August 20, 2013

9:32AM

The rays of sunlight shone from Cloud's bedroom window, which woke Tifa up. She couldn't help but feel her head aching. She was a strong drinker, and last night she was the fourth one to drink the most over Barret, Cid and Cloud, but her head has never hurt as much as it did now. It didn't take long for her to notice that her head was resting on something hard. It was definitely not a pillow, she thought. She also realized she was clinging onto this 'thing' where her head rests. She opened her eyes slowly, trying to fight the drowsiness that she still feels. Once her eyes meet the 'thing' she was sleeping on, her eyes flew open. Her face was directly resting on Cloud's bare chest. Her eyes widened in surprise. Her heart was beating fast, really fast. Crazy fast, it might just pop out of her chest. She could feel her face flushing all colors of red. She wanted to jump away from him, but she fears it might wake him up.

'Why is Cloud sleeping next to me without a shirt on?' was her first thought.

She looked around the room, and she was sure they were in Cloud's room. She still has no idea what's happening, and took a look at Cloud once again to make sure. It's definitely Cloud. It didn't take too long before memories of her 'dream' last night slowly started flashing back in her head. When Cloud told her she was beautiful. When he asked her if she loved him. When they ... kissed. Tifa felt her face flushing even more.

'No way. That was a dream.' she said to herself.

She didn't want to think about what happened, she was scared of it being true, but her fears were further confirmed when she looked down on herself. Under the blanket covering her was her bare body. She looked all over the room, and saw their clothes scattered everywhere. Her fears were turning into reality. She wanted to believe this was another dream, but it quickly failed when she felt Cloud stirring next to her. She covered her body with the blanket again, and quickly sat up. Cloud's eyes slowly opened, and he stood up the moment his eyes laid on Tifa. He looked just as confused and flustered as her.

Like what Tifa did, Cloud read the environment around him first, to get a gist of what was going on. His face could not hide the shock when he realized their current state. They were both naked, on his bed, and his head was throbbing. He didn't know what was going on, but he remembered drinking last night, and thought of the worse possible reason why they were in the state they were in. Neither of them dared to say anything.

They were surrounded by silence, but it was cut with voices coming from outside the room.

"But i'm really hungry! I don't know where Tifa is! Isn't she supposed to be in your room, Denzel?" Marlene said.

"I didn't see her when I woke up. The sleeping bag looked untouched too." Denzel replied.

"Oh, you know Tifa. She's a clean freak. Maybe she went to the market or something. We woke up really late. Even Barret's still asleep up to now, and you know Tifa always wakes up early." Yuffie told the kids.

"But she never leaves without leaving a note behind! Maybe Cloud knows where Tifa is! Let's ask him!"

Their hearts both stopped for a second. They were not in a good position, and they definitely don't want the children to see the state they were in. Tifa knew there was nothing else she could do at this point, so she closed her eyes waiting for whatever was going to come to come, but all she heard was the sound of someone struggling to open the doorknob. She opened her eyes, and saw the door was still closed.

"That's weird. It's locked." Marlene said.

"Maybe he's still sleeping. Let's not wake him up. He's probably drunk! I'm sure Tifa just went out for a bit. I'll go make you two some breakfast." Yuffie said.

"Will that be okay? Didn't Tifa say you're not allowed touch anything that's potentially dangerous to you or to us in her kitchen anymore?" Denzel asked.

"Well, she ain't here! And I didn't mean to almost set the entire place on fire last time! It was an accident! I'll be more careful this time! She won't even notice I touched anything. I promise! Let's go!" Yuffie defended herself, and dragged the two kids with her to the kitchen, who reluctantly just went along.

Tifa mentally sighed. That was a close one. Whatever the reason was that the door was locked, she was thankful for it. Cloud looked just as relieved as her, but their attentions were focused back on the state they were in again. Neither could remember too well what happened, and they were both silent yet again.

Surprisingly, Cloud was the one who broke the silence.

"Tifa ... I ..." Cloud muttered, trying to find the right words to say. "I don't know what happened ... I'm not sure what to say ..." he admitted.

"I ... I don't remember as much too." Tifa said. "You don't think ..." she remembered the two of them kissing.

'Could it have gotten to further than that?' she asked herself.

"... I'm sorry. We better ... get up, before they start to worry." Cloud said, looking away from her.

