"Lily!" A voice called from outside.
I felt my eyes widen.
"It's James…" I whispered, staring at Severus' enigmatic expression.
We were still lying on the floor, in the darkness as the fire had gone out; the street lights from outside cast strange shapes about the walls. Anxiety tightened my chest - what could James want? What would he do? Should I open the door, or ignore him (he'd leave eventually, right)? Wasn't it a bit of a coincidence he should come tonight of all nights? Severus seemed to absorb all my emotions in a single, cool glance…
He smiled.
It was a testament to Severus' complete unpredictability that I did not even consider him acting as he did next; after a pause, in which he seemed to examine every feature of my face (his eyes trailing from my eyes, to my cheek, to my mouth) he grabbed my shoulders and began kissing me so hotly it hurt.
I brought my hands to his bare chest and attempted futilely to push him away – he would not relent! His fingers tightened painfully around my arms…
I felt ashamed; the part of me that wanted him to stop seemed inextricably linked with the pleasure that burned my lips - my mind was on fire, aware of every point of contact - his legs rendered my own immobile, even his hands branding my arms harshly…never had pain and pleasure seemed so confused to me. I realised that from an outsiders perspective this could be considered an abuse – thankfully, no one could see the inner workings of my mind. Excitement filled me at the thought that James (who had never even dared take my hand without politely, distantly asking my permission) stood only a few metres away as Severus kissed (what a paltry word to describe this force!) me until I couldn't breathe.
He wrapped me closer, pressing me against his hard, thin body, crushing me into him. His lips were hard, soft, all at once, insistent…again, the pain just made me want him more…dizzyingly wanting, fervently kissing him back and struggling for breath, I grazed his back with my fingernails, holding him tightly, madly, wanting it never to end…
Suddenly he let go, shoved me away almost as cruelly as he had crushed me.
"You better open the door," He said after catching his breath.
"W-what?"
"LILY! I know you're in there! Open the door!" Bang, bang, bang.
I stared at Severus in the darkness, struggling with all the conflicting emotions that seemed to come with being with him.
"Open the door…unless you're ashamed, of course," He said, staring up at the ceiling. I pressed my lips together. The back of his hand rested on his forehead and he stared upwards, as if completely unaware of his surrounds.
"You know that's not the reason," I whispered. He turned to look at me with expressionless eyes.
"LILY!" Bang, bang, bang.
I attempted to quickly smooth my hair and clothes, tripping over the sheets gracelessly as I made my way to the front door. As I left the living room I turned to glance at Severus – he lay quite still, staring at the ceiling absently. I wondered whether he'd make a scene…whether James and he would fight it out.
My heart beat uncomfortably fast as I placed my hand on the door handle. I breathed in deeply and opened it.
"Lily! My God, what the hell took you so long? I thought there was something up…" James stepped forward, looking travel-worn, unsmiling.
"Why? How did you even know I was in…?" I blinked and then asked the most burning question, "What are you doing here?" James ignored the incivility.
"Can I come in?" He said. "We have so much to talk about…" He attempted to sidle by me.
"Hang on," I put my hand on his chest, stopping him. I tired not to let my panic show, "Um…really, what are you doing here?"
For a vague moment he seemed rather uncomfortable. He tried to smile.
"Well…now, you must promise to not get upset, Lily, but…um…"
"What?"
"Well, first, are you alone?" Could he see my blush? My lips were surely reddened, bruised…surely, my supposed crime was written all over my face: guilty…
"That's really none of your concern…"
"Lily."
"James." A staring match. He won. I sighed, "No, I'm not."
"Right, exactly – and this person…is it…a…man?"
"What are you getting at, James?" He suddenly seemed angered. He firmly pushed me aside and walked into the sitting room; it seemed incredible that we had once snogged in that very room, sharing silly platitudes of teenage infatuation in whispers, jumping apart whenever my mother or father 'accidently' walked in.
