Chapter 3: Panty Raid
Remus thought they looked ridiculous standing outside the Slytherin entranceway to ambush Snape. Remus gazed at James who was standing beside Peter. Remus thought that James looked sort of like a sausage because he was bursting out of his clothes although far from a sausage James was. He was tall and lean and had developed quite a lot of well-toned muscles from over the years of being a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
James was leaning against the wall and was breathing shallowly so he wouldn't pop off any more of the buttons on his white collared shirt. He had stuffed himself into his school uniform despite the fact that they were obviously too small for him because of his new body, but as James had insisted he wasn't wearing any "girly froufrou" clothes if he could help it. Not that there was anything wrong with it if someone did James had said afterward, it just wasn't for him.
Sirius had said the exact opposite and had eagerly slipped on a tye-dye skirt and pink sweatshirt from his trunk. Remus hadn't been too surprised as it was part of Sirius' Halloween costume from last year. That didn't stop him from frowning as Sirius had shoved some clothes at him when it became clear Remus couldn't fit into his uniform. Of course there was still the glaring problem of underwear for their new figures. Since everyone wanted to avoid awkward conversations if they asked the girls the Marauders had to result to other means. Thus here they were, waiting for Snape to come out the Slytherin entrance so they can accost him for his panties and bras. Remus never dreamed he would say panty and Snape in the same sentence but there it was, and here he was.
Remus was tugging on his too short miniskirt when the stones vanished and Snape stepped through the doorway. Before Snape could say, "garter belt" he was grabbed by two pairs of manicured hands and forced back into his common room. He looked bewildered as two unfamiliar girls roughly shoved him up against the wall. "Hello Snape. What a pleasure to see you," the girl with the outrageous makeup said mockingly. Snape quickly shook off his bafflement and slipped on his stoic façade.
"To what do I owe this unpleasant pleasure ladies?" he asked quietly watching as another girl in a short skirt appeared behind Outrageous Makeup and the Manly One. He thought he saw another person slip in but he couldn't be sure because Manly One began to speak.
"We need something of yours, and you're going to give it to us."
Snape arched a black eyebrow in query. "Oh?" he asked politely. "Well, would it be too much to ask why I should give something of mine to three unfamiliar, not to mention unpleasant, girls?" he inquired mildly.
"Listen you horrible little prat, you're going to give us your bras and panties, which I know you have, and then we'll be out of here," Outrageous Makeup growled. Snape gave no outward indication that he was surprised by the strange outburst. Who were these girls? Outrageous Makeup's face twisted into a snarl as Manly One ruffled her hair in agitation.
It was then that Snape's brain clicked and he put actions to faces. "My, my," he murmured, "I guess with your astounding persuasiveness, I will get them for you." He paused. "Black," he said causally looking at Sirius. His thin pale lips twisted up into a spiteful smirk when Sirius cursed under his breath. "And I'm assuming Manly One must be Potter, and the other one Lupin?" he asked in cold amusement. He looked around exaggeratedly. "Ah, and there's the fat one," he said catching Peter trying to hide behind a dark green high backed chair.
"Watch it Snivellus," James threatened. Snape looked down his hooked nose at James distastefully but didn't comment.
Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration. This was getting them nowhere. "Look guys, we're wasting time. Remus, you come with me and we'll raid Snape's room for the goods. James and Peter, you stay down here and keep an eye on Snivellus and the door for more Slytherins." James nodded in agreement as Sirius let go of Snape to go up stairs with Remus. Peter looked a little ill at ease but watched Snape with his wand pointed somewhere in the general vicinity of the entranceway at the same time.
Sirius could barely make out some comment from Snape but that was fading as he climbed the spiral stone staircase. He noticed the rich dark green carpeting on the stairs and the gloomy pictures of pure-bloods on the walls and thought it was all very rigid and formal and utterly depressing, just like the Black family house.
Remus followed closely after Sirius, idly trailing his hand along the banister. He got to the top of the stairs that overlooked the common room. He could see Snape held at wand point by James and Peter.
