Sorry for the wait ;u; I've been a little busy recently. I hope this chapter is ok, I feel like I sort of rushed it hfdshaf;fh;/ Anyways, thank you for all the reviews and everything! It really keeps me going. 3


III: Desire


Kaworu wasn't sure how to feel when his hand was finally released. His hand stayed where it was, neither reaching to take back the warmth it had previously experienced nor pulling away in fear and confusion over what had just taken place. He knew that there was no reason to be weary of Shinji, a human, of all things, but there was something about what had just happened that shook the angel to the very core of his being - the warmth of his touch, combined with the look of longing and desperation for companionship in the other's blue-grey eyes... A warm feeling began to pool in his stomach, though he wasn't quite sure why.

( Tabris, you must remain strong. What will the others think if you show such weak behavior in front of a human? Whatever it is you are feeling, it surely is nothing. Maybe a test? I have been rather lax in assignments as of late, so perhaps these odd thoughts and feelings are a test of my resolve? )

Ruby eyes met with blue-grey ones once more, and in that moment, the angel felt something inside of him crumble. It was as if a barrier had been destroyed, leaving him open and vulnerable prey for Shinji to descend upon at any given moment. This thought startled him further. "Friends... It sounds nice," he managed to say, his voice trembling. "I am glad you place so much trust in me, Shinji. Friendship... Friendship is precious, and it must be looked after with tender care." His eyes were still locked with the other's, despite how desperate he was to look away and distract himself from his panicked thoughts. Angels were not supposed to be burdened with such human-like troubles, so why was this becoming a problem? He had been a messenger of God since the early days of mankind, and he had never experienced such oddities before. Such feelings were surely an act of sin? He would most likely be confronted as soon as he returned to the celestial realm. Swallowing down his unease, Kaworu managed to turn to look towards the church altar, silently praying for the strength to overcome whatever it was gnawing at his insides.

Shinji must have sensed that something in the atmosphere had changed, for he quickly looked down at his own feet, looking both ashamed and nervous. For what, though? The angel was tempted to ask. He didn't have time to put his thoughts together, though, as the other quickly spoke up again. "I'm sorry I got so worked up just now... I'm just not used to that kind of stuff being said to me, and I guess it got me a little too excited. Usually I don't act this way around people, though, so it won't happen again."

"Why are you apologizing? You simply expressed your feelings... Is that not a good thing to do? Keeping them bottled up will only make things harder for you down the road." Why were humans so odd when it came to expression? The angel wished he could understand the nature of humanity, but it seemed much too chaotic and burdened with emotion for him to bother with.

Shinji reddened in response, brows furrowed with frustration. "N-No, that's... It is good to express your feelings, but sometimes feelings are so confusing and overwhelming that they should be thought over before you let them out. Right? I mean... I just met you, and yet something about you feels so different that I can't help but think you're okay to trust. I think that's why I feel, well, comfortable around you. Does... Does that make any sense? Sorry, if it doesn't."

( He only trusts me so blindly because he can sense my pureness. I am not tainted like his kind are, so it is only natural for him to be confused about his judgement. This is not something an ordinary human can understand... Ah, poor thing. In a world where beings exist only to hurt each other, he is left feeling so alone and defenseless. I wish to give him all that he needs in order to survive this realm - compassion, tenderness, trust, love... )

And so there it was. The warm and fluttery feeling that Kaworu had been experiencing suddenly came to a screeching halt as he began to realize that the forbidden idea had somehow forced itself into his thoughts. Love was perhaps one of the greatest sins an angel and human could commit, and the fact that the very word had entered his mind filled him with a sense of dread. Even if the odd sensations he felt around Shinji weren't branched off from love at all, the fact that he had even considered giving the human anything but compassion and angelic guidance was sinful enough. Surely, whatever it was stirring his being was something else entirely? Sympathy or perhaps just a strong sense of devotion? Kaworu found himself unable to look at Shinji, fearing the truth of the matter.

"It... It does make sense," he lied, his nails digging into the soft wood of the pew they sat in. "Shinji, we should probably check in on Asuka now... She has been gone for a while, a-and..."