I sighed, waiting for his discovery of my new lover…I felt a blush steal over me. That's what he was, wasn't it…? My lover. Not my boyfriend, or partner or anything so defined…he wanted to court me. I cherished that thought desperately, waiting for all hell to break loose.
To my surprise no noises came from the sitting room. I shot after James and found him standing by the settee looking rather sheepish – alone.
Gone were the sheets, the bedraggled clothes, the CD player and massage oil…and Severus. I tried hard to hide my surprise.
"You said you weren't alone?" I opened my mouth to reply, but…
"She's not." We both looked at the kitchen doorway simultaneously. Severus, fully dressed and smiling smugly, held two steaming mugs. James' wand out was so fast I blinked and it was pointing, sparking slightly, betraying his emotional state.
I looked at Severus and James, the two opposite men that had been involved in my life; a cathartic moment allowed me to think it was strange that such opposites, such polar opposites could excite similar feelings…but they weren't similar feelings. I could see, so clearly, then, with a stunned James and a composed Severus before me. How could such meaningless lust, from this pandering arrogant puppy, equate to the soft, keen yearning and passion I felt with this dark interloper, here…?
In a completely relaxed manner he approached me and handed me the mug – tea.
"Lily…Snape…" James was clearly stunned. I noted the look of satisfaction on Severus' face. James blinked at the composed man before him, who took a sip out of his own tea and nodded, an evil smile breaking through the composure.
"Potter. To what do we owe this pleasure?" He sat on the sofa and looked inquiringly at him – I suddenly understood. James, seeing all this, would assume we had never really lost contact and had been together much longer than only the four hours of our reunion. James lowered his wand.
And was I annoyed? I must admit the deception part I wasn't too keen on, but I couldn't help but admire Severus' nerve…which is why, rather bemusedly, I sat next to him and allowed him to stretch his arm over my shoulders as he lay his right ankle on his left knee and took a sip of his tea, attempting to hide his devious grin.
"Lily…I…he…" James stood, opened mouthed.
"By the way, should you or I tell Lily," He glanced at me, "how you knew I was here?" James blushed deeply, shutting his mouth. "I mean, I presume that's why you're here…to save my – I mean – to save Lily from my clutches."
"Lily – you…and…him?" James looked at me, still in shock, but the beginning of anger burning his ears bright red. I breathed in deeply, feeling indignation prick my soul. I frowned, slowly, firmly, sitting deeper in the sofa, curling against Severus, who brought his arm around my shoulder tighter. "You and Severus Snape?"
"Your point being…?" I asked softly, irritated by his incredulity.
"Bloody hell…bloody hell…" He swiped a hand over his face, "And I…I came here to save you…and you're…you…you're fraternising with him…willingly!" He began pacing before us. Severus took another sip from his mug, quite clearly amused.
"Sev, how did he know you were here?" I asked quietly, turning to watch him. He looked at me, then back at James – his hand absently played with a curl of my hair.
"Detectors. The second I entered the house dear, concerned Potter would have been alerted of my deadly presence…but, tell me, why didn't you apparate straight away? You were much longer than I expected." He directed this question to James, who was pacing about, glaring every now and then at us with flashing eyes.
"What do you care? I got held up…I wish I never came! For God's sake…and you!" He pointed at me vehemently, "YOU! Didn't you promise to wait!? After a few months you said – you needed a break!" He laughed coldly. "Some break!" I ignored him, knowing he was being unreasonable – after all, he was the one who had wanted the 'break' long before me. Instead I turned to Severus, annoyed.
"Detectors? But…" I pushed Severus' arm away, "You knew I was being…monitored and did nothing about it?" Incensed, I rose and, again, watched these two people, who were both staring at me with very different expressions. "I'm not some game," I glanced at Severus, "Or a piece of property," I looked at James, "Both of you…get out."
I was satisfied with Severus' face; all smugness erased, all colour drained. James stood very still and then, quite suddenly he lunged at me.
