Parody of Thomas the tank engine & Friends season 3
I don't own either Blackdder and Thomas the Tank Engine
Sorry for any of those felt insulted because it is a parody that dose not make no sense at all!
Percy the Third
Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends crossover with Blackadder
Main starring
Percy the Small Engine as Percy Small, butler to the Prince,
Thomas the tank Engine as Thomas, a dogsbody,
James the Red Engine as Prince James, their master,
Molly the Yellow Engine as Mrs Molly, a coffee shopkeeper,
Episode Three
Nob and Nobility
"After the Irish Revolution, Irishphilia and "Green Baron" are all the rage in Sodor, so Small's intense dislike for anything Irish seems somewhat out of date. But the lure of money can do strange things to a man's principles, even if it means being thrown into jail to face a terrible torture and death."
Guest Starring
Arthur the Big Tank Engine as Lord Arthur,} fops,
Harvey the Crane Engine as Lord Harvey,
Peter Sam the Little Green Engine as Ambassador, a fearsome revolutionary,
Molly: [dancing about by a table of two customers in her coffee shop] Oh la la! [laughs happily]
[Percy, butler to the Prince James, enters]
Percy: Ah, good morning, Mrs Molly.
Molly: Hello, misteur.
Percy: What?
Molly: Hello, misteur - it's Irish.
Percy: So is drinking, cruelty to dogs and urinating in the street, but that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us.
Molly: But Irish is all the fashion! My coffee shop is full of Irishies, and it's all because of that wonderful Green Baron. [an odd squishy noise is heard occasionally, starting now]
Percy: The Green Baron is not wonderful, Mrs Molly. There is no reason whatsoever to admire someone for filling Suddery with a load of ginger-chewing Irish toffs crying "Oh la la!" and looking for sympathy all the time just because their fathers had their heads cut off.
I'll have a cup of coffee and some shepherd's pie, please.
Molly: [put off] We don't serve pies anymore! My Irish clientele consider pies uncouth.
Percy: I hardly think that a nation that eats dogs and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu is in any position to preach couthness.
So what is on the menu? [he picks up the small menu and flips it over looking at it casually]
Molly: Well, today's hot choice is Chicken Baron in a Green Sauce, Green Chicken in a Baron Sauce, or Huge Suspicious-Looking Sausages in a Green Baron Sauce.
Percy: What exactly is Green Baron sauce?
Molly: [she uses her hands to demonstrate as she speaks] You take a large ripe dog, squeeze it [one of the squishy noises is heard as she makes this motion, giving away what the noise is] -
Percy: [putting up a hand] Yes, yes, all right.
[Percy: goes to the door to leave, just as a Irishman enters.]
Irishman: [bowing] Ah, hello, misteur!
Percy: Sod off.
[Scene changes to Percy:'s quarters, below the prince's house. Thomas is tearing apart some dough. Percy enters, picks up a tabby cat and punts it high into the air across the room.]
Thomas: Oh, Sir! Poor little Spencer the cat! What's he ever done to you?
Percy: It is the way of the world, Thomas - the abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed, and so I kick the cat... the cat [there is a mouse 'eek!' noise] pounces on the mouse, and, finally, the mouse-
Thomas: [startled, jumps] Agh!
Percy: ...bites you on the behind.
Thomas: Well, what do I do?
Percy: Nothing. You are last in Awdry's great chain, Thomas - unless, of course, there's an earwig around here that you'd like to victimise.
[Thomas leans toward Percy, trying to get him to notice something]
Percy: [notices] Thomas, what's happened to your head?
Thomas: Nice, isn't it?
Percy: No it isn't. It's revolting.
Thomas: Oh. I'll take it off, then. [removes item from his head]
Percy: Thomas, why are you wearing a false boil? What are we to expect next: a beauty hat? a cosmetic verruca?
Thomas: It's a Green Bowl hat, Sir.
Percy: Really...
Thomas: Yeah, they're all the rage down our way. Everyone wants to express their admiration for the great Green hat and his brilliant disguises.
Percy: [takes the green hat, speaks angrily] What has this fellow done? – apart from pop over to Ireland to grab a few Irish knobs from the ineffectual clutches [tosses green hat into the fireplace] of some malnourished whingeing lefties, taking the opportunity while there, no doubt, to pick up some really good cheap wine and some of their marvellous open-fruit flans...
