I do not own Naruto nor make any money from this.
Pein's little temper tantrum was inspired by The Offspring's "Come Out And Play", an Akatsuki song if ever I heard one. I could definitely see Tobi popping up and singing, "Ya gotta keep 'em separated."
Enjoy!
Ain't Karma A Bitch: 3
Black shaggy hair covered the face of a pale young man who examined the darkened hallway before him. The last thing the Akatsuki leader remembered, he was in the midst of a heated battle with the Kyuubi jinchuuriki and things were going to plan. Then it all started going south.
Blinking in confusion, the young man peered from behind the mess of black hair to see a simple-looking door in front of him with a "P" on the plated sign. Stepping forward, he was about to knock on the door when her heard a happy-go-lucky call out to him from behind.
"Ahhh, Pein-san! I didn't expect to see you so soon. How nice," Tobi came bounding from behind the surprised young man. The mysterious nin's infectious cheer could be seen through the flowing Akatsuki cloak and orange swirly mask.
Pein looked around to see if any more Akatsuki were going to magically appear then turned to nod respectfully to Tobi, "Madara-sama, why are you here?"
The nin cocked his head to one side and shrugged, "Shit happens, Pein-san! Why don't we go inside and see if anyone else is here!"
The young man was about to ask Tobi if he knew exactly where "Here" was, when the hyper shinobi kicked the door to reveal a strange waiting room filled with tables and chairs. The occupants of these chairs swung around in their seats when they heard the entrance burst open.
The masked shinobi searched the room filled with surprised Akatsuki to recognize one guy in particular, the one who would always hold a special place in his heart, "DEIDARA-SENPAI!"
"Oh fuck no!" The blonde man cringed as he spun back around and dumped his head into the paperwork. A Swearing form popped in mid-air to lightly land on top of his head. Shaking his blond head, Deidara growled and put it with the others.
Pein stepped through the doorway and nearly knocked over a tall ladder set up next to a wall.
"Careful, son," said a man in white overalls and workman's cap, "I'm still working on this box here, so don't tip me over."
The young man was about to automatically go into his speech that he was "God" and that he could do whatever the hell he wanted. Then cold logic reminded him that like all the other Akatsuki before him, he was quite dead.
'And Gods aren't supposed to die,' grimaced the no longer delusional young man. A migraine immediately seared through his brain and the Akatsuki leader's hands gripped his head in an effort to keep under control. Staring at their slightly unstable Leader, everyone glanced at one another, making a silent agreement to stay out of Pein's way when the young man went totally insane.
Ignoring Pein's megalomania obvious struggle with Nagato's sanity, Tobi trot his way through the aisle and waved happily at the rest of the Akatsuki. When the orange nin walked by, they just gave non-committal grunts of greeting then quickly went back to work.
Kisame leaned over to Itachi, who was respectfully nodding to his elder, "I can't believe Tobi actually survived this long. That is one lucky son of bitch. Dah, man!" Kisame grumbled as he started filling out another Swear form.
The younger Uchiha scoffed as he returned to his files, "Lucky or not, he's still dead."
He eyed the back of the supposedly most powerful Uchiha in shinobi history, 'So much for power, huh, Madara-sama.'
Tobi hopped up to sit on the corner of the table where Deidara was working and made himself comfortable next to his former partner, "Isn't great we're back together again, Senpai?"
The Iwa-nin groaned and rubbed his temples as he felt a huge headache coming on, "Damn it! I was supposed to long gone before he showed up, un."
"Hmmm, Senpai, there seems to be a couple people missing," Tobi's mask twisted back and forth to search the room, "Where are Sasori-sama and Konan-chan?"
Pein's hands pulled from his head and the young man looked around for his teammate, "Konan isn't here?"
"Uh oh," chorused the five shinobi and their eyes started searching for possible emergency shelters.
Then they all heard a pair of footsteps coming down the hall from the back room. One set was the clear clicks of a woman's high heels. The other was the sound of heavy sandals staggering along, occasionally stopping to rest for some unknown reason.
"Are ya' sure you won't take that coffee, hon," echoed a nasally female voice from the hall, "It'd give ya' a nice jolt and wake you up in a jiffy!"
