Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
AN: Thank you all for the kind reviews so far - it really does help to make me write faster :) Apologies for any mistakes you find!
"Tom…" Janeway put steel in her voice hoping it would carry the level of warning she wanted him to hear.
"I know, I swear - it won't get out of control," he pleaded. She slowed her step as they rounded a corner while they both made their way to the Bridge for duty. Tom had been begging her since they had arrived in the Alpha Quadrant to allow them to open several holodecks for a celebration but she had refused - they had a lot of work to do, reports to prepare for the briefings that would come, systems to check, data to compile, and the last thing they needed was strain from the holodeck causing issues with connected systems, and a hungover, partied-out crew patching it up.
"I've enlisted Harry, Seven and B'Elanna to help assign and monitor resources and power and even Chakotay said he would be able to make a roster so that everyone, including the captain would have time to visit."
Kathryn stopped and regarded him coolly, her hands on her hips. "Even the Captain you say?"
"Yes, Ma'am," he said this so eagerly at her change in tone that he forgot for a split second that she hated to be called that.
"Well, then, I guess we could manage to squeeze a small party in," she drawled, beginning to walk again with a huge crooked smile aimed ahead. Tom slowed a little so she wouldn't see him punch the air in triumph behind her.
"It's gonna be great," he assured her and they both glanced backwards upon hearing a chuckle.
"I hear you have a new roster to master, Commander," she said to Chakotay as he caught up with them before they entered the turbo lift and Tom ordered it to the Bridge.
"Already done, Captain," he told her with a rueful grin and her eyebrows shot up in question. "I knew you couldn't resist a party."
"Mhmm," she murmured sending him a mock glare. Paris wondered if they had forgotten he was there as he leaned back against the turbolift wall behind them.
"If you have any recommendations to add on the rotation of crew members perhaps I could tempt you with a home cooked dinner tonight in my quarters?" Chakotay asked, gleeful from the repertoire. Paris however, noticed Janeway's spine straighten suddenly. She hadn't expected that invitation - neither had Tom given the dinner plans B'Elanna had told him Chakotay had been engaged in just last night. And she certainly hadn't expected the flirty way he had delivered the invitation either. A charged second passed and when she didn't respond immediately Tom saw Chakotay steal a nervous glance at her. In the close proximity she noticed and bounced into action.
"I would love to, Chakotay, but I have other plans tonight."
Burn, was what entered Tom Paris's brain as the turbo lift took that moment to stop and expel them onto the Bridge. One step out, Janeway threw a look over her shoulder and crisply said, "Rain-check?"
Tom wasn't quite sure what had transpired, but suddenly the prospect of a rain-check on dinner seemed to hit Chakotay as if she had just personally slapped him in the face. He didn't even get to answer before she strode off aiming for her seat, leaving him stunned and still inside the turbolift in her wake. Tom noticed the stricken look on his commander's face and was reminded of a similar pained expression that had been etched onto Chakotay's face and mood for days several years ago. When Tom pressed him about it, Chakotay had told him a half-secret. A secret he knew too much about but couldn't speak of, not even to his wife while she begged him to allow her to talk to Chakotay about the captain's current personal turmoil - to agree it was the right thing to do. He thought back to their conversation and hoped B'Elanna had kept her word.
"I think he's the only one who can fix this," B'Elanna countered.
Tom was nodding when he said, "Tell me you won't say anything to him." B'Elanna frowned at him.
"But…"
"B'Elanna!"
"Fine," she grumbled, turning away from his grasp in protest. He followed her and his arms sought her shoulders. He knew she felt helpless and he had seen how the captain's pain bothered her so, but this was not her battle and if she tried to make it hers, she could very well end up making it much, much worse.
What he didn't say, because it was only a theory from old secrets he kept for Chakotay's sake, was that given the nature of the turmoil he witnessed from the captain, it was highly likely that Chakotay was the last person she would want to talk to about this. In fact, Tom would hedge bets that Chakotay was the reason for it. But he couldn't tell B'Elanna that without disclosing why, and in doing so, enlightening her to a personal secret of Chakotay's that even Chakotay wasn't aware Tom knew such detail of. He would also betray a confidence Chakotay had put in him.