Cloud stood up, and reached down for his clothes. He was quickly getting dressed, trying not to look at Tifa at all. Tifa didn't feel right, to just act as if nothing happened. She had to say something.

"Shouldn't we talk about what happened first?" Tifa asked.

She knew it was crazy, she knew something happened, but even she wasn't sure if those memories were made up due to the alcohol or if they were real. Cloud didn't say anything, but it looked like he was avoiding saying anything.

"Do you ... really not remember anything?" she asked him again.

"... Let's talk later. I have deliveries to make. You should get dressed ... I'll distract them now. Come out after you're dressed." He just told her quietly, and left the room in a hurry.

Tifa was devastated. He left her just like that. She felt a pang in her chest. Maybe he doesn't remember everything he said last night. But something definitely happened. She knows that he knows it too, even if he doesn't remember. How could he just leave her like that? But more than asking herself that, Tifa couldn't help but get frustrated at herself. How could she have let this happen?

'If only I ... Oh what's the point of 'ifs'? It already happened! He might run away again. He might ... Why did this happen?' her thoughts scared her. Tears broke out of her eyes, and she feared sobs would follow, but she quickly covered her mouth before it could even be heard.

She didn't want to cry. It made her feel weak. The more she cried, the more she felt horrible about herself. It's as if she's placing all the blame to herself, and Cloud's reaction was the effect of her mistake. She felt weaker, but he was right about one thing, everyone might worry about her absence. She tried her best to get herself together, and picked up her clothes on the floor.

She put the clothes back on, and quietly made her way to Denzel's room, making sure he wasn't there. She would've went back to her own room to change to other clothes, but she though Shera might still be there. Of course they'd find it weird if she was still be wearing clothes she wore last night, but it'a a good thing she prepared some clothes for her and took them to Denzel's room before the party started.

Now she was more than positive something happened, as she found it hard to walk around.

'How am I supposed to act normal like this?!' she thought. She has to take the pain, just to be able to walk normally. It felt painful ... there ... whenever she tried to take a step.

More than worrying about how she walked, she worried about seeing Cloud downstairs. Tifa knew she wouldn't be able to act normal. She'll just keep thinking about last night, however she had to go down. She took a deep breath, and headed downstairs. In the bar, Cloud was the only one there, sitting on a stool in front of the bar counter. She couldn't even look at him at the face, but the feeling was mutual. They both avoided each other's gaze.

'There's no way he'd ever want to talk to me ever again' Tifa thought.

Yuffie came out of the kitchen holding two plates of pancakes, followed by Marlene and Denzel holding plates of their own.

"See! I told you I could do it! And I didn't burn anything this time!" Yuffie proudly stated, as she placed a plate in front of Cloud. She only noticed Tifa was standing by the stairs after sitting down on her own.

"Oh Teef! You're back! I made you some pancakes too! They're in the kitchen, and I promise nothing burned!" Yuffie said, raising her hands, as if to show her innocence.

"Well ... that doesn't mean you're allowed to cook whenever you like in my kitchen from now on" Tifa said, trying to sound normal as to not worry them.

She tried her best to walk to the kitchen normally, but she struggled. Good thing everyone was too busy eating to even notice. Cloud did notice, keeping his gaze at her, but she didn't notice that. He looked so sorry, seeing her struggle. He couldn't take the guilt he felt watching her, so he stood up before he could even take a bite of his food.

"I have some deliveries I need to make now. I'll be home late." was all Cloud said, before storming out of the house. Everyone looked confused, except for Tifa.

"That was... weird. What's up with Spikey again?" Yuffie wondered.

"He doesn't have deliveries until later in the afternoon though" Denzel said, knowing Cloud's schedules as he's the one in charge of taking delivery requests.

"He must be scared of your cooking, Yuffie. You did almost burn the house last time." Marlene said.

"W-what?! That Chocobo-head is sooooo rude! Ugggh! It tastes great! Ohhhhh! I hate him!" Yuffie puffed her face, giving the door a deadly glare.

Tifa knew Cloud left because of her, and she felt helpless. How can things turn from them being happy and normal together during the party, to what's happening now? She hated herself more by the second, but tried her best to keep her mind calm and collected. Cloud did say they'd talk later, right? Though she didn't rely on it too much herself. He did say he was gonna be late. Knowing Cloud, he might try to avoid it. He has been trying to change, and be more open to talking since Geostigma was cured, but that was because nothing was left to make him feel unease. He forgave himself for what happened to Zack and Aerith, or at least that's what she thinks, and there hasn't been a sign of Sephiroth coming back for years. Cloud did talk, but it was rarely about how he felt. She's sure his mind is in shambles again, and if she could only turn back time, if she only knew where things would go to that night, she would've just left him drunk downstairs with Barret and Cid.

