Act 3: Vous etes mal, Raté!
Enter Hong Kong Connie, Ching Chong, and Principal Raté.
Hong Kong Connie: Whewe is my daughtew?! This is vely bad fow business! Vely bad. like evelything else I do in the business wold!
Principal Raté: I don't know what you're talking about, madam.
Hong Kong Connie: Don't play stupid with me! I know it must have been you! You and yow dru -
Principal Raté: Verbally assaulting me is a public offense, now, miss. Good day to you.
Enter Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
Yuri: Da-ski. Is this woman giving you trouble, Leni - I mean Principal? Ski.
Principal Raté: Yes. Take her away.
Hong Kong Connie: You can't take me to Colowed Detention! I adultewlate fow cash because my husband's still in China. I mean because I'm a glown woman!
Principal Raté: Oh, yes I can. It's all here in the new law. If you don't like it. I could arrange for you to be, oh let's say. DEPORTED BACK TO CHINA!
Hong Kong Connie: Yow insane, Laté!
Principal Raté: Not insane. just Racist! (sings) R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! You really don't what I'm about? It's really, really, simple, there's no need to shout, Just listen up really good and. R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! (Puts on a small mustache, marches, nazi salute [same as in first song]) Deutschland! Deutschland! Uber alles! Uber alles in der welt! (Takes off hat and stops marching and saluting) OY OY OY! CHING CHANG CHONG! OY OY OY! BLING BLANG BLONG! R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! There really isn't must I like talking about. You see, I am a meager member a school system. R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! It's a hell of a way!
I think that sums up our appointment, Ms. Connie. Hope you like my facilities. Bye, bye.
Hong Kong Connie: You haven't heard the last of HONG KONG CONNIEEEE (struggles) EEEE! VELLY BAD FOW BUSINESS!!.
Principal Raté: Good, good. Now where's Ms. Morris?
Exit Hong Kong Connie and the Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
Act 3 scene 2 (Darken a bit. Tune stolen from "Mary Poppins")
Enter Autistic Kid's Bike Gang, Hashish, Rigger, Ching-Chong and the bystanders.
Pablo: Dios Mio! They put us in this jail because someone was mixed! I'm looking at you, hombre (Frandango!) Speak, speak! Quite dumb?
Flandango: (snoring)
Pablo: Okay. We have to find a way to get out of here!
José: How about we dig a tunnel using weed? Come on? That would be cool.
Pablo: No! We made one last year. You just ended up smoking it. Remember?
José: Uh. No. Gotta sleep now! (snoring)
Pablo: As I was saying, anyone with a normal idea?
Rumando: Do drugs or go to sleep? Oh yeah, or be a drain on society?
Pablo: No. Anyone else?
Rigger: Son! That Raté gave me one look and put me here. Yo, dawg, that ain't getto. Yo! Represent!
Hashish: Be quiet, Rigger. Hashish has a good idea. Bomb him! Bomb him all! I am Hashish.
Pablo: That's a great idea, but we hate you somehow. Next.
Ching-Chong: I know! Let's steal all the sweet 'n' sour pork from the cafeteria. It'll be very bad for business. Then we could do math problems and work on model train sets. And then, when we really -
Pablo: I keep telling you. You can't join the Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang!
Ching-Chong: But I was wasn't. Nevermind.
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: I have a bettew idea. Fight Laté's only weakness.
All: What's that?
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Haven't you noticed how he likes to distance himself flom othew laces?
Pablo: Laces?
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Yes! Laces! Yow flom the Spanish lace!
Rumando: We're not shoes, stupid. We're just autistic.
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Whatevew! What I'm tlying to say is, the way to defeat Laté is to use yow ethnic powews.
All: (Sing) Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus, Even if you look at us, it's something quite atrocious. Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye
Pablo, José, and Rumando: We can do drugs quite well it's something not important. Even if we tried to quit we'd just do cocaine. Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye
Flandango: (wakes up and shouts [interrupting]) I can stereotype myself! (snoring)
Bystander 1: Look at me! I'm quite a spree of Jewish information! I want the United States to be a perfect Jewish Nation! Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! I have a menorah bum diddle eye I have a menorah bum diddle eye I have a menorah bum diddle eye I have a menorah bum diddle eye
Bystander 2: (interrupting) I'm terribly understated! I don't talk much either!
Rigger: Everyone knows why I am called Rigger.
All: Is it because you're. um. a Stiupid nige -
Rigger: That's right! Because I rig things! Um. Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling
Hashish: (Indian music) BOMBS EVERYWHERE!
All: Uh. Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye
Ching-Chong: I can build a wall like no other can! Even if there's no cement I can use. yams! Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus!