Remus turned left at the top of the stairs and followed the imposing male portraits, up a couple more stairs, past many elaborately furnished and aristocratic rooms to where Sirius was standing in front of the open 5th years' door. "Spooky isn't it?" Sirius asked venturing into the room. "No matter how many times I come here it's still eerie. It looks almost exactly like our room except for all the green and silver."
"Hmm," Remus said noncommittally, brushing past Sirius to Snape's bed which was in the darkest corner of the room. Everything was neat and in its proper place. The books were stacked neatly and almost lovingly under the bed and out of sight from prying eyes. The covers were smoothed and turned down and the corners were tucked under the bed.
"It's disgusting how neat everything is." Sirius commented, wiping his finger along the Snape's bedpost. He was disappointed to find there wasn't any dust on his finger. There went his insult about Snape wallowing in his own filth.
Nope, no underwear so far, Remus thought brushing a stray hair behind his ear. Maybe behind that cauldron pushed up against that wall? "Sirius I keep my things this neat. This might as well be my area we're looking through." Remus banged his head on the underside of the bed as he was roughly dragged backwards by his ankles.
"Don't ever say that!" Sirius gasped sitting on Remus's back as he clutched one hand to his heart. "You almost gave me a heart attack." He shuddered. "I just had horrible visions of Snape as my best mate. I think I'm going to be sick." Sirius did look a little pale.
Remus pushed Sirius off as he got up. "I don't see what's so bad about having Snape as a friend. I extended my hand many times in friendship."
"And got your hand hexed in the process," Sirius said darkly as he remembered Remus walking away from Snape with his hand covered in ugly red blisters.
"He just needs some time Sirius," Remus said soothingly. "Wehave given him a hard time over the years," he reminded. "For example, right now we forced our way into the Slytherin's living quarters, threaten Snape at wand point, and are right now riffling though his things for panties. What would you say to that?"
"I'd say he deserves every bit of it and more," Sirius retorted glibly as he flipped open the lid of Snape's trunk. "Now are you going to help me or do you like going commando? Have a little kinky side that you've been keeping me?" He looked hurt. "Think of all the interesting times we could have had if you had told me sooner," he sighed. "And now I don't have any marshmallows or cherries on me. Then we could have-"
"Let's just find the things okay?" Remus cut in before Sirius could finish his line of thought. Remus really just wanted to get out of here before something disastrous came up.
They worked in silence as they rooted through Snape's trunk. It had the usual commodities such as shirts, ties, socks, books, quills, and other paraphernalia. Sirius cursed as they hit the bottom of the trunk and were still panty-less. "I know he has some somewhere," he mumbled.
"They could be somewhere else," Remus commented as he folded Snape's clothes so they could be put back neatly.
"Bugger, I could have sworn they would be right here," he said as he thumped the bottom of the trunk. His ears perked up at the hollow sound it made. "Did you hear that, Remus?" Sirius asked excitedly. Remus had and was already prying up the false bottom.
"Ah hah beautiful booty!" Sirius cackled as he saw the treasure trove of panties of all colors, shapes, and sizes. "Gold Remus, gold! We're going to be rich, rich in panties and bras!" he laughed as he did a off-beat little jig.
"Yeah okay Sirius. Can you just grab some and go?" Remus pleaded ignoring Sirius' dancing. "The longer we spend here the more there's a chance of another Slytherin dropping in," Remus said slightly nervous as he apprehensively watched the doorway. "We still have to ask Dumbledore to change us back too."
"But Remus look at all the colors and textures!" Sirius exclaimed as he eyed a particularly bright and sparkly one.
"Look Sirius, just pick a couple for us and go. I think that-" Remus was cut off as he heard a thunderous bang followed by the sounds of confused shouts and fireworks. "Great," Remus muttered as he shot up from his crouched position and hurriedly walked out the door. Sirius loaded a bunch of panties into his arms and followed after Remus, but not before rolling a time released stink bomb underneath Snape's bed. He chuckled as he ran down the hallway and leaned over the balcony to look down.
