A/N: Augh! This was supposed to be satire! How did I end up with plot?!

Time: Noon Saturday, autumn of 2004.

Location: Café Mew Mew

"Sue-tamorphosis!" the five girls from table five chanted. A brilliant, multi-hued light that glowed blindingly in every color of the rainbow—including colors unperceivable to the human eye—shone around them. And when the light faded…

If anything, they were more beautiful and perfect than before—not that that should have been possible, since they were already beautiful and perfect.

Sue Deus was even more beautiful and glorious than before, the crown jewel of her team. Her deep violet eyes shimmered with flecks of gold. She struck a pose suspiciously similar to Ichigo's, only shifted so her arm was under her bust to emphasize it. Not that she needed it; the mere sight of her would have charmed any mortal…er, most guys and some girls, while pissing off the rest of the girls and the gay guys.

Sue Luci's hair had curled in ragged ringlets and her eerily pale eyes were now a deep, bloody red. Her teeth had sharpened to fangs, and she had huge at wings. Her stripperific top was now bikini-only—and worse, her cup overflowed—with a sheath of black fishnet over her belly. A pentagram belly-button ring had been exposed. Her already skimpy shorts were even shorter and more revealing, and it was plain to see she wore nothing underneath them. Her stilettos had, if possible, gotten even higher, and the ends of the heels were sharp-tipped and bright red. She rested her fists on her hips, bust thrust forward to magnify its size.

Sue Purity's long golden hair had gone pure white, and she had a pair of huge, beautiful swan's wings. Her eyes turned a vibrant emerald green, the most brilliant shade anyone had ever seen anywhere and were shot through with gold, and were even more compassionate—if that were even possible. She wore a long, elegant robe of pure white, belted at the waist with a golden sash, which flowed down to her golden-sandaled feet. She stood demurely, head and shoulders bowed as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Sue Tzu's hair had lightened to red and she'd gained a fox's tail and ears—and, bizarrely, ruby-red wings—though her eyes remained the same calculating grey. She wore a uniform similar to Mint's, except with more flair to the skirt and in a pale grey edged in ruby. On her feet, she wore a pair of ballet flats, bright red trimmed with silvery pearls. She cupped her right elbow in her left palm, her right hand rested thoughtfully against her cheek.

Sue Replica was eerily familiar—grey wolf's ears and tail, but with the addition of grey wings. Her outfit was exactly like Zakuro's down to the detail, only dark blue instead of violet, and her pose was even sexier than Zakuro's. She looked like she'd just won the Miss Universe beauty pageant. She was, quite possibly, the smoking-est girl on the team. Or she would have been if Sue Deus didn't outshine all her companions with the glorious light of her unimaginable beauty…

"Someone rip my ears off," Zakuro said. "I'm sick of listening to the author describe our opponents' beauty and the not-so-subtle hints that they have succumbed to their own Mary Sues' charms."

For goodness sake, Zakuro! Stop breaking the fourth wall and giving the readers undue spoilers!

"Hmph," said Zakuro.

"Who are you talking to?" Mint asked, giving Zakuro a sideways glance. Zakuro shook her head slightly, and Mint accepted the answer.

"We are Tokyo Sue Squad!" the girls declared. "We serve Tokyo from the goodness of our hearts!"

"And also for the fact that I have yet to finish my city-wide pentagram to sacrifice you all to Satan!" Sue Luci added.

"Tara!" scolded Sue Purity. "We're supposed to love everyone, not want to condemn everyone to hell!"

"Stop that!" Sue Deus scolded. "Sues, we have a chimera anima to defeat!"

The Sues rushed outside, and an instant later the Mews transformed and followed them. The Sues were already taking on the suspiciously weak bat chimera anima, and the Mews were a good twenty second too late to do anything.

"Satan's Circle!" Sue Luci exclaimed. A glowing copy of her belly-button ring materialized, and she grabbed in and hurled it at the chimera anima. "Ribbon…Satanic Binding!" The pentagram hit the ground under the chimera anima, and a prison of black energy appeared, trapping it.

"Purity Bow!" Sue Purity exclaimed, grabbing a golden bow out of midair. She struck a pose and fired. "Ribbon…Purity Glow!" A shimmering white arrow struck the chimera anima in the wing.

"My turn! Tzu Katana!" Sue Tzu shouted. She raced straight toward the chimera anima, jumping into the air and swiping her ruby-colored blade. "Ribbon Tzu Strike!" A crimson slash appeared across the chimera's body, and it shrieked.