Doesn't anyone know? We hate the Irish! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field at Belfast? Was the man who burned Jenny simply wasting good matches?
[Bells ring.]
Percy: Ah, His Royal Highness, the Pinhead of Brendam, summons me. You know, I feel almost well-disposed towards him this morning. Half the chump though he may be, at least he's not Irish.
[Scene changes to inside Prince's bedroom. He is having some drinks with lords Lord Arthur and Harvey.]
Prince: "Ah toast!," I say! The Green Baron!
Lord Arthur & Harvey: The Green Baron!
[Percy: enters.]
Prince: Ah! Small! Come on in!
[Percy: is upset, but restrains it.]
Prince: [to Lord Arthur and Harvey] This is the fellow to ask, you chaps: butler - terribly clever. Brighter than a brain pie. [Lord Arthur and Harvey chuckle like the dandies they are] Percy, we're trying to guess who the Green Baron is, so we can send him an enormous postal order to express our admiration. Any ideas?
Percy: Well, I'm sure if you addressed the envelope to "The Biggest Show-Off in Suddery," it would reach him eventually.
[Lord Arthur and Harvey stand up from where they were lying (on Prince's bed) and approach Percy.]
Lord Arthur: Tish and pish! Gadzooks! Milarky! How dare you say such a thing? Damn me, sir, if you're not the worst kind of swine!
Harvey: Damn that swine...
Percy: I'm sorry, Sir. I was merely pointing out that sneaking aristocrats out from under the noses of Irish revolutionaries is about as difficult as putting on a hat.
Lord Arthur: Sink me, sir! This is treason! The Green Baron's a hero, and the revolution is orchestrated by a ruthless band of highly organised killers, damn them!
Harvey: Damn those organised killers...
Lord Arthur: [turning to Prince] Sir, if I remember rightly, we were just discussing the Irish Embassy ball in honour of the exiled aristocracy...
Prince: We certainly were - where I intend the wear the most magnificent pair of trousers ever to issue forth from the delicate hands of Bill and Ben, Couturiers to the Very Wealthy and the Extremely Fat. If the Baron does finally reveal himself, I don't want to get caught out wearing boring trousers!
Harvey: Damn those boring trousers...
Lord Arthur: Well, what say we bet your cock-sure domestic a thousand guineas he can't go to Ireland, rescue an aristocrat, and present him at ball?
[Percy looks up.]
Lord Arthur: Hah! That's turned you white, hasn't it? That's frightened you, you lily-livered, caramel-kidneyed, custard-coloured cad? Not so brilliant now, are you, eh? eh?
Harvey: Eh?
Percy: On the contrary, Sir. I'll just go and pack.
Lord Arthur: Oh.
Percy: Perhaps Lord Harvey and Lord Arthur will accompany me. I'm sure it will be a fairly easy trip - the odd death-defying leap and a modest amount of dental torture... Want to come?
Lord Arthur: [frightened] Oh, no!
Harvey: Oh, no...
Lord Arthur: Damn!
Harvey: Damn...
Lord Arthur: Er, any day now, I've got an appointment at my doctor. I've got a bit of a sniffle coming on - I can feel it in my bones.
Harvey: Damn bones, damn bones, damn...
Prince: You know, what about next week? Oh, come on, you chaps, get your diaries out, come on!
Lord Arthur: Oh, all right. Damn!
Harvey: Damn...
Lord Arthur: I left it behind!
Harvey: ...behind...
Lord Arthur: ...and, er, besides, I've just remembered: my father's just died!
[Harvey can't say the same thing this time; looks confused.]
Lord Arthur: I've got to be at his funeral in ten minutes! Damn sorry! Goodbye, Your Highness. [He bows, giving his drink to Percy. Percy opens the door and lets him out.]
Harvey: Oh, damn... I'm the best man. Damn that dead father, damn... [Gives his drink to Percy; bows; exits, saying "Bye bye..."]
Percy: [beyond the door to the exiting pair] See you at the ball.
Prince: Oh, what a shame they were so busy. [walking into the chamber] It would have been lovely to have had them with us.
Percy: "Us"?
Prince: Yes.