August 20, 2013

16:51PM

He didn't actually lie though. Cloud did go out to do deliveries when he left. He wanted to get his mind off things, but it seemed pointless. He couldn't get what happened off his mind. He felt guilty, not remembering everything, seeing what he did to Tifa. She looked crushed. He was devastated knowing it was because of him. The only thing he could remember was Tifa taking him to his room. He remembers falling somewhere, and that's it. He did also remember dreaming about Tifa, and telling her what he failed to tell her that night, that she looked beautiful. But it wasn't as if she never looked beautiful before. He was getting confused again, embarrassed he was thinking about this now. He couldn't remember anything else. He tried, but failed, almost running into 3 chocobos while passing the Chocobo farm just this morning because of too much thinking.

He kept himself busy to clear his head, and ended up finishing all the deliveries an hour or so after lunch. Way earlier than he has scheduled. The farthest location he went to today was Junon, but he had to make a lot of deliveries around the region, plus the monsters also kept him busy.

'It's too early to come back home' he thought. He also didn't know how he would face Tifa. He only thought of one place to go to, one place to get some peace, and that was Aerith's church. He wanted to get angry, angry at himself, hurt himself, but he knew that'd never be enough. It was the only place where he can get his mind together.

The last time Cloud visited the place was when the whole gang went there to celebrate Aerith's birthday. He hasn't had any of 'episodes' ever since Geostigma was cured, and rather than feeling guilt, he felt calm whenever he went to visit the place. Everyone would help clean the place whenever they were there, but being in the middle of clusters of remains from the disasters that struck Midgar gets the place dusty as soon as they leave it alone. It was no different today.

Cloud slowly walked to the altar, eyeing Zack's sword from the distance. He was never the one to talk about his feelings, but it felt right to do so when he was around the sword. He knew he could tell Zack anything, and he'd find some way to make a laugh out of it, no matter how depressing it may seem. He sat right next to Zack's old buster sword, staring at the holy water at the pond in the middle of the altar.

"Zack ... Aerith ... I don't know what to do. I ... Tifa's important to me, and for me to do something like that to her ... I failed again ... What do I do now?" he asked, waiting for an answer he knew he'd never get.

"I don't want to hurt Tifa again ... but ... I don't even know how it happened. I don't want to hurt her any further. The closer someone gets to me, the more danger they get into. What can I do? I can't ... I promised I won't leave her and the kids. I've broken a lot of promises, but it was one I wanted to keep ... I'm not doing a very good job at being her hero, am I?"

He was still hopeful for an answer. He had so much to ask, he had to much to tell them, but he knew he had to get it together on his own now. Zack and Aerith were both resting in peace now, they're back with the lifestream. He knew he couldn't always just ask them to tell him what he needs to do when he's confused or conflicted. He was so angry at himself, he formed a fist with his hand as he continued.

"Tifa is ... the most important person I have left. She's the only one who i've had, from past, present, and i'm sure she'd be there for me for the future. I'm not stupid. I get what Yuffie implies every single time ... but Tifa doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to get something broken in return for every good she's done. I'd never forgive myself for what I did to her ... but I can't let her down again. She's all I have, but i'm not the one she needs. She needs someone better. She needs someone who can give himself to her completely, someone whole, not broken." as he was talking, he felt small drops of water hitting his head and shoulders.

It was raining. Was it Zack and Aerith responding to him? He wished he knew what they wanted to say. It only made him tighten his fist, as the rain got stronger on him.

"There's only one thing I need to do. I can't keep leading her on ... I should've done this long ago. If I let her get closer, she'll get hurt. I'll protect Tifa no matter what it takes. I'll protect her from myself"

Thinking of what he had to do, something other than rain dropped from his face. A tear. He actually shed a tear. The thought of what he has to do hurts most.

"Do you think i'd hurt her, Zack? Aerith? Do you think she'll get hurt? Please ... please ... I just hope that ... I don't hurt her too much. It'll be worse, if she keeps giving someone as worthless as me a love that i'll never be able to give her myself. If I have to lose the only thing I have left, as long as it protects her, then i'll do it. ... Don't worry, I won't leave them. I'll just set things straight. I won't leave ... unless she asks me to." he reassured them. The rain only got heavier as a response. Was it them disapproving his choice? They couldn't do anything anymore. He made up his mind.