A few years back Chakotay had been acting weird, wound as tight as a warp coil and Tom had confronted him on it - offering a friendly ear for his woman troubles. For Tom had no doubt it was a woman that was causing the thorn in his first officer's side - he had experienced it too many times himself not to recognise it. Chakotay had been reluctant at first, but obviously needing someone to bounce his problem off, he spilled - without naming his female troublemaker, of course. He had asked for advice about dating a member of the crew that he had feelings for and was agonising over whether or not it was a good idea because he was concerned ship's duties would get in the way of their relationship and vice-versa. Tom had advised he go for it and offered him his holodeck privileges that night to make his move. Later that evening, he had happened upon Chakotay ushering Janeway into the holodeck ahead of him.
Back in the present Tom took a deep breath, laid a hand on Chakotay's shoulder, gave it a quick sympathetic squeeze and walked past his first officer - hoping he would follow soon before the captain realised just how she well had shocked him. And while Tom couldn't say why, he felt a mild satisfactory sense of retribution for the captain's sake.
Kathryn sighed and pressed her fingers to her temple as she heard the door chime. She had just managed to settle herself down with a cup of coffee in her Ready Room alone and it had gone off before she even got the cup to her mouth. This was the third cup that had been interrupted today. Its two predecessors ending up in the recycler because they had gone untouched and cold.
The first cup had been a casualty of the Doctor. He had called her to Sickbay to review some things he was concerned about in advance of a debriefing on Earth. She hadn't been in Sickbay long before she realised it was a lot more to do about what would happen to him than concern for some of the things that had transpired over the years. She had managed to assure him she would stand by him and never back down should Starfleet even hint at heading anywhere questionable with regards to his future as an individual. It had taken almost two hours but she left him feeling certain and confident that if she was on his side, he would be ok. She dared not voice her own concerns, but she definitely had them. She was in no way willing to ever let them do anything untoward against anyone on her crew, but she was also not under any illusion that it would be an easy road.
Then Seven had come. And Kathryn had wanted to leave her presence immediately. Now when she looked at the beautiful young ex Borg she saw everything that she could have wanted: youth, beauty, intrigue, intellect and a bright future… with the man she loved. More devastatingly, not just everything she had ever wanted, but exactly what Kathryn would now never have. It made her heart bleed pain and the sensation savaged through her like an unrelenting wind that chilled her mercilessly every time she laid eyes on Seven. But, Seven needed her and Kathryn would always be there - no matter what. It wasn't Seven's fault, it wasn't even his fault. In fact, Kathryn had no one but herself to blame, and that almost made the emotion darker.
So she had helped Seven through a similar process to what she had gone through with the Doctor. Seven was somehow easier to convince that everything would be ok, but she needed cold hard facts, and gentle touches on the wings of whispered promises. If Kathryn was honest, she could tell the woman wasn't one hundred percent convinced either, but that hadn't been her goal - Seven would never be convinced until the fact presented itself, but she trusted Kathryn's advice for a truth she was willing to hope for and it was enough.
And now she had been looking forward to forgetting the pain that accompanied Seven's presence, and loosing herself in a hot coffee while she tried to throw her mind into something, anything but how utterly miserable she felt.
As the chime sounded again, she grudgingly accepted that at least the coffee might have to wait a little longer as she set it down and called, "Come."
When her visitor walked inside, she realised that misery was here to stay for a while.
"Commander," she greeted him and he smiled.
"The consolidated report on ships systems," he said by way of explanation as he approached her desk and held out a PADD for her. She reached for it and scanned the first few pages, not really caring to delve into it right now.
"Any issues?"
He shook his head. "Everything is running perfectly. There was a slight misalignment with the plasma injectors but B'Elanna has it under control."
She quirked an eyebrow at him, setting down the PADD and lifting her coffee. "I thought I told B'Elanna to take it easy, and take some time off."
"She's going stir crazy, she's tired, and she's anxious." He explained, amused. She returned the smile, knowing how the concoction of those things alone would mix in the half Klingon woman.
"I see." She nodded and top a sip of the coffee.
"On top of that -" he began a little more serious.
"On top of that," she held a finger up to stop him, "she has her father in law chomping at the bit, chasing us in a Starfleet vessel bound for a home she is not sure will provide her respite or penance." Kathryn interrupted him, staring beyond him and feeling a similar sense of worry.
Chakotay only nodded solemnly in agreement.