"NO," screamed Sasori as he rushed into the waiting room to see the other Akatsuki staring at him, "I mean... I'm fine without it, Gladys. Thank you." The look of terror was replaced with wooden indifference, as Sasori returned to his seat all the while ignoring Itachi's knowing smirk. The pink-haired secretary sauntered in after Sasori with a slight spring in her step and with a big grin on her face, removed one form from the redhead's folder.
She did a double-take at Tobi and Pein then clapped happily before yelling back down the hall, "Hey Maureen! Look alive, we've got two more souls here. Why don't you come up here, sonny."
Still rubbing his temples, Pein narrowed his co-circular pupils at the strange woman and held his ground while Tobi scooted off the table for the secretary's desk.
"Okay then," shrugged the pink-haired woman, "Sorry for the delay, fellas. Sasori and I were having a private meeting." She blew a kiss at the redhead, who ducked into his paperwork, narrowly avoiding the floating valentine.
"The name's Gladys and that's Maureen in the back," she gave the masked nin a wink then sat down at her desk, "Give me a sec to gather your files then we'll have you on your way."
Nodding amicably, Tobi ran over to the Puppet-master and wiggled a gloved pinky finger, "I didn't know that Sasori-sama had a girlfriend! That must've been some trick you pulled since Little Sasori's been missing for years now."
Most of the Akatsuki burst into a fit of giggles, while the redhead openly gaped and pointed an accusing finger at Tobi, "How the fuck did you know that? Did you tell him?" Sasori glared at a stone-faced Itachi, who merely rolled his eyes in annoyance. Then the furious redhead turned to Kisame, Kakuzu, and Hidan.
All three shook their heads while Hidan sneered, "Like we'd tell the world that one of the Akatsuki is a dickless wonder. If some outsider found out, we'd never live the shame down!"
"Well," spoke up the repairman as he climbed down the ladder, "I just need to get replacements for some of these wires from my workshop then I'll get outta your hair." He spared Sasori a pitying glance before walking past a frowning Pein and out of the waiting room.
With his humiliation complete, Sasori dropped his head onto the table, but had to straighten back up when Tobi tapped him on the back.
The orange nin handed one more paper to the redhead, "I believe this is yours, Sasori-sama!"
"Perfect! Just fu-", Catching himself in time, the poor man took a deep breath to keep his temper under control and snatched the form, "Just perfect!" He quickly scribbled through the last three forms in record time and placed it on his enormous finished pile.
"Done!" Sasori made several trips to shove all the files onto the secretary's desk and just as he placed the last paper there was a distinct ping from her monitor followed by the ominous sound of the computer winding down.
Gladys hit a few keys and pressed the restart button only to hold up empty hands, "Oh sorry, hun. Don't know what happened, but the system went down and we'll have to wait for the problem to be fixed."
The redhead gaped at the shrugging woman, "You can't be serious!"
A blond beehive peeked from around the corner of the hallway, "Looks like you'll have to make a call to IT, luv!"
"I know, Maureen, I know," groaned Gladys, "Man! I hate those guys!"
"What about him, un," piped up Deidara, "He's a repairman." Everyone looked for the man in white overalls who had yet to return from his workshop.
The pink-haired woman shook her head as she cradled the phone on her neck, "Ah nah, hun. He's just a regular repairman. We need IT to fix this problem."
Tobi scratched the dark hair sticking out from his mask, "What's IT?"
"Information Technology," piped up Maureen nonchalantly, "They're supposed to be basic computer support."
Gladys snickered into the receiver, "I wish! As far as I'm concerned IT stands for Infernal Torment. Who do you think invented these blasted things?"
"This can't be happening," whispered Sasori as he stared into space for a few seconds then threw his hands in the air, "I can't believe this IS HAPPENING!" He spun back around and began shouting at the dark monitor.
"You god-damn stupid piece of shit! How could you fucking die on me now," The redhead screamed a continuous stream of obscenities while all the Akatsuki glanced at one another. They calmly sat from behind Sasori's tirade and noticed there was a distinct lack of Swearing forms that should be appearing around the Puppet-master.
Hidan smirked happily, "Well, alright! It's about time I caught a break and now we can curse all we want!"
Kakuzu sighed impatiently and kept on writing, "Hidan, you realize that you've stopped swearing entirely... Even when you knew that you could."
