Ray.

June 18th

I love Neela. I have loved Neela since I was 15, and now I think I've managed to drive her and Katey away, and Im not quite sure how to fix it. Last night was amazing and scary and wonderful in equal measures. I don't know what inspired me to start telling Neela how I felt about her; I'm thinking the alcohol helped a bit. I told her everything I've been wanting to tell her, I told her I loved her. And then she kissed me, and I swear my heart stopped beating just for a second when her lips touched mine. I forgot everything else. I forgot we were best friends, and that I had a girlfriend. Nothing else mattered except the feel of Neela's lips against mine, and how her body fitted perfectly into mine. I was truly happy in those few minutes when the world was just Neela, me and kissing. But then Katey came into the room and the bubble burst.

I didn't know what to do. I hold my hands up and admit Im terrible in a crisis, even more so when said crisis involves the woman I love and my girlfriend. I couldn't look at Neela, I didn't want to see the regret in her eyes I knew would be there. She's my best friend in the whole world, she probably only kissed me out of a need to be polite or something. So I went to Katey trying to make her calm down, or she'd make herself sick. She was so angry, I have a few bruises to back that up- she sure packs one hell of a punch for such a small girl. I didn't really try too hard to make her stay though. The whole relationship was flawed from the beginning, I was going into it hoping to fall in love with her, but knowing I never could because I'm already so headlong in love with Neela that no other girl stands a chance. Even when me and Katey met Neela was still there in my mind.

Last December

It was just another freshman throwing a dorm party, and I was stood in the corner, nursing a beer, talking to a guy off my course about the true merits of Myan chants when the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. This happened every time Neela would look my way, and when I turned round I was honestly shocked to not find Neela there looking at me. Instead it was this girl I knew vaguely off my course, and she was just stood there across the room from me staring. I didn't know what to do at first, unaccustomed as I was with strange beautiful girls staring at me from across crowded rooms. But then she beckoned me over with a flick of her finger, and a little bewildered I went to her. "I'm Katey" she says offering her hand, I take it shaking it slightly. "I'm Ray. Do you want a drink?" She shakes her head, pointing at the glass in her hand "I'm good thanks." And then she throws me the most sunshine brilliant smile that I have to smile in return. She's beautiful, no one could deny that, but there's something not quite right…oh yeah she's not Neela. We spent the next five hours talking about home, music, movies, and somehow my feelings about Neela. Its like I could tell Katey anything, and she took it all in her stride.

The next night we met up again at a bar near campus and watched this local band play. It was a really good night, lots of drink and laughter. And when I walked her home she insisted on holding my hand, to keep herself upright she said. At her door I gave her a hug and she kissed me. Resistance was futile. After that we just seemed to become a couple. No warning, no temporary period, no nothing…just her sitting next to me in every class we had together and introducing herself as my girlfriend. It was much easier to just go along with it and hope my feelings would soon reach the same point as hers.

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Unfortunately my feelings never quite reached the same dizzy heights as Katey's did. I was extremely fond of her, but she just wasn't Neela. And of course she knew all about my feelings for Neela that's why she invited herself to come stay with me this summer. She didn't trust me to not fall back under Neela's spell and get together with her. But that's exactly what I've done, and I feel awful for hurting her but I love Neela. Nothing can change that, except maybe my actions last night. I just left Neela on her own, I didn't explain at all, just went to bed.

Right I have to talk to her, I have to explain that she's the only girl for me. That I love her so much it hurts to think she might not feel the same. That Im prepared to move to New York to be with her. Anything to make her know and understand that it's always been her, and if she'll have me it always will be her. Im going to go talk to her…wish me luck ha ha.