"I wish I knew the answer." She stood with her coffee and moved away from him, towards the viewport and up a few steps to rest beside her coffee table. He turned to follow her and somewhere in the back of her mind she felt her heart grow heavier with each step he took closer. "I tried to weasel something out of Owen. Given the unique situation his son, now daughter in law, and granddaughter are in but he is being evasive." She edged her head slightly over her left shoulder to catch him in her peripheral vision, and took another sip and a fortified breath before turning towards him. "I imagine many on the crew are feeling similar."
"A lot," he agreed. "It's at times like these I really wish we had a counsellor on board."
"Mmm," she said, glancing away again.
"A lot of people have approached me for council." He said it with such uncertainty that it made her consider him carefully for the first time in days. He looked troubled, sad, and weary.
"Chakotay," she breathed, full of concern and suddenly guilty that her own pain had caused her to remain blind to what he was going through. She turned fully, quickly and in one swift motion she set her coffee cup down, and was standing in front of him, her hand grazing his arm in a gesture of comfort.
"What is it?" she asked in a rushed whisper.
He seemed shocked to see her advance on him so quickly and had avoided her penetrating gaze by examining the hand she had laid on him. She absently realised it had been a long time since she had physically touched him like that, and something in his eyes told her he was thinking the same thing. She flinched at that and her hand jumped away as if the thought had burned her.
"I -" the awkward way he started to speak told her he had also noticed the abrupt withdrawal of the comfort that she had just assaulted him with and she berated herself for allowing her emotions to be so transparent, and worse, allowing them to control her. She was usually schooled in this, and it was unsettling to think that there was something… someone who could, with the right words, actions, feelings, completely undo all of her emotional fortification.
He cleared his throat, seeming to have found something to say and delivered, "I'm fine." And she frowned. Her hand, which was now frantically looking for something to busy itself with in the absence of his arm and her coffee, scratched at her neck as she recognised he was lying. He rarely lied to her. She wasn't even sure he ever had. And certainly not when he was bothered by something. He was always open and honest with her even when she didn't want to hear it. It was one of the things that made her trust in him unflinching. And yet here he was, a breath away, lying to her.
She wasn't angry. She was unsettled. This was alien territory - him lying, her giving comfort. And so she took a deep breath, resisting the urge to close her eyes as she did, and she replaced her fidgeting hand on his arm, tighter this time, and said, "No. No, you're not."
He blinked furiously at her. Obviously he had not been expecting her to argue with him. He probably had expected a curt nod, a return to her stargazing coffee break and a dismissal. Which was about as much as she had been giving him regarding personal time these last few months, even more so after she had found out about Seven a few days ago. So she couldn't really say she was surprised by his reaction, saddened by it but not surprised. Something in her wanted that to stop - right now. She wanted him to be able to confide in her, she wanted to be able to comfort him and pushing him away when he needed her was certainly not the way to achieve that. He had broken her heart, but she would not break their friendship. It was all she had left. It would be excruciating for a while, but hopefully, with time, her heart would heal and she would still have her best friend.
"Sit," she said, but it was more of an order than a request and she tugged on his arm a little to direct him towards her couch. He nodded as he moved with her and the tightness in her chest eased a little as they sat.
Once seated, he stared at his hands, clasped in his lap and when he didn't speak immediately, she scooted closer to him on the couch and replaced the physical comfort of earlier with a hand to his knee.
"Talk to me." This time a soft request and he looked at her.
"Everyone is afraid of what will happen when when get home," he began and she nodded. "They are looking to me for reassurance and answers and…" he shook his head. "And I am lying to them."
Kathryn blinked at that but said nothing, wondering when Chakotay had become so friendly with deception.
"I am giving them reassurance and telling them not to worry, that everything will be fine-" He stopped suddenly and tore his eyes away from hers and glanced down to his hands throwing a furtive flick of his eyes to her hand as well. "But the truth is… I'm terrified."
Kathryn felt her heart constrict in her chest, and fire burn in her throat. She wasn't sure she had seen Chakotay this emotionally conflicted and lost since… well, ever. She slid her hand off his knee and enveloped his clasped hands with it. She was about to tell him that she was scared as well when he began again. "I shouldn't be telling them that everything will be fine, when I'm not sure. When I actually have those same questions."
"Chakotay," she whispered caressing his hands with her fingers. "Everything will be fine," she said firmly. "I promise." She was delighted to hear the conviction in her voice and even more so when a smile grew on his face and he tore his gaze from their hands back to her face.
