Losing My Humanity
by Jamie Carlson
Summary: Do the Youma Generals really seem THAT inhuman? How can they truly be? Zoicite, the handsome, feminine blonde and Kunzite, the equally handsome frost-haired Generals have a very loving relationship. Perhaps, there are more to the Youma than meet the eye. Perhaps, love CAN grow in the deepest darkness of the Dark Kingdom.... Perhaps.... (Pairings: Jadeite/???, Zoicite/Kunzite)
Rating: PG
Completion: Alpha Version Complete
Chapters: Five
Pages: Approx. 20 (total)
Scene Three - Keito's Dead Memories, and Andradite's Happiness
Andradite shuddered in her sleep. A bead of sweat slid down from her temple onto her hard pillow as her head jerked from side to side, sending her crimson bangs flying, her headband long since abandoned for sleep. She made a small sound like a moan as she rolled onto her side, curling her legs up in a sort of fetal position.
In Andradite's dreams, she stood in a burning hall. The walls which were once a pure white marble were now scorched black. Screams and evil-sounding laughter echoed off of the white walls, mingling with the ominous crackling of the flames. Andradite was confused, not knowing where she was or why the place was burning.
Frantic and driven by her fear, Andradite ran toward the only door that wasn't blocked by flames. It felt like she was running through molasses and the air around her shimmered from the heat waves emitted by the quickly-spreading fire.
Andradite burst through the door, watching as her outstretched hands pushed the milky pearl-bead curtain out of the way. She stumbled out onto a balcony overlooking a once-glorious courtyard, now strewn with bodies - those of the armored troops of the Kingdom of Earth as well as her own people, along with those of the horrid monsters that had attacked their beautiful palace.
In the courtyard below, she saw a blonde man in the tatters of what was once a lovely white uniform of an Earth General drive a sword through a woman with long black hair. Her dying scream was intermingled with her Words of Power – "Burning Mandala!" – and the two were swallowed in bursting rings of flame. Something about him was familiar… he looked so much like Lord Jadeite.
Horrified by this sight, Andradite turned and saw a woman with long red hair dressed in a dark, skintight dress. She was wielding a torrent of Dark Energy and attacking a young pair of Nobles. The girl wore a flowing white dress and had floor-length silver hair tied partially in buns on the sides of her head, the remaining hair loose and flowing. The man wore black armor and a flowing cape. His short black hair shone with sweat from his battle.
Andradite heard the call, and knew it was coming from her lips, but had no idea why for she had no idea who these people were.
"Princess Serenity! Prince Endymion!"
The prince and princess couldn't hear her, but a nearby batch of monsters did. Andradite screamed in fear as they leaped up from the courtyard below and landed next to her, their hands reaching out and grabbing her hair, which was longer than she remembered it being. One of them grabbed onto her pale blue dress and yanked on it, ripping it. It released the fabric in disgust and grabbed her throat.
Andradite could feel her energy slipping, sinking, being stolen away by these monsters. Heavy red clouds of energy swirled around them. She was steadily slipping into oblivion as one of the Youma lifted a crystal and drove it into her forehead. Its edges cut deeply, right against the bone of her skull. She screamed as warm blood flowed from her wounds, and her memories and soul were stolen away.
Andradite sat up quickly, gasping, clutching her thin blanket to her chest. Sweat poured from every gland, causing her itchy tank top to stick to her body. She was shivering, her eyes wide and dilated. Her bed wasn't particularly comfortable – a mattress made of some form of spongy fungus encased in a sort of thick cloth, set into a hole carved of black crystal. Every three feet in all directions, similar beds were stationed, other Lessers sleeping soundly within them.
Andradite carefully kicked off her blankets and slid off of her bed. Easily avoiding disturbance of the other Lessers who shared this "dorm" (or "Nest" as Zoicite liked to call it), she exited her room and walked quickly down the hallway, her bare feet padding on the dark crystal floor. It was cool and comforting underneath her, and she could almost feel the hum of the crystal as she walked along its smooth surface.