"Seriously?" Hidan scratched his white blond hair and started throwing out words, "Heck! Fudge! Sugar! Awww man." The poor man repeatedly slapped his forehead in frustration to find that his brain had been completely rewired.
Everyone turned back to Sasori who was now channeling the old Hidan, "Sure you work when that super-bitch was here, but when it's my damn turn, you fucking roll over and play dead!" Sasori swung a furious fist in the air and dropped it on top of the CPU.
There was a soft rumble from the box that grew steadily as the fans started up and everyone smiled to see the screen light up once more.
"ALRIGHT!" Sasori raised his hands in triumph and looked up in time to see a snowstorm of papers dump right on his head. All the Akatsuki quietly watched a huge pile of files accumulate over Sasori, burying him completely in his own words with palms sticking out of the top.
Hidan gave Kakuzu a happy slap on the back, "This time it wasn't me!"
Ignoring the buried Sasori who was openly crying into his papers, Gladys perked up and turned her attention back to the job. She reached into her file cabinet and dumped a couple of stacks on her desk.
"Now that we're back online, just let me officially welcome ya' fellas to Purgatory. The both of you will need to fill out these forms in triplicate then turn them in for processing. When you're done a suitable afterlife will be chosen for you according to the information provided. The others can show you where the bathroom is and if you need a snack there's back room down the hall. Let's see, first I have files for a... Tobi, is it? Hmmm, for some reason there's this other name on the label."
"Thank you so much, Gladys," interrupted the masked nin as he scooped up the files and hurried to a seat next to Deidara, "I'll get to work right away. See, Tobi's a good boy!"
The pink secretary smiled sweetly at the shinobi, "Yes, you are dearie. And now I have files for Nagato-and-or-Pein. My, my, my, today is full of aliases!"
The lonely "Leader" had been contemplating his options since he entered the lobby and when he realized that he had none, walked up the aisle to have Gladys dump a load of files into his arms.
"Woman..."
Not quite believing their ears, everyone looked up from their writing to see Pein glaring down Gladys, who frowned and snapped her gum, "Ya'... Sssonny."
"I demand to know where Konan is," Pein ignored the gasps followed by harsh whispering from behind and waited for the secretary to answer.
Already irritated at the outright disrespect, Gladys slowly blew out a pink bubble as she contemplated whether or not to tell this nutter anything.
Noticing the frantic reactions of his fellow Akatsuki and the threatening glare Gladys was giving Pein, Tobi hopped up from his seat to diffused the dangerous situation, "Awww Leader-sama, you must really miss Konan-chan. I always thought you had a soft spot for the girl."
Hearing Tobi's sentiment, Gladys tilted her head in amusement, "Well I didn't peg you for a romantic, but lucky for you, I am. Miss Konan has already finished her paperwork and was sent back to Earth for her next life."
"She's gone," Pein's voice softened ever so slightly, "Konan left without me?"
Zetsu spoke up with comforting words, "She didn't have much choice, Leader-sama. It was either reincarnation or staying here with Hidan and Itachi hitting on her all the time."
Chairs went screeching across the floor as Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, and Kakuzu grabbed whatever papers they could before making a beeline for the back room. Poor Hidan and Itachi found themselves frozen in their seats, fearful that if they so much as twitched a muscle a whole new world of PEIN would be unleashed upon them.
As Pein stood quietly to fully contemplate what he had just heard, Tobi curiously watched the others flee down the hall and looked over at Zetsu, who was having a one-sided conversation with his other half.
"Look, you had to open your big fat mouth," said his dark side as he picked up the files, "Now it's time to get the fuck out of here!"
His lighter side sighed as he picked up a new paper that popped in front of him then walked down the hall, "I was only trying to help."
"Yeah, the next time you wanna help, un," Deidara's shouts could be heard from the break room, "Shut yer' trap!"
Gladys got up from her chair and yelled down the hall, "Hey Maureen! This looks like it's gonna be fun. Get the popcorn going!"
Tobi calmly stood up and trotted over to the secretary's desk, "Oh that sounds good right about now. May I join you?" Gladys smiled and waved for him to pull a chair next to her.