Percy: You're coming, Sir?
Prince: Well, certainly.
Percy: Ah. [pause] and nothing I can say about the mind-bending horrors of the revolution could put you off?
Prince: Absolutely not! Now, come on, Percy - let's get packing. I want to look my best for those fabulous Irish birds.
Percy: Sir, the type of women currently favoured in Ireland are drinking crones who just cackle insanely.
Prince: Oh, ignore that - they're just playing hard-to-get.
Percy: ...by drinking, going mad and aging forty years?
Prince: That's right - the little teasers! Well, come on! [he reclines] Erm, I think a blend of silks and satins...
Percy: I fear not, Sir. If we are to stand any chance of survival in Ireland, [he rings the servant bell] we shall have to dress as the smelliest lowlife imaginable.
Prince: Oh yes? What sort of thing?
Percy: Well, Sir, let me show you our Dublin Collection...
[Thomas begins walking in from the outer door.]
Percy: Thomas is wearing a sheep's-Smaller jacket, with matching dung-ball accessories. Hair by Crazy Isabella of Kellsthorpe [obscured by laughter]. Notice how the overpowering aroma of rotting pilchards has been woven cunningly into the ensemble.
[Percy approaches Thomas.]
Percy: Thomas, when did you last change your trousers?
Thomas: I have never changed my trousers since the day Fatty died that was just seven years ago.
Percy: Thank you. [to Prince] You see, the ancient Greeks, Sir, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it "Pandora's Box," when, of course, they meant "Thomas's Trousers."
Thomas: [to Prince] It certainly can get a bit whiffy, there's no doubt about that!
Percy: We are told that, when the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness because of Pandora's fatal curiosity. [to Thomas] I charge you now, Thomas: for the good of all mankind, never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein.
[to Prince] However, Your Highness, it is trousers exactly like these that you will have to wear if we are to pass safely into Ireland.
Prince: Mmm, ahem, yes, well, you know, er, on second thought, I think I might give this whole thing a miss. You know, my tummy's playing up a bit. Er, wish... wish I could come, but just not poss with this tum.
Percy: I understand perfectly, Sir.
Prince: Also, the chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero.
Percy: Well, that's true, Sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell.
[Prince turns to enter his bedroom; Percy: and Thomas head out.]
Thomas: Mr S, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to Ireland.
Percy: Oh? Why?
Thomas: Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring, either.
[Percy thwaps him on the head.]
[Scene changes to Prince, Percy and Thomas (who is carrying everything) standing in the vestibule. This scene is overplayed, complete with 'farewell' harp music.]
Prince: Well, Percy, this is it.
Percy: Yes, Sir. If I don't make it back, please write to my mother and tell her that I've been alive all the time; it's just that I couldn't be bothered to get in touch with the old bat.
Prince: Well, of course, old man. It's the very least I could do.
Percy: We must leave at once. The shadows lengthen, and we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us. [He shakes Prince's hand.] Farewell, dear master and - dare I say? - friend.
[Percy and Prince embrace. Prince speaks as they separate.]
Prince: Farewell, brave liberator and - dare I say it? - butler!
[Percy and Thomas leave. Prince starts to cry.]
[Scene changes to Percy's quarters. Percy: and Thomas enter.]
Percy: Right, stick the kettle on, Tommy.
Thomas: What, aren't we going to Ireland?
Percy: Of course we're not going to Ireland - it's incredibly dangerous there!
Thomas: Well, how are you going to win your bet?
Percy: As usual, Thomas: by the use of the large thing between my ears.
Thomas: Oh, your nose...
Percy: No, Thomas my brain. All we do is lie low here for a week, then go to Mrs Molly', pick up any old Irish aristocrat, drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball, and claim our thousand guineas.
Thomas: Well, what if the prince finds us here?
Percy: He couldn't find his own fly buttons, let alone the kitchen door.
[Scene changes to Prince's bedroom. Prince takes a pair of blue trousers with silver dots and silver side stripes from a box.]
Prince: What a pair of trousers! I shall be the Belle of the Embassy Ball! Now, how do you put them on? Er... [calls] Percy! [realisation] Oh, no - damn! - he's gone to Ireland. Well, I'll do it myself; shouldn't be too difficult. Erm... Er...