"Replica Whip. Ribbon Copy Spear." Sue Replica said emotionlessly. A flick of her wrist lashed her nearly-identical-to-Zakuro's-weapon Replica Whip around the chimera anima's neck, and she slammed it to the ground.

"Now, for a dazzling finish! Deus Bell!" scouted Sue Deus. Her 'Deus Bell' looked like a golden version of Ichigo's Strawberry Bell. She leapt airborne and spun, skirt flaring gracefully around her long, perfect legs. "Ribbon…Deus Flash!" The chimera anima disintegrated into an infuser and a very confused bat, which quickly winged off.

"Now," said Sue Deus, "To handle the inferior canon characters."

"What does that mean?" Ichigo demanded.

Sue Deus laughed. "You stupid Mew. The Sues are the way of the future! We are unimaginably beautiful, breathtakingly powerful, incredible girlfriends…in a word, we're perfect. You are not, and you are ruining this story by continuing to exist! You're taking all the hotties, stealing our limelight, wasting time with your imperfect relationships, time that could be spent on better things—like us!"

Sue Deus stalked towards Ichigo, her cat's ears laid back against her head.

"I'll tell you what it means, Mew Ichigo. It means we'll either convert you to Suedom or kill you. And if you don't submit…" She laid her Deus Bell against Ichigo's chest. "…Well, we were going to make an example of you, anyway. Goodbye, Mew Ichigo—"

"Don't you dare touch my Koneko-chan!" Everyone froze at the sound of that familiar voice. Deus and Ichigo turned their heads to find Kisshu, Taruto, and Pai standing on top of Café Mew Mew.

"Kisshu!" Deus exclaimed. She dropped Ichigo and jumped into the air, landing next to Kisshu and pulling him into a passionate kiss. He shoved her back.

"Who do you think you are?!" Kisshu demanded. "My kisses belong to my Koneko-chan only!"

Deus looked crestfallen. "But you're supposed to love me," she said. "I'm prettier than Ichigo, utterly perfect, the kind of girl who can redeem you from villainy, and I love you! She doesn't!"

"That's part of the appeal," Kisshu said drily.

"I would suggest leaving," said Pai. He sounded bored. "If you don't, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you."

"Ooh, a bad boy," Sue Luci said. She, too, bounded up to the roof. "You and me could have some—Oof!" Pai had slammed the handle of his fans into her exposed stomach.

Deus glared, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes. "We'll get you next time!" she said, and she and the rest of the Sues vanished into thin air.

The instant she was gone, Kisshu jumped off the roof and pulled Ichigo into a hug. "Kitten, are you okay?"

"Get off, Kisshu," Ichigo grumbled. She shoved the alien off, and he grinned because that was as clear a signal as anything that she was okay.

"So they're here as well," Pai noted.

"The Sues are on your planet, too?" Shirogane asked from the doorway to the café.

"Yes," Pai said, scowling.

Shirogane shrugged. "Desperate times call for desperate measures," he said, opening the door and gesturing to the inside of the café. "Come in and we'll talk about the situation."

The inside of the café was as pink as Kisshu remembered it being. He would have hated it if it wasn't Ichigo's color, but it was and he loved it. All the pink was hurting his eyes, though. He tried to keep his eyes off the garish walls and on the floor, but his gaze kept wandering up to Ichigo, who walked right in front of him. She was even prettier than Kisshu remembered, her red hair longer, her legs longer, her figure curvier…her eyes just as bright as he remembered, the same earthy warmth that had kept him awake at night remembering the way she'd skewered him with her gaze and stolen his heart in one fell swoop.

He shook himself. Now was not the time to get trapped in an Ichigo coma, not with so many Sues out to get him. And not in the normal way, either—they didn't want him dead; they wanted him as a paramour. It was creepy. Kisshu didn't do creepy. That being said, he didn't really like the basement lab. It was dark, kinda creepy, and smelled funny.

"So," Pai said.

"So," Shirogane said. The two stared at each other, absolutely silent. Kisshu guessed it was because they'd always been enemies and didn't know how deal with being allies.

"Can we get on with it?" Kisshu asked. "I'm sick of dealing with stalker-Sues."

"I just wanna get rid of our nuisances," Ichigo said. "That Sue Deus person is getting on my nerves."

"It's 'cause she was flirting with me, isn't it?" Kisshu teased.

"No! I have a boyfriend!"