All: Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus!
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Good, good. Now use yow powews! Go, my childwen!
Exit all.
Act 3 Scene 2
Enter Popular Italian American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic.
Vinny: Useless! They escaped. and with my sister too. I should have listened to what mama said and quit this life of crime and become an pizza chef.
Mama: No, papa! It's my gold now.
Papa: No, it's my gold! It's not bene! (argues in Italian)
Vinny: Maybe all this social climbing and crime isn't good for me.
Mama: Unhand my Mama's antique vase!
Papa: No way! You say that everyday and everyone knows I bought it at a smuggling convention! (argues in Italian)
Vinny: All Franco and Ching-lee wanted to do was be together and I didn't let them.
Papa: Oh, ho! Now you're the thief!
Mama: No! It's my gold now! I just wait for you to die! (argues in Italian)
Vinny: Yes, I see it! A new era in Racial History, where everyone has the choice to - (Mama accidentally hits Vinny with a vase. He collapses.)
Papa: Oh, now look what you did! Our only male is dead!
Mama: Ooo! We get life insurance!
Papa: Mama mia! Bene! Bene! (Italian music. They dance in circles.)
Exit Mama and Papa.
Enter Franco Ching-lee, and Gondola. Franco: Vinny!
Vinny: Is that you? Franco?
Franco: Yes. I'm here! And you're sister and.
Vinny: Ching-lee?
Franco: Yes, but please, don't be mad at us. We just wanted to come back to make sure our friends knew we were safe.
Vinny: Ah, I see. I can't go on like this, Franco. This life of crime and sadness. I realize, now, more than anytime in my life, that everyone's different. No matter who or what you are doesn't determine what kind of person you are.
Franco: Rest now!
Vinny: No. Not until I make amends for my awful ways. Take the money I stored in that box of biscotti. It'll get you to where ever you need to go. People can't accept diversity in this neighborhood. I wish you the greatest happiness. You have shown me the light. Because. (Sings) Everyone is different. You don't even need to ask. Scoff every racist They shouldn't even brag. Because there's more to us
Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola: More to us.
Vinny: Than you think. The journey up ahead Is a long and arduous one Don't even think about. The simple things that come. I used to stuff every race in a big paper bag I thought that bad stuff never happened to the society lags It's not as simple as you think Don't blink! I thought that racial diversity was something of the past! It never occurred to me that I was blast.ed . uh . Wrong. It never really fit me I won't ever need to be.. A racist anymore.
Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola: A racist anymore.
Vinny: For meee! For meeee! (spoken) Good bye, guys. Have a nice life. (collapses again.)
(crying)
Franco: I don't understand. Why'd he go so quickly. and Now?
Ching-lee: Don't worry, Vinny. We'll honor you and raise your sister to be as . um. er. kindhearted as you would have been.
Gondola: Brother!
Franco: You heard what he said. No one would understand us here. We'd better go.
All: Good bye.
Exit Franco, Ching-lee, and Gondola.
Vinny: Hey! Just because I fatd away and collapse doesn't mean I'm dead! My mom just hit me with a friggin vase!
Enter Mama and Papa.
Papa: Hey Mama! Lookit the new gun I bought with the insurance money!
(Cut the lights. Loud gunshot sound.)
Exit all.
Act 3 scene 3.
Principal Raté: Morris! Where are you?
Hong Kong Connie: (in a crude copy of Ms. Morris' outfit.) Oh, ovew hewe, Plincipal Laté.
Principal Raté: Ah, good. There you are. Hey. There's something different about you and I can't place my racist fingers on it.
Hong Kong Connie: Uh. Diffelent? How so?
Principal Raté: Oh, yes! I see. You've gained a couple of pounds, right?
Hong Kong Connie: Ah, yes. How. observant of you.
Principal Raté: Yes, well, I was the most observant in school. I saw how the Indians wanted to sell lemonade for profit, so I quickly and swiftly put their stands on fire and salted the ashes. Then I danced around it, mocking their culture. Of course, I just assumed they were Indians, 'cause they looked funny, but still, I never gave a hoot to proximity, eh Ms. Morris.
Hong Kong Connie: Ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dlole, Plincipal, dlole.
Enter Marela.
Marela: Principal Raté.
Principal Raté: Yes, young lady?
Marela: I'd like to have a few days off. I have to go to my friend's funeral.
Principal Raté: A few days? That's mutiny! You'll have to go to permanent colored detention!
Marela: No! But my best friend died! How can you send me there?
Principal Raté: I don't care. The governor will do anything for me now!
Marela: Please! Feel some compassion!
Enter Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
Principal Raté: Take her away.
