No warnings.

Bleach isn't mine and yada yada.

----

Ichigo grew still once he had shut the bedroom door behind him. His head was still spinning and there was a sour taste in his mouth.

Why the fuck are you doing this to me?! You're supposed to be my friend! He paused in his thoughts and rolled his eyes. As if I'm any better... I'm the one jerking off thinking about him. I'm fucked. Completely and totally fucked.

His hand, still lingering on the door handle, started shaking and he let go, cradled it in the bandaged one, willing it to stop trembling. The light breeze from the cracked-open window swept over bare skin and reminded Ichigo of the fact that he was nearly naked. He hated that Renji had seen him like this. Vulnerable, blushing, weak. There was nothing he hated more than being weak. Maybe letting other people see him when he was. Yes, he decided, he hated that even more.

Throwing a blatant lie in the fucker's face hadn't helped. Ichigo had hoped it would make the fire in his face go away, would make Renji back off, but even though he had dropped the subject nothing had eased up. Nothing. It just hurt more.

Clothes. Put on clothes and make Renji leave. Order some food. Study.

He stalked over to his closet and removed clean boxers from it, changing quickly before the nosy fucking idiot came sniffing around for him again. Idiot. Idiot idiot idiot motherfucking IDIOT!

Ichigo welcomed the anger creeping up on him with open arms, let it flow through him. It steadied his hands and cleared his head. He slipped into a pair of worn jeans, buckling the belt while spitting curses under his breath.

He had his arms and head trapped in a green t-shirt when there was a knock on the door. Go away. "Come in." Ichigo managed to pull the shirt down and quickly ran his hands through his hair.

The door opened and Renji stepped in, leaning back against the door frame while crossing his arms over his broad chest. "Hey."

"What do you want?" Ichigo snarled before turning his back to the shinigami.

"Just came to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine."

"You need to stop lying."

Straight to the point. That was Renji for you, subtle as a fucking brick in the face. Ichigo clenched his fists. "I don't know what you're talking about."

There was a growl and before he could even blink Ichigo found himself swept around, large hands clamping down hard on his shoulders.

"It's bad enough that you're lying to others, but you can't lie to yourself, Kurosaki. Look at yourself." Renji shook Ichigo's shoulders lightly. "I don't know what the fuck just happened back there, but it wasn't pretty. Your face just closed down. Your eyes went dead!"

Ichigo opened his mouth to speak, to hurt, to redeem himself but nothing came out.

Renji ploughed on. "There's something between us, don't even try to deny it, but you know what? I don't care about that. It's not what's important here. You've no obligation to return my feelings. You've an obligation to face whatever the fuck is going on inside you and deal with that." He shook Ichigo's shoulders again for emphasis.

"That's none of your fucking business." Ichigo scowled hard, toying with the idea to spit Renji in the face.

Renji leaned in closer, their faces inches from each other, as if reading Ichigo's thoughts and daring him to. "Are you stupid or something? I said it's your business and you need to deal with it."

The boy swallowed. The cold dread that had been lurking beneath the surface broke through and pushed the anger to the sidelines. "You don't know how it feels." He licked his lips, forced himself to look Renji in the eye. "I can't. I just can't."

"Why not?"

Anger pushed back. "Fuck you, Renji. Just fuck you! You make it sound as if it's easy! You've no idea of fucking hard it is! You've no idea of how it feels to want shit you're not supposed to want, of how long I've kept-" Ichigo paled as his brain caught up with his mouth.

He saw Renji's eyes narrow and glimmer so he did the only thing he really knew how to.

Slapping the hands from his shoulders, Ichigo took a step back and shoved his friend hard in the chest, making him stagger backwards. He was back up in Renji's face in a split second, one hand gripping the front of the redhead's shirt, the other pulled back, ready to strike.

But he hesitated.

"Just do it." Renji's voice was low and level. "Be a big man. Hit me and see if it makes all this go away."