This suggestion was ignored. Shinji had inched closer to the angel, concern filling his blue-grey eyes as he drew near. "Are you alright? I think you're still shaken up from that fall you had. You're trembling a lot... Should I take you to the hospital, Kaworu?"

( Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Don't say my name. Please don't say my name. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't... )

Kaworu managed to turn his head and look at his companion, despite how the reason within him screamed for him to look away and take solace in prayer and meditation, like a good angel should. His ruby eyes met with Shinji's once again, and within moments, the ice feeling that had gripped his insides melted away into a hot, boiling sensation that made him squirm in his seat. "N-No, I can manage on my own... I just feel a little dizzy. I just need to rest, and I should be just fine." More lies and human-like emotions? Oh, he was surely going to be killed for this, or perhaps worse. Yet he found himself unable to care about any of that. All he cared about at that moment was how close Shinji was and discovering what it was about him that had sparked such odd feelings within him. What was so special about him? There were billions of humans that roamed the earth, and billions more angels that crowded the heavens above, so why had Shinji, of all in existence, caused him to feel so unsure of himself?

Shinji frowned and reached for Kaworu's hand, gripping it tightly in attempts to capture his attention. "Hey, don't lie to me about this kind of stuff! We're friends now, right?. So I'm here for you if you need me. If you really don't feel good, we can go to the hospital or something to check out what's wrong. Okay?"

( Love? Lust? Infatuation? What is it that I feel towards you, Shinji Ikari? What have you done to me? Oh, but... But what does that matter now? Please keep holding my hand. Don't let go. It feels nice. )

"Of course, Shinji," he breathed, his mind spinning as new thoughts and feelings began to take him all at once. It was overwhelming, yet at the same time exciting. He had never felt so real before, and with each passing moment, he could feel his insides grow hotter and hotter, yet he enjoyed the oddness of it all.

He wanted it to last forever, if possible.


Asuka stared out of the passenger window of the taxi, her eyes glazed over with a silent rage that could not be calmed, no matter how many times Shinji apologized to her. She had been waiting for him to come after her, to comfort her, to fucking be there after the unpleasant encounter she had with that Kaworu fellow, but he never came - he instead chose to spend time with the very person who had upset her in the first place. That hit her harder than the accusations she had faced back in the church. It would take much more than the usual apology to make it up to her, but she was much too engrossed in her own thoughts to even care about that. All she could think about was how eager she was to go out, drink, and forget about the whole mess entirely. Asuka usually held herself above drinking for the sole purpose of getting drunk, but considering the events of the day, it was perfectly justified to lower her standards at least once.

"Hey, are you listening? I said I'm sorry... Asuka?"

His apologies were getting pretty damn annoying.

Growling irritably, the redhead turned to glare at her partner, unwilling to express anything towards him other than complete disdain. "I'm listening, but I don't care. You don't even deserve my attention, you know, so be thankful I'm giving you that at least!" With a huff, she turned and looked out the window again. It was getting harder for her to forgive him for his actions. He would never change.

Shinji attempted to tug on the sleeve of her blouse, but she quickly elbowed him away. "Tch... Asuka, I really didn't mean to leave you like that. Really! I just... Kaworu and I started talking, and before I knew it, time had passed so quickly. I thought you would be back in a couple minutes. Any longer than that, and I would have gone after you, honest!" His voice was strained as it usually was when he was trying to hide the truth. How disgusting. "Please, don't be mad. We're getting married soon... Now isn't the time for this kind of stuff, am I right? Come on, Asuka. I... I need you."

"Need me? What a laugh. Stop the car, damn it."

