Alistair had been pacing for a while, making a short circuit around the campgrounds, much to the irritation of the other Grey Wardens nearby. He was trying to muster his courage, but it was proving to be more difficult than he would have expected. Many of the other Wardens had already told him to sit down, that he was making them nervous, but Alistair was having trouble keeping still. If only he could figure out the words he wanted to say, he would feel calmer. Maybe. Of course, then he would actually have to approach the man and say them.
The day the pyres had been set was spent resting by most of the people in camp, Grey Wardens as well as the king's men. For that, Alistair had been grateful. While he had little pity for the men who were hungover, he'd spent most of the night hauling bodies and removing armor, and he'd fallen asleep as soon as he stumbled into his tent. He was up early the next morning, only to find the camp bustling with activity. When he asked, he found out that there had been a message from Denerim, something about the Cousland family in Highever, and that the king was making Loghain take a group of people to go find the teyrn's son. No one seemed to know what the news was, but apparently finding Fergus Cousland was very important to the king.
He might have thought nothing of it, until he heard who Loghain was taking with him. It was mostly his own men, which surprised no one as he seemed to have no great love for the Grey Wardens. He was taking his Lieutenant, as well as three of his other soldiers, but then, he was also apparently taking Sayre. That was something no one could understand. While it made sense to take a Warden along with him, Loghain had to realize that Sayre was too new to have gained all of the benefits that came along with being a member of the order. Not only was she unable to sense darkspawn yet, but she was also basically untried. Besides Duncan, Alistair knew he was really the only other person who had seen her fight before, and while she was skilled, there were definitely other Wardens who would be better in a fight, who would also be able to sense darkspawn. It made no sense why Loghain would choose her.
There had to be something special about Sayre that he didn't know about, or at least that's what Alistair kept telling himself. He'd been the newest member of the Grey Wardens for the past few months, and no one had shown him even a small fraction of the amount of attention they were heaping on Sayre, and she'd been a Warden for less than a week. It didn't make sense why she was being singled out, getting private audiences with the king and being selected for special missions by the teyrn. Alistair knew he was being petty about it. None of the other Wardens seemed to care quite as much as he did. In fact, most of them seemed happy not to have been chosen to go along with Loghain. The idea of spending a week or more out in the Wilds with the man didn't appeal to many people, but that wasn't really the point. The point was that he was once more being passed over. He might have been able to understand why anyone else was chosen over him, but not Sayre.
Taking a deep breath, Alistair steeled himself and walked over to where Loghain was speaking with his Lieutenant. He'd never really spoken to Cauthrien before, but she had always struck him as a woman who thought quite highly of herself, and as she noticed him approaching, she gave him an amused look. She had to know he wished to speak to Loghain, but she made no move to leave them. Loghain turned to look at him only a moment after Cauthrien did, eyebrows raised.
"What is it?" Loghain demanded. "I'm very busy right now, if you haven't noticed."
"Uh, yes. Forgive my, my lord. Uh... Your Grace." Alistair glanced at Cauthrien again, who was now openly smirking at him. "I had hoped I might speak with you."
Loghain made an impatient gesture with his hand. "You are speaking to me now, though I can see that perhaps you didn't notice this fact. Well? Get on with it or leave me in peace."
Alistair did his best not to scowl. Obviously Cauthrien wasn't going to give them any privacy at all, and Loghain wasn't going to ask her to leave. Fine. "I was... well... that is... I was hoping I might accompany you on your journey, to find the teyrn's son."
"Why?" Loghain asked.
The bluntness of the question startled Alistair a little, but he did his best not to show his agitation. "I... well, I think you could use a Grey Warden in your party who..."
"I have a Grey Warden," Loghain said, arms crossed over his chest.
"Yes, but..." Alistair scrubbed a hand through his hair. "Sayre is... still new to the order. She hasn't fully developed her ability to sense darkspawn, and you might need someone who can, depending on how far out into the Wilds you have to go. I..."
"Why would I want you?" Loghain asked, peering at him.
Alistair tried not to wince. "Well, besides being able to sense darkspawn, I have been out in the Wilds before, so I know a little of the terrain, and I have some tracking abilities, from my training with the templars."
Loghain just frowned at him. After a moment, he asked, "What is your aim here?"
"My... aim? Well, to find the teyrn's son, I suppose," Alistair answered hesitantly.
"No," Loghain said, shaking his head. He spoke slowly, as if speaking to a child. "I am well aware what the purpose of this expedition is. I want to know why you wish to go."
"Oh," Alistair said, trying his hardest not to look at Cauthrien. The woman seemed much too amused by the whole conversation. "Well, I guess I just... want to feel useful. I feel like there's a lot of just sitting around going on right now, and if there's a chance to be out doing something, I'd like to be a part of it, if I can."
