Chapter Three
Shelby was helping the girls pick dandelions out of Quinn's yard to weave into tairas. She plucked a white dandelion and blew the seeds across the lawn.
"Mommy what did you wish for?" Rachel asked giggling.
"Its a secret," Shelby said. "If I told you it wouldn't come true."
Quinn plucked a seed filled dandelion from the grass and made eye contact with Rachel as she scattered the seeds with her breath. "Rachel guess my wish, that way I won't have told you and it will still come true."
"Um..." Rachel said looking up at the sky in thought. "Did you wish for a pony?"
"No silly," Quinn giggled.
"Did you wish to be a famous dancer?"
"That's going to happen either way." Quinn said smartly. "Let me give you a clue," she said inching closer to Rachel, "it has to do with you." Quinn danced her fingers along Rachel's arm and Rachel laughed and shivered at the odd tingling feeling they left on her skin.
"You wished that we'd be together forever!"
"Yay! You got it!" Quinn clapped her hands.
"Okay angels, watch out for the tickle monster," Shelby said, pulling one girl under each arm and tickling their sides. The girls laughed and shrieked trying to get away.
Rachel gasping for air said, "Mommy, your not the tickle monster, your the tickle dragon and me and Quinn are nights."
"Alright mighty nights, watch out for the big scary dragon, Roar!"
The girls rolled on the ground squealing and kicking their legs. So caught up in their fun, no one noticed Mrs. Fabray's car pull into the driveway. Mrs. Fabray stopped on her way to the stairs and looked down at the tangle of bodies on the ground disdainfully. "Thank you Shelby for watching them while I went to the grocery store."
"It was no problem," Shelby said straightening up and pulling a lock of hair out of her mouth. "Well, I have my next shift soon so Rachel and I better be going."
Mrs. Fabray nodded.
"Mommy?" Rachel asked Shelby when they were in the car, "why isn't Mrs. Fabray fun like you?"
Shelby scoffed into her hand in amusement, smiling to herself at her adorable daughter. "Well, some adults are more adult-like than others, they like to be very serious, even around kids." She explained patiently.
Rachel was being very good and quiet all throughout Shelby's shift. At the end of it Shelby bought her a caramel chocolate bar. As she was walking towards Rachel to give it too her, Rachel lifted the paper she had been drawing on too show Shelby.
"Look mommy its you!" Rachel said. "I made it for you."
"Thank you so much Rachel," Shelby said giving her a little hug. "Its beautiful."
"Because your beautiful mommy,"
Shelby squeezed her a little tighter. "I got something for you too," she said releasing her. She handed Rachel the candy bar. "That's for being a good girl while mommy was working."
"Yay, its caramel!"
"What do you say?"
"Thank you mommy!" Rachel hugged Shelby, and as she clutched her daughter she felt a wave of disgust roll through her. What was she doing pretending to be a good mother? Handing out candy bars as if they were hundred dollar bills, or dance lessons. Her parents had ignored her as much as they could while feeling morally okay with themselves, but at least they had given her both. Shelby gave herself a little shake. It must be the heat getting to her. This store must have been the only 711 in existence without air conditioning, and the fan had broke today. Shelby always valued emotions over possessions, that's why she had kept Rachel in the first place. When she had made the decision of putting her daughter over Broadway it had changed her in so many other little ways as well. And who cared if Rachel was overly thankful for a candy bar, she was still a kick-ass mom.
As Shelby walked Rachel to the car she made eye contact with a man. He wore old clothes and hunched over as he walked, but was extremely cute in a gruff way, and young. His hair was clean contrasting with his clothes, and only a light amount of stubble covered his chin. "Hey good-lookin," he said casually when he noticed her staring.
Shelby blinked and continued walking.
"Mommy?" Rachel asked as Shelby helped her fasten her seatbelt over her used but expensive car seat. "Who was that man?"
"No one sweetie," Shelby said, effectively brushing off the strangers compliment.
She saw him in the shop again the next day. He bought a bag of hot cheetos and plunked down a twenty. When Shelby started to hand back some of the money, he said "keep the change" and turned to leave.
"W-wait" Shelby called feeling guilty about the money. He turned back and the sharp look in his eyes told her not to argue. "What's your name?" She said instead.