It looked like one of Zonkos' Crazy Chaos Creators had exploded. The room was in total disarray. Multi-colored confetti rained down from the ceiling and furniture was ripped open or was overturned. There were splashes of different colors everywhere around the room and large pink clouds rose up from the carpet. Above it all there was the awful din of fireworks going off although Remus couldn't see where they were coming from.
Snape was running towards the door yelling threats over his shoulder. "Just you wait!" Snape raged over the sound of the fireworks that were still going off. "You'll get expelled, the whole lot of you when I tell Dumbledore!" He skirted around a particular large blob of blue jell-o goo. "Finally my dream will come true! The mighty Marauders expelled," he sneered gleefully as he dodged a pack of red and yellow animal balloons.
Peter found his wand on the floor and ran towards the door to block it off. This was his chance to redeem himself for upsetting another prank. He started sweating in panic but he firmly held his ground before the enraged Snape. He saw Snape's arm raise to hex him and Peter did the same. "Stupefy!" Peter shouted pointing his wand straight at Snape's chest just as his friends yelled out their spells.
"Petrificus totalus!"
"Incarcerous!"
"Densaugeo!"
Four brightly colored spells hit Snape in quick succession and stopped the boy in mid-rant. He jerked violently to the left before he crumpled to the ground. Remus slowed to a stop before the fallen Snape and looked down at him. "Well, that was unexpected," Remus commented batting a green alligator balloon to the side. By now the deafening noise of the fireworks was all but gone with only a sporadic pop every few minutes but that soon faded away.
Sirius picked up the stray bra that he had dropped in his rush to hex Snape and shoved it into his skirt pocket. "Unexpected but it worked Remus." James was beside Remus looking down at the unconscious Snape.
"So what do we do with him guys?" Remus asked worriedly. "We can't leave him here where someone might revive him. He could tell everything."
Sirius made a dismissing sound. "Remus even if, if," he stressed, "someone does revive Snape then he wouldn't be able to tell anything. One of us hit him with a confusing charm so I don't think he'll be able to blurt anything out to anyone soon." Remus opened his mouth to protest but Sirius cut him off. "But seeing as how you're ever the worry wart we'll just lock Snape in an abandoned closet and lock the door."
Remus looked unsure but he reluctantly nodded in acceptance. He supposed that would buy them enough time to change back so Snape couldn't do any damage. "Sirius?" he asked looking down at Snape's very large front teeth.
"Hmm?" he replied.
"Did you give Snape buck teeth?"
"Yup," Sirius said proudly while brushing the shreds of paper out of his hair.
"May I ask why? I don't think that buckteeth could have stopped Snape from running out the door. At least James tied Snape in ropes and Peter stunned him."
Sirius looked at Remus as if he had mush for brains. "Can you talk intelligently with overly large teeth?" Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose but he didn't reply.
"Just levitate him James and let's go. First class starts in fifteen minutes and that's if we hurry," Remus said looking at his watch.
"So what if we're late? All the better to make our entrance," Sirius replied picking up the undergarments.
"I wonder how the Slytherins will react to their room?" Peter wondered after walking in silence down the hallway. "Turn right," he said looking at the Marauders' Map for an empty closet.
"Don't know don't care," Sirius replied as he opened up the dusty closet door with a flick of his wand. "Just dump him in here James," Sirius said opening the door wider. Remus quickly enchanted a bucket of paint into a pillow before Snape was unceremoniously dropped to the floor. "How much time is left Remus?" Sirius asked as he pocketed Snape's wand. He would give it back when Snape woke up. Eventually.
Remus glanced at his watch. "Ten, now c'mon I've been late enough for class over the years as it is," he said walking quickly down the hall. "I don't want to continue this appalling record." They still had to go back to the Gryffindor tower to change and collect their things for Charms.
"What's Flitwick going to do?" James asked as he charmed the door shut.
"Flitwick never gives detentions." Sirius said as he rounded a corner. "So relax."
"I won't be able to until this entire ordeal is over," Remus muttered.