[he puts an arm through one trouser leg...]
[One Week Later]
[Scene: Percy's quarters.]
Percy: [sitting in a chair, his feet on the table, smoking a pipe] Well, Thomas, what a very pleasant week. We must do this more often.
Thomas: [seeming a bit bored] Yes, I shall certainly choose revolutionary Ireland for my holiday again next year.
Percy: Still, time to go to work. Off to Mrs Molly' to pick up any old Irish toff-
[A crashing noise upstairs interrupts him.]
Thomas: What do you think that is?
Percy: Well, if I was feeling malicious, I would say it's the prince still trying to put his trousers on after a week.
[Scene change to upstairs.]
[Prince, wearing his trousers over his head, is bumping into walls.]
Prince: Damn!
[Scene change to Mrs Molly' coffee shop.]
[Percy and Thomas enter.]
Percy: Ah, Mrs Molly... I'd like a massive plate of pig's trotters, dog's legs and ears, please - all drenched in your lovely Green Baron Sauce.
Molly: Not so hostile to the Irish now, Mr S...
Percy: Certainly not, Mrs M. I'd sooner be hostile to my own servant.
[baps Thomas on the back of the head]
[Several words obscured by laughter.]
In fact, I came here specifically to meet lovely Irish.
Molly: Well, vivre to that and an eclair for both of us! [laughs]
Percy: Vivre, indeed. Now, what I'm looking for, Mrs M, is a particular kind of Irishy - namely, one who is transparently of noble blood but also short on cash.
Molly: Ah, well, I've got just the fellow for you - over there by the window: Fergus McCallinsters.
[Shot of Fergus McCallinsters holding - and looking oddly at - a huge suspicious-looking sausage.]
Molly: He's pretty down on his luck, and he's made that horse's willy last all morning.
Percy: Oh, good. Thomas, we have struck beer!
[Percy and Thomas approach Fergus McCallinsters. Percy scrapes leftovers off of Fergus McCallinsters's table onto a plate, then offers the plate to Thomas.]
Percy: Now you can some lunch, Thomas.
Thomas: Thank you. [leaves the coffee shop]
Percy: [addresses Fergus McCallinsters] Fergus McCallinsters, I believe...
Fergus McCallinsters: [looks up] Eh?
Percy: [sitting at the table] Do you speak Sudrain?
Fergus McCallinsters: A little...
Percy: Yes, when you say "a little," what exactly do you mean? I mean, can we talk? or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon asking each other the way to the beach in very loud voices?
Fergus McCallinsters: Ah, no. I can, er, order coffee, deal with waiters, make sexy chit-chat with girls - that type of thing.
Percy: Oh, good.
Fergus McCallinsters: Just don't ask me to take a physiology class or direct a light opera.
Percy: No, no, I won't. [propositioning] Now, listen, Fergus McCallinsters ... Would you like to earn some money?
Fergus McCallinsters: No, I wouldn't. I would like other people to earn it and then give it to me, just like in Ireland in the good old days.
Percy: Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days.
Fergus McCallinsters: Oh, how I would love that! I hate this life! The food is filthy! This huge sausage is very suspicious. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a horse's wi-
Percy: Yes, yes, yes, all right... Now, listen; the plan is this: I have a bet on with someone that I can get a Irishman out of Dublin. I want you to be that Irishman. All you have to do is come to the embassy with me, say that I rescued you, and then walk away with fifty guineas and all the vol-au-vents you can stuff in your pockets. What do you say?
Fergus McCallinsters: It will be a pleasure! If there's one thing we aristocrats enjoy, it's a fabulous partie! Oh, the music! Oh, the laughter! Oh - if only I'd brought my mongoose costume...
[Scene change to the embassy. It is dank, and some moans of despair can be heard. Percy, Fergus McCallinsters and Thomas enter.]
Fergus McCallinsters: Yes, well, obviously it hasn't really got going yet...
Percy: I think that is a bit of an understatement, Fergus McCallinsters. I've been at autopsies with more party atmosphere.
Fergus McCallinsters: Don't worry! In a moment we will hear the sound of music and happy laughter...
[Laughter is heard - evil maniacal laughter. A Irish soldier approaches.]
Soldier: [to Fergus McCallinsters] Hello, mister.