He gave a small smile which looked more like a smirk. "Daniel."
"I'm Shelby, and thank you."
"Shelby," he said testing the name, "your very welcome indeed."
Daniel started hanging around the 711 a lot, standing outside the store smoking. During one of Shelby's breaks Rachel watched Shelby go outside, grab his cigarette and take a drag, smiling at him like Quinn had smiled at her while she blew the dandelion seeds. Daniel snatched the cigarette back and gave Shelby one of her own. And so Shelby gradually started smoking again, with Daniel on her breaks.
Rachel complained to Quinn how her mommy never talked to her on breaks anymore because she was too busy smoking with Daniel.
"I think cigarettes are gross," Quinn said royally putting a subtle emphasis on the word 'I'. "They make your teeth turn black and fall out." Quinn gave a large smile displaying her gleaming white teeth. "Mommy taught me to brush three times a day, but then mommy's a snob."
Rachel giggled.
Rachel began examining Shelby's teeth closely when she smiled. After Shelby brushed Rachel's teeth, Rachel would ask "mommy you brushed your teeth didn't you?"
"Of course I did. What. Does my breath smell bad?" She blew on Rachel's face and Rachel giggled. It didn't smell bad. It smelled like leaves and peppermint.
Shelby started going out late at night, and leaving Rachel at Quinn's. This continued for three weeks until Shelby came home one night with smeared mascara and tears in her eyes ("Mommy whats wrong?" Rachel had said running to throw her arms around her and comfort her, "nothing sweetie just a hard date I mean day") and Rachel didn't see Daniel at the 711 again.
But Shelby still smoked on breaks.
Rachel came outside one day after working really hard on a drawing of a dandelion and finally perfecting it, only to be neglected attention from Shelby who walked outside as soon as break started without looking back.
"Look mommy look!" Rachel said jumping up and down and waving the paper as close to Shelby's face as she could reach.
"Not now Rachel," Shelby said batting the paper away. She was still fighting a headache. But she batted to hard and accidentally hit Rachel who started crying immediately.
"Oh my gosh Rachel! I'm so sorry!" Shelby dropped her cigarette and bent to examine Rachel. She had to pry Rachel's hands away from her face, and the hurt and betrayal in Rachel's large eyes stung her. It was just a cut lip. Shelby wrapped her arms underneath Rachel's shoulders and Rachel tugged against her. "I'm so sorry Rachel," she murmured, "please forgive me." Rachel sobbed harder but this time allowed Shelby to lift her into her arms, it might have been because she was too weak from crying to stand.
Shelby noticed a spark on the tip of the cigarette she had dropped and stamped it out.
Shelby hugged Rachel to her shoulder and rocked her back and forth. "I'm so sorry Rachel," she said over and over again, rubbing circles on her back "I'm going to make it up to you, I'm going to make everything up too you, I promise."
Rachel clung to her neck and buried her face in her shoulder. Shelby could feel that the stream of tears was ebbing and Rachel slowly stopped shaking, but she held onto her mother even tighter. Shelby finished up her last shift of the day holding Rachel, even though customers stared and her arms and hips were getting sore. When work was over and Shelby put Rachel in her carseat, Rachel was fast asleep, that satisfied grin on her face that made Shelby's sore muscles worth it.
Shelby meant to quit smoking but her aching brain wouldn't allow it. To make herself feel better about it, she got up early to smoke while Rachel was asleep, or stayed up late to smoke after Rachel had already gone to bed, but no longer smoked on her work break. It was taking a tole on her money supply though. The dinner checks that she had split the cost with, with Daniel had already eaten into her savings. Money was so tight that making Rachel skip breakfast and dinner and splitting a can of beans with her in the middle of the day became a regular occurrence. She sent her over to Quinn's as much as she could just so that she could get enough to eat.
Damn Daniel.
But Daniel hadn't attracted her to the cigarette, the cigarette had attracted her to him. Apparently rehab wasn't a lifelong cure.
Rachel's clothes were falling apart as well.
"Mommy my pants ripped," Rachel told her mom while she was working. "Look." Rachel turned around to show her the rip down the back of them that went all the way to the crotch.