"I think Sirius is right, Remus," Peter said. "Flitwick doesn't-" Peter didn't get to finish his thought because he quite literally bumped into Professor McGonagall. "P-Professor McGonagall," Peter stuttered. "So s-sorry. I didn't see you there," he said as Professor McGonagall straightened her robes as Sirius quickly shoved the undergarments in a suit of armor.
"It's quite all right Mr. Pettigrew," she said sternly raising a hand to check to see if her hat was still in place. "But who are these young ladies you're with?" They looked familiar, especially the black haired one who was grinning at her cockily.
"Why my dear Minerva. I'm hurt that you don't recognize your one true love," Sirius said as he placed a hand over his heart.
Professor McGonagall's eyebrows shot up but that was the only indication she gave that she was surprised. "Mr. Black," she stated more than asked. "And I presume Mr.'s Potter and Lupin also. What are you four doing in your current state?"
"Well Professor," Remus started, "we ran into a little problem last night."
McGonagall crossed her arms and looked down her nose at the boy. "You mean you were going to prank the Slytherins and the spell backfired?"
Sirius beamed and winked at her. "Right-o Professor. We were on our way to see Dumbledore to have this little problem corrected."
Professor McGonagall pressed her lips into a thin line. "You will not skip classes to see the headmaster due to your foolishness. Consider this part of your punishment for breaking the rules."
"But Professor Dumbledore?" Peter asked.
"You may talk to him after classes and speaking of classes they start in eight minutes. I'll have a house elf bring you proper uniforms for you to get dressed so you can get to class on time," she answered.
"So I guess this means you don't like my outfit Professor?" Sirius asked hurt. "I knew these jeans made my thighs look big! Why didn't anyone say anything?" he whined.
McGonagall resisted the urge to retire to her chambers early with a nice glass of firewhiskey. "You now have seven minutes to get to class and three minutes before I give you all detentions," she threatened. The Marauders quickly scampered out of sight leaving one harried professor with the beginning of a migraine. There was a metallic sound and McGonagall turned her head to see a suit of armor cough up a leopard print bra. She sighed and spelled away the clothing before walking towards her class. She could already tell this was going to be one of those days.
The boys were almost finished putting on their new uniforms and were putting on the final touches. James was clipping back his chin length hair with butterfly clips while Sirius was adding on some makeup in the mirror. Remus watched this and fervently wished that he didn't pick up any female mannerisms, or at least kept them to a minimal. He checked his watch before doing a double take.
"Sirius, James we have to go! We're late." Remus grabbed his books and threw open the door. "Sirius you can admire your reflection later, come on we have to go," he said dragging Sirius towards the door.
"Wait!" Sirius exclaimed as he slipped out of Remus' grasp. He ran over to the closet door. "I hope there's no hard feelings Morathi," he called out.
"Sirius lemme outta here!" Allan demanded from inside the locked closet where the Marauders had forced him in before they had left on their panty raid.
"Sorry but we didn't want you to go blab to everyone about us before we talked to Dumbledore. Don't worry though," Sirius added over the din Allan was making as he pounded on the door, "we'll let you out before class starts. You do have first period off you know?" Before Allan could protest that he did have class first period Sirius had cast a silencing charm on the door and spun on his heel. "Now you can grab me Remus," Sirius said holding up his arm. Remus shook his head in exasperation but grabbed Sirius's arm before throwing open the door to sprint to class.
James followed after and looked around the common room for Peter but he had already left and was probably sitting in the classroom on time. He didn't have more time to contemplate on Peter for his thoughts were taken up by not falling flat on his face as he flew down the hallway dodging other tardy students and racing the moving stairs.
The Charm's door loom in front of them and Remus stopped abruptly which caused Sirius to plow into him and James to plow into Sirius. Their momentum carried them into the door that burst open and smacked against the opposite wall with a loud bang. They fell in an undignified heap on the floor.
The classroom was silent as they watched the three unfamiliar girls who had burst through the door. "We…well that wasn't the entrance I w-was hoping for," Sirius gasped from the floor.
"Sor…sorry P-professor," James wheezed as he struggled to get up.
"Ye…yeah, we had some t…trouble this morning," Remus panted. He brushed the dirt from his knees as he got up.
