"So, a week ago the Death Star plans were stolen from this office. How doesn't matter…" The Emperor smiled suddenly. "Though it did involve me and this smokin' brunette. Anyway, to try and get the crew motivated to regain the plans, I am offering a $1000 prize to the person that gets it back…of course, the prize will not be money…tacky, you know, so I have to pick something out." He stroked his chin, thinking deeply. "What motivates people to hunt down their fellow man?"
"Torture?" Darth Vader asked, the camera panning back to reveal Vader standing behind the Emperor, arms crossed over his chest.
The Emperor made a disgusted face. "No no no. Something nicer…something sexier."
"Torture can be sexy." Vader replied. "I remember this time, back during the Clone Wars, Padme took out my lightsaber, and jammed it…"
"Emperor, the prisoner is here." Asajj said, entering the office.
"Prisoner, what prisoner?" The Emperor asked.
"The one I captured, my master. The Princess…I believe she has the Death Star plans, or did." Vader said.
The Emperor frowned. "Why is she here?"
"I…thought it best that we keep her here…"
"What? No…no, this isn't some sort of detention level. We can't have prisoners in here."
Asajj nodded. "I will inform the stormtroopers to move her to a cell." She left, Vader following behind her.
The Emperor nodded, scoffing at the idea of keeping a prisoner in the office. However, when he glanced out his window, he noticed the short, white dressed princess and instantly stood up. "It…wouldn't hurt to talk to her." He paused, adjusting his robes. "Uh…they were…bulging weird…"
He emerged from his office, watching as the princess talked with Vader. "Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic--"
"Don't act so surprised, Your Highness." Vader interrupted. "You weren't on any mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed from your ship by rebel spies." The camera panned over to Kurt, who was pretending to work, then to the Emperor, who mouthed "worth it". "I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."
"I don't know what you are talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."
"You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor…take her away!"
"Whoa, Vader…whoa!" The Emperor shouted, holding up his hand. "Do you have to be so rude to our guest?" He shook his head, turning towards the princess. "Don't mind him…he isn't a people person, since he really isn't a person anymore…what are you…50 machine now?"
"Guest? Is that what I am considered?" Princess Leia held up her shackled wrists. "And what are these?"
The Emperor frowned. "Did someone put you in those? Geez…talk about starting out on the wrong foot." He waved his hand, unshackling her. "Lets start over, ok? Just rewind all that unpleasantness…" The Emperor made the sound of a tape being rewound, body jerking strangely as he pretended to be going in reverse. "Ok…so I am Emperor Palpatine, this is my secretary, Asajj…you've met Darth Vader…" He nodded his head, coming to a conclusion. "Tell you what…why don't we just put you in the conference room, ok? You have an luggage?"
"Uh…" Leia said, utterly confused.
"Bring her luggage and put it in the conference room. We'll let you bunk there."
Asajj frowned. "HR has a meeting in there at 12:30."
"Well…they'll just have to do it in the detention level. Tarkin's ideas are almost criminal…" He looked at the camera. "Get it?" He coughed, Leia looking about. "Well…you can bed down here…if there is anything you need, just let me know…"
Leia shook her head. "Emperor Palpatine…the Senate will never go along with this?"
"They won't? Geez…that…that is just terrible, that they won't let you sleep where you want. You know what…I'll just dissolve them. How's that? Done deal."
"That's not what I…"
"Good thinking, Princess Leia…good thinking. Hey…why don't I give you a tour of the office, let you meet the crew!" he grinned as he waved for her to follow him. "They've never met a princess before. I use to work with a queen. You look just like her…oh my God…wouldn't it be weird if the queen I use to know was your mom?" He shook his head. "That…that would make Vader your father. Ew…on second thought, no, lets not go there." He dragged Leia over to
&&&
"I've traced the plans to her. Now she is my only link to finding their secret base." Vader said. "Now…how to talk to her…you know, it's funny…I've never really learned to talked to women. I mean, one day I was Padme's protector, the next minute we're on Naboo and she's telling me she wants it Gungan style…man, was that woman freaky in the sack…I should have never strangled her…outside of the bedroom."
&&&
"Are you worried about her being here?" Bob asked.
"No, I'm not." Asajj said.
"She's prettier then you."
"…that…was very rude."
"…she also has hair."
"As was that."
Bob nodded. "…I like hair."
