III. Leaving her

Edward's POV

I sat in the rocking chair, watching my angel sleep. A frown on her face, she mumbled something. She seemed to suffer.

I wanted to reach her so badly, to cross the almost insignificant distance between us. I wanted to take her in my arms and whisper that everything would be okay. I hated to see her in pain.

But I couldn't. I had to find the line.

The nights were the hardest. I could hear her talk in her sleep, often crying, begging me to come back. Then, she would start screaming, and I would quickly go out the window before she would wake up.

Lately, she has been saying the same thing over and over again: "No… Too close… Too fast…" And, as always, she cried my name here and then.

Whenever she talked, I could feel the sadness, the anxiety and the pain echoing from every word. But when she said my name, it was different. It was calm; the pain could just be heard faintly. My name seemed to bring her peace.

I couldn't help but smile at that thought. It was selfish, and shallow, but I liked the fact that the mention of my name seemed to be less painful for her than any other thing.

Of course, this was just in her sleep.

In the daytime, she avoided any physical contact with anyone. Her beautiful eyes were empty, she only opened her delicate mouth to answer a question and she winced at any word that would, I guess, remind her of… us.

Because we had hurt her. Well, I had hurt her. More than she had ever been damaged before. After I left her in the forest that day, I drove to Alaska, as promised. But a few days went by, and I had already refused the thought of staying away from her. These three days had been the worst of my life.

That day, as soon as I had gotten in my car and driven out of the forest, I was blinded by the pain. Everything around me was only shapes. I pulled over, somewhere outside of Forks, got out of my car, and ran through the forest.

I ran at vampire speed, not caring if anyone saw me. My life was over anyway, why fear the Volturi?

I couldn't see where I ran. My eyes were closed tightly. I didn't want to look at anything else, or anyone else ever again. It would have only been a painful reminder of what I had done, what I had left behind me.

Bella had been, was, and always would be the core of my existence. Anything I would look at would remind me of her. Trees, river, sun, clouds… life. I sighed.

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes. The forest was far behind me, and I was running through the mountains now. My vampire instincts had kept me from hitting a tree or falling in the river.

I slowed down, and came to a stop. I sat on the nearest rock, my head in my hands. The sadness and the pain slowly turned into anger. Anger at myself. Anger at hurting the most important person in my life.

I winced as I thought of the look I had seen in her eyes. It wasn't surprise or horror. It was a look of understanding, of realization. It had startled me, at first. It was as if she had been waiting for this, knowing it would arrive someday. She had believed me so easily, so quickly. I was almost mad at her. How…? How could she have believed any of this? How could she have thought, even for a second, that I didn't love her anymore?

This had been the hardest thing that I had done in my life. Standing there, and telling her the worst lies, knowing she believed them… Maybe I hadn't done enough to prove her my love to start with.

And then, for a second, the wind had brought me her scent stronger than the moment before. For a second, I couldn't remember why I was there, breaking her heart. For a second, my eyes softened. For a second, I just wanted to hold her. For a second, the line I had drawn between us for the past few days disappeared. And I had seen in her beautiful brown eyes that she had noticed that too.

But the worst thing I had seen in her eyes was pain. Unbearable, blinding pain. It hurt even to look at. And I realized that her eyes had been reflecting mine. But she had seen it as indifference. As if I didn't care for her.

I got up and screamed. A long scream of anger, of pain, of anxiety, of frustration, of agony. The screamed turned into a tearless sob, and I put my fist through the nearest rock.

I stayed there for hours, screaming, sobbing and destroying everything in sight.

I eventually stopped and fell to the ground. I needed to get out of here, to regain control. Slowly, I stood up and ran through the forest, remembering all the times I had done the same thing with her on my back, burying her face in my hair.

I got in my car and drove to Alaska.