August 21, 2013

02:21AM

When he said he'd be late, he really was late. Even though Tifa knew it'd be awkward, she waited for Cloud to get home, that is if he actually plans to go home. She put the kids to sleep by 9PM. It was a Sunday, and they had school later. They insisted on waiting for Cloud, but they knew she wouldn't let them. She knew she shouldn't wait for him too, but like the kids, she was persistent. She couldn't just let what happened go undiscussed. Even though she knew he'd never reciprocate her feelings, she still wanted to tell him. Tell him what she felt. Like Cloud, she didn't always talk about her feelings, which also led her to wrong assumptions. She didn't want him to feel that what happened was his fault, like how she thinks it's her fault. She wanted him to know that he didn't have to be sorry for it, she'd say anything to make sure he doesn't leave everyone again.

She waited for him by one of the tables at the far-end of the bar. All the lights were turned off, except the one dim light that gave little visibility of the bar. 30 minutes later, she heard the sound of Fenrir getting closer. Her body stiffened. It's as if everything she thought of saying to him disappeared from her head. She continued to panic on the inside, listening to Cloud open the garage and park Fenrir, closing it and opening the back door that led to the kitchen behind the bar counter. She got more and more nervous, and her mind totally went blank the moment she laid eyes on Cloud.

He looked just as shock as her, shocked to see her still up. He felt guilty for making her wait for this long, knowing he purposely went home this late hoping to avoid her. Tifa tried to find the rights words to say to him, stuttering as she did.

"Y-you're home. Were there many troubles on your way? Uhhh ... Did you eat?" she mentally facepalmed. She knew why he was late, but she still wanted to come up with some excuse to believe that it wasn't because of her.

"... You shouldn't have waited for me." was all he said, and then there was silence again.

They both knew why they were there now, but neither had the nerve to say anything. Tifa knew expecting Cloud to say something would only end in vain. Taking a deep breath, she broke the silence yet again. There was no use in trying to go around in circles with him, she needed to tell him straight.

"Cloud ... about last night-"

"Tifa, let's just ... let's just forget about it." he cut her words before she could even finish.

"Forget? ... Just ... like that?" she replied, sounding a little irritated and dismayed. She didn't want to be angry with him, but she was disappointed by how he's responding.

"It'd be better if we just forgot. It was ... a mistake" he replied quietly.

Tifa felt like she was being stabbed in the heart multiple times. 'It was a mistake', his words echoed in her head. He thought being with her was a mistake.

"A mistake? ... Is that really all it is, Cloud? Just a mistake?" she asked, on the verge of tears escaping her eyes. Cloud could only look away, not wanting to see her hurting.

"If we just forget-"

"But I can't forget!" Tifa yelled back, standing up from her seat. She only hoped it didn't wake up the kids. She hated herself for bringing it up like this, but taking a couple of shots an hour ago to help her calm down wasn't exactly the best thing she thought of either.

"I know you feel guilty about this, but Cloud I want to talk about it because we can't let this just pass without saying anything. You know what happened, even if you don't remember. We both don't remember, but we also both know for a fact that it happened."

"It did happen ... but it was a mistake."

Cloud still avoided Tifa's eyes as best as he could. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She thought of the worst, but for Cloud to be this straight about it made her feel like there was no way for her to reach him anymore.

"How can you even say that ... just like that? Cloud ... What if it wasn't a mistake to me?" she regretted asking, the moment it came out of her mouth. But it silenced Cloud for a while, making him think. He finally looked back at Tifa, hurt to see tears unconsciously slipping out her eyes, and sighed.

"Tifa ... I'm sorry." was all he can say, before looking back down again. He didn't want to look at her, and this made her think that he didn't really care even more. She lost all hope, for him to even return her feelings, and everything she said she said without thinking.

"You're sorry? ... You do know understand what i'm trying to say, right? Cloud I lo-"

"Well then you shouldn't. Not me. Not like that." he cut her off, answering her question before she can continue asking.

"Are you saying that because ... you can't return my feelings? I always though, I always hoped that maybe you would feel the same. Can you really ... not love me back?" She hated herself for asking. She sounded so desperate.

