Leon (wakes up)
Leon: Ugh…I'm still in the Village Douche's house. I'd better go downstairs because he's probably waiting to throttle me in his room.
Village Douche's voice (on the other side of the door): That's crazy.
Leon: …
Leon (dials Hunnigan on the radio)
Hunnigan: What?
Leon: Um…I think I'm in deep shit, cuz my eyes are turning red and stuff. And—
Hunnigan: It's called detox.
Leon: I'M NOT! ON! DRUGS!
Hunnigan: Agent Kennedy, how dumb do you think I am?
Leon: You would never call me again if I answered that.
Hunnigan: …
Leon: …
Hunnigan: I'm hanging up now.
Leon: Wait! There's like a cult or something!
Hunnigan: Oh?
Leon: Um, yeah. They do…bad things.
Hunnigan: …
Leon: …
Hunnigan's radio (clicks off)
Leon: God, she never takes me seriously!
Leon (winces suddenly)
Leon: Man I have to pee! Where do you find a bathroom around here?
Leon (sees door downstairs)
Leon: Maybe there's a potty in here.
Leon (opens door)
Creeper taking a piss inside (screams like a girl)
Leon: Oops!
Leon (closes the door and backs away)
Leon: I'm bigger than him, too.
Creeper (punches door open and storms toward Leon with righteous fury because his private piss has been interrupted)
Creeper (angrily): Hablahbla—
Leon (introduces his Shotgun to the Creeper's head)
Creeper's head (explodes)
Leon: That's hot.
Leon (goes into bathroom and sees urinal)
Leon: Ew! It's all rusty and grody and shit! No WAY I'm using that! I can hold it or use a pitcher or something! Gross!
Leon (loots everything in sight)
Leon: Hey, an oven!
Leon (opens it)
Oven (has an egg in it)
Leon: Cool. Hey, I wonder if I can equip eggs.
Leon (equips egg for a weapon)
Leon: Hee. I wonder what these do to enemies.
Leon (opens door and looks outside)
Leon: I think I hear something that sounds faintly like a chainsaw. But I think there were chickens here, too. Must be the chickens.
Chainsaw Maniac (grins)
Leon (walks forward)
Chainsaw Maniac's chainsaw: VRRRRR!
Leon's bowels (release)
Leon: O. M. G.
Chainsaw Maniac (starts running at him)
Leon (to egg): SAVE YOURSELF!
Leon (throws egg)
Egg (splats on the potato sack of Chainsaw Maniac)
Chainsaw Maniac: OH NO I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY!
Leon: Really? Then why didn't you die from my cheesy one-liners?
Chainsaw Maniac: …
Leon: …
Chainsaw Maniac: I SAW YOU TO BITS!
Leon: OMG DON'T HURT ME!
Leon (runs inside and stands in the corner like a puss)
Door (starts rattling from the chainsaw)
Leon: Eek!
Door: Hey! Mofo with the chainsaw! Why don't you try OPENING me instead of hacking me to pieces?
Leon: Better yet, Mr. Mofo, why don't you try GOING AWAY and telling all your Creeper buddies to leave me alone?
Chainsaw Maniac (opens door)
Leon: Well, it was worth a try.
Chainsaw Maniac (runs at him)
Leon: Wait, I haven't run out of grenades yet!
Chainsaw Maniac: Hey, no. No throwing grenades.
Leon: Excuse me? You have a chainsaw!
Chainsaw Maniac: But does my chainsaw explode?
Leon (is absorbed in the awesomeness of that idea)
Chainsaw Maniac: The answer is no.
Leon: Darn.
Chainsaw Maniac: Now put the grenade down nice and easy, and I'll saw your head off.
Leon: …yeah, that doesn't work for me.
Leon (chucks grenade)
Explosion (knocks Chainsaw Maniac onto his face)
Leon (runs up and empties 7 shotgun rounds into Chainsaw Maniac's head)
Chainsaw Maniac (starts getting to his feet)
Leon: You're not human!
Chainsaw Maniac: …damn, you're so dumb I almost feel bad killing you.
Leon (fires one more Shotgun blast)
Chainsaw Maniac (dies)
Light (appears)
Leon: Ooh, a Ruby! Where'd that come from?
Game: Yeah, that's totally a Ruby and not a big scab made from the blood of the Chainsaw Maniac.
Leon: …what?
Game: Just pick it up, boy.
Leon (picks up Ruby and then exits the Village Douche's house)
Creepers: HAH GAH BLAH!
