Chapter 3

Emma Pillsbury listened interestedly as Simon told her about his cousin. She liked the young English boy; his friend Jay was perverted beyond all points of redemption, Neil was pleasant but hopelessly stupid, and Will…Will appeared nice, but he was extremely (and not even justifiably) arrogant. Simon, though; Simon was polite, friendly and seemed to care about germs. That was trait number one in her book.

"You could wait for your father to find his details," she said, trying to be helpful.

"We've got a whole upstairs full of crap," said Simon. "He'll never find a scrap of paper in there. That's if he hasn't destroyed it by mistake. Put it through the wash or something."

"That would be pretty tragic," she agreed. "But, hey, I know as a guidance counsellor I shouldn't really tell you to trust fate, but maybe that's the key? You're family. Family tends to gravitate to each other."

She accidentally touched the side of the desk where she was sure other students had left their discarded gum, and flinched. Simon, observantly, passed her the hand sanitizer on the desk.

"Thanks," she said quietly. "Call your dad when you get home. He might know, might remember something that could prove useful. Think of it as like being a detective. If you don't have all the information, you'll never solve the case!"

"I guess you're right, Miss Pillsbury." Simon smiled.

"And in the meantime, you could see if he's published anything. If he works at a university he must have published some work, at least. That's pretty much the only difference between teachers at places like McKinley and college lecturers, you know." She smiled at her own joke. "See if you can access some academic papers from him. It should say what college he works at in California."

Simon thought about her words as he headed down to class. He and Jay had history together and they spent most of the time making jokes amongst each other. Will and Neil had biology, which mainly consisted of Will trying to covertly feed Neil the answers to keep him out of summer school.

The four mates finally met up in last class, which was Shop. Kurt joined them in this class as well. Simon wanted to check Google Scholar for any mentions of Sheldon Cooper's work. He headed immediately to the school library after class, but all academic paper results were encrypted.

He had other distractions. Mark Donovan had no doubt emailed Karofsky and Azimio his picture of Will on the toilet ("Hello, I'm Will and I'm doing a shit") and they had distributed copies around school. It was rare that they got such interesting dirt on a Glee club member, especially a new one, and they were determined to make sure it got out. The laughs had lasted three school days by now, most of them had by Jay, but many were starting to find the pictures disgusting. Simon had to help Will take them all down and Karofsky and Azimio, no doubt knowing the joke had hit its peak, did not put any further copies up.

Mr Shuester, as Simon had suspected, was just as helpful as Miss Pillsbury had been. Before the day finished, he followed Simon into the library again and the two of them went over the few academic results Simon had picked out.

"There's one from Sheldon Cooper here," he said, pointing to the screen. "The paper is about string theory. Sound connected?"

"I don't know. Dad didn't really say anything about his field. Is there any way to check?"

"Not really," said Mr Shue. "This guy works at Cal Tech. That's pretty much all I can see."


The last few weeks before the end of term went past in a blur. Simon maintained a familiar routine; school Mondays to Fridays, work in the evenings and on Saturday, then lazy days with Santana on Sundays. He forgot all about chasing his cousin in time, focusing on what he deemed more important things.

Things such as Sectionals.

Some things are very different in alternate universes. Based on the presence or absence of even one person, things can take an extremely different turn. New Directions' turn at Sectionals, however, was not one of these. Without Sue Sylvester, of course, the judging panel was down a member and, sadly, New Directions did not get a single vote. As the universal rule of parallel worlds work out, the Glee club should have gone down in a blaze of glory.

Fate started its bizarre machinations a week before the Sectionals final, and involved something as unremarkable as an out-of-order male bathroom. Jay had left math class and was desperate to, in his own words, take a massive shit. He almost howled with frustration at the out of order sign and quickly racked his brains to remember the location of the next toilet. It was by Principal Figgins' office. He raced there as soon as he could, acting on memory alone. Thankfully, the bathroom was in order. He went quickly and was relieved to do so, but when he came out, he noticed the Principal's Office was empty. In addition to this, no one was around.

He initially rejected the idea of sneaking into Figgins' office. It was the sort of thing that could get him expelled, or at least suspended. But Jay was (and very much is) Jay, and the raging id that had turned his superego into its bitch so many years ago affected him to the effect of controlling his every actions. Above all else, he was guided by two things. One was sex, and the other was his own, rather twisted sense of fun.

He was delighted to find that Figgins had left the door open. He snuck inside and pulled the blinds down; it would stop him from being seen, and Figgins would absentmindedly assume he had done it without thinking. He tried to root around in the principal's desk, but many of the doors were locked. What he did find, however, was a pornographic magazine. It had been laid in the top left draw and seemed to be primarily focused on sweet asses that did not quit. A grin rose to Jay's lips. One of the teachers had confiscated this magazine from one of the Seniors earlier that day; Jay had seen it happen. He briefly toyed with stealing the magazine, but that would be noticed. It was too risky.

A shadow appeared at the blinds and Jay panicked. He searched the office for hiding places and the best he could do was an empty cabinet at the side of Figgins' desk. He was doubly lucky for pulling down the blinds; the few seconds Figgins spent turned around and pulling them back up gave him time to make sure there were no signs of movement in the office. The cabinet door was, however, cranked open slightly, but Figgins would have to look especially hard to see him behind it.

