Chapter 3 - Messages
Tel Aviv, Israel
Letter to McGee
Dear Special Agent McGee,
I hope you are doing well since I have last seen you. I know that you will already know this by the time you get this letter, but I must share with you now. I am sorry to say that I chose to stay in Israel. My father has decided that I am no longer loyal to Israel, because of the things that I have done while working with NCIS. I have had such a wonderful time working with you and I view you as a big brother that I have lost. You are better than Ari was at his best, and I wanted you to know that from me, in case we never see each other again.
I know that we did not talk much, but you need to know that I view you as a brother and love you as such. You were always so supportive of me, no matter what the situation was. I thank you for that. Please, do me a favor. Take care of Abby and Tony. They will not be happy about my staying behind. Tony will go off and drink and date all of the wrong women, as he usually does when he is hurting. Please do whatever you can for him. And Abby will be hurt by my disappearance from NCIS. Please comfort her and do not let her know that I have asked this of you. She is a sister to me and I hate to think of her hurting and alone. I know none of you would leave her alone.
There is one more thing. My father will ask me to make an aliyah and fight for this country in a way that he has never asked me to before. He will send me on a dangerous mission. So, please, do not try to contact me. If I have the chance I will contact one of you when it is over. Have hope, McGee. I will try to come home when all of this is over.
Yours,
Ziva
Letter to Abby
Dear Abby,
We are the very best of friends, I need you to know that. I have never had a friend quite like you. You are like a sister that I have long forgotten. Her name was Tali and she was very important to me. You are also very important to me. I am not returning to America anytime soon. I can safely tell you why without feeling guilty for telling this to you.
Abby, it is my father who has made me stay here. He has always had control over me. He is manipulative, which is not something that I realized before I watched them fly away without me. I am already very sorry that I have allowed it to get this far, but it is too late to change it. I will be going on a very dangerous mission, though I do not know to where yet. If you have the opportunity to covertly stick your nose in where it does not belong, please do that for me. I need someone watching my back and I fear that I have hurt Tony too much to ask him that.
Abby, look out for the team. They will need you, especially Tony. I have hurt him too much this time. You should have seen his eyes as he realized I was not getting on the plane. I am truly sorry for hurting him and I hope that I will have the chance one day to repair the situation, though I am not sure I will survive the summer. I have disobeyed my father and there are always severe consequences for that. I love you, Abby. Hold on for me.
Ziva
Letter to Gibbs
Dear Jethro Gibbs,
Hello again. The last time I spoke with you it was not under happy circumstances and I know that I have betrayed your trust in me. I did not do it of my own accord. I wish there was a way that I could assure you of that. You have met my father, yes? He is a bastard. He manipulates me. I know that you left me here so that I would have time to think and now it is too late for me to change whatever is to come my way.
I am sorry that I chose all of this. I am very sorry that I did. I know, rule six, never apologize it is a sign of weakness. Well, then call me weak, Gibbs, because I am weak. I have fallen for my father's tricks again and have never been strong enough to stand up to him. It is now at the expense of my heart and my true family that is at NCIS. I will miss each and every one of you. I need you to know this, so please, keep reading.
I do not often get into personal conversations with you, Gibbs, because I know how you feel about details. You think that they are not important as long as you can read the person. And, honestly, I would just allow you to read me if it were as simple as taking the next flight to Washington to let you do just that. However, nothing is that simple in my life, it never has been. I have never been given a choice, the only choice I have ever made was to join your team four years ago.
I need to come clean about something, because I am sure that my father will let it out if he thinks I am gone. Gibbs, I did have orders to kill Ari. Originally my orders were about six months before he ever went to America. He was causing problems in Morocco and all over the Middle East. My father had told me that he had joined Hamas for real and was working against Mossad. I did not believe him and it was the only time that I actually defied my father. I have never found the strength to do so since.
When Ari went to the Unites States he told no one about it and I did not catch up to him on time to get him before he killed Caitlyn Todd. I am very sorry that I was not there to save her. I have heard a lot about her from all of you and I had a file on her. She was a good woman and a better agent. I am extremely sorry for your loss of her. I should have followed orders when I was supposed to. If I had she would still be alive.
However, when I arrived in America, I was told to kill Ari to gain your trust. I was not going to do that. If I had, he never would have been in your basement with your sniper rifle that day, Gibbs. I never would have learned what I did about my father that day and his words still haunt me as I sit here writing to you.
I did not kill Ari because they were orders, Gibbs. I need you to know that. I wanted to find out if he was innocent or guilty, though I had a suspicion that he was guilty long before the moment in your basement. I agreed to go with you that night, because I honestly did not want him to kill another NCIS agent. I hoped you were wrong, but I knew it was a fools' hope. I knew that he was going to show up, and I knew that I was going to have your back.
I did not agree to this because of my father's orders, although they did comply with his orders. I agreed to this because there was something about you Gibbs. There was something very fatherly about you when I met you. I could see it in your eyes and yes, I knew about Shannon and Kelly. I knew what you had lost and I could see in you that you were a better father than mine had ever tried to be. It was unfair for you to lose them. I would not lose you to my brother.
With that said, I am sorry that I was not honest with you about it earlier. I hope that you can forgive me for not sharing it with you, but you know that personal matters are not easy for either of us to talk about. As for the other personal things that you do not want details on, I have some things I want to share with you.
Tim McGee is like a brother to me. He is a better brother to me than Ari was at his best moments. And for that I am eternally grateful and will not forget how he was protective over me even when he was terrified to death that I might hurt him. I trust time with my life. He will not be happy with me for leaving NCIS, but he will do the brother thing and understand why I did it, though he will never say it. I know that McGee's father is much like my own and I admire Tim for getting away from him as much as he could. If I survive this mission, I think I will use Tim as my shining example of what to do.