Leon: Where'd they COME from?
Leon (blasts Creepers with Shotgun)
Leon: Yeah, who's your daddy?
Shotgun: Me.
Leon: Hey, you're a shotgun. You can't talk.
Shotgun: Sorry.
Leon: 'S ok.
Leon (goes back to the Village of Assholes)
Leon: I think there was a door or something that had a fugly symbol on it that was similar to this key I jacked from the Village Douche.
Door (has fugly red symbol on it like the key Leon jacked from the Village Douche)
Leon: Bingo.
Creeper: Ognib yas enoemos did? (Did someone say bingo?)
Leon: Shite.
Leon (unlocks door with fugly red symbol and runs inside)
Leon: Whew. That was close.
Leon (takes everything in sight)
Leon: Hey, a flame-y lamp.
Leon (shoots lamp)
Lamp (falls and smashes on the ground, creating an awesome explosion)
Leon: I approve. Hey, there's a Spinel in there!
Leon (picks Spinel up)
Leon: What kind of dumbass leaves money in a flame-y lamp?
(flashback)
Creeper dad and little girl Creeper (are running around, grabbing their possessions)
Creeper Dad: Yrruh! Noos ereh eb lliw tnega live eht! Nwo ew gnihtyreve laets ll'eh! (Hurry! The evil government agent will be here soon! He'll steal everything we own!)
Little Girl Creeper (all Cindy Lou Who-ish): Yddad, su etah eh seod yhw? (Why does he hate us, daddy?)
Creeper Dad: Yenoh, wonk t'nod I. Egalliv ruo ni toof tes eh tnemom eht morf lleh gnivil a efil sih edam dna rethguad s'tnediserp eht deppandik ylno ew. (I don't know, honey. We only kidnapped the president's daughter and made his life a living hell from the moment he set foot in our village.)
Little Girl Creeper: Deid ehs nehw em evag Ymmom taht Lenips siht tup I dluohs erehw, Yddad? (Daddy, where should I put this Spinel that Mommy gave me when she died?)
Creeper Dad: Pmal y-emalf siht ni ti edih, yenoh, kciuq. (Quick, honey, hide it in this flame-y lamp.)
(back to present)
Leon (continues down tunnel and sees another flame-y lamp)
Leon: Well, the last one had money, so…
Leon (shoots lamp)
Lamp (explodes again)
Shinys (magically appear on the ceiling)
Leon: OMG magic lamp!
Leon (shoots the shinys and picks up the awesome items)
Leon: Rock.
Merchant (sees Leon picking up the shinys and decides that he's rich)
Merchant: Welcome!
Leon: Yeah, hi.
Merchant: Buy from me!
Leon: Hm.
Leon (looks through stock and sees TMP)
Leon: I want THAT.
Merchant: Sold!
Leon (sees upgrades for TMP)
Leon: I'll take those, too.
Merchant: Not enough cash…STRANGER.
Leon: Fuck. You.
Merchant: Well, OK, but it won't get you a discount, stranger.
Leon (backs away slowly and runs out door)
Merchant: Come back anytime!
Leon (shoots a bird's nest out of boredom)
Hand grenade (falls out of nest)
Leon: OMG I KNEW the crows were plotting against me!
Creeper bitch (hears gunshot)
Creeper bitch: Mih teg! (Get him!)
Leon: Pfft, what, only one?
Two more Creepers (run toward him)
Leon: Figures.
Leon (kills all three)
Crows (fly away)
Leon: No! Come back! I wasn't going to kill you! Honest!
Crows (don't believe him and keep flying)
Leon: Damn.
Leon (starts going up the path towards the church)
Creeper with dynamite standing next to two other Creepers (decides to be clever and lights dynamite)
Leon: Hey, you don't want to do that.
Creeper with dynamite: Ton yhw? (Why not?)
Leon: Because I can do THIS!
Leon (shoots dynamite)
Dynamite (explodes and kills all three Creepers)
Leon (to Handgun): Damn I love you.
Handgun: I know.
Leon: Of course you do, I just told you.
Leon (notices church)
Leon: Hm, there's a church. But I wonder if there's another one.
Leon (runs past church)
Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!
Leon: Radio, man, Creepers can HEAR YOU!
Radio: Sorry.
Hunnigan: Leon, did you get to the church?
Leon: Eeeeyeah, kinda. I'm just checking to see if there's another church or not.
Hunnigan: Leon, did I mention not to take the scenic route?