Figgins sat down at the desk and checked through a few papers. Would he stay for hours? Jay was horrified by the thought. If Figgins caught him, he'd assume the worst. Well, it wasn't a case of assumption.

Figgins reached into the top drawer and pulled out the porn magazine, regarding it interestedly. He did not peruse it like a typical porn addict, but instead studied it as if it was a New York Times.

Jay took out his phone quietly and texted a message to Neil.

Hey m8…mk a divrshun 4 me fgins offis. Thx

After arranging a diversion with Neil so he could escape the office quickly, a curious thought struck Jay. His phone didn't have a flash or a particularly loud clicking sound when he took a photo, something that had come in handy before for voyeuristic intentions (Jesus, he wished he hadn't spent so much time learning the lines to Rocky Horror) but could now be used for higher means.

Extending his hand only slightly from the ajar cabinet door, he snapped a picture of Principal Figgins reading the dirty magazine. The shot itself was perfect; there was the senior educator, his eyes wide in surprise and possible arousal over the magazine. On the page itself, a porn star had her naked arse pressed right against the page. If the circumstances had been any different, the photo could have won awards for its hard hitting nature.

Neil was a while away when he received Jay's text. He headed to the area outside of Figgins' office, straining what was left of his mind for ideas about how to create a diversion.

He was in luck. Karofsky was in the hall by himself, searching through his locker. Neil came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. The hockey player spun round.

"Oi, Dave," said Neil, grinning. "Is it true you once sucked off a whole rugby team?"

He began to run before Karofsky had even processed the insult. When he identified a jibe at his much-closeted homosexuality he began to chase him. There were angry shouts as he bowled through a group of students to reach Neil.

Back in his office, Principal Figgins heard the noise outside and immediately leapt out of his seat. He left his office to investigate the cause of the disturbance. Jay, in awe of his friend's ability as he rarely was, took his opportunity to slip out as soon as he could.

When he and Will got home, he showed him the picture excitedly. Will viewed it with a mix of mild disgust and tabloid-level awe. A smile formed on his face.

"I know it won't be anything massive," Jay was saying. "I mean, everybody wanks over porn, right? But I reckon we can shit 'im up a bit, maybe get people laughing at him."

"You're not seeing the importance of this, Jay," Will said, still staring at the photo, his mind working at a mile a minute. "Everybody wanks, but this guy's a church-goer! A local pillar of respectability! And you're forgetting, Jay. This is Ohio. Jerry Falwell is like a household name."

"The fuck's Jerry Falwell?"

"Doesn't matter. The point is, this could be very embarrassing to Figgins. Instead of blowing this up just for laughs, you could use it against him."

"Fuck," said Jay. "He could have to tell me where the peep-holes are to the girls' showers. Or take stuff from the Lost & Found. Anything!"

"Jesus, Jay, have a little perspective! Look, I know you. Sometime before you finish school, you are going to cock up things royally. Shit, if you're telling me the truth about how you got this photo, and I don't see any other way, then you've come within an inch of cocking it up anyway. This might just be a get-out-of-jail-free card for you if you keep hold of it!"

"You know what? You're right! This is my ace in the hole!"


A week later, Jay knew exactly what to do with his ace in the hole. He'd been around the rest of New Directions when they found out they didn't even place, and now back at school, faces looked pretty solemn. They were in the practice room. While Neil, Simon and Will knew they would be severely mocked if they even shed a single tear, they could all taste the sadness.

"I always knew that Josh Groban guy was a dick," said Simon, his voice cracking with emotion. He looked down. He comforted Santana next to him, who was openly crying.

"I hope we'll all remember being together, even if we won't see each other anymore," said Rachel sadly, nearby. Will, who had hosted her when she'd been in the UK so long ago and had gotten to know her well, put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

"Fucking hell," said Jay, feeling a pang of emotion. "I'll be back in a sec."

"Where are you going?" Neil asked. Jay didn't respond. He went straight to the principal's office.

Twenty minutes later, Jay had returned and the club had sung To Sir, With Love as their farewell song. Principal Figgins came out, a nervous expression on his face. He addressed the club together, as they sat in silence. Mr Shue, who was expecting New Directions' final curtain call, sat down.

"Glee club is set to renew in the new school year," he said, with a note of happiness in his voice. "You're going to get one more year."

A deafening chorus of cheers and emotion swept over the practice room. Almost all the students (including, as he'd always deny later, Simon) cried openly. In fact, so many emotions were shared that only a handful of people saw Figgins stare at Jay and give a nod. The nod spoke in a language that only the two of them could understand, and it said, you win. Will, who saw the exchange after hugging Quinn and Rachel, stared at Jay. Jay briefly mimed a camera, and Will suddenly understood. Mr Shue saw their exchange.

"Jay?" he said, his voice completely choked with emotion when Figgins had left the room. "You had something to do with this?"

All eyes in the room turned to him, but Jay feigned ignorance. "No, sir!" he protested.

"Then why did Principal Figgins nod at you?"

"Dunno. Probably wants my cock, or something. I always knew that one was hot for the boys."

Mr Shue grimaced, but he didn't probe further. Both he and the rest of the club always knew from that day that Jay had saved them, but he'd never say why. He became much more liked. The only one who knew how he'd saved the club was Will, and the respect he had for his friend doubled on that day.