"Go sit down honey, and try to keep your legs closed so no one else sees, I'll buy you new ones when I'm done working." Shelby looked down at the cash register, she had no money to take Rachel shopping with. Impulsively, when she gave the next customer change she slid one of the bills into her pocket. She did this every few customers, until she had enough to buy Rachel a new pair of jeans. Rachel twirled around in them happily in the Goodwill dressing room, always so enthusiastic. Swallowing her pride Shelby went by the food bank and got them registered, and was able to bring home a reasonable meal for a five-year-old of macaroni and cheese. They would make it.
Shelby began routinely stealing money from customers; a few dollars here and there a week, but it was enough to start buying new clothes and other things a young girl needed, like lollipops. Shelby felt silly for buying one for Rachel at the checkout line. She was actually pretty sure that second hand stores charged more for them, but she wanted Rachel to experience the normal joys of childhood, like sugar.
Shelby limited herself to one cigarette a day. Every time she saw Rachel smile she reminded herself that this was so much more important than her aches from withdrawal. If Rachel was particularly happy Shelby would even managed to go a whole day without smoking.
What Shelby didn't count on was getting sick. It started out as a simple cold that made her miss three precious days of work when it turned into a fever. Shelby lay on the coach as Rachel pressed cold washcloths to her forehead. "Its going to be okay mommy," Rachel said confidently, "your going to get better soon."
Shelby smiled weakly at her strength. Rachel was so much like her.
Her fever broke and Shelby went back to work. But she was fired.
"You can't miss three days and not so much as call," The manager said. He looked deep into her eyes, "I'm sorry."
Rachel had been sitting in her chair while this exchange took place and heard her mother cussing out the manager all the way from the back room before she burst into the main part of the shop. When she made eye contact with Rachel she stopped yelling. A tear track was on each cheek.
"Come on Rachel were leaving," Shelby said picking her up. She carried Rachel out of the shop but stumbled along the way to the car, nearly falling and landing on top of Rachel but she managed to catch herself. Rachel watched tears slide down her mother's face as she drove home.
At the house, Shelby collapsed on the coach and closed her eyes, tears still streaming out of them. Rachel left without asking, running for Quinn's house. Shelby didn't even look up as the door slammed. She clutched her stomach in pain and moaned.
When Mrs. Fabray answered the door Rachel almost hugged her on accident expecting it to be Quinn who answered the door and so wanting to fling herself into Quinn's arms. Rachel ducked past the shocked Mrs. Fabray without being invited in and ran into Quinn's arms. The impact of Rachel's hug knocked the wind out of her. Quinn slowly put her arms around her and rubbed her back. She looked up at her mother in horror who gave Quinn a small nod.
Rachel didn't notice Mrs. Fabray leaving the house and crossing the street.
Quinn dragged Rachel into the kitchen where she sat her down on a chair. She went to the living room where her dad was watching tv completely unbothered by the events unfolding around him, and ripped a blanket off one of the couches he wasn't using. She brought the pink fuzzy blanket back to Rachel and wrapped her in it, then padded to the microwave to make some hot chocolate.
When it was done she set the mug in front of Rachel. "Drink it." She commanded and waited for Rachel to take a sip. Quinn watched her drink without drinking any hot chocolate of her own. Rachel needed both hands to hold the mug because she was so shaky. When she was done and set the mug down, Quinn reached out across the table and took her hand. The warmth from Quinn's hand traveled through Rachel's body, like a rainbow of colors was spreading through her insides.
They held hands for hours in silence, sending squeezes back and forth across the table, until Shelby knocked on the door to get Rachel.
"Mommy." Rachel sighed. She smiled through her tears when she saw Shelby.
Mrs. Fabray stood behind Shelby, she gave Shelby's forearm a squeeze, then entered her house and closed the door.
Rachel sensed that something was wrong. Shelby was looking down at her but not making eye contact with her, instead she was staring at her forehead. She wasn't smiling like she was happy to see her either, her expression was very serious. "Come along Rachel," she said extending her hand.
When Rachel took it, it felt stiff and unfamiliar.
Rachel walked down the dark steps like she had so many times before, and crossed the dark street. Shelby didn't lead her home. Instead she veered to the side.
Usually Rachel would have asked, 'why are we going to the car mommy?" But this last desperate plea remained unvoiced in her head.