Leon: Trust me, as long as I have to see your face, my route won't be scenic.
Hunnigan: ASSHOLE! Head for the church!
Hunnigan (hangs up)
Leon: Man, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
Leon (looks at church)
Leon: I bet it's locked.
Leon (calls Hunnigan)
Hunnigan: WHAT!?
Leon: The church is LOCKED, hor!
Hunnigan: Did you CHECK it?
Leon: I don't have to. I know it's locked.
Hunnigan: CHECK it!
Leon: Listen, lady, this is Resident Evil. I'll probably have to fight, like, a fucking giant or something to get to the thing that unlocks the church.
Hunnigan: You can't know that just by looking at the church.
Leon: Hey, who's the government agent here?
Hunnigan: Actually, I think we both a—
Leon: ME. Leon out, hor.
Leon (hangs up)
Leon: I wonder what's behind the church.
Leon (goes behind the church and kills the pesky Creepers who are bent on ending his life)
Leon: God, why does EVERYONE here hate me ?
Leon (sees pedastal with symbols on it and something locked in the center)
Leon: A puzzle? The thing inside had better be something awesome, and not like a stupid green jewel or something.
Leon (fiddles with the dial for an hour until the middle console finally unlocks)
Stupid green jewel (is sitting inside)
Leon: God-DAMN-it!
Leon (takes jewel anyway and heads down the path beside the church where you have to jump across)
Leon: Hey, wait, I have to jump? Who the fuck am I, Mario?
Creeper (jumps across)
Leon (shoots him)
Creeper (falls, screaming, into the abyss)
Leon: I think I like this place.
Leon (enters shack nearby with boxes and barrels)
Leon: I sure do love these boxes and barrels! There're free items inside, and best of all, there aren't any snakes waiting inside to lunge and pluck one of my eyes out!
Leon (knifes box)
Snake (is inside waiting to lunge and pluck one of Leon's eyes out)
Leon (knifes snake)
Leon: Hey! There was a snake in there!
Creeper outside (giggles)
Leon: Not THAT kind of snake, you perv.
Shiny light (appears)
Leon: An egg came from the snake? Hm…must have been a girl snake.
Game: Yeah, because snakes totally don't eat chicken eggs or anything.
Leon: Hey, Game? You're crazy enough as it is, don't try to be crazier by spouting ideas like that.
Leon (enters the next area)
Group of, like, 20 crows (caw like bastards and stand in a circle)
Leon: ZO. M. G.
Leon (chucks a grenade at the crows)
All 20 crows (die)
20 shiny money lights (appear)
Leon (weeps over the beauty of it for a few moments before collecting everything)
A noise that sounds like the roar of something big (roars loudly)
Leon: That noise sounds kind of like…bad.
Leon (enters the Merchant's shop)
Merchant: Welcome!
Leon: Shuddup.
Merchant: I've got something special for you!
Leon: Ooh!
Merchant (holds out free Punisher)
Leon: Um…and I would use this instead of my normal Handgun which I've upgraded because…?
Merchant: Uh…well…it can shoot through…more than one enemy?
Leon: …
Merchant: Well, FUCK, just take it and sell it back to me, you ungrateful wretch!
Leon (does that)
Merchant: Come back and I'll pop you with the Punisher, stranger.
Leon: Whatever.
Leon (leaves and enters the swamp area)
Boulder (sits quietly atop a cliff)
Leon (walks forward)
Boulder (is pushed by three Creepers)
Leon: OMG NOT AGAIN!
Leon (runs all Indiana Jones style from the boulder)
Boulder (misses him)
Leon (wheezes)
Leon: Ok, I'm fine.
Leon (looks around the area and realizes it's pretty big)
Leon: Well…I'll just stick to the docks. It's not like I'll turn around and there'll be a bunch of Creepers coming from where I just entered, because it's obviously empty.
Leon (reaches the end of the first dock)
A bunch of Creepers (magically teleport to the entrance of the swamp behind Leon)
Leon: OMG they're WITCHES!
Leon (runs back and kills all the Creepers)
Leon: God, whoever made this game needs to DIE.
Game: Stop being a whiny bitch and keep moving.
Creepers (appear in front of him)
TNT trigger-trap thing (explodes and kills a Creeper)
Leon: Ah, comedy.