Yuri and Yow-ee-ski: Da-ski.
Exit Marela and the Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
(Offstage) Pablo: It's time for your end, Raté!
Principal Raté: Who's there?
(Offstage) Hashish: You know! It's the people you shunned!
Principal Raté: No. No! You all can't be.
(Desk blows up)
Principal Raté: (girly scream) Who are you people?
(Offstage)Ching-Chong: You remember us! We're those who you've wronged with your bad ways.
Principal Raté: Oh my Mormon god, no!
Bystander 2: That's right! Look outside your window.
(There's a riot with sticks and fire)
Principal Raté: What's all this? I don't have to do anything about this! Your just children! What weapon do you have?
Enter Bystander 1, Ching-Chong, Hashish, Rigger, and Pablo, with fire.
Bystander 1: Oyyyy! Shfitz! Kosher! Good value!!! (keep going)
Principal Raté: No! Ahh!
Ching-Chong: Sweet Sour pork? You want? Good price! (keep going)
Principal Raté: (girly scream)
Hashish: Boo!
Principal Raté: (shock)
Rigger: Bling, son! Dawg! Bliiiing! (keep going)
Principal Raté: Gah!
Pablo: (goes to sleep and snores.)
Principal Raté: (girly scream and fit.)
(They keep going.)
Principal Raté: You're all crazy! I know, it's time for the W.A.S.P's secret weapon! (takes out gaudy clothes) Look! Yellow pants! Who the heck is cheap enough to wear yellow pants? And look - I'm wearing a gray tweed jacket!
All: Ahhh! No! He's blinding us with the cheap gaudiness of the W.A.S.P. race!
Principal Raté: Yellow, green, pink, brown, tan, grey, and blue! All the colors of the wasp rainbow. Ha! No one can stop me now.
Enter Vinny and random members of the Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic.
Vinny: Freeze, Raté!
Principal Raté: Stand back, I have ill-matched colors!
Vinny: That doesn't work on us, Stupid. Us Ities don't ever wear normal clothes.
Principal Raté: You. You inferior wops. Mr. Vinny, I thought you were dead!
Vinny: Just because the lights go out and there's a gunshot doesn't mean I'm dead!
Principal Raté: Quiet! Don't complain and don't explain.
Vinny: Get him boys! (Italian music starts. They dance in a circle around him.)
Principal Raté: Ahh! Ms. Morris, Help me!
Hong Kong Connie: Solly, Plincipal, I'm not really Ms. Mollis. (Rips off outfit.) I'm actually Hong Kong Connie!
Principal Raté: Hong Kong Connie?
Hong Kong Connie: That's light! Hong Kong Connie of the FBI! And you're under allest Laté - oh should I say Nasty Dlug Smugglew Numbew Five?
Principal Raté: How did you know?
Hong Kong Connie: The govelnew tuwned himself in and confessed about you and your little dlug schemes!
Principal Raté: That traitor!
Hong Kong Connie: Take him away, boys.
Enter police.
Principal Raté: No! This isn't how I shall end! You'll see! I'll find a way to make the KK - KFC known! You'll all see! (sings) Racism! Racism! You really gotta see me! I'm awfully, awfully steamy -
(Offstage) Crabby Random Lunch Lady: Shaddup!
Principal Raté: (jumps in a police man's arms) Crazy Neeeeeegggrrr -
(the police drag Principal Raté away)
Exit Police and Principal Raté.
Enter Marela, José, Rumando, Flandango, and Bystander 2.
Hong Kong Connie: You see what we've all learned from this, don't you?
Flandango: That everyone is different and there should be more social acceptance in the world?
Hong Kong Connie: No, silly. Tuesday is mahjong day at my lestaulant and you should all go. You can have shark fin soup. Velly good fow business. And.
(Sings)
All: No one's perfect! That is a fact! Everyone should like each other No matter if their black! These things are different sorts, but Don't give a fuss These things never ever bust!
Hashish: No wait everyone! I've decided to become a hippie now! I've figured out that you don't need bombs to get what you want. You just need to push your will over everyone. It's that simple! Now, let's all join hands and sing a good old-fashioned hippie song.
(Hold hands together, swaying and singing.)
All: okay!
(sings) How many men must a man step on? Before you can call him a Jap? The answer my friend, Is blowing up Vietnam, The answer is blowing up Vietnam! And how many fakes must the wild gook make, Before you massacre everyone? The answer my friend, Is blowing up Vietnam, The answer is blowing up Vietnam! How many men must a man walk on? Before you can call him a Jap? The answer my friend, Is blowing up Vietnam, The answer is blowing up Vietnam.