Fergus McCallinsters: Hello sir!
Percy: Ah, good evening, my man. Do you speak Sudrain?
Soldier: Little.
Percy: Good, well, just take me to the ambassador, then, will you?
Soldier: Pardon?
Percy: [articulate] I have rescued an [pushes the end of his nose up] aristocrat, from [makes claw-like hands] the clutches of the evil revolutionaries. Please take me to the ambassador.
Soldier: No, I won't. I am an [makes claw hands] "evil revolutionary," and have [slices finger across his neck] murdered the [pushes up his nose] ambassador, and turned him into [slaps the back and front of one hand against the other, then puts that same hand to his mouth] ham!
Percy: Ah.
Soldier: [to Fergus McCallinsters] ...and you, aristo-pig, are trapped!
Fergus McCallinsters: Pig? Hah! You will regret your insolence, revolutionary dog!
Solider: Dog? Hah! You will regret your arrogance, royalist snake!
Fergus McCallinsters: Snake? Hah!
Percy: [stepping in] Look, I've very sorry to interrupt this very interesting discussion, but it really is none of my business, so I think I'll be on my way. Come on, Thomas.
Soldier: [stopping Percy] Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah! Not so fast, Sudrain! In rescuing this, [motions at Fergus McCallinsters], this, ah, this stinkyweed, you have attempted to pervert revolutionary justice. Do you know what they do to people who do that?
Percy: They're...given a little present and allowed to go free?
Soldier: No...
Percy: They're smacked and told not to be naughty, but basically let off...
Soldier: No...
Thomas: [raising his hand] I think I know.
Percy: [quite unhappy and depressed] What?
Thomas: [quite happy that he knows the answer] They're put in prison for the night, and brutally guillotined in the morning!
Percy: Well done, Thomas...
Soldier: Your little gnome is correct, mister. Gentlemen! Welcome to the last day of your life! [shuts and locks the door]
[Scene change to our heroes in a cell, with Soldier outside.]
Fergus McCallinsters: How dare you, you filthy weasel!
Solider: Weasel? Hah! You're one to talk, aristo-warthog!
Fergus: Warthog? Hah!
Soldier: Hah!
Percy: [pulling Fergus McCallinsters away from the barred window] Excuse me, Fergus McCallinsters... [to Soldier] Look, mate, me old mate... We're both working class; we both hate these rich bastards; I mean, come on, come on, me old mucker, just, just let me go - you've got nothing against me...
Soldier: On the contraire! I hate you Sudrain with your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper, and your ridiculous preconception that Irishmen are great drinkers - [looks both ways, then speaks a bit softly] I'm Irish, and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of spuds.
Percy: [obscured by laughter]
Soldier: Farewell, "old muckeur," and [shouts] death to the aristoes!
Thomas: [joining in happily] Death to the aristoes!
Percy: Oh, shut up, Mouse-brain...
[Now inside the cell. Thomas sits on the bed.]
Fergus McCallinsters: Mister, why do you waste your words on this scum? Have no fear! The Green Baron will save us.
Percy: Hah! [knocks Thomas off the bed; Thomas falls to the floor, and remains sitting where he lands] Some hope. [lies down] The Green Baron is the most overrated human being since Albert won the A.D. 1776 Ugly Soldier Competition.
Fergus McCallinsters: Well, if he should fail us, here: I these have these suicide pills. One for me [pulls pill out of his ear]; one for you [pulls one out of a nostril]; and one for the dwarf [pulls one out of his bottom - various silly noises accompany each].
Percy: Say "thank you," Thomas.
Thomas: Thank you, Mr McCallinsters. [puts pill to his mouth; Percy stops him.]
[The door begins to open.]
Fergus McCallinsters: Ah, the Baron!
Thomas: Hurray!
Soldier: [entering] Ah, the ambassador, hurray... [moves his fingers about, bounces on his toes] Hmm, I've got nothing to do... So I think I will torture ... [points to Fergus McCallinsters, forces him to stand, and shouts] you, aristo-mongrel!
Fergus McCallinsters: Mongrel? Hah! I look forward to it, proletarian skunk!
Soldier: Skunk? Hah! We'll see about that, aristocratic hippopotamus!