Ichigo bristled, eyes ablaze, but he didn't move. "Why did you come here, Renji? What do you want from me?"

"I came to talk, Ichigo. I came to see if things were cool between us." Renji paused, bit his lip. "And yeah, I came because I wanted to see you, because I-" Crimson eyes closed. "Because of what I felt yesterday when I left here."

"And you felt what? I made you hard? You jerked off thinking of me, is that it?!"

"What? No! That's not it!"

"'Cause I did, ok?! I couldn't get that fucking story out of my head and it's just… wrong! I don't DO that shit!"

Renji's eyes widened at that but otherwise he was seemingly unfazed by the hand bunched in his shirt, by the looming fist that seemed to ache with the need to kiss his jaw, even by the screaming in his face that was punctuated by specks of saliva. He reached up and flattened his hand against Ichigo's heaving chest, right over his racing heart. "It's ok, Ichigo. Calm down. It's ok."

"The fuck it is!" He threw the punch, not really surprised when Renji caught the fist in his before the impact. What surprised him was when Renji didn't let go but instead squeezed his fist until it relaxed and opened, and then knit their fingers together.

Ichigo released Renji's shirt, blinking furiously. He tried to pull his hand back but Renji wouldn't let him. A whine found its way from his throat and when he felt his legs finally give out he allowed them, dropping to his knees with a thud. He found himself unable to do anything but stare up at Renji. His chest hurt, as if something in there tried to break free.

"It's not wrong, you know. There's no shame in it." Renji squeezed his hand and then released it.

Ichigo remained silent, brown eyes locked on Renji's face in a wordless plea.

Renji sighed. "Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and not give a fuck about any kind of male pride right now." He kneeled down on the floor and dragged Ichigo into his arms, holding him tight to his chest. "You can hit me later for this."

"Renji-"

"Shut up. Just shut up, idiot." Renji murmured and tightened his grip, resting his chin on top of Ichigo's head.

Ichigo felt that something break in his chest. He started to tremble. Feelings that had been kept in check for so long, for too long, washed over him, threatened to drown him. Before he knew what he was doing he had reached out and now clung to Renji like a child in need of comfort, hung on as if his life depended on it.

And Renji held him, arms wrapped around his trembling back, nose buried in unruly orange locks. He sighed again. "I'm sorry I made you go through this. Could've chosen a less bumpy road, at least."

Ichigo tried a chuckle, but out came a strangled sob. "I'm supposed to be stronger than this." He paused, grasped for words and the courage to utter them. "I've been close to death way too many times. I've died, Renji! I've fought…" Ichigo's voice cracked. "I've fought so many enemies."

It was as if he was unable to stop once he'd started, the words tumbled from his mouth.

"I've saved my friends more times than I can remember. I've fought in a fucking war. I almost killed you. Hell, you almost killed me. I've a hollow in my head! I-" Tears stung his eyes and he blinked. "And I break down over this."

"'S what happens when you bury things. In the end they always come back to bite you in the ass."

"It hurts."

"Well, duh."

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Renji's hand moving in gentle circles over the boy's back.

"Fuck." Ichigo rubbed his eyes furiously with the heel of his hand. "You shouldn't have to see me like this. No one should. I made a promise to myself a long time ago."

"What was the promise?" Renji still held him tight.

"Never mind. It'll sound stupid."

"C'mon, tell me."

Ichigo let out a shaky sigh. "That I wouldn't be a burden. To my family, to anyone. Ever."

"You're an idiot." Renji's voice was soft. "Listen, I don't want to rub my experience in your face, Ichigo, but I've lived for a long time now and I like to believe I've picked up a thing or two along the way. One thing I learned early, when I was still a little street rat, is that you have to depend on people. You have to have someone who's got your back, and you have to believe that they do. Not just in battle. Always. There's no way you can go through life without being a burden to someone, if that's what you wanna call it."

Ichigo leaned back a little and looked up at Renji, feeling him loosen his grip but not let go. "You know, I think that is the longest I've ever heard you talk in one go." He smiled. It was faint and crooked, but it was a smile.

