My first class this morning is math. Oh crap. I've got a test today. I tried to study for it, but I can't keep my mind focus on anything else that Ian when I'm home. Usually math are something I love. But, in front of the test, I don't understand anything. Even things that I do knows. I think about A-'s text, Aria, Ian, yesterday's night, other nights, A- again, and when the time is over, I realize that all I wrote is my name, the date, and some scribbles all over the paper. Oh fuck. Oh. Fuck. I'm the last one to give my copy back. I run away from the class, full of anxiety, and almost crying.

I have to go home. I can't go home, I can't skip class, it's not me. I have to act like myself. God it's hard … I want to sleep. I have to take some rest. If I don't I'm gonna pass out. Burnout can happen to everyone. It means nothing. I can go to the infirmary, and ask the nurse if I can sleep in a bedcamp for one hour or two. God, I need to sleep. I must sleep.

As I walk to the hallway, aimless, I feel someone grab my arm fiercely. I scream as I turn down, convinced that it's Ian who wants to "talk" to me, once again. Instead, I see the anxious face of Aria, starring at me with concerned eyes.

"Spence, I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you, I'm so sorry ! Are you all right ? Did I hurt you ?"

I can't stop myself laughing. Seriously, her, hurting me ? Oh the irony …

"No, I'm fine, don't worry. Shouldn't you be in class ? We've got English for two hours before lunch right ?"

"Yes. WE have, you said it. Both of us. Why aren't you in class? You've never skip class since I know you … Are you sure you're not sick or anything ? You're pale as a vampire, and you seems to be exhausted"

God, those eyes. I could drown myself in them. But focus, Spence. Lying to Aria is way more difficult than lying to your parents, you have to be persuasive. Come on. You can do it.

"Um, I, uh, yeah, maybe, I don't know honestly, I I I just don't feel well, I think I should go home and take some rest, I barely slept last night because of, you know, my math exam, and, uh, no, don't worry ! I'm good. I just need some sleep."

Great Spence. Now she's gonna be really, really upset. Why can't I find the right thing to say ? If I say I want to see the nurse she's gonna be worry. Nurse if for sick people. I'm not sick. I'm never sick during school. This is Hanna's specialty, not mine. Is she believes me ? I think. She seems less worried than before. Good point, Spence. You deserve an Oscar for that. But Aria can be a good actress too. Stay focus. She's the one you have to protect, not the contrary.

"Okay. I'm gonna drive you home and make sure you're gonna stay in your bed all day."

"Oh come on, you don't have to do this, I-"

"I want to. I want to make sure you'll gonna sleep like a baby all day long. Besides, it's been a while since we didn't share some time together… I miss you Hastings."

She whisper in my ear, with a big smile on his face. She take my hands, and start to caress my palms with his fingers. I know what this means. Since she's with Ezra, -ie one year, maybe more, I don't really want to know - I let her do the first step, when she want to share some – how can I call this … - special time with me. Usually I'm always agree. We make out one night, and the morning after we're best friends as usual.

But the last time was the day Ian caught me. This day he kissed me, few days after he started to touching me, and after … I don't know. I don't want to remember this. Thanks God Aria didn't notice him this day. She have to think that everything's normal. But I can't kiss her, touch her, not now, not with Ian's face in my mind. I can't mix Aria with him. She can't kiss me, not after him. No way.

"I'm, you know, like, tired … All I need is, uh, sleep. You don't want to watch me sleeping, I'm exhausted, I just -"

"Come on, Spencer. I drive, you take some rest." She seems disappointed. Of course. But I can't say yes like that, even if I want to.

"What about school ? I mean, we're gonna miss all day, they're gonna call our parents …"

"Honestly ? When I see you in zombie mode, I don't care about school, parents, or whatever. All I see is you, not going well. I want you to be OK, understand ?"

What can I say ? At least she's just thinking that I'm not feeling well today. Thanks A-. As usual this bitch is ruining my life. Without this damn text, Aria would be in class, starring with devotion at Mr Fitz, and she wouldn't noticed my absence before the end of the class. I have one monster at home, for god's sake ! I don't need two of them ruining my life. I can barely handle Ian, and I've never been able to get A- away from me before. All I can do is trying to save my friends from this mess. Especially the one who's looking at me right now. And the best way to keep her safe is, for now, to give up.

"Okay. Let's go. I'll call school and my parents before going to take a nap. They'll understand"

"Yes, whatever. Get in the car, right now !"

I smile when I walk to his car. She always loved to be the dominant one in our relationship. Obviously she's relieved by my surrender. Good. Maybe there is couple of things I can do the right way after all. And at home I'm gonna fall asleep instantly, and she's gonna let me sleep all the time I need. And after one hour watching me sleep she will get bored, and she's gonna go back in school, right in the arms of Mr Fitz. Everything's gonna be well. Let's go.

