeff's hand. Sarah eyed Matt warily.

"Look, Chris, it was good seeing you again. Jeff, I'm getting ready to head out to run those errands I told you about. I'll call you later, okay? We can get together then." She gave Jeff a quick kiss. Matt grimaced. He caught himself. Why do I care who she kisses? Am I becoming attracted to this woman? I just want to be sure she's okay.

Jeff stared at Matt as Sarah walked quickly away. Rather than get into something with Jeff, Matt took off, pretending to go another direction before doubling back. He made sure Sarah got in her car and watched her drive away from the parking lot. There was no black SUV in sight, and the two men were still nowhere to be seen. He jogged to his car and headed to the Agency with the envelope.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

Sarah pulled into her parents' driveway. Since she knew they were at work, she grabbed a few things from the car and went straight to the stairs for her grandmother's apartment. Once inside, she closed the door and looked around. It smelled faintly of her grandmother—perfume and soap—even two years after her death. Amanda had not changed anything. The same photos sat on the side table by the couch, and the coffee table held the same favorite knick knacks her grandmother had treasured. Sarah smiled and moved to the window. She pulled up the blinds, allowing the afternoon light to flood the room. It was a beautiful late spring day outside, so she opened the window. A faint breeze blew her hair. She closed her eyes and sighed, feeling refreshed. I'm so glad I decided to come here. Refusing to think about the events at campus, Sarah looked over at the house and allowed her thoughts to drift to her parents.

She remembered being embarrassed with her brothers when their parents would kiss and embrace in front of them. Phillip would tell them to "get a room." Secretly, Sarah had sort of enjoyed it. It made her feel secure about their relationship. She knew how much they loved each other.

Her grandmother, Dotty, had always talked fondly of Lee and Amanda's relationship. Sarah thought back to one conversation that had been etched in her memory. She and her grandmother had been sitting together in this room, enjoying one another's company, when their talk had drifted to Mom and Daddy. "I had never seen your mother so happy, darling. Joe was such a nice man; I never questioned your mother marrying him. But they drifted apart. It was hard watching your mother so miserable. She never said anything, but I knew. I was determined to help your mother make your brothers' lives as normal as possible after she and Joe divorced. But your mother's life wasn't normal. She was so alone. Even when she was dating Dean—you probably have heard about Dean—your mother was still hurting from the divorce. I guess he just wasn't the right person for your mother.

"Then she got that job at IFF—well you know, it was the Agency—but I didn't know that. All those crazy hours, but there was a bounce in your mother's step again. Finally, after about three or four years, she started bringing your father home, letting us get to know him. I had no idea that they had gotten married when your mother was shot. It must have been so hard for your dad not to be able to really talk to me. You know, he latched on to me once we got to know each other and things were out in the open. I can never be his mother, but it is nice to mother such a good man." Sarah smiled to herself, remembering how much her grandmother had loved her father—just like he had been her own son.

The conversation had continued. "I was so hurt and frustrated once I found out about the marriage, but it was impossible to stay angry very long. Your mother was so happy—even more so after your dad moved in with us. The way your father would look at her, it was like your mother was the best thing that had ever happened to him. And your mother, she stood by your father with such devotion. They are still like that. She and your father are soul mates. I could see it from the start. They can have a conversation without even saying anything—they just look at one another. It was that way for your grandfather and me." Sarah remembered Dotty pausing for effect. "Sarah, make sure you find a man like that. Don't ever settle for less."

Realization dawned on Sarah, and she sat down hard. She remembered the words she had said to herself just the other day. I always thought there would be a spark. Sarah knew why she felt so nervous about a future with Jeff. He isn't The One, is he, Grandma? But we've spent almost four years together. Tears fell slowly down her cheeks.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

Sarah had not heard Jeff's car pull up on the street. Even though she had invited him to the apartment, she was startled when she heard him on the steps. Her tears had dried an hour ago, but after her experience at the student housing, she was on edge. Gathering herself, she got up and went to the door.

"Hi, sweetie." Jeff stood there, holding a bag and a bouquet of flowers.

"Hi Jeff. Come on in." Sarah tried to sound bright. Jeff gave her a quick kiss. There just isn't any passion there. He's like my brother. How could I have not seen this?

He held out the bag first. "I brought you a smoothie and your favorite poppy seed muffin from the Southside Bakery. I figured you probably hadn't eaten since breakfast."

Jeff was always so thoughtful. He remembered things. Sarah went to the sink and arranged the flowers. She put them on the coffee table, and then joined Jeff at the table. She was hungry. "Thanks for thinking of me, Jeff. The flowers make things seem so homey." She took a sip of the smoothie. Just the way she liked it.

Jeff looked around the room. "It looks like you just got here." Sarah had finished unloading the car, but boxes still sat unopened on the floor.