When he finally came to a decision, Pein replaced his files on the closest table and turned around. The pitch black hair may have been covering his strange eyes, but Itachi and Hidan could feel the cold fury emanating from the unstable man. The young Uchiha wisely remained stoic, already planning the next forty maneuvers to save his hide from being carved inside and out. On the other hand, Hidan was twitching in his chair, ready to take off at a moment's notice.
True to form, the slighted alpha male focused on the fidgeting shinobi who was freaking from Pein's imminent attack, "How dare you... How dare either one of you to sully 'God's Angel' with your worthless pick ups and pathetic fawning!"
Hidan rose of his chair and waved his palms in a placating manner, "Come on, Leader-sama! You know me. I'm always horny as a dog. Stupid me will hit on anything with boobs and a skirt-""
"Good idea," Pein lifted a hand and summoned a shinobi that brought out a three-headed hell hound.
"NO WAIT! I didn't mean it like that," Hidan threw his scythe at the dog. "Fetch Fido," he screamed as he tried to make a run for the bathroom, but was dragged back by a terrifying paw, "Aw Shiiii-iiiit-" The snarling hell hound tossed Hidan around like a chew toy then each head proceeded to tear it's own piece to play with.
Maureen made it in time with the popcorn to catch a bloodied noggin in the huge bowl, "Lookie here, Gladys," said the beehive blond as she held up Hidan's scowling cranium, "I can't remember the last time I got head!"
Tobi cracked up as he lifted Hidan's head in both hands, "That was very rude, Hidan-Senpai! You got blood all over the food. Now Maureen will have to get some more."
"You know he's right, luv. Why don't we go to the back," The blond grinned while picking up the bowl and walked away with Hidan's violet eyes bugging out.
"No," the head pleaded as Maureen carried him to the Back Room, "I beg you. Throw me back to the dogs!"
Now that the annoying foul-mouth out of the way, Pein turned his attention to the real challenge, "Uchiha!"
Itachi's Sharingan was already activated, but he wasn't sure how it would fare against the dreaded Rinnegan, 'Time to find out.'
A bald shinobi with eyes matching it's master's appeared, lifted his left arm and fired it at Itachi. The young Uchiha flickered and dodged the flying arm rocketing around the room.
Gladys squealed happily to see Itachi dance about the lobby, displaying why he was a shinobi worthy of so many murder files, "Woo! You go, handsome! Uh oh." She and Tobi ducked when the arm-missile missed Itachi and headed straight for them.
Maureen hurried into the lobby with fresh popcorn in one hand and Hidan's head in the other, "What'd I miss?" Tobi jumped onto Maureen helping her narrowly dodge Pein's missile jutsu, but knocking the "Immortal" shinobi's head back into the fray.
"Careful Itachi, watch the hair! Watch the hair!" The young Uchiha could care less about Hidan, but he needed room to move so he gave the screaming head a kick right into the middle mouth of the three headed dog.
Tobi popped up for second to raise both arms, "GOOOAL", before diving down to avoid the arm-missile again.
After the dog gulped down the screaming head, the bits and pieces that once was Hidan dissolved into chakra to be re-assembled outside in the dark hallway.
As fast as Itachi was, he found himself hard pressed to keep up with all the summons attacking him and his genjutsu was rendered useless, because Pein made sure to have his summons avoid looking directly at the young man. Soon the air was filled with dust and broken plaster from the missed hits, allowing the young Uchiha to hide upside down on the ceiling.
'I've got only one shot at this and if it doesn't work, I'm fucked,' Itachi switched his pupils into the Mangekyou then closed his eyes. After a few seconds, his eyes snapped open to release the Amaterasu at the insane Pein. There was a direct blast of black fire from the upper corner, barely giving the Akatsuki leader enough time to call upon one more summon.
When the room cleared from dust and smoke, Pein stood behind a large shinobi that soaked up the powerful jutsu like a sponge.
Itachi pressed his lips into a thin frown, "I'm fucked."
With a bowl of popcorn passing between hands, three heads with pink, black, and blond hair peeked out over the top of the secretary's desk. Tobi, Gladys, and Maureen watched the horrifying scene, wincing in sympathy with each progressing torture Pein put the young Uchiha through.
"I must say," quipped Maureen to Tobi, "Work has been quite exciting since you lads showed up!" The three spectators looked beyond the gory mess that was once Uchiha Itachi when they heard the door open in the midst of Pein's tirade.