The taxi driver, who had remained silent throughout the quarrel, nodded quickly and pulled over to the side of the road. Asuka leapt out as soon as she could, unwilling to remain the car with Shinji any longer than was necessary. "You don't need me, you idiot! You're just using me, and I fucking know it, so you can quit spewing your pathetic crap this way and that, because I'm not in the mood for it. I'm going to stop by Hikari's for a while - maybe the whole night, even. Don't bother waiting up for me, either. I'm not coming home until I feel like it," she shouted, ignoring the rather startled people walking past her. Shinji was trembling before her, much to her delight, and looked as if he were ready to break down at any moment. It would serve him right for his neglect. If he broke beyond the point of redemption, then surely, he understand how important she was in his life? Keeping such a thought in mind, Asuka continued on. "You just met this guy, and already you like him more than me. So you know what? Go ahead and hang out with your precious Kaworu, or whatever his name was. I don't care. You're pathetic, and so is he. When he stomps on your little heart just like everyone else in your life does, don't bother seeking comfort in me. How can I comfort you, when you can't even comfort yourself? Fool."

"A-Asuka, please, get back in the taxi. We'll discuss it when we get back to our apartment... Stop yelling." Shinji's pleas went unheard, as his fianceƩ soon slammed the passenger door shut in his face. She glared at him, silently daring him to do something, anything, to get her back into the car. A few more people passed by, glancing over at the tense couple - one looking ready to kill, the other looking tired, so tired.

A few moments later, Shinji turned away from the window, and, without so much as a second glance at the girl, nodded for the driver to start up the taxi and leave.


"Are you ready for the wedding next week?"

Ritsuko looked over at her grinning friend, a look of pointed annoyance gleaming in her eyes as she took another long, heavy drag from her cigarette. "Not really," she sighed, the bittersweet smoke curling around her face as she exhaled. "Marriage is pointless, really, and those two make it even more pointless with how naive they are. They're only doing this for the sake of it. It holds no true meaning to either of them." Her words were bitter and sharp, but really, there was no room left for sugar coated lies and forced smiles on the matter. It had been left unspoken about for far too long, despite how most people probably agreed with her. Judging by the look that had roused in Misato's eyes, it was obvious that she thought the same thing.

"Shinji cares for her deep down - I know he does. But..." She frowned and looked down at the ashtray on the bar table, unwilling to express her opinions on the matter. A sip from her can of beer followed soon after. "You need to stop being so pessimistic. Let the kids live a little, why don't you?"

The lipstick-stained remnants of the cigarette was pressed into the ashtray. "I'm being realistic, that's all. Letting people chase down foolish ideas ends in misery no matter what. You should know that better than anyone. You're just letting him and Asuka stray down the same path."

A heavy silence fell between the two friends before Misato chuckled, setting her nearly empty beer can down on the table. She smiled sourly at the other. "Shinji won't make the same mistakes as me. He's pretty smart. He must get that from his father, hm?" By the look of frustration that had pinched the normally cool and collected facade Ritsuko usually put on display, it looked like she had hit things right on the mark. Good. Wordlessly, Misato signaled the nearest waitress to bring them another round of beers.


( What will I do when I see him tomorrow? Will this heat building up inside of my chest cease by then? I hope it does... And yet at the same time, I long to feel this burning sensation forever. Is this truly the earthly feeling of love? What is love, truly? There is love between family and close friends, from what I understand, yet this is something entirely different. I yearn for him. I ache for him. Am I to die for the sake of these forbidden feelings? Is this boy of man truly worth the risk? )

Kaworu closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head in defeat. He found it impossible to sort out the emotions currently running through his mind, leaving his hopes of figuring out the human nonsense that had grasped him to die out completely. There were some things that even divine spirits could not know, it seemed. And yet that brought a sense of comfort to the angel, for if that were the case, then it was likely that the others had yet to discover his sin. There was still time... Time left to be with Shinji, in whatever way possible. The feelings that had been ignited within the very core of his being could possibly, possibly , reach the human... If only he knew how to get them across.

( Tabris, you fool. He will never understand the complexities of this situation, and neither will you. Such feelings between human and angel are forbidden. Surely, even if I managed to express this oddness to him, he would reject me. And in turn, I will be rejected by my brothers and sisters of above. God will reject me, too. I will be killed for this. )

Still, he was determined to try.

( I will reach you, Shinji Ikari. )