"Oh, I've been here for an hour or two." She bit into the muffin. It was good. Maybe with some food in her stomach, things would seem better…

Sarah finished her muffin and smoothie. Jeff chatted about his day. Is this what it would be like to be married to him? After all, isn't marriage about companionship? Then why am I not telling this man about what happened to me this morning? We're just chatting about the class he taught last night. He never asked about the party last night.

Jeff walked into the living area and sat down on the couch. He patted the spot next to him. "Come, sit with me." He put his arm around Sarah's shoulders as she joined him on the couch. "You know, I've missed relaxing with you." He leaned in and kissed her.

Sarah kissed him back. She felt flat. They pulled apart, and he looked into her eyes, trying to gauge her. He pulled her to him in a hug and they sat like that for a few moments.

I wish we could just stay like this. It was so nice to be held after all that had happened that morning.

Jeff kissed her hair and spoke again. "It's so peaceful here in your grandmother's apartment. I love just sitting with you, no work hanging over our heads." They sat awhile longer. Finally, Jeff gently released Sarah and slid off the couch to one knee.

Jeff saw Sarah's expression. "I know this isn't really the way I had intended to do this, but I like the privacy we have here." He paused, and looked into Sarah's eyes. Sarah hoped that he could not see the fear she felt. "Sarah, I have grown to love you these past four years. I can't imagine ever being without you. I feel that we have so much in common with our work…I want to be with you for the rest of our lives." Jeff paused, and went on. "Will you marry me?"

But I don't love you enough—we aren't soul mates. We just study history together. There's no passion, no spark. I just want to be friends. Sarah couldn't find her voice.

Jeff saw Sarah's expression and was flustered. "I know I've caught you off guard. It's just that I am so excited that you are finally done with your graduate work. I've been planning to ask you for weeks—and this just seemed like the perfect moment."

"Oh Jeff, we are such good friends. Couldn't we just keep it that way for a while? I don't know if I'm ready for marriage."

Jeff looked like he had been struck. "Friends? It's been more than that for a long time, hasn't it?"

Sarah broke in quickly. "Oh, it has been more than just friends. You are so dear to me. I'm just, well… Jeff, I'm still so tired and overdone with all the work I just finished." And today was so scary. "I guess I need more time. Oh, I feel so overwhelmed." She fought back tears. She didn't want to hurt Jeff. But she couldn't mislead him.

"This wasn't the reaction I'd expected, Sarah." Jeff looked at her for a moment, and then spoke quietly. The hurt in his voice was unmistakable. "I'm sorry. I should have waited. You need more time." Jeff got up to leave. "I'd better go."

"Jeff! Please wait. Can't we just sit together for a little while?" Sarah's voice was desperate.

"I think I need to go." Jeff was fighting back his emotions.

Sarah watched as Jeff went out the door and listened to his tread on the stairs. His shoulders slumped, he made his way down the driveway to his car. Sarah let out a sob and dropped to the floor. She drew her knees up to her chest and sat against the couch, crying uncontrollably.

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

When Matt arrived back at the Agency, he went straight to Francine's office off the bullpen. Expecting a mixed reaction, he got one.

"Well, Granger, I guess I should congratulate you on getting the envelope back. I had better send this to Jamie for analysis. We also need to see if it was tampered with by…who did you say had the envelope? Did you bring them in for debriefing?"

"Uh, I didn't say."

"You did find out her name, didn't you?"

"She wasn't telling."

Francine counted to ten, then thought for a moment. It was a remarkable thing that Granger had gotten the envelope back. She had to give that to him.

"Look, Mr. Stetson is not going to be pleased if I walk in there and don't have a name. We don't know if this girl is really a student, or if she works with those guys in the SUV."

"Call it a gut instinct, but those guys were not after the girl to punish her for unfaithfulness to the cause or something. I believe they wanted the envelope. They waited, instead of going into her apartment right away. Besides, these were the same guys who chased me. How could they have arranged for me to pick her car?"

"You're too green to have gut instinct, but you have a point about picking the car… Listen, we need to take this to Mr. Stetson. I'm calling in Mrs. Stetson, too, since you are still technically under her direction."

Francine got up from her desk and went towards Lee's office, ducking into Amanda's office just long enough to ask her to join them. Amanda got up and followed them to Lee's office.

Matt told his story once again, making sure to include his points in Sarah's defense.

Lee was gruff. "Well, Granger, you did a good job getting the envelope back. Are we getting a background check on the girl? What's her name?"

"Uh, sir, I don't have her name."

"What? Couldn't you have asked her name? We need to know whose side she's on. We have an agent that could be compromised—she might have made the backup before he left." Lee was yelling.

"Sir, she wouldn't tell me her name."

"You were in her apartment! Couldn't you have grabbed some mail and looked at it?"