Groaning from a massive headache and god-awful memories of a canine digestive system, Hidan stumbled into the lobby only to see a flying fist zone in on him, "Oh shi-"
The arm-missile exploded on contact, sending a blasted Hidan back into the dark hallway. Just before he lost complete consciousness, he barely registered a presence stepping over him and reaching for Purgatory's front door.
"You boys are really good at making a mess," sighed the repairman.
By the time the violet-eyed shinobi woke up, he saw a sulking Itachi picking himself up from the floor.
"Whoa," Hidan rolled over and shakily pushed himself up, "I haven't suffered that much in fuckin' forever... Cool!"
Itachi sent an annoyed glare at the fired up masochist then stared at the lobby door, deciding whether or not to chance entering. The door opened for them anyways and Tobi's head peeked out.
"You can come in now," the masked shinobi waved them inside excitedly, "Maureen gave him something to eat and Pein-san is feeling much better now."
The two men walked inside to see Pein lounging in a chair with his feet on a table and slowly munching on popcorn, while Gladys stroked the Akatsuki leader's dark hair.
"Sonny here was missing his girl. Not to mention, his blood sugar was a little low," Then the pink secretary cooed, "Poor baby was just having a bad day."
"He was having a bad day," squealed Hidan as he pointed to Pein, "What about us?"
"He had to take it out on somebody," shrugged Gladys and went back to her desk, handing a flabbergasted Itachi and Hidan folders for "Disturbing the Peace in a Celestial Office".
Noticing the lack of destructive noises, the rest of the Akatsuki trickled into the lobby with curious looks on their faces.
"We just got our new folders, un," said Deidara as everybody sat down in their regular seats, "So we figured it was safe to come back."
Kakuzu looked around the restored office and gave the man in white overalls a nod, "You're good. It sure would've been nice to have someone else give me the patch up job when I needed it."
Placing a filled out form onto the finished pile, Kisame sneered at the Waterfall shinobi, "I heard what the Leaf nin did to ya' and not even the Godaime could patch you up!"
Working hard to keep his temper under control, Kakuzu had to settle with glaring and flipping off the Mist nin.
"Well, I'm done here, Gladys," said the repairman as he screwed the speaker back together, "Just let me hit the switch and I'll head out. The speaker might be a tiny bit noisy, but leave it alone and everything will work itself out."
Itachi raised a suspicious eyebrow when he noticed the repairman put in some earplugs before turning on the Celestial Censor.
The repairman flipped the switch and quickly walk out the door with ladder in tow. Everyone watched the box crackle and sputter before it decided to make up for lost time.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
All the Akatsuki threw their arms over their ears in an effort to block the high pitched wailing, while Gladys sighed and pulled headphones over her pink hair. Kakuzu followed her example and unraveled his strings to stick into his ears, before returning to work.
"Someone shut that thing up," yelled Kisame.
Deidara noticed the shark nin shouting something, but had a little trouble reading the guy's lips, "What, un? What did you say?'
Kisame tried again, "I said for someone to get that fucking thing to shut up!"
Deidara shook his head, "Sorry, Kisame! I just can't hear you. Someone needs to shut that fucking thing up, un!"
"Look," yelled Sasori to his partner after finishing another file, "It's going to keep going until it's finished censoring all the swear words since Hidan broke it! Each new curse is going to make this last longer! All you have to do is shut up!"
"What did you say, Sasori-sama" shouted Tobi, who for some odd reason was just happily sitting in his chair and not covering his ears like everyone else, "That shitty thing is just too fucking loud!"
Both Sasori and Deidara wanted to jump out of their seats and strangle the cheerful dude, but that would have left their eardrums exposed to the whiny siren.
Itachi caught Hidan's attention and thumbed meaningfully at the box. Giving the young Uchiha a nod, the blond man cracked his knuckles in preparation to take on his nemesis and reclaim his title as the filthiest mouth in all the five shinobi nations. Hidan stood up and walked to the corner where the box was located. He pulled up a chair, cupped his hands up to his face, and shouted out the longest string of swear words his twisted mind ever came up with.