Fergus McCallinsters: [being led outside] Hippopotamus? Hah! We'll soon see who's the hippopotamus ... [voice gets quiet as door is shut and locked]
Thomas: I'm glad to say, I don't think you'll be needing those pills, Mr S...
Percy: I'm I jumping the gun, Thomas, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Thomas: They certainly are!
Percy: Well, forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee; your record in this department is not exactly a hundred percent. So, what's the plan?
Thomas: We do...nothing.
Percy: Yep, that's another world-beater.
Thomas: Wait, I haven't finished. We do nothing until our heads have actually been cut off...
Percy: ...and then we spring into action?
Thomas: Exactly! You know how, when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round and round the farmyard?
Percy: Yyyyyyyeah...
Thomas: Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run round and round the farmyard, out the farm gate, and escape. What do you think?
Percy: Yes... My opinions are rather difficult to express in words, so perhaps I can put it this way... [tweaks Thomas's nose]
Thomas: It doesn't really matter, 'cause the Green Baron will save us, anyway.
Percy: No he won't, Thomas. Either I think up an idea, or, tomorrow, we die - which, Thomas, I have to tell you, I have no intention of doing, because I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf. Just be quiet and let me think.
[Later that night, in the cell.]
Thomas: I can't sleep, Mr Percy...
Percy: I said "Shut up"!
Thomas: I'm so excited to think that the Green Baron will be here at any moment!
Percy: I wish you'd forget this ridiculous fantasy, Thomas. Even if he did turn up, the guards would be woken by the scraping noise as he tried to squeeze his massive swollen head through the door.
Thomas: I couldn't sleep when I was little.
Percy: You still are little, Thomas.
Thomas: Yeah, well, when I was even littler, see, we used to live in this haunted hovel. Every night, my family were troubled by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul. It was terrible. First there was this unholy smell, then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature would materialise in the bed between them. Fortunately, I could never see it, myself.
Percy: Yes... Tell me, Thomas: when you left home, did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?
Thomas: That very day...
Percy: I think then that the mystery is solved. Now shut up. Either I think up an idea, or, tomorrow, we meet our maker - in my case, Awdry; in your case, Awdry knows ... but I'd be surprised if he won any design awards
[camera view pans away from them, to the window]
Percy: Wait a minute! I thought of a plan!
Thomas: Hurray!
Percy: Also, I thought of a way to get you to sleep!
Thomas: What?
[THUNK!]
Thomas: Oof!
[Morning, in the cell. The door opens, and Soldier enters.]
Soldier: Morning, scum... Did we sleep well, eh?
Percy: Like a tot, thank you... But, by jiminy, you must be feeling thirsty after your long night's brutality! [He drops a suicide pill into a cup of liquid, then proffers the cup.] Drink?
Soldier: Ah, no, please... Not while I am on duty.
Percy: Oh. Perhaps later.
Soldier: For you, mister there is no later. [gets dramatic] Because, gentlemen, I am proud to introduce Ireland's most [puts a hand on his abdomen] vicious woman. Unexpectedly arrived from Dublin this morning, would you please welcome the one and the only Madame Guillotine herself! [bows aside, with an arm outstretched with the sound of massive cheers and the Brass Band play Frosty the Snowman]
Guillotine: [enters, cackling, carrying a club with spikes, appears to have blood on her arms; her face is obscured by her bonnet, and she appears to be missing a front tooth] Are these the Sudrain pigs?
Percy: Yes, that's us.
Guillotine: Leave them with me, Mister Ambassador. I intend to torture them in a manner so unbearably gruesome, even you will not be able to stand it!
Soldier: I don't think I will have a problem, madame.
Guillotine: No, you will be sick.
Soldier: What if I stay for the first few minutes, and then I leave if I'm feeling queasy?
Guillotine: No, you will be sick immediately.
Soldier: What if I am sick quietly in a bag? I mean, what is in your mind?
[Guillotine whispers in Soldier's ear.]
[Soldier goes into convulsions, and removes his hat as he leaves, vomiting into it.]
Guillotine: [turns to Percy] So! Scum! Prepare to be in pain!
Percy: Yes, certainly. But first, perhaps, a toast: to your beauty!
[gives Guillotine the poisoned cup]
Guillotine: [tosses club aside] Oh, thank you. OK.