Abby is like a sister to me. She will never replace Tali and I know that, but she often reminds me of the spirit that Tali had when we were children. Abby is always upbeat and positive. I love that about her. Please, take very good care of her. She will be very hurt over my absence. I remember what the loss of Kate did to her and I am sorry for that, as I feel it is my fault for not following orders. I know what you are going to say, "He was your brother, Ziva, you have no reason to be sorry." I thank you for the wisdom you would share with me. It is a comfort. Abby will make it known to all of you that she is pissed off with me and upset with me. Please, try to make this better for her.
Ducky is the grandfather that I never had. Please help him through this. He will be troubled. And Palmer will not be happy either, so help him as well. Have their backs, please, Gibbs.
Tony is another matter. I have betrayed Tony the worst of all and I think we both know what that will do to him. I am not sure what Tony is to me, Gibbs, I do not know how to describe it accurately. I have never trusted a man the way that I trust Tony. I can tell him things, though I often choose not to. I told him about Tali the first time that I met him, when you asked him to follow me before I killed Ari. I knew I could trust him then.
I have deduced that Tony has commitment and trust issues, which is why he acts as he does and uses a woman for a night and moves on. He is afraid of a committed and monogamous relationship. Perhaps there was something with his mother or something with a woman when he was a younger man. I do not know and I do not wish for the details, though I am curious. Tony trusted me. He trusted me to have his back and he trusted me enough to be serious with me on several occasions. For that I am eternally grateful.
Tony was very protective of me and I often showed annoyance at it, but deep down I was grateful. No one has ever watched over me the way that Tony has in the past. I always felt safe with Tony and that is not something that I have ever felt (safe with any man). I was always glad to know that he was there to protect me.
In the most recent months he was trying to protect me from Rivkin. Rivkin had orders to follow me, date me, seduce me, and bring me home to Israel. I had orders to help Rivkin, though at the time I did not know that Rivkin's orders were all about me. I had orders to trust Rivkin, because his heart was in the right place. I trusted these orders because they came from my father, and I wanted to believe that my father was good.
Tony was onto Rivkin and I knew that he was right. I knew that Rivkin and my father were manipulating me, I just wanted to believe otherwise. When I walked into my apartment that day I knew that Tony was hurt and I was extremely concerned and sorry that I did not have his back. I wish that I could have showed him that, but I have a hard time opening up. I knew that Tony must have had a good reason for killing him and I am sorry that I did not share that with him. But, so recently after being betrayed by Rivkin I knew that I could not attempt to open up to Tony and try for his trust, though I know now that I could trust Tony.
As I have said, I betrayed Tony the worst. I used him as an excuse for you to leave me here, because I wanted to please my father and not hurt you. I do not know if there is anything I can say to Tony that will make this better. Well, I know the words, but I cannot share the words with you or him because they are deeply personal to me and not something that I am sure I can share. They are mine and I have to guard them with my life.
Tony will feel betrayed. He will be shocked and hurt by the words that I told you on the tarmac at the airfield. You already know this. You have already seen this, because you do not lie to your agents, your family. That is what I do. I was raised to lie and hide the truth and my emotions. I wish I could change that and I will work on it in case I ever see you all again. This is my first attempt at the truth and I know this is a long letter, but I have to tell you everything so that you know.
Tony will not be himself without me there. The loss of Kate was abated by me being there. My loss is deeply personal to him. My hurtful words are deeply personal to him. Do not be fooled by our act, I know how Tony feels about me. I have just been too afraid of this moment to share it with him on how I feel and what I want. This is the moment I was afraid of. I was afraid that my father would yank the chain and have me home. I was right.
Tony will resort to drinking. He will drink heavily and he will not be himself. He may even give up his jokes and his childish behavior that he often hides behind. He will be too deeply hurt to hide, just as I am too deeply hurt to really hide. I am not myself Gibbs and my father knows it. He will use that to his advantage and I am afraid for the first time in my life.
Be there for Tony, please. Reassure him. Comfort him. But, be realistic with him. I will probably never see you or him again and the thought that I cannot apologize to him is what hurts me the most. I have hurt him and created a mess. But, I will be sent away on a mission that I will probably not survive, you know my father. This is my punishment for betraying him and not remaining loyal to only him.
I did not intend to say this, Gibbs, but I think I love Tony. Not as a brother, or a coworker, or a partner, or a friend. But I think I have somehow, over the last four years, fallen in love with Tony. It is too painful to think about never seeing him again and whatever happens, I will NOT betray NCIS and I will not stop fighting for my life. I want to see you, McGee, and Abby again. But, I need to see Tony again. I need to make things right between us again. I am sorry that this got so personal, I know how you feel about personal and details.
I am giving you the letter that I have written for Tony. Please give it to him when the time is right. I want you to read it also, so that you know what I say to him. He will not read it while he is so angry. But, you will know when the time is right to give it to him. Please, do this for me, even though I have betrayed your trust more than once. I love you as a father Gibbs and I hope that you can forgive me for hurting everyone. You are the father that I have always known that I could never have. Thank you for everything that you have done for me.
Here's to hoping we meet again.
Ziva
Ziva had started to shed tears as she wrote the letter to Gibbs. There was evidence of tears on the page and she did not bother to hide the tears since she was alone. It was late at night and she had one more very difficult letter to write. She pulled out a new piece of paper and spilled a few tears on it before ever beginning. This was the most difficult of all of the letters she would have to send.