&&&
"This is Kurt…great guy, everyone loves him."
Leia shifted uneasily. "H-hello Kurt."
"Hello Le…er…Princess." Kurt reached out, removing a photo of him and Leia, dressed in shorts and t-shirts, faces painted with stars and clovers…and a red ballon, standing behind a clown and a banner reading "Rebel Alliance 10th Annual Picnic".
&&&
"Its wonderful for the Emperor to have someone new to…interact with." Asajj said with a coy smile.
"She's still prettier then you." Bob said as he walked by.
"I know!" Asajj called back, muttering under her breath.
&&&
"Here…is Grand Moff Tarkin. He is in charge of Human Resources on the Death Star. So, if a guard beats you too much, Tarkin here can file some paperwork." The Emperor laughed. "no, seriously, you won't be beaten that badly." Princess Leia just stared at him in horror. "You know what…I can see Tarkin is making you nervous. He makes me nervous too. Why don't we just go back to the conference room." He placed a hand on Leia's back, the princess shrugging it away. "See Tarkin…you made her nervous. That's why we have you no where near the door."
&&&
In the lunchroom, Durge was seated next to Asajj, a bare finger made of fibrous tissue quickly assimilating a cheeseburger. "So, Piett, what ya think of the new prisoner? Pretty hot, huh?"
"Yea, I guess."
"What are you, gay? Come on, you have to hit that." Durge laughed.
"Not really my type." Piett answered, all the while staring at Assaj.
"Well, what is your type?" Durge asked.
Piett thought it over, taking a bite of his turkey club. "Uh…jawas. Dark hoods, glowing eyes…small hands."
"oh, I hear that." Bob said. "Never feel bigger then when you're with a jawa."
"That's disgusting." Durge muttered, watching as Princess Leia walked into breakroom, flanked by two clones, grabbing a candy bar from the vending machine. "Man…I would knock those buns right off that girl's head if I weren't saddled with Asajj." The secretary stared at her fiancée as he bragged. "Hey Asajj…you know, I hear in prison, women will sometimes turn all lezzie and stuff…maybe you should…I don't know…talk to her."
Asajj stood up in disgust.
"What…you're always saying I need to try new people and meet new things!" Durge called out. "You'd be there…three way, baby…three way!"
&&&
"I'm just saying, you need to act quick." Piett said.
Vader nodded. "She's been talking to the Emperor a lot."
"You want to win that prize, right?"
"Definitely."
&&&
"I could definitely use the money." Vader said. "I want to install a Wii controller in my arm…play some Mario Galaxy…maybe see what the fuss about Twlight Princess is all about…"
&&&
"How can I get her to open up?" Vader asked.
Piett shrugged. "You had a wife…"
"I didn't have sex with my mother."
Piett frowned. "Huh?" He asked, pretending to have forgotten that joke. "That…that is just…man, if you don't want my advice…"
"No no…please…" Vader asked.
"Ok." Piett said with a grin. "What you need to do is treat her like a wife. Like you treated your wife. What made her listen to you? Maybe…I don't know…go buy her a ton of jewelry, or get dressed up in a suit and offer to take her dancing…"
Vader stood up. "I know just the thing."
&&&
"I really don't know what is going on." Leia said. "Like…why I am in an office…or why there are cameras around…or why that guy keeps staring at me." The camera panned to reveal Creed, his chair right next to the window of the conference room, just staring at Leia. "Maybe I died…and this is Hell. Hell is an office building where the Emperor is the boss."
&&&
"Perhaps I should use the bathroom…"
Piett shook his head. "It takes you 4 hours to get out of your armor to use the bathroom. Trust me, I've waited behind you at the urinal. Every second you wait is a second someone else gets the info from her…just go."
Vader nodded, steeling himself and marching towards the conference room. As he did, Piett hurried over to Asajj's desk, hanging up her phone.
"This is going to be good." He said with a grin. As Vader entered, Piett began to narrate in a whiny british voice. "hello there, I'm RoboCop's ugly brother. You see, I'm here because I heard that pretty things look better next to hideous things, and I thought that would make us the best coup…" Piett froze as Vader motioned for the torture droid to come in. "…le…."
"Oh no…" Asajj whispered.
"Oh no no no…" Piett stammered as Vader shut the blinds. "Don't…don't…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Piett and Asajj stared at each other, eyes wide as Leia screamed on for several minutes, before Vader emerged…giving him a thumbs up.