Exit all.
Act 3, scene 4 (Train station)
Enter Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola.
Ching-lee: I think this is the train to California. Hurry up, Franco!
Franco: Okay. So, will you miss your family?
Ching-lee: Yes, terribly. You?
Franco: Yes.
Ching-lee: How about you, Gondola?
Enter Mama and Papa. Papa: Look! The getaway train! We have to dodge those nasty social workers, right mama?
Mama: Yes. Look, papa, there it is now!
Exit Mama and Papa.
Gondola: Ching-lee, would you be my new Mama?
Ching-lee: Uh. Okay, dear.
Railroad man: All aboard! All aboard!
Franco: That's us! Hurry!
Enter Hong Kong Connie, Ching-Chong, The Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang, Rigger, Hashish, and Vinny.
All: Wait!
Ching-Chong: Guys, don't leave!
Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola: Why?
Vinny: You see, as a result of smart thinking and incorrect stereotypes, Principal Raté is no more.
Franco: But, how do we know that we just won't be hated?
Vinny: We've all seen the errors of our ways.
Ching-lee: Huh?
Pablo: This is an upbeat musical. We have to do that.
Ching-lee: Oh!
Hong Kong Connie: Aren't you glad you're near your friends?
Franco: Wait, that's not true. I've never met Rigger, Hashish, or any of the Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang. At least in this musical.
All: Shhh!
Franco: Oh right.
Hong Kong Connie: Like I was saying, all your friends. The point is, we've learned from our mistakes - accept Hashish and possibly Rigger.
Hashish: BOMBS. I mean love and groovy flower-power.
Rigger: Yo, dawgs, I don't say none things that make sense in this entire musical, yo. That's wack. And another un-getto thing is the fact that over -
Vinny: That's great, Rigger.
Flandango: Don't you see? We all care about and wouldn't want you two to leave. So please, for our sakes, stay with us.
Pablo: What?
Flandango: Oh, sorry, that was just the heroi. hairline fracture.. In my hip talking. Uh. (goes to sleep)
Ching-lee: I get it! We shouldn't waste our lives away from home, in unknown places because we're with people we love and familiar surroundings!
(stepping off the bus.)
Franco: Now we can live our lives in peace, Ching-lee.
Ching-lee: Isn't it wonderful?
Hong Kong Connie: See, dear, you can have a relationship and keep your friends too!
Franco: I love you! The world is our oyster now.
Ching-lee: Yes! Thank god, my love!
Hashish: Don't you mean Allah?
Franco: Shh! Quiet! In the 1940's was anyone politically correct?
Hashish: Oh yeah.
Ching-lee: Anyway, it's great being able to do what we want and say so. And because we're kids in the 1940's we can end the musical in glorious song and dance. (sings) Yo yo boe-bee do Yo yo boe-bee do Yo yo boe bee do do, No one's the same Everyone is strange Turn up those heels and saaayyy. Everybody is gaaayyy Turn on the jupebox and go Yo ba doby Negro! Yo yo boe-bee do Yo yo boe-bee do (Spoken) Take it, mom!
Hong Kong Connie: (sings) HONG KONG CONNIE! HONG KONG CONNIE! Poke flied lice fow you! Lo lo go tee-do Lo lo go tee-do? (spoken) Liggew!
Rigger: (sings) Let's do the racism raaag! Blow blow ho gee do Blow blow ho gee do Everyone's a small bit racist, no guy's not game Everyone's a small bit racist, no one is tame! So, let's do this racism rag!
All: Wo wo boe bee do! Wo wo boe bee do!
Rigger: (spoken) Franco! Vinnny!
Franco and Vinny: (sings) Mozzarella! Mozzarella! Mozzaella for you! Da da la do! Da da la do! Da da la do! Da da la do! Hey!
All: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, Do the racism rag!
Bystander 1: Oy oy doy-dee doy! Oy oy doy-dee doy! Have a tequila! Have a. Tequila! Have a. Tequila! Haaave a! (spoken) Hashish!
Hashish: (sings) Bombing every country is not a mistake! All the guys are doing it, Gotta bomb those people doing it Really gotta bomb 'em - Raaaag! (spoken) Mexicans!
Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang: So so drugee mo So so drugee mo! Cocaaiiii - (They go to sleep)
All: So, turn up the beat! Burn up the streets, Don't despair, Just do not care, And fly, fly, fly.. Racism, the Musical!
Exit all.
Enter Hong Kong Connie, Ching Chong, and Principal Raté.
Hong Kong Connie: Whewe is my daughtew?! This is vely bad fow business! Vely bad. like evelything else I do in the business wold!