After trying to keep up with Hidan's talented tongue for five minutes, the Censor couldn't take any more abuse and burst into flame, giving out one last -EEP!
Once again free from the damn thing, the whole room filled with loud sighs of relief and the proud Hidan bowed for the standing ovation given by Gladys and Tobi. Then the blond shinobi picked up the new stack of Swearing papers and dumped them on Itachi's table, who nodded in acceptance. Of course everyone else received another Breaking Celestial Property folder to fill out... that is everyone, but their leader.
Sasori looked up from finishing a Swearing form and noticed that Pein's pile was not getting any bigger, but files were actually disappearing at an increasing rate.
"Uh Gladys," the redhead pointed to the pile that was working in reverse, "What's going on?"
The pink-haired secretary looked up from computer to see Pein's paperwork shrink down to one folder, "Well whaddya know! Looks like my first impression of Sonny here was right. Not exactly like that Orochimaru fella, but pretty close."
"What," Deidara's mouth dropped open then pointed at Pein, "That can't be right, un! He's our freakin' leader! He was the one giving us the orders."
Ignoring the Iwa-nin's outburst, the shaggy-haired young man placed his bowl of popcorn down on the table and calmly opened up the last folder. Inside was three forms and a postcard with a modified checklist for his most recent offenses.
After checking all the boxes and signing his name, Pein closed the folder and sat in thought, 'It's amazing what one gets away with when you play the insanity card.'
Gladys typed Nagato's name into the computer and she pointed to the screen, "Yup! His good personality canceled the other out so that's all the paperwork he has to fill out."
Zetsu perked up from his folders, "Excuse me?"
"What the hell," His darker side whispered to the lighter, "Then why are we still here?"
His lighter side shrugged, "I don't know. Why don't we ask?"
"Gladys, that can't be right," Zetsu raised a hand to get Gladys' attention, "What about us?"
The pink-haired secretary frowned and nodded, "Good point, hun. Let me take a look. Wowzer! You're right. There was a mistake. Which one would be the dominate personality then?"
Zetsu's dark side pointed to his lighter half, "That one!"
Gladys nodded and walked to the file cabinet. The Grass nin was blown away when she dumped a whole new set of folders in front of him.
"Silly me assumed your darker side was more dominate, " the secretary picked up the other files that Zetsu had almost finished, "Now I'll just go dump these in the shredder."
Panicking to see his work turned into paper snow, Zetsu waved his arms frantically, "Wait! Wait! I meant this side!"
The woman tossed the folders to the back and rolled her eyes, "Hang on." She reached into a side drawer of her desk and pulled out a strange paper. Zetsu licked his lips nervously as Gladys pressed both thumbs to the paper and watched the color change.
"Okay, hun. This spiritual litmus test should give us the answer." They waited to see the thumb prints turn the exact same shade.
"It looks like you're equally evil... In that case, " Gladys went back to her file cabinet then dumped another completely different set of folders on Zetsu's table, "Here ya' go."
Zetsu visibly wilted and whimpered at the two equally high and pitifully blank piles.
"Thank you for pointing that out dearie," said Gladys with a cheerful smile, "That was so helpful. Now let's get you on your way, Sonny."
With hope in his co-circular eyes, Pein stood up from his table and walked up to the secretary, "Now I will be reincarnated to Earth like Konan."
"Oh no honey," grinned Gladys as Maureen took his file to be processed, "Lucky you gets sent straight to your ancestors. Apparently there's some people who are eager to have a little chat with you. Six of them actually."
She hit the 'Enter' button and waved farewell to the worried shinobi who was slowly disappearing in a cloud of chakra, "But I'm sure you have a logical explanation for them."
Sasori's pencil scribbled at top speed and with a determined frown, he wrote down his signature on the very last page, "Now... I am done!" He proudly dumped the folders in front of Gladys then gave the computer a hard thump when it attempted to blink off.
"Ouch!"
The redhead blinked then narrowed his eyes before biting down a finger. The genjutsu fell around him and Sasori glared at Tobi who was rubbing his poor noggin.
"Tobi! Why were you hiding as the computer?"
The embarrassed shinobi scratched the back of his head and walked back from the desk, "Tobi didn't want you to know that you were filling out his paperwork."
"WHAT?" Sasori grabbed Tobi's shirt and shook him violently, "Don't tell me I've been doing your folders this entire time."