Then Loghain did the thing Alistair had been most hoping he wouldn't. He turned his head to look in the direction of Cailan's tent. If Loghain was going to ask the king's opinion on the matter, Alistair knew he might as well just turn around and go back to his own tent. But strangely enough, the teyrn turned to face him again, not taking a step in Cailan's direction. In fact, he almost seemed amused as well, though in not quite the same way as Cauthrien. "Very well," he said, giving him a dismissive wave of his hand. "But we leave in an hour. If you're not ready when it's time to go, you'll be left behind."
"Yes, ser," Alistair said, trying not to sound overly enthusiastic. "Thank you, ser." He hurried off to go pack his things before Loghain could change his mind, before Cauthrien could try to talk him out of letting Alistair go along, which he was sure she would try to do once he left.
As he was tearing down his tent and getting his things together, Alistair wondered if maybe he should have talked to Duncan first to get his permission. It was too late for that now, though, and he pushed it from his mind. After all, it was well known that Sayre was going along, and no one seemed to have an objection to that... other than him, of course. Alistair sighed, chiding himself for the way he was acting. It likely wasn't Sayre's fault she was getting all the attention that she was. He had just hoped that the new recruits, whoever made it through the Joining, might be someone who would possibly look up to him, ask him for advice. It seemed almost childish that he had been hoping for that. Sayre didn't need his advice or his friendship, and that was fine. But he wasn't going to just sit aside if there were things he could be doing. Especially if those things got him away from Cailan.
He had little in the way of possessions, little that he needed to take with him, so he was ready in plenty of time. His pack slung over his shoulder, adjusted just so that his sword was still accessible, he made his way over to Loghain. As he made the short trip across the camp, he saw Duncan. Knowing he still had plenty of time before the group was going to leave, he went over to him.
"Going somewhere?" Duncan asked, eying his pack.
"I'm going with Loghain," he told him. "To go search for Teyrn Cousland's son."
Duncan frowned. "I thought he was only taking Sayre with him."
Alistair's shoulders slumped a little. "He was, but... I asked if I could go with him. I figured they might need a Grey Warden who could sense darkspawn with them." He did his best not to sound too defensive.
Duncan's eyes seemed to tighten a little, but he nodded. "Quite so," he agreed. "I'm glad you were able to convince him where I was not." That surprised Alistair. Had Duncan pushed for Loghain to take another Warden with him? But before he could ask, Duncan clapped him on the shoulder. "I know you'll be careful while you're out there. Make sure the others are careful as well." He paused a moment before adding, "Maker watch over you, my boy."
Alistair gave him a grateful smile before hurrying over to where the others were already starting to gather. Sayre was there, standing apart from the others. Alistair was struck by how small she looked compared to the others, almost like a child trying to play with the adults. As soon as that thought came to him, Sayre turned her head to look at him, and Alistair looked away. It was silly, to think that somehow she might be able to read his mind, but he couldn't look at her.
"I didn't know you were coming along, too," she said, and Alistair looked over to see her standing right next to him. Even with her pack and everything she was carrying, she had still managed to move silently.
He gave her a smile, which seemed to unsettle her as it always did. He had to wonder about the life she'd lived before becoming a Grey Warden, that she never seemed to smile, never seemed to like people to smile at her. She was definitely strange. "Well, I couldn't let you have all the fun," Alistair said.
Sayre cocked her head to one side. "You're a strange man," she said, and Alistair had to laugh, considering he'd just thought the same thing about her. The laughter only seemed to startle her more. "Do you find it amusing that I find you strange?" She asked.
"I think I do," he said, still smiling at her, and Sayre just shook her head at him. "You don't really do the whole sense of humor thing, do you?" He asked.
Strangely enough, that question actually got a smile out of her. "That's what Soris... my cousin always used to tell me," she said.
It was the first time she'd talked about anything personal, and Alistair was about to ask her about her cousin, but Loghain came up to the group, clapping his hands together. "Let's go," he barked, and then he turned and began leading his way out of the camp. So much for a rousing speech to set them on their way. He hoisted his pack more solidly on his shoulders and followed after the others. Sayre walked at his side, near the rear of the group, as they set off.
The first day was spent traveling, but at a much slower pace than Alistair might have expected. Loghain and one of his men spent a lot of time staring at the ground. Alistair had tried to go forward, to offer his help, but he was quickly waved away. He ignored the smirk on Cauthrien's face as he went back to his place at the rear of the group. Apparently he was only along to provide warning if they happened on a stray group of darkspawn, he thought glumly to himself. So much for being useful.
They stopped and made camp early, as no one wanted to search for tracks in the darkening light as the sun began to set. Once the tents were set up and the food was made, everyone in the party seemed to separate into three distinct groups. Loghain and Cauthrien sat a ways off from the others, and then the rest of the teyrn's men made their own little group, leaving Alistair and Sayre by themselves. He tried to talk with her as they ate, just idle chatter that should have been innocent enough, but she seemed to grow more agitated as the sun set. When she stood up, he thought was was going to go hide in her tent, but Sayre went to fetch her weapons.