Principal Raté: I don't know what you're talking about, madam.
Hong Kong Connie: Don't play stupid with me! I know it must have been you! You and yow dru -
Principal Raté: Verbally assaulting me is a public offense, now, miss. Good day to you.
Enter Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
Yuri: Da-ski. Is this woman giving you trouble, Leni - I mean Principal? Ski.
Principal Raté: Yes. Take her away.
Hong Kong Connie: You can't take me to Colowed Detention! I adultewlate fow cash because my husband's still in China. I mean because I'm a glown woman!
Principal Raté: Oh, yes I can. It's all here in the new law. If you don't like it. I could arrange for you to be, oh let's say. DEPORTED BACK TO CHINA!
Hong Kong Connie: Yow insane, Laté!
Principal Raté: Not insane. just Racist! (sings) R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! You really don't what I'm about? It's really, really, simple, there's no need to shout, Just listen up really good and. R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! (Puts on a small mustache, marches, nazi salute [same as in first song]) Deutschland! Deutschland! Uber alles! Uber alles in der welt! (Takes off hat and stops marching and saluting) OY OY OY! CHING CHANG CHONG! OY OY OY! BLING BLANG BLONG! R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! There really isn't must I like talking about. You see, I am a meager member a school system. R-A-S-T, RACIST! R-A-S-T, RACIST! It's a hell of a way!
I think that sums up our appointment, Ms. Connie. Hope you like my facilities. Bye, bye.
Hong Kong Connie: You haven't heard the last of HONG KONG CONNIEEEE (struggles) EEEE! VELLY BAD FOW BUSINESS!!.
Principal Raté: Good, good. Now where's Ms. Morris?
Exit Hong Kong Connie and the Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
Act 3 scene 2 (Darken a bit. Tune stolen from "Mary Poppins")
Enter Autistic Kid's Bike Gang, Hashish, Rigger, Ching-Chong and the bystanders.
Pablo: Dios Mio! They put us in this jail because someone was mixed! I'm looking at you, hombre (Frandango!) Speak, speak! Quite dumb?
Flandango: (snoring)
Pablo: Okay. We have to find a way to get out of here!
José: How about we dig a tunnel using weed? Come on? That would be cool.
Pablo: No! We made one last year. You just ended up smoking it. Remember?
José: Uh. No. Gotta sleep now! (snoring)
Pablo: As I was saying, anyone with a normal idea?
Rumando: Do drugs or go to sleep? Oh yeah, or be a drain on society?
Pablo: No. Anyone else?
Rigger: Son! That Raté gave me one look and put me here. Yo, dawg, that ain't getto. Yo! Represent!
Hashish: Be quiet, Rigger. Hashish has a good idea. Bomb him! Bomb him all! I am Hashish.
Pablo: That's a great idea, but we hate you somehow. Next.
Ching-Chong: I know! Let's steal all the sweet 'n' sour pork from the cafeteria. It'll be very bad for business. Then we could do math problems and work on model train sets. And then, when we really -
Pablo: I keep telling you. You can't join the Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang!
Ching-Chong: But I was wasn't. Nevermind.
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: I have a bettew idea. Fight Laté's only weakness.
All: What's that?
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Haven't you noticed how he likes to distance himself flom othew laces?
Pablo: Laces?
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Yes! Laces! Yow flom the Spanish lace!
Rumando: We're not shoes, stupid. We're just autistic.
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Whatevew! What I'm tlying to say is, the way to defeat Laté is to use yow ethnic powews.
All: (Sing) Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus, Even if you look at us, it's something quite atrocious. Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye
Pablo, José, and Rumando: We can do drugs quite well it's something not important. Even if we tried to quit we'd just do cocaine. Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye Drug smuggle smuggle dumb diddle eye
Flandango: (wakes up and shouts [interrupting]) I can stereotype myself! (snoring)
Bystander 1: Look at me! I'm quite a spree of Jewish information! I want the United States to be a perfect Jewish Nation! Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! I have a menorah bum diddle eye I have a menorah bum diddle eye I have a menorah bum diddle eye I have a menorah bum diddle eye
Bystander 2: (interrupting) I'm terribly understated! I don't talk much either!
Rigger: Everyone knows why I am called Rigger.
All: Is it because you're. um. a Stiupid nige -
Rigger: That's right! Because I rig things! Um. Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus! Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling Rig rappa rappa dumb diddle bling
Hashish: (Indian music) BOMBS EVERYWHERE!
All: Uh. Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye Bum diddle diddle bum diddle eye
Ching-Chong: I can build a wall like no other can! Even if there's no cement I can use. yams! Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus!