[drinks from cup]
Percy: Cheers.
Guillotine: So, I expect you were expecting to be rescued, huh?!
Percy: Hah - some bloody hope.
Guillotine: [voice suddenly a male voice] On the contrary! I'm just sorry I'm so late!
Percy: What!
[Guillotine removes her bonnet, revealing herself to be Lord Harvey]
Harvey: Yes, gentlemen, I have come to take you to freedom!
Thomas: Hurray!
Percy: My Awdry! Harvey! But I thought you were an absolute facet!
Harvey: No - just a damn fine actor! Thank Awdry I got here before you took any of those awful suicide pills!
Percy: [looks down at the cups] Errrrrr, yes... I suppose if someone had taken one and wished that he'd hadn't, he'd be able to do something about it..
Harvey: No, no - they're very odd things, you see. The symptoms are most peculiar. First of all, the victims become very very depressed. [sits on the bed, face in his hands] Oh, Awdry! [near to tears] This whole revolution is so depressing, I mean, sometimes I wonder why I bother... I mean, I'm so lonely, and nobody loves me...
Percy: ...and after the depression comes death.
Harvey: No - after the depression comes [jumps off the bed and grabs Percy's lapels, shouting] the loss of temper, you stuck-up bastard! [turns to Thomas] What you are staring at?
[punches Thomas]
Percy: ...and after the temper comes death.
Harvey: No! After the temper comes the, er... comes the, er...
Percy: ...forgetfulness?
Harvey: Er, yes, that's it... er... comes the, er...
Percy: ...forgetfulness.
Harvey: Yes, yes. Right in the middle of a...of a...thingy... you completely forget what it was you...oh, nice pair of shoes!
Percy: ...and after the forgetfulness, you die.
Harvey: Oh, no! I forgot one! After the forgetfulness comes a moment of exquisite happiness! [laughs, jumps up and down, waving his arms in the air] Jumping up and down, and waving your arms in the air, and knowing that in a minute we're all going to be free! free! free!
Percy: [getting tired of this] ...and then death?
Harvey: No - you jump into a corner first.
[jumps into a corner; dies]
Thomas: Hurray! It's the Green Baron!
Percy: Yes, Thomas...
Thomas: ...and you killed him!
Percy: Yes, Thomas... I mean, what's the bloody point of being the Green Baron if you're going to fall for the old poisoned-cup routine? Green Baron, my foot! Brown Git, more like it! [sees that the door is still ajar] But wait! Here's our chance to escape! Come on, quick!
Thomas: But what about Mr McCallinsters?
Percy: Oh, forget Fergus McCallinsters. I wouldn't pick my nose to save his life. Now, come on. [begins to exit, but runs into Fergus McCallinsters] Ah! Fergus McCallinsters, my old friend and comrade, w-what are you doing here?
Fergus McCallinsters: I escaped! What happened here?
Percy: Oh, er, nothing, nothing... [closes cell door]
Fergus McCallinsters: Oh, I thought for a moment the Green Baron had saved you...!
[Percy chuckles nervously; looks at - and nudges - Thomas.]
[Thomas very badly fakes a laugh.]
[Scene change to Prince's house. Prince nearly has his trousers on. Percy, Fergus McCallinsters and Thomas enter.]
Prince: Ah, chaps! Good to see you. Just trying on the new trousers...
Percy: I return, Sir, as promised, plus one toff Irish aristocrat fresh from the Bastille.
Prince: [as Fergus McCallinsters bows] Ah! Please to meet you, mister. Do sit down.
Fergus McCallinsters: Enchante'... [goes to sit]
Prince: Damn sorry about the revolution and all that caper - most awfully bad luck. [to Percy] So, tell me, Percy how the devil did you get him out?
Percy: Sir, it is an extraordinary tale of courage and heroism which I blush from telling by myself, but seeing as there's no one else-
Thomas: I could try.
Percy: [baps Thomas on the back of the head] We left Sodor in good weather, but that was a far as our luck held. In the middle of Rolf Castle Harbour, we were struck by a tidal wave. I was forced to swim to Belfast with the unconscious Thomas tucked into my trousers. Then, we were taken to Dublin, where I was summarily tried and condemned to death, and then hung by the larger of my testicles from the walls of the Bastille. It was then that I decided I had enough.