The cheerful man shook his head, "Oh no, Sasori-sama. You've been doing everybody else's too! I think ever since Itachi-san got here." The shaking redhead heard several coughs and grumbles from behind him.
"Baka! You had to ruin it for the rest of us, un," mumbled Deidara as he stuffed more popcorn in his main mouth.
"Did any of you do a lick of work," Sasori spun around to see the other Akatsuki enjoying a game of poker then he saw his pile. The one that he should have been working on the entire time. The fucker was humongous.
"Oh fuck me," choked Sasori. Everyone nodded happily and continued their game. Then the redhead saw one more Swearing form gently float down to his hand. At the end of his rope, Sasori crushed the offending piece of paper in his shaking palm, nearly drawing blood from his digging nails.
"THAT'S IT!" His hands blurred in a series of seals and after a huge cloud of smoke, the room filled with puppets, ready to do their master's bidding. All he had to do was wiggle his fingers.
Tobi waved one hand, "Uh Sasori-sama. Fighting will just give you more papers to fill out."
A wicked sneer curled on the Puppet-master's lips as he twitched his fingers. All the puppets reached deep into their cloaks then drew out pencils, pens, and various other writing implements. Sasori raised his arms and cracked the reins to his army. Chakra-guiding hands and arms flailing, the puppets dove into the huge pile of folders and in a matter of minutes, the papers had been filled out then handed over to an overwhelmed Maureen.
Huffing and puffing, Sasori nearly fell over in exhaustion, but managed to stagger towards Gladys' desk, "There... I... Am... Done!"
Gladys nodded and smiled at the redhead, "Yes, you are, hon. And now I can send you onto the next life on the list. One Konohakagure aphid, coming right up."
Sasori nearly jumped for joy, "YES! I'm going to be an aphid! An aphid? I'm gonna be a cow?"
Just as he dissipated into glowing chakra, Sasori cried out loud, "Wait a minute, I changed my mind! FUCK!"
After Sasori of the Red Sand disappeared, Kisame crossed his arms in thought, "OI! How come Sasori wasn't pulled back when we all clearly head him swear?"
Gladys sighed and continued setting up the program for the next soul, "It's a fail safe for those who have already admitted their paperwork and are in the midst of reincarnation. To ensure efficiency and smooth passage. Otherwise, we'd have all sorts of souls gumming up the works. Okay! Who wants to be next?"
Zetsu placed his cards down and walked up the aisle, "Might as well be me. Thank you for a lovely stay, Maureen." He reached over and gave her hand a kiss.
The beehived blond blushed and giggled, "Your welcome, luv."
Gladys' fingers flew over the keyboard and smiled at the Grass nin, "Looks like your next life will be a bonsai tree." With a happy wave, she hit 'Enter'.
The dark side of Zetsu frowned to himself, "A bonsai tree? B-but bonsai are boring!"
"At least it'll be a quiet and calm existence," sighed the lighter side as he disappeared for his new life.
"Okay," Gladys looked up from her computer, "Next?"
Before anyone could protest, Kakuzu scooped up the pot of money on the table and rushed to Gladys, "That'll be me."
"Alright then," the pink-haired secretary looked down the list and nodded, "The south seas will soon be receiving a new squid. Good luck, hun!"
The Waterfall nin grumbled as he resigned himself to a pitiful life, "As long as I don't end up as shiokara or calamari, I'll be fine."
Hidan shook his head as he watched his partner turn into a cloud of chakra, "Money-grubbing cheat just grabbed the cash. Didn't even think that he wouldn't be able to spend it. Oh well, my turn!"
The blond man walked up to Gladys then gave Maureen a glare, "I could say that it's been nice meeting you... but it hasn't." The women just snickered at the petulant man and continued their jobs.
"It looks like you qualified for the blowfish slot," said Gladys and waved, "Bye bye, hon!"
As he dissolved away, Hidan furrowed his brow in thought, "A blowfish, huh. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll get sliced up for fugu nigori! Hell yeaaaaah..."
Deidara jumped up when the chakra finished floating away, "Let's get this over with, un! So what do I get?"
Gladys looked down the list, "A frog, but don't worry hon. It says here that you'll be constantly surrounded by many beautiful nude women and die happily."