"Teef, you deserve someone better, not someone who's broken like me. I know that I promised to be your savior ... but let's face it, i'm no savior. It doesn't mean that i'll stop trying to protect you and the kids, but i'll never be enough for you." he told her, sounding guilty.

"You think that's for you to decide?! What about me? Why can't I decide who I want to love?!" she yelled back at him again. It was getting harder and harder for Cloud to think of what to say.

"Tifa, please. Just ... just forget whatever feelings you have. I'll always be here for you ... Just not like that ... It's late. I'm going to bed" he made his way to the stairs, heading back to his room, but he was stopped when he got close. Tifa ran towards him and hugged his back. She put her arms around his torso, hugging him as tight as possible, crying on his back.

"You're my world, Cloud. You're my life. You can't love me back, fine, but at least just accept that that's what I feel!" she pleaded, hating herself more for every time she tried to persuade him.

"Is that really a life you want to live in? I'm broken. I can't be fixed. I'll always be broken." he said, standing still.

'Broken ... huh?' Tifa thought.

"Is it ... Aerith? Do you still love her? Is that why you can't love me back? Is that why you can't even just accept that this is how I feel, whether you'd return my feelings or not?" she asked, feeling herself get weaker.

Cloud didn't know how to respond. He wasn't sure what the reason was himself, besides wanting to protect Tifa from the hurt he could cause.

"This isn't about her ... I just ... I don't want you to live in this kind of life I have. This isn't what you'd want. I'm sorry, Tifa. You're my family, Teef, but I don't think I can ..." he took her arms and pulled them away from him, but still remained standing on his position.

Tifa was already too broken. No matter what he said, she already knew clearly at this point that Cloud would never reciprocate her feelings, nor will he accept that they'll always exist. She was tired, and she feels like she'll break into pieces at any moment. She had no choice but to accept the truth. She was getting too tired of fooling herself. It had to stop, she's had more than enough. She could only look down the floorboards, standing in front of Cloud's back, trying to stop her tears.

"...Alright. I understand. You're right ... Let's just forget it ... It doesn't matter anyway, right? Just forget anything I said ..."

"Tifa, I hope you find a better life to live, anything is better than me"

"Will you ... leave us again?" Tifa hesitantly asked, but she needed to know. If he did choose to leave, she wouldn't want him to just leave without a word again.

"Do you want me to?"

"No. I only wanted you to accept that I had these feelings, but I won't force you. I also don't want you to blame yourself. I guess just forgetting will make it easier for you. This is your home, just as much as it's Marlene's, Denzel's, mine, and everyone else's."

"I won't leave Teef. I promised. It's a promise I intend to keep ... And nothing will change. We'll always ... be a family."

"I hope so, Cloud. I hope so."

She finally got herself together, accepting what he wanted to happen. She was just glad he wasn't going to leave. At least, even if he doesn't acknowledge it, he knows what her feelings are. At least he wants to try and be normal. That was enough, even though she basically died more than once on the inside because of this conversation.

"You should eat something first. I know you don't eat out a lot. I left you some food in the fridge. You can just heat it up. I'll go to bed. Goodnight, Cloud." without giving him a chance to respond, she passed by him and rushed back to her room. She was probably going to cry herself to sleep, but she'll do this knowing she at least tried and opened up to him.

Author's Note:

Well, here it is!

What an angsty chapter, huh?

It'll only get angstier (Yes, I am aware that angsty and angstier aren't correct, but that's how I say them) from here on out haha.

I can't say it'll get better, that'll be a spoiler (but yes, it will be, I hope. If I don't change my mind! hahahaha).

I had school, so I had to skip writing for a day.

I'm graduating from college soon, so I might get busy from time to time.

Thank you to everyone who has followed this story, and sent their reviews!

I'm not after them specifically. I really do love Cloti, and that was the reason why I wrote this story.

I'm glad some people actually enjoy it.

Even if just one single person did, I'd still continue this story.

I'm just glad to see technical responses. It'll help me improve.

But I really appreciate all of these responses though! Thank you!

I am aware there will be typographical errors, like what I said before.

I'm really sorry for that. I type the story on my iPad, and transfer it to my computer.

It just misses my attention. I will get back to them from time to time, but I still can't promise I'd get it all right. My attention span is really bad hahahaha.

Well, that's it for now. Tell me what you think, or what I can improve!

Also, if you have suggestions, because as I said, even though I already have the whole story planned out things can still change. Depends on my mood.