Author's Note:

So here's another update to the story, and in less then a year too. I hope it's not horrible, the last one I had that whole year to keep working on it, so this one felt a little rushed. Hope you all enjoy it anyway!

Disclaimer:

I own nothing, just in case that wasn't clear.

Chapter 3:

In order to raise money to buy his special clock Bilbo had started a catering business. Unfortunately Bilbo was no good at running a catering business. The greedy hobbit was frequently out of food because he could not stop himself from "sampling" it until it was all gone.

"Oh," Nori exclaimed, "that exclaimed, "that explains why there was so little food in Bilbo's house."

"There was plenty of food," Bilbo growled, "you lot ate it all!"

"So says the sampler," Gimli laughed.

"I do not remember our burglar running a catering business when we met him," Bofur commented to Gloin.

"He probably did not want to discuss it if business was going poorly," Gloin shrugged.

One fine morning sat outside of his house, next to a large sign that read Bilbo's Big Buffet Catering. He was supposed to be working on finding new customers but instead was smoking. That is where he was when Gandalf suddenly appeared in a dramatic puff of smoke, with melodious music heralding his wonderful arrival.

"Gandalf!" Bilbo cried in joy. "I could never forget you! No one could. This is the best day ever! My heart sings with gladness. Good morning!"

Gandalf was used to such enthusiastic greetings wherever he went so the wise wizard knew how to take the greeting in stride.

"Oh Gandalf," Legolas laughed jokingly, "I am overwhelmed to see you. Can I please have your autograph?"

"Every second I am in your presence is burned into my skull like a brand," Glorfindel added. "I curse every blink because it obstructs my view of you."

"Elves," Dori snorted derisively.

"What do you mean?" Gandalf asked cleverly. "Do you mean to wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not?"

"Uhh…" Bilbo was thoroughly confused. The slow witted hobbit could not hope to follow Gandalf's witty comment.

"Gandalf seems unnaturally mean," Bofur observed.

"I do not believe we have even scratched the surface," Dori predicted gloomily.

"I am looking for someone to cater a little party I am having tonight."

"Will there be fireworks?" Bilbo asked clapping his hands together in excitement.

"Maybe," Gandalf chuckled, "do you think you can cater the party for me and thirteen followers?"

"I wonder why Gandalf refers to us as his followers," Bofur mused, "we were really following Thorin."

"You will know soon enough young dwarf," Thranduil told him gleefully. Bofur bristled at being addressed in such a way by an elf, but Gandalf continued his story before he could say anything in retaliation.

"I would do anything for you Gandalf," Bilbo said with shining eyes.

"Oh let me lick your feet Gandalf!" Frodo teased his uncle.

"You are very ungrateful," Bilbo said stiffly.

"Only because you do not love me like you love Gandalf," Frodo replied sweetly.

Bilbo hurried away to begin preparations. Gandalf used magic to mark the door and went off to get ready.

"If I knew back then what I know now," Bilbo moaned, "I would have burned the door. No, I would have burned the whole house down to avoid the later insanity."

"Are you talking about our quest?" Dori asked looking hurt.

"Of course not," Bilbo replied, "I am talking about the fanfiction. First Frodo's nightmare story, and now Gandalf's lunatic rambling."

"Fanfiction?" Bofur asked.

"What Gandalf is doing now is creating fanfiction," Elrond explained.

"It is evil," Bilbo added.

"Not when done right," Frodo said with a grin.

"Yes," Legolas agreed, "it can be-"

Gimli prevented Legolas from finishing his argument by kicking the elf in the leg fiercely. Thranduil gave Gimli an approving nod while Legolas hopped around holding his leg. Bofur, Gloin, Dori, and Nori exchanged terrified looks, not for the first time, at the behavior of the rest of the heroes.

After Gandalf left Bilbo began preparing the dinner, but then he got distracted by a butterfly, drank some ale, and smoked until he had forgotten why he had been preparing the food. Feeling hungry from his busy day Bilbo sat down to enjoy the half-made feast.

"This must be the explanation for why there was so little food," Nori said.

"No," Bilbo snapped, "I already told you that it was because dwarves ate all of my food! You dwarves are the explanation!"

"Oh look Bilbo," Thranduil laughed, "a butterfly!"

Legolas was using his hands to make the shadow of a butterfly against the wall. Many of the listeners laughed. Bilbo was not among them.

Just then Bilbo's front door was smashed down by a big strong dwarf. He marched into the house, picked up a mug of ale, and gulped it down before turning to Bilbo.

"I am Dwalin," he grunted.