I wasn't at all scared; something about this act of violence seemed funny to me. His hand was around my throat but I couldn't help but laugh – it was all so ridiculous, so melodramatic.
But Severus…his face, a flash of fury and rage – that scared me. My eyes widened as I saw his wand.
"NO! Please, Sev, no..!" But it was too late. A flash of red light and James was on the floor.
"He wasn't hurting me!" I felt the need to say as Severus approached him, his wand still out. I held him back with one hand, rubbing my throat with the other.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't finish him off right now," He said quietly breathing deeply. "One good reason why I shouldn't kill this…scum."
"Because...because I will never see you again if you do." He didn't move, his expression hidden to me behind his hair.
"You told me to leave anyway," He said, still monotone.
"I – I was angry. Lets just let him go so we can be – alone, okay?" I said, too frightened to make a more convincing argument. From his voice, and just his voice, I could tell he was very serious about murdering this irritating but innocent man. It was a chilling moment…I had always been aware of Severus' power; he was often quite vindictive, even to me, yet sometimes something much steelier, sharper and shocking broke through that vague air of cynicism. He could kill. I was aware of this.
He said nothing, turning away towards the window. His wand was still in hand.
"Thank you," I said quietly. But I also had a power…he would listen to me. I breathed in deeply, relieved.
Gently I leant next to James and took my wand out (always tucked in my sock, just in case); I took James' wand, which was still griped loosely in his hand. I broke the house rule and used magic to un-stupify James, who blinked blearily. His eyes widened and shot a look at Severus. He looked about for his wand.
"Go, now." I told him softly; I held his wand out.
"I can't…" He stared at me, attempting a look of depth I guess, "I can't leave you alone with him. He's mad. He's dangerous. He's evil." He got up unsteadily. I handed him his wand.
"I…I know," I closed my eyes, trying to think, "But…I love him." I glanced at Severus and saw his back stiffen. "Mad, dangerous, maybe, but not evil…I trust him completely."
"You're making a big mistake," He said. I suddenly felt very tired.
"Just go, James…"
"No, listen," He looked at me, in earnest, suddenly grabbing my arms, "This is a mistake. He's evil – he has connections with the Death Eaters and you…We belong together. Surely you see that?" His hazel eyes had never been so dull, so devoid of feeling and colour.
And James…are you so good? What is pure goodness, pure evil? Could such a battle commence when the definitions are such a shade of grey? I wanted to say something profound like that, but articulacy was never my strong point. I just slowly, gently, pried his hands off my arms with my fingers and walked over to Severus. He did not turn to look at me.
"You're choosing him…over me?" James' voice was both incredulous and enraged.
"Yes…I'm making the right choice this time." My back was to James, but I could feel his hatred, his rage from where I stood. To my surprise I heard his footsteps towards the door.
"I don't know how you can stand it, Snape," he said suddenly, "being with a woman who loved me first, who will always love me, cherish me as her first. You're just the rebound…and tell me, what will you do when she comes running back to me the second you return to your leader?"
I tensed, waiting for Severus to retaliate, but he didn't even move or say a thing; he continued staring out of the window as if nothing was being said.
"Lily, one last chance," James said viciously. "Come with you – I will forgive you. Just come now and we can…we can talk. Start again." I closed me eyes. I did not move.
"Wait until Dumbledore finds out!" He let a frustrated cry and I heard him storm out, slamming the door behind him.
After a moment he turned to face me, his face blank, his eyes flat. I stepped forward to wrap my arms around him. To my relief he held me, tightly. I hid my face in his chest and breathed in.
"Did you mean what you said…?" He whispered.
"Which bit?"
"That you…loved me?" I felt a blush steal over me.
"Is that…okay?" Another long pause.
"Hmmm…I'll have to see," He said, with a smile in his voice.
"You pick really awful times to joke, you know?" My voice was muffled in his shirt.
"Well,
you pick really awful boyfriends."
"You're right. I win."
He chuckled, his chest shaking a little. "Sev…"
"Hm?"