Shelby opened the back door to the car just long enough for Rachel to see that her carseat was gone before slamming it again quickly. Rachel let out a soundless gasp and left her mouth hanging open. Shelby took her to the passenger seat and strapped her in without looking at her, closing the buckle as impersonally as if she were sealing the envelope on a late rent bill.
As they drove Rachel watched the streetlights send yellow light over her mother's large blank eyes. Shelby's expression didn't change the entire ride. Rachel kept her eyes on it, her frozen face like a wax doll in a horror movie, too terrible to look away from. It was a longer ride than Rachel had ever road with her mother.
They stopped in a cold dark parking lot where yellow light glinted off of the wet pavement. Rachel passed a thick blank sign on her way up the walk. It had words, but it was too dark too see them but light wouldn't have changed anything, Rachel had never learned to read.
Inside the building there was a tall desk. The woman holding Rachel's hand spoke in a strange stiff voice to the women behind the counter. A softer smaller hand grabbed Rachel's left one, and Shelby let go of Rachel's right hand. Rachel was passed from large stiff hand to small gentle one. But this was not an accurate metaphor to describe the treatment she received from the second one compared to the first one.
Nine Years Later
Rachel felt ridiculous for being nervous about her first day of high school. After attending seven different elementary schools, and four different middle schools, she was used to first days, but somehow they were worse every time. But she wasn't in foster care anymore. Rachel had at long last been adopted by a widow named LeRoy who's former husband Hiram had died in a car crash while driving himself and LeRoy to the adoption agency.
LeRoy was an alcoholic as a result, and had started drinking again after Rachel had lived with him for enough months for the social worker to be off of his back, which was only about two. Teens were so hard to get adopted that the social workers seemed to look the other way when the people who adopted them didn't entirely meet the requirements.
Rachel didn't mind that LeRoy drank, it meant that while he was passed out on the coach she could listen to the new ipod he bought her in peace in her room without being interrupted by his awkward attempts to bond. Rachel wasn't bonding with anyone. But she wanted to stay here, it was easy here, so she needed to stay out of just enough trouble so that LeRoy wouldn't kick her out. Which is why she was nervous about school. If she got bullied too much she would smoke too much. She went into rehab before being adopted by LeRoy, he wouldn't adopt her until at least that problem was sorted out (the hypocrite) but rehab, as Rachel was quickly finding out, was not a lifelong solution.
So Rachel slipped some emergency cigarettes into her bra, zipped her new gray hoodie, caked on her new black eyeshadow, and snagged the lighter out of the kitchen drawer and put it carefully into her backpack. The last thing she needed was her backpack to catch fire.
She wore all new clothes and make-up, but she looked just like she did when she was a foster kid. 'Good' she thought.
The hallways of Mckinley high were larger than middle school hallways, but that was about the only difference. Rachel walked with her hood over her head and eyes cast to the floor, clutching her books tightly to her chest.
She sat quietly through her classes, but she wasn't stupid, at least, not stupid for a girl who had been forced to change schools so many times. She had actually managed to pass middle school, a feet she was secretly proud of. But she never raised her hand in class, she only spoke when she was called on. She particularly hated the first day of classes where you had to introduce yourself to the class and answer some stupid question about yourself like what was your favorite kind of bunny (a himalayan devil she had told the class, the ones with the red eyes).
At lunch Rachel was relieved to find that the library was open. In some middle schools she actually had to go to the Cafeteria first before getting a pass to allow her to use the library. Apparently high school was more friendly to loners, where no library pass was required to be allowed entry. There wasn't any homework from her classes yet, except for the 'getting to know you' surveys that Rachel wasn't going to fill out. She didn't have a polite way to 'describe her family' and she had no memory of ever having a 'favorite color'. So Rachel found an empty armchair as fair away from the librarian as possible and opened a random book and stared at it without reading much. It was about plants, the particular page she had flipped to was about fungi.
It wasn't until Rachel was on her way to sixth period that she was broken out of her depressed-in-school-trance by a flicker of hair and a distantly familiar voice. It took her a moment to realize why she had stopped in the hallway and was staring at the back of a passing blonde girl. Then she heard her voice.
"You have to break up with him Santana, middle school's over and he was a loser even then..."
Rachel would have recognized that voice even without the word 'Santana'.
Quinn Fabray went to William Mckinley High School too.
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