And, later, here I am, in my bed, and mainly, in Aria's arms. If feels so good. For the first time since a while I feel relaxed. Now I lay me down to sleep, with a big secret to keep, and should I die before I wake, I pray Aria my soul to take. I fall asleep with the sound of his heart beating in my ear and his fingers caressing my hairs gently.

When I wake up, I feel the touch of a body against mine, and this is not good. I move away from it quickly, before realize it's Aria. Of course. Apparently she moves during my sleep : now I'm under a white blanket, with her, his arm circling me in a sweet hug. Wait, she's still here ?

"Hey, how do you feel ?"

"Hum, better I think. What, what time is it ? Did I mess all my school day ?"

"Well, it's 2:00pm. Obviously you needed some rest. I'm glad you feel better ! Your mom called, I answered, hope you don't mind. She told that if you feel better tonight she wants you to come to a family dinner. Oh, and Ian called too. He hopes you feel better too. He said that you must be ready. And he is glad that I took care of you this morning. Your step brother can be really weird sometimes. But I guess this was nice of him ..."

"Whu, what ? Did he said that to you ? But, oh, why ? I can't believe that he ..."

Then I realize. Oh. Field hockey practice, later in the afternoon. Of course. Very funny Ian. His sense of humor is killing me. Private jokes. He did this sometimes when we are with my family. Nobody's understand, he's happy to scare me. And it works. Right now I start to panic. Breathe, Spence, breathe. There's no way for Aria to understand this mess. Fortunately for her.

"Hey, relax ! If you don't want to go, don't go, it's easy. You should stay here, and take some rest … I'm sorry Spence, I have to go now, my Mom called, she want me to go home asap … I told her that I would expect you to be awake. Is that okay for you ?"

"Yeah of course, that was so nice of you to waste your time watching me sleep … Thank you Aria. I feel way better now."

"It was a pleasure … you're very beautiful when you're sleeping Spence. You look … peaceful. Anyway. Don't listen to Ian. Skip the practice and take some rest !"

A soft kiss, maybe longer than necessary, and very, very close of my lips, and suddently she's gone. Wow. That was inexpected but very nice.

I have to go to the practice, then ? If I don't go, what does he gonna do ? The less I obey during day, the worst it is during night. For me who like algebra, it's a very simple theorem. I have to go there. He likes to take control of myself. During the practice and during the night.

"Faster, Spence. Come on, grab this stick Spence, and for once use it in the right way. Run, Spencer, it's good for your cardio. Oh come on Spence, you're not that exhausted. Go on. Let me show you how to hit this ball correctly."

Then his hands, on my waist first, then on my hands, and his mouth in my neck, whispering words that I barely listen, because I'm too scared ; I start to shake, and he can feel it, oh god, I know he can feel it, and it makes him more and more aroused as the day pass. The practice days are always the worst nights. When my passivity is not enough, when I have to do him some perv stuff. Those nights, when he's done I can barely move. Shame. Pain.

I don't want to go there. I have to. Sounds like my life is a perpetual resumption right ? School, practice, night. When I'm lucky, sleep. And once again. School, practice, night. Sleep. School, afternoon without practice, where all I can do is wait, because I'm too obsessed by the night. Night. Insomnia. School. And once again. And once again. There's no end to this. If I talk, my friends will get hurt. If I don't talk I'll get crazy. If he dies my sister lost his husband, my nephew lost his father, and my family will be sad. If I die … Maybe it's the best solution after all. No. Don't think about this. You're not a Hastings for nothing. You have to handle this. You can do it, Spence, you can do it.

Later this evening. Finally I went to the practice. I shouldn't have. Some of my teammates asked me why I wear a jogging pant instead of the team uniform. And why a sweat shirt, by this beautiful time. Honestly I didn't know what to say. Told them it was because of sunburns. I'm not sure they believed me. And I don't care. Whatever.

I have to eat with the whole family now. Ian included. Him this morning at breakfast, him this afternoon at practice, him later in my room, and now him tonight at dinner ? It's too much. I can't do it. I can't sit down at the table, speak to him naturally, knowing what's gonna happens later. I'm still bleeding from yesterday's night for god's sake. I … I need a break.

As I prepare myself for diner, despite everything, I hear my phone ringing on my bed. Aria wants to know how I feel maybe ? I take my phone with a little smile.

But it's not Aria. Not at all.

"Tired Spence ? I wonder why. So as Aria now. You should do something about this. Or I'll do it for you. And trust me, you don't want that. Have a good night ! A-"