The Iwa-nin drooped as he disappeared, "But what's the point of being with beautiful babes if I'm a damn frog, un!"
When Deidara was gone, Gladys took a closer look to the file, "Oh wait. He doesn't die happily. He dies hiccuping."
Tobi scratched the top of his head, "But frogs don't hiccup. They croak."
Giggling, Maureen gently ribbed Tobi with an elbow, "This one's gonna do both!"
Shaking his head, Kisame sighed then looked over at his partner, "Well, I guess this is it, Uchiha. Do you mind if I go ahead?"
Itachi tilted his head in respect, "Be my guest, Hoshigaki." The young man watched the Mist nin make his way up to where Gladys waited.
"I'm prepared for anything," said Kisame proudly, "Hit me!"
Gladys smiled in admiration and hit the 'Enter' button, "I don't know if you really are, but you sure do have guts!"
Kisame's sharp teeth glinted as a grin spread across his face and he saluted a farewell to Itachi, who did the same to the cloud of chakra.
As the younger stood up, Itachi caught a somber Tobi's attention, "We made a good run, did we not, Madara-sama?"
The older Uchiha leaned against the desk and nodded grimly, "That we did, boy."
Resigned to his new fate, Itachi turned to the pink-haired secretary, "Go ahead. I don't care what it is. I'm ready."
Hitting the keyboard, Gladys gave the young man a wink, "I'm gonna miss ya' handsome, but lotsa luck out there."
Itachi resisted rolling his eyes and politely bowed to the woman before he also disappeared for his new life.
Maureen walked up to her co-worker's desk, "So what lives did those fellas get anyways?"
"Well then, I'll show ya'," Gladys perked up and switched her screen to another window, "Let's see Hoshikagi Kisame... Yup, here we go!"
Tobi looked over the women's shoulders and pointed at the video loading, "Youtube?"
Gladys nodded excitedly, "Oh yeah, hun! Youtube is everywhere!"
When she switched the video to full screen, the three of them watched a weird looking man in green spandex and orange leg warmers running along the ocean waves.
"YOSH! What a beautiful and youthful day," Gai was so excited about his new training routine, he didn't notice a shark fin rise to the water surface. Whoever took the video, appropriately added a movie soundtrack to the shark's movement.
DA-DUM... DA-DUM... DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM!
Gai swung around in time to see a huge shark open it's gigantic jaws to swallow him whole. He blurred away to safety in time then proceeded to beat the shit out of the marine animal.
The shark had one last look shock on it's face before Gai delivered the killing blow, "Hmmm. I swear I've seen this face before, but I can't seem to place it!"
"Oooh, ooh, now find Itachi-san," said Tobi as he bounced around the desk, "I want to see what happened to him."
Gladys punched up another Naruto episode where a Bikouchuu beetle had just been caught for the express purpose of finding one Uchiha Sasuke.
"Hurry, Naruto-kun," whispered a young Hyuuga girl as the boy was desperately reaching for a scratched up hitai-ate, then...
P-POOOOOOOOOT!
Naruto grasped the hitai-ate then turned around to see Team Eight holding their noses closed, "EH?"
Shino didn't have to say anything. He simply opened up the cage and the beetle flew straight to the blond boy's butt.
"That poor guy," said Maureen, "He's doomed to follow Uzumaki's ass for the rest of his short buggy life."
The orange nin shook his head with her, "What a sad fate for Itachi."
"Oh, I don't know," shrugged Gladys as she sneered, "Can't be that bad. Thousands of yaoi fans do it everyday." Then both women looked over their shoulders when they heard a forlorn sigh.
Tobi held up the very last Swearing form he had yet to finish, "I'm the last one now. It's too bad that I have to leave. I was having so much fun around here."
Gladys gave the pouting man a pat on the head, "It would've happened eventually, hon. Swearing will only take you so far."
Tobi took a few moments to think then a happy solution presented itself. He unhitched the orange mask from his head and shook out his gorgeous dark hair. Both women were stunned speechless to find a handsome distinguished face that rivaled even Itachi's.
With a sexy voice differing from the cheerful Tobi, Madara reached out with both hands to the drooling secretaries, "Shall we rendezvous in the Back Room?"