"I didn't have time. Besides, one of the rooms had been recently emptied—the girl was moving out. I didn't see any mail."

Amanda broke in. "Lee, I think Granger made a good point about the two men. Not only did they wait outside her apartment, as if they were following her, but how could they have known Matt would pick the girl's car?"

Lee looked at Amanda and then at Francine, who obviously agreed with Amanda. "All right, we will have to let that one go for now. Is Jamie working on the message?"

"Yes, Jamie is working on it right now," said Francine. "Let me give him a call and I'll see what he has." Francine stepped out of the office.

Lee looked at Amanda. "Before you came in here, I heard that two Homeland agents have gone missing. We've got federal agents being compromised left and right, and there is still a threat on the Capitol. We've got to find out who is behind all of this."

Amanda leaned forward in her seat. "Lee do you believe they are going after our men to distract us?"

"It's been done before."

Francine walked back in the office, notepad in hand. "Jamie had just finished deciphering the code in the message. It doesn't tell a lot. Apparently there is a loose coalition of sorts working on an attack—and it's coming soon. Our contact believes that someone has recently come back on the international scene, someone with an ax to grind."

"An ax to grind? That sounds like personal revenge, not a terrorist attack," said Amanda.

"It could be a combination of both; we need more to go on." Lee looked at Granger. His wife trusted the young agent, and against unlikely odds, he had found the envelope. He deserved a second chance. "Look, if you are able to handle yourself like you did this morning, I need you to go to tonight's meet. No civilians this time. Bring back the envelope yourself."

"Yes, sir. Just tell me where I need to be."

SMKSMKSMKSMKSMK

Amanda pulled her white XC90 up behind Sarah's Corolla. She had left work early so she could greet Sarah and help her get settled before dinner. As she approached the apartment stairs, she thought she heard sobbing through the open window. Amanda quickly climbed the stairs and knocked on the door.

"Sarah, it's Mom. Are you okay?" There was no answer, just continued sobbing. Amanda slowly opened the door and looked inside. Sarah was still on the floor by the couch. She rushed over. Kneeling beside Sarah, she gathered her daughter in her arms. They stayed that way for several minutes. Finally the crying subsided.

"Let me get you a tissue." Amanda got up and brought a box from the bathroom. She sat on the couch near Sarah, waiting for her to speak first.

Sarah blew her nose and took a deep breath. "Jeff came over. We were having such a nice time, just sitting and being together. He brought me lunch…and flowers."

Amanda looked at the flowers. She knew what was coming.

"He asked, didn't he?"

Sarah nodded. She choked back another sob.

"You said no?"

"Not exactly. I just let him know I wasn't ready. I just want to be his friend, Mom."

"But Jeff doesn't feel the same way. He's been waiting…"

"Yes…Mom, before Jeff came, I remembered Grandma telling me how happy you had been when you met and married Daddy. How you were soul mates." Sarah blushed. "When I was younger, I remember being embarrassed when you would kiss. We could tell you were so…well you know, in love, even though you'd been married for years."

Amanda smiled, remembering the night before. "We still are."

"She said you were soul mates, and I should never settle for anything less."

"I suppose she was right."

"Mom, you know she was right. I know now that Jeff isn't my soul mate." Sarah started to cry again quietly.

Amanda drew her daughter up to the couch so they could embrace again. She held Sarah for a while.

"I led him on for four years."

"Sarah, you did not lead Jeff on. You didn't understand your feelings. You are very fond of him—or you wouldn't be crying like this."

"Yes, but he wants me to love him. To be his wife. I just can't do that. It would be like lying."

Amanda nodded. They leaned back against the couch and sat silently together for a little while. Sarah wasn't the talker she was, so Amanda had learned to wait and listen.

"I guess he must be pretty frustrated with me. I made him wait, if you know what I mean." Sarah looked down, blushing.

"Oh Sarah, he might be frustrated now, but it will be easier for you both in the long run." She hesitated and then said, "Your Daddy has always said that he loved me more for being that kind of woman. I believe he respected my scruples—even though he teased me about them when we first worked together. Later, he was careful to wait because he knew I had been hurt before. I loved him even more because of that.

"Jeff stayed with you for four years because he loved you for who you are and respected you."

"You know, he said something interesting. He said, 'I feel that we have so much in common with our work.' Do you suppose he only thinks he loves me? What if he's thinking about our studies so much, he hasn't taken the time to look for that spark, too?"

"I don't know… Listen, it's getting close to dinnertime. Do you want to come help me make dinner? Your father will be home soon. I know he'd love to spend some time with you, if you don't mind."

"I'd love to be with both of you, Mom. Thanks for being here—and for listening. I love you." Sarah gave Amanda a hug.

"I love you, too, dear."

The lovely afternoon was fading. Sarah closed the window and they left the apartment together.