All: Super-Dosage-Tabloidistic-Cesspool-Ali-Do-Shus!
(Offstage) Hong Kong Connie: Good, good. Now use yow powews! Go, my childwen!
Exit all.
Act 3 Scene 2
Enter Popular Italian American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic.
Vinny: Useless! They escaped. and with my sister too. I should have listened to what mama said and quit this life of crime and become an pizza chef.
Mama: No, papa! It's my gold now.
Papa: No, it's my gold! It's not bene! (argues in Italian)
Vinny: Maybe all this social climbing and crime isn't good for me.
Mama: Unhand my Mama's antique vase!
Papa: No way! You say that everyday and everyone knows I bought it at a smuggling convention! (argues in Italian)
Vinny: All Franco and Ching-lee wanted to do was be together and I didn't let them.
Papa: Oh, ho! Now you're the thief!
Mama: No! It's my gold now! I just wait for you to die! (argues in Italian)
Vinny: Yes, I see it! A new era in Racial History, where everyone has the choice to - (Mama accidentally hits Vinny with a vase. He collapses.)
Papa: Oh, now look what you did! Our only male is dead!
Mama: Ooo! We get life insurance!
Papa: Mama mia! Bene! Bene! (Italian music. They dance in circles.)
Exit Mama and Papa.
Enter Franco Ching-lee, and Gondola. Franco: Vinny!
Vinny: Is that you? Franco?
Franco: Yes. I'm here! And you're sister and.
Vinny: Ching-lee?
Franco: Yes, but please, don't be mad at us. We just wanted to come back to make sure our friends knew we were safe.
Vinny: Ah, I see. I can't go on like this, Franco. This life of crime and sadness. I realize, now, more than anytime in my life, that everyone's different. No matter who or what you are doesn't determine what kind of person you are.
Franco: Rest now!
Vinny: No. Not until I make amends for my awful ways. Take the money I stored in that box of biscotti. It'll get you to where ever you need to go. People can't accept diversity in this neighborhood. I wish you the greatest happiness. You have shown me the light. Because. (Sings) Everyone is different. You don't even need to ask. Scoff every racist They shouldn't even brag. Because there's more to us
Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola: More to us.
Vinny: Than you think. The journey up ahead Is a long and arduous one Don't even think about. The simple things that come. I used to stuff every race in a big paper bag I thought that bad stuff never happened to the society lags It's not as simple as you think Don't blink! I thought that racial diversity was something of the past! It never occurred to me that I was blast.ed . uh . Wrong. It never really fit me I won't ever need to be.. A racist anymore.
Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola: A racist anymore.
Vinny: For meee! For meeee! (spoken) Good bye, guys. Have a nice life. (collapses again.)
(crying)
Franco: I don't understand. Why'd he go so quickly. and Now?
Ching-lee: Don't worry, Vinny. We'll honor you and raise your sister to be as . um. er. kindhearted as you would have been.
Gondola: Brother!
Franco: You heard what he said. No one would understand us here. We'd better go.
All: Good bye.
Exit Franco, Ching-lee, and Gondola.
Vinny: Hey! Just because I fatd away and collapse doesn't mean I'm dead! My mom just hit me with a friggin vase!
Enter Mama and Papa.
Papa: Hey Mama! Lookit the new gun I bought with the insurance money!
(Cut the lights. Loud gunshot sound.)
Exit all.
Act 3 scene 3.
Principal Raté: Morris! Where are you?
Hong Kong Connie: (in a crude copy of Ms. Morris' outfit.) Oh, ovew hewe, Plincipal Laté.
Principal Raté: Ah, good. There you are. Hey. There's something different about you and I can't place my racist fingers on it.
Hong Kong Connie: Uh. Diffelent? How so?
Principal Raté: Oh, yes! I see. You've gained a couple of pounds, right?
Hong Kong Connie: Ah, yes. How. observant of you.
Principal Raté: Yes, well, I was the most observant in school. I saw how the Indians wanted to sell lemonade for profit, so I quickly and swiftly put their stands on fire and salted the ashes. Then I danced around it, mocking their culture. Of course, I just assumed they were Indians, 'cause they looked funny, but still, I never gave a hoot to proximity, eh Ms. Morris.
Hong Kong Connie: Ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dlole, Plincipal, dlole.
Enter Marela.
Marela: Principal Raté.
Principal Raté: Yes, young lady?
Marela: I'd like to have a few days off. I have to go to my friend's funeral.
Principal Raté: A few days? That's mutiny! You'll have to go to permanent colored detention!
Marela: No! But my best friend died! How can you send me there?
Principal Raté: I don't care. The governor will do anything for me now!
Marela: Please! Feel some compassion!