"I think my big speech after you nearly killed me in Seireitei was longer." Renji returned the smile. "When I begged you to save Rukia. That was when I started to depend on you, by the way." He released his hold and gripped Ichigo's shoulders, pushing him back until he could look him straight in the eye. "You can't carry the world on your shoulders, Ichigo. It's just too damn heavy."

Ichigo gave him a curious look. "When the hell did you become so wise, Renji?"

The shinigami snorted. "Maybe I'm just good at playing dumb." He raised a brow and flashed that old familiar wolf grin, the one Ichigo couldn't help but to return.

They stayed like that for a while, looking at each other.

"Renji…"

"Yeah, I know. Enough talk." Renji let his hands slide up to cup Ichigo's cheeks and pulled him close, pressing their lips together. Just like that. As if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And maybe it was. Ichigo didn't protest, didn't panic. Instead he found himself kissing back.

It was short. Sweet. There was a hint of tongue, a sigh, half a moan and young fingertips running over a tattooed neck. Then it was over.

Renji pulled back, eyes travelling over Ichigo's face, over reddened lips, over pink blotches staining smooth cheeks, before they came to a stop when they met brandy coloured ones looking back, soft with emotion, red-rimmed from earlier tears. "You ok?"

"That was… nice." Ichigo couldn't smile, could hardly think, but he could offer some kind of reassurance, let Renji know he was ok.

"Yeah." The big redhead placed a kiss on the tip of Ichigo's nose. "It was."

As Ichigo's head slowly cleared he found himself thinking it was almost funny how easily he had cracked in the end. It felt like that something in his chest had broken for good.

Another feeling made itself known, throbbing in his stomach and spreading through his body like wildfire. It called out. It growled, loud enough for them both to hear.

"Wanna get some lunch?" Ichigo smiled sheepishly.

"Oh god yes. My stomach's been grumbling for hours. They really hate feeding me at Urahara's."

Ichigo chuckled, then paused for a moment. He sucked in his bottom lip and bit down gently, before wrapping his arms around Renji's neck, hugging him tight.

Renji stiffened for a second before relaxing into the hug, answering it. "What's this, now?" His voice was a low rumble against Ichigo's neck.

"I dunno. I don't get to hug a lot of people. It's never been… my thing, you know? But I really think I like it." Ichigo mumbled back. "And I guess I wanna say thanks. For this. For showing me that damn webpage and not making fun of me. For putting up with my shit. For, ah… For kissing me."

"Any time, kid."

----

A minute later they untangled themselves from each other with the least possible amount of awkwardness, but still… It was pretty damn awkward.

Ichigo had thrown a fit, suffered a complete breakdown ending with him more or less coming out and gotten his first kiss, by his friend no less.

Renji on the other hand had severely surpassed his wisdom quota, and was now feeling shame gnawing at the corners of his mind. He had just stolen a seventeen-year olds first kiss after all.

But it was all good.

Ichigo felt lighter somehow as he got up, awkwardness aside, and he wiped his eyes dry with the hem of his t-shirt before flopping down on the chair by his desk. "I feel like pizza. You ok with that?"

"I'll go for anything as long as it's food. Where's your family by the way?"

Ichigo shrugged. "Off to some fair. My old man left some money for food, said they'd be home late."

"Huh… Home late, eh?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I might be able to avoid that damn idiot of a shopkeeper and his sideshow freaks for another couple of hours." Renji shuddered visibly. "What did you think I meant?"

Ichigo put on his best I-knew-that face and reached up to scratch an arm. "Never mind." He glanced down at Renji who was still sitting on the floor.

The shinigami had his impossibly red hair in its usual spiky ponytail, kept in check with a white bandana, and wore plain, good looking clothes for once. Just a simple long-sleeved shirt and a couple of straight-legged jeans. Nothing fancy, but it was miles away from the usual fashion disaster.