Finally reaching her destination, Andradite placed one hand on the sealed doorway. It recognized her touch and unlocked with a click that sent echoes throughout the abandoned corridor. She pressed on the black door and it swung silently open. The words "Suishou no Ruumu" shone on the door - "Room of Crystals". This was the one room in all of the Dark Palace that Andradite felt the safest.
The room was large, about thirty meters in all directions. Its walls were lined with shelves, and on each shelf, separated by a complex system of sorting, were crystals. Each crystal had a purpose and a use, and Andradite knew them all. They hummed to her softly, welcoming her; the one who was, in all of the Dark Kingdom, the most in tune with them.
Andradite, her limbs still trembling from the fierce nightmare, collapsed in the center of the room. She landed hard on her tailbone, but ignored the pain. She planted her hands on the crystal floor and tilted her head back, eyes closed, meditating. She used the soothing energy of the crystals to ease away the pain and fear brought on by the nightmare.
Breathing deeply and slowly, Andradite soon had her nerves calmed. The air in the Suishou no Ruumu was cold, but Andradite found it soothing on her bare arms and legs.
Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her. She quickly rose to her feet and turned to face the presemce. She knew from the strong energy emitted from this person that they were one of the Four Generals - the question on her mind as she quickly turned and bowed was "which one?"
"What are you doing in the Suishou no Ruumu so late and in your bedclothes?" Jadeite demanded. He was silhouetted from the light in the hall behind him, but his eyes shone dimly in the light with his inner power. Andradite bowed again, and felt her cheeks burn lightly with a faint blush.
"Please forgive me, Lord Jadeite," Andradite said, bowing low again. "I was unable to sleep so came to check on the crystal storage facilities." Andradite kept her eyes locked upon Jadeite's, feeling her heartbeat pound a little faster. The crystals hummed a little more audibly, attempting to soothe her. Jadeite heard this as well, and eyed the darkened crystals along the walls.
"Return to your room."
"Yes."
Bowing once more, Andradite did as instructed, slipping past the blonde Youma General and down the corridor. She reached her room, slipped in, reached her bed, and lay down.
She wasn't quite sure why she was embarrassed. Was it because he had caught her basking in the crystals' hum, or was it because she had been caught outside of bed during designated sleeping time? Or was it because she was in her undergarments? Not that they were as revealing as what some of the warrior Youma wore, but….
None of it really mattered. She was lucky she wasn't punished for being where she shouldn't have been. Sleep came to her again, blessedly dark and dreamless.
Jadeite stood alone in the Suishou no Ruumu, eyeing the crystals thoughtfully. Their hum had died after Andradite had left, and now the room was silent.
He had opened the door to check on the room - someone was inside, as he could tell from the energy he felt within. He had seen Andradite sitting, silently, on the floor, head back and body still besides her breathing. She seemed to be meditating, perhaps simply enjoying the company of the crystals around her. Her gray clothes were damp, possibly with sweat. Could she have had some sort of nightmare and come to the crystals for comfort?
Jadeite walked through the room, reaching out and gently touching one of the Lighting Crystals. Responding to his touch, it shed a gentle light. He frowned slightly.
Nightmares weren't uncommon for those who had once been Human. Jadeite remembered his own dreams of a girl with black hair who he appeared to care about, yet who died at his hands. It was a past dream. Beryl was unable to destroy all of the memories within a human heart at once, although they did fade over time. Jadeite had stopped having those dreams years ago.
Occasionally, though, a Lesser who had once been human had recurring dreams that began to effect their performance as Generals in Training. This was why so many were killed; Queen Beryl did not allow defective Youma to be part of her armies.
Jadeite worried. Would Andradite, one of the few promising Youma Lessers, end up that way? He genuinely hoped not, as the increasing power of the Senshi were undoubtedly going to be a problem in the near future.
He also… worried about losing Andradite. Her company, as rarely as he enjoyed it, was heartening. He had feelings for her, as dull as they were, and they helped to hold back the growing coldness within his soul just a little bit. Jadeite had no qualms with being a Youma General, but he didn't exactly want to lose that bit if humanity either. He felt oddly that he would just be another Youma if he did.