"Is that really how it happened?" Gloin asked looking unsure.

"Well…" Dori thought about it.

"Maybe," Bofur shrugged.

The easily frightened hobbit assumed that Dwalin was some sort of home invader. It was mostly because of his poor manners. Dwalin sat down and began to eat. Then there was another knock at the door.

"Get the door hobbit," Dwalin snarled.

Bilbo rushed to do as he said. When he opened the door a doddering old dwarf came in. Without saying a word to Bilbo he tottered in and began talking with Dwalin. Both dwarves ignored Bilbo, who sat down in a corner and began to cry.

"You are so brave Bilbo," Glorfindel chuckled.

"Balin was a fine warrior and a noble dwarf," Gloin said looking angry again, "this story seems highly unlikely."

When someone knocked at the door a third time Bilbo could barely bring himself to open it. There he saw two more dwarves. These two spoke and moved in unison. It even appeared as if their beards had been braided together.

"We are Fili and Kili," they said together, "we are hungry."

The two dwarves walked into the house as one. Bilbo watched them go, fuming. Before he could come up with some way to rid his house of the infestation of dwarves someone knocked on the door again. Bilbo flung it open, and saw Gandalf.

Bilbo ran over top of the pile of dwarves to hug Gandalf in relief. He was overjoyed to his most favorite being ever, and did not even mind that Gandalf had brought more dwarves into the house with him.

"I see you have met Dwalin, Balin, Fili, and Kili. These," Gandalf waved his hand to indicate the group of dwarves clustering around him adoringly, "are the rest."

"The rest!" Gloin burst out looking outraged.

"We have names you know," Dori added slamming his fist on the table.

"Dwarf names are very difficult to remember," Thranduil said, "Gandalf is probably just trying to keep his audience from being bored or confused."

"I have had just about enough of you," Gloin growled. Gimli and Legolas both attempted to steer their fathers away from each other, though the two continued to glare at each other.

"We are Gandalf's cheering squad," one of the rest who was called Gloin told Bilbo.

"Cheering squad?" Gloin repeated looking sick, forgetting about how much he hated Thranduil for a second.

Legolas laughed gleefully and grabbed a wad of napkins in each hand.

"Ra, ra! Go team Gandalf, Go!" Legolas chanted.

"I am glad someone is enjoying this travesty of a story," Gloin grumbled.

"Aw, come on," Legolas replied, "this is merely a coping mechanism." Legolas spoke to Gloin in a soothing tone, although he continued to wave the napkin pom-poms around. "C-O-P-E-I-N-G M-E-K… uh… -A-… Coping Mechanism! Yay!"

"That shrink was supposed to make you less creepy," Thranduil sighed, "not more creepy."

"The man is a shrink," Gimli pointed out, "not a miracle worker."

Even though Bilbo had not prepared the food he had promised for the dwarves, Gandalf was able to save the day. With a wave of his staff he conjured the most brilliant, mouthwatering feast ever seen in Middle Earth. The dwarves and Bilbo were moved to tears, and sang several ballads to the food before eating it.

"Ballads about food in the Shire," Elrond said thoughtfully. "That actually sounds fairly normal. It would not surprise me in the least if it had already happened before."

Bilbo and Frodo refused to meet Elrond's gaze, neither confirming nor denying the statement.

After the meal the dwarves began to throw away the paper plates and clean up the remainder of the food. They wanted to help Gandalf clean up, since he had given them such a magnificent banquet.

But for some reason this upset Bilbo, who began to whine and complain that the dwarves were destroying his priceless antiques.

"I remember that," Nori chuckled, "the look on your face was hilarious."

"It did not happen like that," Bilbo insisted stomping his foot, "there were no blasted paper plates, whatever those are."

Just then there was a knock at the door, and another dwarf arrived. Bilbo wept in horror. Gandalf introduced the last dwarf as Thorin. Thorin bowed low to Gandalf before turning to address the other dwarves.

"You all know why you are here," Thorin said.

"Oh yes," Dori replied, "it is because Gandalf is here."

"Gandalf is the greatest," Nori chimed in.

"We love Gandalf," the rest of the dwarves chorused.

Dori swore suddenly and loudly. Everyone turned to look at him in shock.

"What was that for?" Nori asked.

"I have just had an alarming insight into the man Faramir's ramblings before we entered," Dori replied.

"I still do not understand," Nori said.

"That is right," Thorin nodded, "Gandalf is awesome."

"Oh," Nori said looking sick, "I see now."

Gimli patted his arm soothingly.

"We told you so."