A/N: I down own Valkyrie, Lord Vile, or Skulduggery. This is set after the novels, so you pervs out there can calm down about Val's age. OK, this one is meant to be funny. There's only so much Vilkyrie even I can write without getting a serious case of the giggles. And this series is meant for mature readers only. Total crack. Spoilers. Duh.


Valkyrie was going out later that night and she was happy. True, she normally didn't do happy. She did dark, brooding and angry quite well as a matter of fact. But as she looked at the fuzzy surveillance photo tacked up on her bedroom mirror she had to smile.

Lord Vile was a sex machine, a homicidal sex machine, but he was the ultimate fantasy of countless Necromancers both male and female. She'd even found a small book of erotic stories on him and swiped it from the Necromancy temple.

She laughed to herself as she brushed out her hair wondering if Necromancers really believed half the garbage they'd taught her or they had just watched "Necromantik" one too many times and got hot for dead people. Probably both. She snorted laughter, she sounded like Tanith now. No, Tanith would have said something blatant then offered advice on the date.

Well, not so much a date as hoping Lord Vile would be in a mood to show up. Of course he'd always been in a mood to show up before, but the happier and more satisfied Lord Vile was when he left after a night together, the grouchier and more short-tempered Skulduggery was the next day.

It wasn't like she and Lord Vile had gotten that far yet, though she supposed he could do anything he liked with his shadows or armour. Now wait a second. Hold on there. Wasn't his armour ice-cold? As in painful to put anywhere intimate ice-cold?

Valkyrie frowned. The stories in the book sounded so hot. But come to think of it, she didn't want anything made out of metal and icy cold put anywhere since she'd seen movies where kids got their tongues stuck to flag poles.

Yeah, great Val. Get stuck to his flag pole. Skulduggery would be in a darn fine mood then, wouldn't he?

She sighed and got up, resolving to skip the meeting that night. This after all, could not end well.


Lord Vile paced, wanting to cut a swath of destruction to Valkyrie's door. Were was she? She was always late, even when he was Skulduggery she was late. Of course he was aware he was Skulduggery, why wouldn't he be?

It should have been obvious to Valkyrie from the terrible mood he'd always been in the next day. He'd been seeing her for almost a year and was waiting rather impatiently to enter the promised land.

He'd even learned recently how to make his shadows warm instead of icy cold, to make his armour softer, warmer, more pleasurable for her to touch. Now where was she?