The next day, Andradite made a few minor mistakes in her duties. Her lack of sleep and the mental shakeup from the night before had drained her of her energy. She was reprimanded sharply by a barely-higher-ranking Lesser and threatened with being reported to Queen Beryl. She shuddered at the thought.
Eventually, mealtime swung around and she collapsed into her chair at the Lesser Generals in Training table. She stared blankly down at the table, all energy spent. She had repair duty on the damaged Youma Core crystals from the fights against the Senshi next. That should calm her nerves a bit and help to right the confusion in her mind.
"Lesser Andradite."
Andradite's back stiffened. She felt a cold sweat break out under her clothes, but tried her best to remain composed outwardly. She stood and turned to face Nephrite, bowing.
"Yes, Lord Nephrite?"
"You made a few errors during your training. This bothered me as it is completely out of your character as a Lesser."
"I apologize, Lord Nephrite. It won't happen again."
Nephrite looked at her in silence. Her eyes had drifted downward, and she knew she wasn't holding her usual composure. She felt Nephrite's fingers under her chin, lifting her face upward.
"Your eyes are sunken a bit, and you look pale. Did you sleep last night?" Nephrite's cobalt eyes were critical now.
"Not as much as I need to function properly," Andradite admitted. What would be the point in lying?
"Why?"
"My dreams were troublesome."
Nephrite frowned. When someone as psychically sensitive as she was had troublesome dreams, it was a bad sign.
"How so?"
Andradite began to feel very edgy. Youma with past-life dreams were subject to scrutiny and sometimes punishment by Queen Beryl.
"It... it was, I believe, of my past life in the Silver Millennium, Lord Nephrite." Nephrite frowned, then suddenly took Andradite by the arm and began leading her toward the General's table. "Er… Sir?"
Nephrite remained silent, then as they reached the table, planted her next to Jadeite's chair.
"Explain now to Lord Jadeite why you had been up and in the Suishou no Ruumu last night."
Andradite cleared her throat, her cheeks warming as she felt the eyes of the other three Generals on her.
"I had a past-life dream about the Silver Kingdom. It was of when my human life died." She looked at Nephrite as if to ask, "is that satisfactory?"
Jadeite looked up at her, his mouth drawn down into a small frown.
"So you were trying to dispel the memories?" Andradite looked down.
"I was attempting to calm myself."
Jadeite gestured to an empty seat to his right.
"Sit. I wish to discuss this with you."
Andradite's eyes met his briefly. The memory of the sight of Jadeite in her dream slaying a black-haired woman - who looked a lot like how Sailormars was described to be – briefly flashed within her mind. She could believe it, as this was Jadeite, the cold and cruel Youma General. She sat as she was told.
The four generals began to ask her questions of what she could remember of her past life besides what Beryl had told her. Very little, Andradite would say, very little indeed. Her dreams were only of how she was killed/captured by the Dark Kingdom.
"Do you resent Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked curiously. Andradite faltered.
She couldn't lie to them. But to be truthful could get her into trouble. What to do now? Well, they would know if she lied… so….
"Yes. I resent being torn into the life of the Dark Kingdom," Andradite said slowly, then drew in a deep breath. "However, I have come to accept who and what I have become. I am now a member of the Dark Kingdom and will remain so until I die. As such, I am determined to do my duty as a Lesser Youma, to the best of my ability."
Zoicite began to clap.
"Wonderful answer! And truthful too, you're ever so honest! Now, keeping that honesty in mind…" Andradite felt dread well up in her chest at the glimmer in his eyes. She had seen that glimmer before, and it meant mischievous trouble. "What do you think of Jade-chan here?"
"Lord Jadeite is a strong commander —"
"No no no," Zoicite interrupted disapprovingly, "What do you think of him as a man, not as your superior. You know…" He was arching his golden brow yet again. Andradite felt the back of her neck grow warm - when she was very embarrassed, her neck was the first thing to turn red.
"Lord Zoicite, forgive me for failing to understand what exactly you are asking," Andradite replied slowly, keeping her eyes on the long-haired Youma General.
