"So, let me get this straight," said Elsa as she and Hans were finishing each other's sandwiches at the dinner table. "You told my sister you were going to kill me, and then you just left her there, and locked the door?"
"Yes," said Hans. "She was dying."
"Yes, but she wasn't dead yet," said Elsa. "I mean, you didn't even have her in a closet? No, you had her in a big room-with windows-with a door with a lock that could be picked open by a carrot?"
"Well..." went Hans awkwardly.
"I mean that's just fucking stupid," said Elsa with her mouth full. "What if your evil plan had worked, and you had killed me? What if Anna had lived to tell someone what you were up to? You'd still be screwed then, you know?"
"Are you trying to imply that I should've killed your sister?" said Hans, raising an eyebrow.
"I'm just saying that if I were you, I would've," said Elsa simply. "Jam your sword through her heart, claim it happened because of me, then kill me. Not lock her in a room, count on no one walking by or trying to unlock it or hearing her gasp for help, and just assume that she would die."
"What's done is done," said Hans, wiping his face. "It's not like I could trick you or your sister again."
"Exactly, what's done is done," said Elsa.
All of a sudden, Hans looked concerned.
"Um...why am I here?" he asked slowly.
"Hans, my boy, if we all lived in the past, we'd all hate each other forever," said Elsa. "And queens shouldn't hold a grudge."
"I...still don't understand..."
"Fine, stupid!" went Elsa, clenching a fork. "Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about..."
She then jammed said fork into the throat of a servent who was just offerring her a glass of wine. He fell to the floor and died.
"Now, you've just seen me murder someone," said Elsa. "Should we dwell on that? Should you call upon the other kingdoms to have me arrested? Or should you eat your goddamn sandwich and hear what I have to say instead?"
Hans, at this point, clearly had no idea what to say.
"That's a smart boy," said Elsa. "Hans, are you still interested in being king?"
"Um..."
"Of course you are," said Elsa. "And I need a king so I can produce an heir to the throne. So..."
Hans just looked at her wide-eyed.
Elsa sighed. She then made the fingers of her left hand into a hole and then thrust the index finger of her right hand into it over and over again.
"Get the picture?" said Elsa, who was beyond pissed off with Hans at this point.
"I thought you were a lesbian," said Hans dumbly.
"JESUS CHRIST!" yelled Elsa, throwing an empty wine glass on the floor, with the pieces shatterring into the dead servent's body. "WHY DOES EVERYONE ASSUME I'M A LESBIAN JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!"
"Um...because you sang a song about snow?"
"GOD, THE INTERNET IS STUPID!" the queen screamed. "SO, LET ME GUESS, THEY THINK THAT WAS SOME 'COMING OUT' SONG, IS THAT IT?!"
"Some of them do...," whimpered Hans, hiding behind his seat.
"Well, well, well," went Elsa with mock amusement. "Isn't that hilarious? Do they also assume I was a lesbian for my sister, and that my 'lesbianism' is what hurt her when we were kids? Do they think I was terrified of her knowing I was a lesbian, because being a lesbian harmed her before, and might harm her again?! Oh, and I guess my homosexuality nearly killed everyone in the kingdom, right, until I was able to 'control it'?! Is that what those idiots are claiming?!"
"I don't know!" yelped Hans, scared shitless. "I really just go on the internet for cat videos!"
"Oh, who gives a crap?!" yelled Elsa. "Will you marry me or not?"
"Huh?"
"Do you want to marry me or do you want to die?"
"Fine! I'll marry you! Jesus Christ!"
"Good," said Elsa, getting up and shoving her lunch plate off the table. "We'll prepare for the wedding after my nap, but if you try to wake me, the wedding might be...cancelled."
Then she left, leaving Hans shaking with terror, whimpering on the floor in fetal position, only feet away from the servent who his future wife had just murdered.