Ichigo wondered idly if Renji had finally started picking the clothes out himself or just managed to find someone else than Rukia as his advisor. Then he realised that he was staring at his friend, looking at him in a way he couldn't recall having ever done before. Admiring his looks. Checking out his outfit.

Since when do I check out people's outfits?

Still… Renji looked good. Damn good, and Ichigo found himself wanting to be back in his arms. It was a very novel sensation.

It was then he realised Renji was looking back at him.

The redhead smiled at him but didn't say anything.

Ichigo smiled back, somewhat nervously, and got to his feet while clearing his throat. "Pizza! I'll go downstairs and order." He turned and left before Renji had a chance to reply.

The time it took for the pizza to arrive felt like one of the longest waits Ichigo had ever experienced. Renji had joined him downstairs and they were sitting at the kitchen table. It wasn't that Ichigo disapproved of the company, not at all. It was just that he didn't know what to do with it.

"Oi, are you ok?" Renji was watching him with something like an amused frown on his face.

"Huh? Sure. Just fine. It's just… This feels kinda weird." Ichigo scrunched his nose. "Not bad weird, just weird."

"I could punch you in the face if you want. That'll bring things back to normal."

"Fuck off."

"See? Already better." Renji grinned and leaned forward across the table, putting his hand over Ichigo's bandaged one. "Listen… What just went down upstairs is a big deal… A huge deal. I don't want to belittle it, but things don't have to change more than we want them to. I'm still Renji and you're still an idiot. An idiot I want to kiss, sure, but most of all an idiot who is a friend and a colleague."

Ichigo marvelled over the fact that Renji's hand completely covered his own. He had never compared the sizes before. He wondered how those hands would feel on his skin. "Your hand's big."

The shinigami groaned. "I really fried your brain with that kiss, didn't I?"

"Huh?"

Renji pulled his hand away and whacked the teen on the head.

The doorbell rang.

"Pizza!"

Half an hour later they were leaning back in their chairs, groaning with satisfaction and Ichigo found himself able to think again. It sort of freaked him out that he wasn't freaking out anymore. He felt that he should have a bigger problem with what was happening. He wished he knew what was happening. A wet sound disturbed his thoughts.

The redhead lazily licked grease and tomato sauce from his fingers and Ichigo couldn't help but to stare, cursing himself for doing so.

Renji paused with a fingertip lodged between his lips and caught his friend's eye. He let the digit slip out with a small 'pop' and leered at him. "Like what you see?"

The teen huffed and looked to the side, feeling that all-too-familiar blush starting to bloom on his cheeks for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "Fuck you."

Renji smirked and continued cleaning himself up.

Somehow it didn't really feel weird anymore.

Just different.

----

"Walls are all thin and brittle again, cupcake."

"Since when do you call me cupcake??"

"Since now, I suppose. You know, I was thinking of breaking 'em down and kick you outta the saddle, just so I could thank that fucking freak shinigami staring atcha. I assume you wouldn't appreciate that so just relay the message for me, will ya?"

"I don't understand-"

"Fuck knows how many years of pent up need for cock. One year of being locked up and having it shoved down my fucking throat without being able to feed on it, to burn it. It tastes like shit."

"I-"

"Shut up. All I have to say is that I was able to taste lovely, sweet nothing today and it's all thanks to him. And just so you know, I'll kill us both if you start bottling this shit up again, I swear. Alright?"

"I-"

"Great. Give him a nice big smooch from me. I'll just see myself out or whatever. See ya, cupcake."

----

A/n - LOOK A KISS and death by drowning in a sea of angst and fluff.

It was mad scary writing this. I'm really, really not a writer. I lost steam half-way through and cheated my way out of it with humour.

I've my doubts over the quality, especially since I managed to find an excellent fic while writing, that was saying pretty much everything I wanted to say.

Thank you guys so much for the support and comments. It makes me all fuzzy and it's so good to know my English is ok.

The next chapter is smutty, for those who are curious. :)

Comments are appreciated and welcome.