Leon (kills the Creepers coming at him and runs down the docks until he sees a second TNT trigger-trap thing)
Leon: Hm…should I just explode this or—
Creeper (is standing ahead innocently with his back to Leon)
Leon (pops him in the back)
Creeper (turns around and runs blindly toward Leon)
Leon (backs up)
Creeper (runs straight into the TNT trigger-trap thing)
Leon: AAH HA HA HA HA!
Another Creeper: TAH KAH DOH!
Leon: Damnit.
Leon (kills other Creeper and enters the Lake area)
Leon: Hey, I think I see a boat out there on the lake.
Leon (takes out his super secret binoculars and zooms in)
Two Creepers on a boat (dump Spanish Cop into the lake)
Spanish Cop (floats)
Lake Thing (bursts up and eats Spanish Cop)
Leon 9sees Lake Thing eat Spanish Cop)
Leon: Wow. I'm so glad I don't have to fight that.
Game (cough)
Leon (calls Hunnigan)
Hunnigan: WHAT?
Leon: I wanna go home. Like now.
Hunnigan: Too bad.
Leon: A Lake…Thing…just ate someone.
Hunnigan: Honestly, Leon, I don't care. Stop wasting time and FIND ASHLEY.
Hunnigan (hangs up)
Leon: Why does NO ONE listen to me!?
Leon (heads toward the Lake, shooting a bird nest)
Gold Bangle (falls out of nest)
Leon: Damn crows! Jacking all the expensive shiny shit!
Leon (takes the stuff from the nearby shack and looks at the dock by the lake)
Leon: …I'm tempted to stand on the dock and start firing into the water, but I sense something bad might happen.
Lake: You're crazy, go ahead and shoot.
Leon: Nah, I'll pass.
Lake: Damn.
Leon: Hey, Game. There's nowhere to go.
Game: Get in the boat, son.
Leon (remembers the Lake Thing)
Leon: No.
Game: DO IT, son.
Leon: NO!
Game: You'll have fun, I promise.
Leon: …
Game: See those bass? If you get in the boat, you can harpoon them!
Leon: Ooh! Fun!
Leon (gets in boat and starts harpooning bass)
Leon: Whee!
Bass (all die)
Leon: Darn, these ones are all dead and skewered. I wonder if there are any more around?
Game: Try looking for them in the middle of the lake.
Leon: OK!
Leon (motors over towards the middle of the lake)
Lake Thing aka Killer Guppy Monster (bursts from the lake all slow-mo)
Killer Guppy Monster: RAR!
Leon: OMG! Killer guppy!
Killer Guppy Monster (starts to swim away)
Leon: Oh thank God, it's going away. Wait, why is there a rope leading from it to my bo—
Boat (is suddenly pulled forward by Killer Guppy Monster)
Leon (lands on his ass in the boat)
Leon: Aw DAMN! I SAID I didn't want to fight it!
Killer Guppy Monster (starts swimmin' around all boss-like)
Leon: Time for me to go Ishmael on his ass.
Leon (picks up harpoon)
Killer Guppy Monster (passes boat)
Leon (shanks it with harpoon)
Blood (sprays from Killer Guppy Monster)
Leon: Hit!
Leon (shanks it with two more harpoons)
Killer Guppy Monster (dives and disappears)
Leon: …where the fuck is it?
Killer Guppy Monster (starts swimming towards the boat with its mouth open)
Leon: I don't wanna be guppy food!
Leon (throws three harpoons at it)
Killer Guppy Monster (closes its mouth and dives)
Leon: Man, that was close.
Leon (shanks Killer Guppy Monster with five harpoons)
Killer Guppy Monster (knocks Leon out of the boat)
Leon: Oh SHIT.
Leon 9dog-paddles for his life and hauls himself into the boat)
Leon: gasppantwheezechoke
Killer Guppy Monster: Damnit! Missed him!
Leon (manages to avoid having a heart attack and harpoons Killer Guppy Monster again)
Killer Guppy Monster: YOU SLAY ME!
Killer Guppy Monster's corpse (starts sinking to the bottom of the lake)
Leon: I'm going to stand here and not move because that rope is totally not going to wrap around my leg or anything.
Rope (totally wraps around Leon's leg)
Leon: AAAAGH!
Leon (hacks away at rope)
Rope (breaks)
Leon's leg (hurts like a muther)
Leon (lays gasping in the boat, then sits up and motors off like he didn't almost die)
Leon: Man I'm a badass.
Game: A badass who almost killed himself by letting a friggin rope wrap around his leg.
Leon: Shut it.
END OF SECTION 1-3
END OF CHAPTER ONE