Enter Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
Principal Raté: Take her away.
Yuri and Yow-ee-ski: Da-ski.
Exit Marela and the Junior Raté Socially Soviet Segregation Police.
(Offstage) Pablo: It's time for your end, Raté!
Principal Raté: Who's there?
(Offstage) Hashish: You know! It's the people you shunned!
Principal Raté: No. No! You all can't be.
(Desk blows up)
Principal Raté: (girly scream) Who are you people?
(Offstage)Ching-Chong: You remember us! We're those who you've wronged with your bad ways.
Principal Raté: Oh my Mormon god, no!
Bystander 2: That's right! Look outside your window.
(There's a riot with sticks and fire)
Principal Raté: What's all this? I don't have to do anything about this! Your just children! What weapon do you have?
Enter Bystander 1, Ching-Chong, Hashish, Rigger, and Pablo, with fire.
Bystander 1: Oyyyy! Shfitz! Kosher! Good value!!! (keep going)
Principal Raté: No! Ahh!
Ching-Chong: Sweet Sour pork? You want? Good price! (keep going)
Principal Raté: (girly scream)
Hashish: Boo!
Principal Raté: (shock)
Rigger: Bling, son! Dawg! Bliiiing! (keep going)
Principal Raté: Gah!
Pablo: (goes to sleep and snores.)
Principal Raté: (girly scream and fit.)
(They keep going.)
Principal Raté: You're all crazy! I know, it's time for the W.A.S.P's secret weapon! (takes out gaudy clothes) Look! Yellow pants! Who the heck is cheap enough to wear yellow pants? And look - I'm wearing a gray tweed jacket!
All: Ahhh! No! He's blinding us with the cheap gaudiness of the W.A.S.P. race!
Principal Raté: Yellow, green, pink, brown, tan, grey, and blue! All the colors of the wasp rainbow. Ha! No one can stop me now.
Enter Vinny and random members of the Popular Italian-American Children's Mafia of the Roman Republic.
Vinny: Freeze, Raté!
Principal Raté: Stand back, I have ill-matched colors!
Vinny: That doesn't work on us, Stupid. Us Ities don't ever wear normal clothes.
Principal Raté: You. You inferior wops. Mr. Vinny, I thought you were dead!
Vinny: Just because the lights go out and there's a gunshot doesn't mean I'm dead!
Principal Raté: Quiet! Don't complain and don't explain.
Vinny: Get him boys! (Italian music starts. They dance in a circle around him.)
Principal Raté: Ahh! Ms. Morris, Help me!
Hong Kong Connie: Solly, Plincipal, I'm not really Ms. Mollis. (Rips off outfit.) I'm actually Hong Kong Connie!
Principal Raté: Hong Kong Connie?
Hong Kong Connie: That's light! Hong Kong Connie of the FBI! And you're under allest Laté - oh should I say Nasty Dlug Smugglew Numbew Five?
Principal Raté: How did you know?
Hong Kong Connie: The govelnew tuwned himself in and confessed about you and your little dlug schemes!
Principal Raté: That traitor!
Hong Kong Connie: Take him away, boys.
Enter police.
Principal Raté: No! This isn't how I shall end! You'll see! I'll find a way to make the KK - KFC known! You'll all see! (sings) Racism! Racism! You really gotta see me! I'm awfully, awfully steamy -
(Offstage) Crabby Random Lunch Lady: Shaddup!
Principal Raté: (jumps in a police man's arms) Crazy Neeeeeegggrrr -
(the police drag Principal Raté away)
Exit Police and Principal Raté.
Enter Marela, José, Rumando, Flandango, and Bystander 2.
Hong Kong Connie: You see what we've all learned from this, don't you?
Flandango: That everyone is different and there should be more social acceptance in the world?
Hong Kong Connie: No, silly. Tuesday is mahjong day at my lestaulant and you should all go. You can have shark fin soup. Velly good fow business. And.
(Sings)
All: No one's perfect! That is a fact! Everyone should like each other No matter if their black! These things are different sorts, but Don't give a fuss These things never ever bust!
Hashish: No wait everyone! I've decided to become a hippie now! I've figured out that you don't need bombs to get what you want. You just need to push your will over everyone. It's that simple! Now, let's all join hands and sing a good old-fashioned hippie song.
(Hold hands together, swaying and singing.)
All: okay!
(sings) How many men must a man step on? Before you can call him a Jap? The answer my friend, Is blowing up Vietnam, The answer is blowing up Vietnam! And how many fakes must the wild gook make, Before you massacre everyone? The answer my friend, Is blowing up Vietnam, The answer is blowing up Vietnam! How many men must a man walk on? Before you can call him a Jap? The answer my friend, Is blowing up Vietnam, The answer is blowing up Vietnam.