Alistair watched in silence as she checked her bow, applying a little wax to the string. Then she went through her quiver, seeming to check every arrow. Alistair knew very little about archery, so he had no idea what she was doing, but it all looked very tedious. Still, if it was what was required to be as skilled as she was, he didn't want to interrupt. He remembered watching her firing her arrows as the small groups of darkspawn or wolves had charged them, when they'd been in the Wilds before with Jory and Daveth. Her motions were so fluid, a hand pulling an arrow from the quiver on her back, nocking it, pulling and releasing, then back to grab another arrow.
"Where did you learn to shoot like that?" He asked idly, and when she looked up at him, he clarified. "I mean... like you do. I mean... who taught you to use a bow?"
"My mother," she said, turning her attention back to her arrows. Her fingers passed over each one, checking the feathers at the end. Some were pulled from the quiver for further attention, but most stayed where they were. "I guess Duncan knew her," she added, and that made Alistair sit up a little more.
"Really?" He asked.
Sayre nodded, her eyes still on the task in front of her. "I guess he wanted her to join the Grey Wardens, some years ago, but..." She shrugged.
Alistair nodded. "I'm guessing she taught you more than just how to shoot a bow, then," he said.
Sayre looked up at him, frowning a little. "Parents often teach their children more than just one thing," she said, and he grimaced.
"Well... of course. I just meant..." He shook his head. "I assume it was she who taught you how to use your blades as well," he added, and she nodded.
"Does that seem strange to you?" Sayre asked as she set her quiver aside to focus on the arrows she had pulled from it. "There is little formal training to be had in the alienage, but the skills my mother taught me were... vital for survival."
"Is the alienage such a violent place, then?" Alistair asked, imagining elves running around, dueling each other.
"It can be," Sayre replied, her voice soft. "Especially if you're not the agreeable sort."
Alistair chuckled, and the sound made Sayre look up at him again. "So I take it you're the sort who is not agreeable, then?" He asked, a smile on his face.
The smile was not returned, however. "I suppose it depends on what is being asked of me. Or demanded of me," she said, her eyes taking on a haunted look.
He wasn't sure what she meant by that, but he let it go. The look on her face made it clear she would appreciate it if he tried to get her to elaborate. "So..." He groped for a topic. It was the most he'd gotten her to talk yet, and he knew that once he'd used up the last of her patience for conversation, he'd likely be sitting by himself for the rest of the evening... or trip. "Was it hard leaving them? Your parents, I mean."
Sayre's hands stopped moving, and she looked at him, frowning once again. "What sort of question is that?" She asked. "Is such a thing ever easy? Was it easy for you?"
"I... don't really have any family to speak of," Alistair said. "So it wasn't really a matter of leaving anyone. I wasn't too particularly fond of the Chantry, so when Duncan rescued me from it, I was happy to go."
"You didn't like being a templar?" She asked.
"There were parts of it I enjoyed, I suppose," Alistair replied. "But the things I might miss are things I get here as well, with the Grey Wardens. But, you know... with a lot fewer priests."
He watched the corner of her mouth tug up in a half smile. "Hmm... I can't imagine being surrounded by priests was a particularly enjoyable experience." The smile seemed to slide away as she continued. "Sometimes we'd get a group of priests passing through the alienage. On occasion there would be one or two who actually seemed concerned with the state of things there and would try to help out, but usually they gave the impression that being there dirtied them somehow, as if touching anything, or anyone, would soil them. But they didn't come often, since few elves have the extra coin to donate to the Chantry."
As Alistair watched her work, he began to wonder if perhaps Sayre was just a little shy. With her hands busy, intent on a task that made it so she wouldn't have to maintain eye contact while holding a conversation with someone else, she was actually willing to talk. As she finished with her arrows and picked up her blades to begin sharpening them, a task he figured was probably unnecessary but gave her something to do, Alistair asked, "So, do you have any brothers or sisters?" When her hands slowed a little, he added, "I don't mean to pry or anything. I just... having no real family of my own, I guess I'm always curious about everyone else's."
"No siblings," Sayre said after a moment. "But my cousins, Soris and Shianni, were like siblings to me." Her voice seemed almost sad as she spoke of them.
"And this Soris, he's the one who says you have no sense of humor?" Alistair asked.
Sayre actually laughed at that, a light sound that seemed almost foreign coming from her lips. "Yes, although Shianni would agree with him on that. They've both always told me that I am much too serious, especially..." She hesitated a moment before continuing. "Especially since my mother died." The laughter was gone then, her eyes intent on the blade in her hands.
"Oh, I... I'm sorry," Alistair managed, not sure what else to say.
With a shrug of a shoulder, Sayre finally looked up at him, meeting his eyes. Her own eyes were strange, in a light, blue-green color that one only saw on elves. "I doubt you had anything to do with it, so there's no need to apologize. It happened years ago." She began collecting her things to her. "I'm tired, and I'm going back to my tent now," she stated. Well, they had talked longer than he might have thought would be possible with her. She turned to walk away but stopped to look at him over her shoulder. "Good night, Alistair," she said, and as she walked away, Alistair couldn't help but feel like uttering those three simple words had taken more of an effort from Sayre than any of the rest of their conversation.
She was definitely a strange woman. That was for certain.