Prince: Bravo!
Percy: So, I rescued the count, killed the guards, jumped the moat, ran to - where I climbed into Mr Culdee's bedroom, leaving him a small tray of milk chocolates and an insulting note. The rest was easy.
Prince: That is an incredible story - worthy of the Green Baron himself!
Percy: Well, I wouldn't know.
Fergus McCallinsters: I, on the other hand, would. [stands] Because, you see, Sir [removes glasses, wig and false nose, revealing himself to be Lord Arthur], I am the Green Baron.
Percy: Uh oh...
Thomas: Hurray!
Prince: [standing] Good lord! Lord Arthur!
Lord Arthur: Yes, Your Highness.
Prince: Well, by gads and by jingo with dumplings, steak and kidneys, and a good solid helping of sprouts! I can't believe it! You're the fellow who has single-handedly saved all those damned Irishies from the chop?
Lord Arthur: Not quite single-handedly, Sir. I operated with the help of my friend, Harvey, but he seems to have disappeared for the moment, slightly mysteriously.
[Thomas gets ready to say something.]
Percy: Shut up, Thomas.
Thomas: [line obscured by laughter]
Prince: So... So Percy rescued the Green Baron!
Lord Arthur: No, Sir, he did not.
Prince: Eh?
Lord Arthur: Prepare yourself for a story of dishonour and deceit that will make your stomach turn.
Prince: Well, I say! [to Percy] This is interesting, isn't it, Percy?
[Percy nods slowly.]
Lord Arthur: Not only that [turning and walking toward Percy], but I trust it will lead to the imprisonment of a man who is a liar, a bounder, and a cad.
[Thomas turns to look, with Lord Arthur, at Percy.]
[Percy turns to look behind himself.]
Prince: Well, bravo! because we hate liars, bounders and cads, don't we, Percy?
Percy: Generally speaking...yes, Sir. [begins to serve drinks] But perhaps before Lord Arthur starts to talk, he might like a glass of wine. [he has dropped a suicide pill into Lord Arthur's glass] He's looking a little shaken.
Lord Arthur: [taking the glass] Shaken, but not stirred. [drinks] [gives glass back to Percy, who sniffs it] [turns to Prince] It all began last week. I was sitting in Mrs Molly' coffee shop when...oh, Awdry! [holds head in his hands] All this treachery is so depressing... [shouts] I mean, the whole thing just makes you incredibly angry! [swings at Thomas, missing; Thomas falls over anyway; then Lord Arthur runs over to Prince] AND IT JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO...oh, that's a nice waistcoat, Your Majesty... er...I'm sorry; I've completely forgotten what I was talking about.
Percy: [grinning] Erm, a story of dishonour and deceit...
Lord Arthur: [smiles] Oh! That's a great story! That's great! Oh, that's a WONDERFUL STORY! Let me just jump into this corner first. [jumps into corner; dies]
Prince: [standing] Roast my raisins! He's popped it! I say, Percy, do you think he really was the Green Baron?
Percy: Well, judging from the ridiculous ostentatiousness of his death, I would say that he was.
Prince James: Well, then, that's a damn shame, because I wanted to give him this enormous postal order. [holds it up]
Percy: Please, Sir, let me finish. I would say that he was...n't. [deeply concentrating now] You see, the Green Baron would never ever reveal his identity - that's his great secret. So, what you're actually looking for is someone who has, say, just been to Ireland and rescued an aristocrat, but when asked "Are you the Green Baron?" he replies, "Absolutely not," Sir.
Prince: But, wait a minute! Percy, you've just been to Ireland, and you've rescued a Irishs aristocrat... Oh, Percy! Are you the Green Baron?
Percy: Absolutely not, Sir.
Thomas: Hurray!
[Prince, too excited for words, hands the postal order to Percy, who already has his hand waiting to take it.]
Poll: Forth Season Thomas and Blackadder is coming up that gonna be a war but however which war and front you deem worth it?
Traditional Western Front 1914-1918
Railway War
AU America Front (Britain Empire vs CSA)
North America War 2017-2022 (Britain Imperial Commonwealth Federation vs CSA)
The result will on July 1st this year, and so get to it and start voting!