Exit all.
Act 3, scene 4 (Train station)
Enter Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola.
Ching-lee: I think this is the train to California. Hurry up, Franco!
Franco: Okay. So, will you miss your family?
Ching-lee: Yes, terribly. You?
Franco: Yes.
Ching-lee: How about you, Gondola?
Enter Mama and Papa. Papa: Look! The getaway train! We have to dodge those nasty social workers, right mama?
Mama: Yes. Look, papa, there it is now!
Exit Mama and Papa.
Gondola: Ching-lee, would you be my new Mama?
Ching-lee: Uh. Okay, dear.
Railroad man: All aboard! All aboard!
Franco: That's us! Hurry!
Enter Hong Kong Connie, Ching-Chong, The Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang, Rigger, Hashish, and Vinny.
All: Wait!
Ching-Chong: Guys, don't leave!
Ching-lee, Franco, and Gondola: Why?
Vinny: You see, as a result of smart thinking and incorrect stereotypes, Principal Raté is no more.
Franco: But, how do we know that we just won't be hated?
Vinny: We've all seen the errors of our ways.
Ching-lee: Huh?
Pablo: This is an upbeat musical. We have to do that.
Ching-lee: Oh!
Hong Kong Connie: Aren't you glad you're near your friends?
Franco: Wait, that's not true. I've never met Rigger, Hashish, or any of the Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang. At least in this musical.
All: Shhh!
Franco: Oh right.
Hong Kong Connie: Like I was saying, all your friends. The point is, we've learned from our mistakes - accept Hashish and possibly Rigger.
Hashish: BOMBS. I mean love and groovy flower-power.
Rigger: Yo, dawgs, I don't say none things that make sense in this entire musical, yo. That's wack. And another un-getto thing is the fact that over -
Vinny: That's great, Rigger.
Flandango: Don't you see? We all care about and wouldn't want you two to leave. So please, for our sakes, stay with us.
Pablo: What?
Flandango: Oh, sorry, that was just the heroi. hairline fracture.. In my hip talking. Uh. (goes to sleep)
Ching-lee: I get it! We shouldn't waste our lives away from home, in unknown places because we're with people we love and familiar surroundings!
(stepping off the bus.)
Franco: Now we can live our lives in peace, Ching-lee.
Ching-lee: Isn't it wonderful?
Hong Kong Connie: See, dear, you can have a relationship and keep your friends too!
Franco: I love you! The world is our oyster now.
Ching-lee: Yes! Thank god, my love!
Hashish: Don't you mean Allah?
Franco: Shh! Quiet! In the 1940's was anyone politically correct?
Hashish: Oh yeah.
Ching-lee: Anyway, it's great being able to do what we want and say so. And because we're kids in the 1940's we can end the musical in glorious song and dance. (sings) Yo yo boe-bee do Yo yo boe-bee do Yo yo boe bee do do, No one's the same Everyone is strange Turn up those heels and saaayyy. Everybody is gaaayyy Turn on the jupebox and go Yo ba doby Negro! Yo yo boe-bee do Yo yo boe-bee do (Spoken) Take it, mom!
Hong Kong Connie: (sings) HONG KONG CONNIE! HONG KONG CONNIE! Poke flied lice fow you! Lo lo go tee-do Lo lo go tee-do? (spoken) Liggew!
Rigger: (sings) Let's do the racism raaag! Blow blow ho gee do Blow blow ho gee do Everyone's a small bit racist, no guy's not game Everyone's a small bit racist, no one is tame! So, let's do this racism rag!
All: Wo wo boe bee do! Wo wo boe bee do!
Rigger: (spoken) Franco! Vinnny!
Franco and Vinny: (sings) Mozzarella! Mozzarella! Mozzaella for you! Da da la do! Da da la do! Da da la do! Da da la do! Hey!
All: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, Do the racism rag!
Bystander 1: Oy oy doy-dee doy! Oy oy doy-dee doy! Have a tequila! Have a. Tequila! Have a. Tequila! Haaave a! (spoken) Hashish!
Hashish: (sings) Bombing every country is not a mistake! All the guys are doing it, Gotta bomb those people doing it Really gotta bomb 'em - Raaaag! (spoken) Mexicans!
Autistic Kid's Dirt Bike Gang: So so drugee mo So so drugee mo! Cocaaiiii - (They go to sleep)
All: So, turn up the beat! Burn up the streets, Don't despair, Just do not care, And fly, fly, fly.. Racism, the Musical!
Exit all.