"I think what he is asking is if you find Jadeite attractive, interesting, that sort of thing," Kunzite supplied "helpfully", smiling blithely at Andradite. She felt the urge to slide under the table grow stronger.
"Now, now. If she has something along those lines to say, she would best say it in private," Jadeite scolded gently, waggling one finger at Kunzite and Zoicite. Andradite started, surprised. What... did he mean by that? He was looking at her out of the corner of his eye, a faint smile on his lips. She felt the blush spreading to her cheeks now.
Meal break was over, and Andradite stood up. She bowed to the Four Generals.
"Please excuse me, but I have Core maintenance now."
They dismissed her, and Andradite hurried down the corridors to the Core Containment Facilities.
Each damaged Core leaked a combination of Dark and Light energy, and no Youma was permitted to draw upon that leaking energy. As such, the crystals were kept in a neutrally charged room where their energy couldn't escape. Here, Andradite and other Lessers repaired the crystals for reuse by Jadeite, the current general in charge.
Even nulled, the crystals gave off a comforting hum in response to Andradite's presence. She went through and repaired three crystals before her shift was up. It was a very long, very tedious process. Andradite loved it, however. She enjoyed handling the delicate crystals, whispering comforting reassurances to them in her mind, and helping them to repair themselves.
After her shift in Core Repair, she was summoned yet again to Jadeite's chambers. She knocked again on the great door.
"Enter."
Andradite entered Jadeite's quarters and looked up at the brightly glowing, swirling energy being fed into the crystal orb she had installed for him after her last summoning. The Reaper Crystal was working well, so she couldn't figure out why she was needed.
"You called on me, Lord Jadeite?" she asked, bowing to him. He waved her over. Andradite quickly strode to where he stood, obedient as ever. He turned to her, then suddenly, in a startlingly quick movement, was only a few inches away from her. He leaned forward, his deep blue eyes focused on hers. "L-lord Jadeite?!"
"What do you want out of your life, Andradite?" he asked, raising a hand to grip her chin gently. "What do you want out of your new life as a Dark Kingdom warrior?"
Andradite stared at him, shocked.
"I… I want…" As she struggled to answer, her mind racing, she felt a sudden calm as the answer came to her. A sort of resigned acceptance. She looked down as best she could with her chin trapped in Jadeite's fingers. "I just want to live… and be happy in this desolate place, Lord Jadeite…."
"I understand," Jadeite said softly. The warmth in his voice caused alarmed the Lesser Youma more than his sudden inquisition. She met his gaze reluctantly. Eyes that grew steadily colder by every passing week were showing what warmth was left in his darkened heart. "Would you be happy with me, Andradite?"
Andradite's breath slipped past her lips in a shocked hiss. She could only stare up at him, her gold-brown eyes shining in the light of the Reaper Crystal. She knew Jadeite could feel her trembling; she felt no shame at this, however. Then, in that moment, she was lost in the depths of Jadeite's eyes, suddenly aware of the human undertones of this solemn Dark General. They were such a rare shade of cobalt, those eyes.
"I… I can't say. All I can say, Lord Jadeite, is that it would please me to be with you, as long as the Dark Kingdom would allow." As long as Beryl would allow, she wanted to say, but refrained. Or just as long as Jadeite would allow.
Jadeite kissed her then. Andradite's mind whirled. She pulled away.
"Lord Jadeite, why — ?"
"Because I think that we can both find some happiness within each other here. I can't say I love you; I don't think I can feel that emotion anymore. I respect you and would hate to see anything terrible happen to you; so I choose now to take you under my wing, as my own," Jadeite replied, his eyes calm. Andradite nodded slowly.
"I understand."
"Good. Andradite…"
"Jadeite… please… call me Keito…."
As Jadeite moved to embrace her, he tilted his head at her. "Keito?" She nodded.
"I don't want to lose that part of me, no matter how much the memories hurt…."
End of Scene Three - Keito's Dead Memories, Andradite's Happiness
Version 2.0 Edits to This Scene: Grammar and word choice.
Next Scene: Scene Four - Premonition of the Future; A Brief Happiness