"When you say it like that, it makes me believe it," he said in response, and she blushed a little with a small smile. "But you don't know that either."
"I will not let anyone harm my crew." she retorted, mildly burned that he didn't have faith in her.
He was shaking his head as he replied, "I know that - neither will I," he agreed and looked directly into her eyes. She saw herself in them and a thought flashed brightly in her mind.
"You're thinking of taking the heat aren't you?" she asked accusingly, suddenly understanding. His mouth hung open in response, clearly he had not thought she would figure that out so quickly, if at all.
"Captain…" His voice sounded like a warning and she shot away from him, furious. Spinning around and pointing a finger at him she barked, "Don't." Now she waved the finger accusingly in the air. "Don't you lie to me. And certainly not about pulling something like this!"
"Well… this is different," he said, looking morbidly amused by something and it really seemed to piss her off.
"What?" she demanded.
"You. Trying to talk me out of self-sacrifice," he explained and appeared now to be genuinely shocked by the revelation. "That's usually my job."
"And falling on the sword, mine?" she quipped, still angry and indignant. He smiled at something again and she was momentarily glad she had nothing in her hand to throw. That primal urge was fast becoming a habit that she should never get used to.
"I won't let you take the fall for my crimes, Kathryn," he said and grew solemn again. She was so displaced by his use of her name that she faltered in the argument that would have followed. She wondered when it had started to sound strange that he would call her Kathryn. It made her ache to think on it, to realise she hadn't even noticed he had stopped.
In the moments of silence that followed her pensive sojourn she was abruptly aware of two things: one, that she had taught him a very bad habit, and two, that this was not just about protecting the crew - it was about protecting her. He had used her name because it was personal, and she had been jolted by it because nothing between them had been personal for a long time, something she hadn't really noticed. So adept was she at deflecting him now, that it had become a part of her daily routine — involuntary.
She swallowed slowly, taking a moment for herself as the realisation that he still cared a great deal for her came crashing back. She had pushed that part of knowledge deep down inside of her over the past few days - it was so much easier to deal with him not loving her if she thought that he didn't care at all. It was delightfully easier to hate him if she thought he felt nothing for her. But he had undone all of that without even trying, without even knowing she wanted to hate him. She had convinced herself that he had pushed her away, cut her out of his life, out of his heart because it made it all simpler to accept. But the truth of it was, she was pushing him away. Again. He was merely moving on with his life but he fully intended to take their relationship along for the ride. Our friendship, she amended internally.
"I won't," she said quickly wanting to banish his pain and her newly formed habit all at once. Chakotay looked up to her with a frown. She shook her head to clear the confusion that the silence had afforded and reminded herself that he could not hear her thoughts. "I won't fall on any sword, Chakotay," she said softly, but firmly as she made her way back to where he was sitting. "I promise." As she said it something flickered in his eyes. Something hard.
"Don't make promises you won't keep, Kathryn," he warned her strongly.
Kathryn licked her lips, wanting to argue immediately and counter his harsh accusation, but the fact remained, if it came down to it, they both knew that if she could sacrifice herself to save her crew, she wouldn't think twice about it. And a phantom promise to Chakotay born by wishes of comfort wouldn't factor into it.
"Ok," she acquiesced. "You're right. Maybe I would." He seemed intent on examining her as she spoke and it made her feel uncomfortable so she instantly turned and paced as she spoke. "But I am also the reason we are in this position in the first place-"
"Kathryn-" he interrupted but she ignored and continued.
"-So it is my responsibility to take the blame - don't you see that?"
"I do." He surprised her with his answer and it silenced her as he got up and walked to where she was now rooted, rapt for what he would say next. "Just as you must see that I feel responsible for the Maquis, and any decision that might befall them for the actions we took as the crew I captained."
"We are one crew now, and I'm the Captain," she tilted her chin upwards and spoke evenly. He nodded.
"And you are ready to accept responsibility for the actions taken while captaining this crew." She didn't respond, didn't need to. "But some of the actions that will be called into court will not be that which took place while on Voyager." She tightened her jaw, seeing where he was going and frantically wracking her brain for an argument and, ironically, wondering how he would diffuse this argument if it was reversed.
"So you must understand that I have to do the same." He was standing right in front of her now, pleading with his eyes for a flicker of recognition to his plight. "I need to," he reaffirmed, as if he could sense the argument coming.