"And where is the tree-hugging boy wonder?"

"He's in England, studying ecology!"

"Oh, cool. Do you even hear from him anymore?"

"All the time!"

"Really?"

"Really!"

"Both of you, cut that out!" Shirogane exclaimed. "Alright, before they get into another useless argument, what are the Sues doing on your planet?"

"Some of them have infiltrated our special forces unit, but most of the Sues we've seen are attempting to seduce either Kisshu or I for reasons unknown," Pai said.

"You should be able to figure it out," Kisshu snarked. "You're the smart one, after all."

"Not with people," quipped Taruto.

"And here on Earth?" Pai asked, shooting his younger brothers a stop-that-now-or-you're-grounded look.

"I only just got readings to indicate their presences last night, but they've already done a lot of reality-warping. The tracker I had on Aoyama Masaya—"

"You have a tracker on my boyfriend?!" Ichigo yelped, horrified.

"…As I was saying, it cut out at around midnight and we currently have no idea where he is. We also have readings indicating warping at the Aizawa, Midorikawa, Fong, and Shirayuki residences, as well as Zakuro's modeling agency and the girls' school, and Mew Berry didn't show up to work this morning. The tracker on her pendant no longer works, either. My best guess is that they've already integrated themselves into society and are moving to attack us."

"I'm sorry girls, but I can't let you into the library while school is closed," the librarian said, glaring through her horn-rimmed glasses at the five girls standing on the other side of the desk.

"Oh, please, ma'am," the shortest girl said, wide green eyes brimming with tears. "We simply must use the library, it's for a very important project!"

The librarian prided herself on a steel spine and invulnerability to puppy-dog eyes, but one look and she melted. "Alright, just be careful and stay out of the janitor's way." She paused and glared at the tallest girl in the group, who fiddled idly with her lip piercing and shot her dirty looks from smoky-rimmed blue eyes. "And don't spray-paint or otherwise graffiti the shelves, books, chairs, tables, or other school property, or I'll have you all suspended."

"Yes ma'am," said one of the taller girls, brushing her bangs out of her eyes.

The librarian stepped aside and opened the door to the library, and the Sues shared a secret smile amongst themselves. They walked back through seemingly miles of shelves to a study room they had converted to their headquarters last night.

"Brava, Angelique," said Serafina Aphrodite Freya Rosebud Celeste Osbourne, also known as Sue Deus.

"Thanks, Sera!" Angelique Starfire Jasmine Holloway, aka Sue Purity said, smiling shyly at the older Sue.

"You know, you could have let me sacrifice her to Satan and raise her as my undead slave instead," said Ebony Tara Darkness Raven Way, aka Sue Luci.

"I calculate evidence of a Satanic ritual would get us caught about 90% quicker," Sakura Raleigh Einstein Hinode, aka Sue Tzu, stated.

"Hm," said Zakura Trinity Helena Minamoto, aka Sue Replica. As keeping close to Zakuro's elegant, aloof character, she tried to be quiet and look down her perfectly beautiful nose at everyone else.

"Come on, girls," Serafina said, sashaying over and opening the door.

"Good to see you all!" said Berry Serenity Belle Shirayuki, aka Sue Canon. "Now that we're all gathered, let's work on our latest project."

She turned on all the lights, illuminating the room completely. Trussed up in a corner was Aoyama Masaya, bruised, battered, and unconscious.

And tied to a spinney chair in the center of the room was his highly dangerous—and currently pissed—alien second personality, Deep Blue.

"What do you want with me?" Deep Blue snapped, piercing blue eyes glaring holes in Serafina. The head Sue refused to be intimidated, staring right back at him.

"I want you to work for me," she said, walking over and sitting down in his bound lap. The alien's lip curled in distaste, and he tilted his head back away from her.

"Remove your filthy self from my person immediately," he growled. Seraphina laughed and trailed her hand down his porcelain-pale cheek. Deep Blue shuddered and jerked away.

"Oh, come on. You know you want a chance to get back at the Mews," she said, lacing enough of her power into her voice that any ordinary person would have fallen immediately under her charms. Fortunately for Deep Blue, he wasn't an ordinary person, or even an ordinary alien.

"Actually, I was quite content remaining in hiding and gathering my strength. I have no interest in getting involved with the Mews." His eyes narrowed further, pupils shrinking to slits. "And I am very displeased by your treatment of my host. He has done nothing to offend you, and I warn you: I take damage done to what is mine very personally."