"Who is your 'leader'?" He said nothing for a moment.
"You
are my leader, my angel, the love of my life…if you ordered me off
a cliff I'd go, if only you'd come with me…"
"Oh, be
serious," I shoved him a little, but was careful for him not to let
go. I felt safe in his arms, especially after having James so near,
so suddenly. As if sensing this he held a little tighter.
"I suppose he meant Voldemort…" He said thoughtfully. I waited for more, but he was silent.
"And is he…? Your leader, I mean?" A hesitant pause.
"I have had contact with him," still that thoughtful voice, "But he is not my 'leader'…" His tone of voice seemed to suggest something else, something hidden. "I have no obligations to him."
"Oh…"
I closed my eyes. I wanted to forget, to escape…I didn't need to
think about Severus's capacity to kill, or Voldemort, or what
Dumbledore would think or conspiracy or James…I just wanted to be
held, to feel his strong arms protectively tightening, to feel loved,
cared for…
"And…Potter…"
"What about him?"
"Do you still – feel - something for him?"
"Yes. I've always felt he could be an idiot and now I know it for a fact," I said dully, snuggling deeper in his chest.
"Be serious, Lily," He said sternly.
"I am being serious!"
"Look…if something happened…if something went wrong…would you run back to him? Would you go back to him?" The pain in his voice struck me.
"Nothing will happen – nothing will go wrong," I said quietly, drawing myself away from him only to take his face in my hands. His eyes had never looked so vulnerable, so filled with pain and depth. I kissed him softly, softly, our eyes still open, staring…
It was the most intimate feeling I had ever experienced. To kiss with eyes open wide, was quite the closest you'd ever get to anyone…I knew he felt it to.
I let go first and wrapped my arms around him once more, missing the protected feeling it gave to be held so closely.
I can't tell you how long we stood like this, in the darkness, holding each other. He lowered his head to rest on mine and whispered soft things…gentle things, words which seemed right to say just at that moment. I smiled. Seeing James so suddenly like that had really effected me in some untold way, in an unexpected way…it was just what I needed, this intimacy. Because a part of me knew James would somehow come back – that somehow such happiness couldn't last. And so I listened to his voice, drank his scent, held him so tightly, for so long, my arms ached…
"Lily, we should go."
"Go? Where?" I sighed, "Why…?"
"This place is filled with detectors and it wouldn't surprise me if there were some spying equipment lurking somewhere…" We didn't move.
"How did you know about all that?"
"A few simple spells before I entered. I assumed you knew about them, because I wasn't aware you were no longer…you weren't…you know, with him anymore. I thought you wanted to be looked at and monitored…"
"Because that's every girls dream." He ignored me
"…The events after I had entered…" I remembered his kisses and blushed, "made me quite forget." He said this last bit a little too innocently.
"Liar. You wanted him to come and find you."
"Lily, dear, can we argue later," He drew away gently; I saw his mouth twitching. I pouted.
"Fine."
"So, can I take you anywhere? Petunia isn't coming back is she…? And your mother and father?" He glanced at the mantelpiece clock; it was one in the morning. Him talking about my parents and sister brought a little normalcy to the situation. I smiled, thinking how bizarre the events had been…a dream, really.
Suddenly he smiled and swooped down to kiss me, softly.
"You're mine," He said, and that smile, the possessiveness even, made my heart ache. "I can take you anywhere…and you'd come willingly. You have no idea how wonderful that is to feel." He took my hand, "Close your eyes."
Crack – a tugging feeling at my navel…
I opened my eyes, my hand still in his, and looked around…
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A/N: I'm surprised no one notices (which I've just noticed) how I see Severus as a kind of modern-day Mr Rochester (of Jane Eyre)…I guess I just see the Byronic element to them both. On another note, why is no one reviewing? *pouts* If it wasn't for the one, lovely reviewer of the last chapter I wouldn't have bothered to post this…please review so I know that someone is actually reading this!