"Dear God…" Asajj whispered.
"I…do not want to know what he did with his wife at night."
&&&
Piett just stared at the camera, before putting his head in his hands. "Times like this…I wish I didn't work here."
&&&
Asajj wiped the blood from Princess Leia's brow. "I am so sorry about this."
"Ugh….ugh…" Leia moaned.
"Oh…are you going to vomit again?" She grabbed for the bucket, holding it to Leia's mouth.
"Ooooh…ooohhhh!" The Emperor said as he entered, grinning like a school boy. "What do we have here? Maybe I should call Durge…he was telling me what happens with female prisoners…What are you doing, roleplaying? Leia is the prisoner and Asajj is the naughty nurse." Leia vomited up blood. "Wow…when you get into a role…you go deep. I'm impressed…you're like Robert De Niro with smaller breasts."
&&&
"Why…why did you torture her?"
Vader shrugged. "You would not understand women, my lord. That was not torture, that was pleasure."
"Maybe for a Wookie…God, Vader…did your brain burn up in Mustatar too?" The Emperor massaged his forehead. "Did…did you at least learn anything about the plans?"
"no…her resistance to the mind probe was admirable." Vader paused. "As was her resistance to the…"
The Emperor covered his ears.
&&&
"You know…I can produce a scent that will make any woman fall in love with me." Xizor said in his monotone voice.
"You'd need it." Leia said.
"What?"
"Nothing."
The Emperor entered, holding out a Blu-Ray dvd player. "Here you are…just my way of saying sorry my Dark Lord of the Sith brutalized you…it plays movies."
"Thanks…" Leia muttered.
"Isn't that the prize for getting information out of the princess?" Xizor asked.
"What?" Leia asked.
"Huh?" The Emperor asked.
"Prize?"
"Info?"
"…it doesn't work with HD-DVDs, though."
&&&
"What's up?" Durge asked, walking over to where Asajj was sitting on Piett's desk. "Listen…I wanted to say sorry about the whole lesbian thing."
"Its fine." Asajj said with a slight smile, Piett shifting away quickly.
"Just to let you know…when we do have a three way…we can start off with another guy."
Asajj raised an eyebrow.
&&&
Piett walked over to Leia, who was busy looking over the Blu-Ray player. "You know…those things work better with DVDs."
"Yea…the Emperor decided to just get me this." Leia sighed.
"You know…I think I can help…"
&&&
"So…you want me to clean out the file cabinet?" Kurt asked.
"Yea…with the princess here, we can't keep any secret documents in the office…don't want her seeing anything top secret." The Emperor said.
"Where do you want me to put them?"
"Uh…could you…and you can say now…take them back to your home planet the next time you get off the station…you know…keep them at your house?"
"Sure…"
&&&
"You know…when there is no challenge…I almost feel bad for them." Kurt said.
&&&
"So…you and Durge back to being good?"
"Yea…yea we are." Asajj said. "So…where did you go off to during your lunch break?"
Piett shrugged. "Well…someone needs to guard the princess…so I picked up some Blu-Ray dvds…thought me and her could watch them."
"…oh."
"You know…try and get her to trust me…reveal to me where the plans are hidden…"
"Ya…ya…listen…I…uh…need to get back to work…"
"Oh, sure." Piett said. "Sure."
&&&
"You know, to be a good emperor, you need to understand how to treat your enemy." The Emperor said.
&&&
Vader stared at Leia, who shivered as he walked past, followed by the rest of the crew, including Kurt, his shirt stuffed with documents.
&&&
"Yes, we are on different sides…but does that mean we have hate one another?"
&&&
The Emperor waved goodbye to Leia, who gave him a disgusted look
&&&
"Can't we all just be people? Everyone here is a person…well, except for Durge…and Guri…and Kurt…and I have some doubt about Asajj…bald head and all…"
&&&
Piett walked into the conference room, motioning for Leia to follow him.
&&&
"I mean…that's the whole thing…separating work from the rest of your life…and never should the twain meet."
&&&
In Piett's quarters, he handed Princess Leia a drink. She smiled, watching as he put in the DVD, the Captain sitting down on the bed, Leia snuggling up to him. He ran his fingers through her hair, waiting a few minutes before speaking.
"So…how does a man go about defecting to the Alliance?"