"Ooh, possessive and attractive. I like that."

"Don't touch me."

A slap rang out, and the Sues gasped. Deep Blue turned his head back towards Serafina, eyes glowing with hatred. The red mark of her palm already showed on his cheek.

"You will regret that," he said, his voice as smooth and even as if he were saying 'it will rain today'.

"I doubt it," Serafina said. "Admit it: you're beaten. Powerful as you are, you're no match for a Sue. Even at the height of your power—"

"You know know nothing of that," the alien replied, ears flattening aggressively. "You are a weakling, a usurper, a child. What do you know of me, I who have held a world in the palm of my hand? I am millennia older than you, and far stronger than one such as yourself could ever hope to be."

"Then prove it," mocked Ebony. "Get yourself out of here; avenge your poor, abused host, et cetera! Or at least do something rather than sit there looking pretty."

Deep Blue turned his head and looked away from her. "I am above such a petty waste of energy. It is more to my aim to wait for the six of you to grow weary of this game with an opponent who will not crack and simply leave to go about your business. The only reason I have not left yet is because your ridiculous interest briefly piqued my curiosity. Now that that has been sated, I am free to leave at any time I wish."

Angelique rested her palm on his knee. "Don't you want to be redeemed?" she asked, wide green eyes attempting to stare into his soul. Only attempting, though, because Deep Blue did not believe he had one.

"Stop reading my mind, author," Deep Blue grumbled, glaring at the ceiling. The author giggled. He's cute when he's angry. The alien scowled.

"You do, don't you," Angelique said. Deep Blue glared.

"I was not addressing you," he replied. "And how serving your foolhardy endeavor would redeem me is beyond my comprehension."

"You'll be working for the good of the Earth, for the good of your people!" the angelic Sue said, her eyes wide and earnest.

"I am not interested."

"You can beat up Mew Ichigo," Berry said. "I'll even hold her down for you."

"…You're not even trying, are you?" Silly Sues. The things you use to bribe Deep Blue are dark chocolate, smooth jazz, long walks on the beach, and…

"Agree to the terms or I'll cut his throat," Sakura said, yanking back on Masaya's hair and pressing a knife to the unconscious teen's neck.

…And Masaya's safety. That's the other thing you use to manipulate Deep Blue.

"Stop revealing my weaknesses, author," Deep Blue growled under his breath. It mostly sounded like a growl, though, and he wrenched furiously at his bonds. "Harm a hair on the boy's head and I will flay you in a thousand pieces so tiny you will need to be buried in a thimble."

"That's hot," Ebony declared. Sakura yanked back harder on Masaya's hair, and the teen gasped in pain. Deep Blue flinched.

"You're so smart, Sakura!" Angelique gasped, beaming. "How did you figure out that his weakness was that smart, handsome boy?" Ebony shot Angelique a disdainful look. To her, Masaya wasn't at all hot, and he was really quite boring.

Deep Blue fired a patented Deep Blue Glare at the author, who promptly decided it was a good idea to stop razzing on his host lest the alien leap through the screen and disembowel them, bringing an unfortunate end to both the story and the author.

"His protective response the instant we threatened his host when we first captured them was a good hint," Sakura said drily.

"Don't. Touch. Him." Deep Blue looked pissed beyond reckoning. Serafina promptly removed herself from his lap. She didn't want to be too close when he inevitably exploded.

Sakura was unfazed. "Agree to our terms or he dies," she said, applying slightly more pressure to the knife. A thin red line appeared on Masaya's throat. The teen, now fully conscious, whimpered slightly. Deep Blue's ears drooped.

"Fine," he said, bowing his head slightly. "I submit, but on this condition: if any harm comes to the boy, I will tear you all to pieces."

A/N: Okay, I think a little explanation is required here at the end. I actually prefer the manga ending to the anime ending (Masaya does something badass, and it is epic) but in both of them, I noticed a little something in the dialogue. When Masaya is preparing to take both himself and Deep Blue out, Deep Blue says something along the lines of 'Are you crazy? This will kill you, too!', which most people would take as an attempt to convince Masaya not to kill Deep Blue, but I took it to mean he didn't actually want Masaya to die. Thus, my headcanon gives me Protective!BigBrother!Deep Blue and LittleBrother!Masaya.

By the way, I didn't mean for this to end up with an actual plot. I'm apparently so bad at writing a standard plotless Mary Sue fic that it ends up with plot and characterization. -_-'