I understand, her mind whispered. "You don't need to do anything alone, Chakotay," she breathed, sensing his thirst to bear this responsibility himself. He smiled sadly at her and she assumed the irony was not lost on him either. "I, better than anyone, understand. But I won't let you do this- if it comes to it."
"And I won't let you," he retorted defiantly.
She confused him by grinning and nodding. "Ok. Nobody falls on a sword." Her hand was at his arm again, squeezing and soon followed by the other until she was almost embracing him. "How about we both just work our asses off to make sure nobody falls on anything sharp?" Chakotay blinked slowly at her, his eyes unreadable while the hands that were gripping his arms began to caress him. "And whatever happens, we'll face it together," she paused and considered something, then whispered, "we've always fared better together." His lips parted for a second as if he would say something and then suddenly she found herself being pulled into a crushing hug.
She was so unprepared for it that she didn't react for a moment but quickly, too quickly, she would think later, she got lost in his smell, in his touch, in the strength that he radiated and she enveloped his body with as much of hers as she could. She was strangely embarrassed to enjoy that he seemed to need her, he needed to hold her, he had needed to talk to her. And she realised that was why he had come earlier, perhaps he was reticent to say it out loud, but even though he had tried to hide his pain, some small part of him needed her to see it, needed her to soothe him and now he seemed to be embracing that need physically.
She felt a deep breath being released from his body, felt the hotness and dampness of it on her neck, where his face was buried. She felt the tension leave his limbs and her stomach tingled at the sensation. A sigh passed her lips before she could stop it, and she dug her fingers deeper into his back wanting so badly to allow them to roam up his shoulders, whisper along his neck and…
"Kathryn…"
Her eyes flew open. The way he said her name brought her abruptly back into the room. Or rather, how she had heard him say her name. With desire. Clearly that wasn't how he had spoken but her brain was mixing things up and allowing her to hear what she wanted to hear. She needed distance, her emotions had been raging since she had heard about him and Seven and while she had acknowledge it, she was now allowing it to culminate into a fantasy that would destroy them both. She drew on the same strength she had four years ago to untangle herself from him.
I can't do this…
This time the separation was less intense and less intimate, and she wasn't as shocked by his physical closeness, so she pushed him away with a little more finesse. So much so, that it seemed almost natural. A faint whisper in her head wondered, how can I continue our friendship if I can't stop blurring the lines? and she swiftly tucked it away as quietly and as quickly as it had spoken.
"Kathryn," he said sheepishly, his head bowed but glancing briefly at her face. "I-"
"Bridge to Captain Janeway." Tom Paris's voice echoed in the room, cutting Chakotay off. Kathryn nodded at Chakotay in response.
"Janeway here," she responded.
"Captain, there is an incoming transmission for you." Tom paused a beat then said, "It's encoded."
"Thank you, Tom." Chakotay pulled a tight smile at her - that was his cue to leave. "I'll take it here in just a few moments."
"Yes, Captain."
Chakotay was already moving to leave as she made her way for the console on her desk to receive the message. She wondered if he was feeling the same awkwardness as her. She almost felt like they had been caught kissing by her mother or something akin to it. Ridiculous, but that was the feeling that curled inside her.
Just as she rounded the desk, crouching to sit, her peripheral vision caught Chakotay's bulky form stop and turn abruptly.
"Kathryn?"
She froze in her descent into the chair at the timid tone in his voice. Literally froze. Her knees bent, bottom sticking out, hands gripping the edge of the desk for support as she waited with baited breath for what he would say. She could only stare in response.
He started to say something but she saw the decision change in his eyes and instead said, "Thank you." She wasn't sure how relieved she was about what he had decided not to say, especially given the ghost of it that still shadowed his expression, but she was certain that she was curious about it. She wanted to ask him, but knew she shouldn't - wouldn't. So hoping he knew that he never needed to thank her for being a friend she nodded again and offered a soft, "Anytime," as she managed to ungracefully flop her body the rest of the way into the seat. She averted her eyes, hoping he hadn't noticed. When she heard the doors hiss shut she looked up to see she was alone again.
Before activating the message she let a long, shaky breath pass her lips then she squared her shoulders, clenched her teeth and steeled her mind for whatever Admiral Paris was about to bring to her list of worries.
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