Professor Flitwick looked at the girls in confusion. "I'm s-sorry," he squeaked from over the top of his desk. "Are you new students? I haven't seen you before."
"You could say that," Remus said evasively. He really didn't want it to get out that he had been changed into a girl. If they could think of a cover to last until the end of the day then he could avoid public humiliation.
"They're transfer students from, um, home schooling," Peter spoke up lamely from the back of the room. There were murmurs of surprise around the classroom. Remus wanted to bang his head against the nearest wall. Home schooling? Hogwarts had never taken on transfer students before and no one would believe all three of them were home schooled.
"Well, thank you girls and I welcome you to our school," Professor Flitwick greeted. "There hasn't been any transfer students in a while and I hope your stay is pleasant."
Remus just blinked. He…bought the story? "Um," Remus said intelligently. "Thank…you?"
Professor Flitwick didn't seem to notice the disbelief as he held up his quill to write down his student's name. "Now if I could just have your names to add to the list?"
"Oh," James said as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I'm Jam-" Sirius jabbed him in the ribs signaling that wasn't a good idea. "I mean I'm Janet Morrison."
"I'm Emily Beherent," Remus said quietly blushing as a few wolf whistles came from the boys.
"And I'm Frankie Bright," Sirius added. There were a few murmurs in the audience as Remus shot Sirius a confused look. "Well," Sirius elaborated, "I'm actually called Talitha Bright but I like to go by Frankie. Everyone at home did and I hope you will too." He gave his dazzling Sirius smile, which as a girl looked charming instead of arrogant. There was polite clapping as the Marauders made their way up towards Peter.
"Now I'm not sure how much you learned at home but right now we're learning about the Banishing Charm as I mentioned before. It's actually a very useful charm. It was first discovered in-"
Sirius tuned out the rest of what Flitwick was saying and whispered among his friends. "That went smooth. I can't believe we got away with it." He grinned. "I just can't help feeling we're forgetting something. What about you guys?" Peter shook his head but Remus had felt that there was something too.
"Yeah but I don't know what," Remus whispered. "We don't have any testsor quizzes today. No major projects or homework due either, not that we would be expected to turn then in since we're 'exchange students.'" Remus thought back to try to remember anything else that he was forgetting when his eyes widened. "Morathi!" he gasped just before the door banged open for a second time. Everyone stared as Allan Morathi staggered into the room.
"S-sorry I'm late Professor!" he gasped from his exercise running through the halls. He rested his hands on his knees.
"Well what's you're excuse?" Professor Flitwick asked among the titters of excitement.
"I h-had a difficult time coming out of the closet," he replied. A wave of shock and speculation washed over the class at Allan's statement. He seemed to realize what he had said and tried to fix it. "Wait Professor, I mean-"
Flitwick interrupted him. "Yes well, I congratulate you on your bold step forward and wish you the best of luck but will you please sit down and let me teach my class? The new girls interrupted it once and now you so I would like to get back on topic." He was barely heard over the noise the class was making. Allan's face grew hot with embarrassment as he walked to his seat. He noticed it was taken and looked around for another one. A very large Slytherin patted the seat next to him and winked at Allan lasciviously. Allan shuddered but trudged to the seat and carefully sat as far away from the boy as possible.
"So," the Slytherin started placing a hand on Allan's knee as he leaned in closer, "I'm not sure if I have this charm down right and I think there's something wrong. Do you…want to hold my wand for me?" he asked suggestively. Terrified Allan pushed back in his chair hard enough to make the legs snap off. He knocked into Gregory Alders who was sitting next to him and they both fell to the ground. Allan ended up on top of the poor Ravenclaw boy knocking their heads together.
In the process their lips somehow collided and a person called out, "Hey look! Morathi and Alders and passionately snogging!" From there the class basically went downhill as everyone stormed around the boys to get a better look and Professor Flitwick couldn't gain control of his class for the rest of the period.
Sirius surveyed the chaos and leaned back in his seat with his arms folded behind his head. This might turn out to be the best prank he'd ever pulled.
