Blades of grass pressed against Vriska's hands. The smell of fresh dirt assaulted her nose while a chilly night time breeze ruffled her short hair. Red, crumbling rocks lay in a circle against a dark background of grass and sky. Reaching up to feel her head, she found its skin soft and its hair hornless. A pair of sunglasses rested atop her nose, which she quickly took off. Short, wobbly legs stretched out in front of her.
An iphone buzzed three inches from her hand. She grabbed it, noticing her hand's new brown coloration and long fingers. On the screen, a message stood ready to send. It consisted of the lame, boring whining of a lame, boring boy to his mildly more interesting boyfriend. She erased everything timaeusTestified wrote and thought for a second before leaving her own message.
Heeeeeeeey, GT! Do you like 8ventures?
I, timaeusTestified, am interested in the m8ther of all 8ventures, unlike the l8me stuff you've done with me 8efore. Meet me 8y this red rock circle at 5:00 sharp. I'll 8e w8ing! :::;)
She put the phone in her pocket, smiling to herself. New humans could only mean new fun. She hoisted herself to a stand and stretched her limbs.
Only one thing was left to do: explore for treasure. Choosing a direction at random, she began to walk. Hills and mounds comprised the entire landscape. Some towered fifty yards off the ground while others were small enough to trip her up as she explored.
#
A noise like grinding bones poked her ears from behind her. She whirled around, expecting her flarping coat to flare dramatically behind her before realizing she had on only a white cotton t-shirt and a pair of dark pants. The skull of what looked like a ogre floated in midair and peeked from behind a nearby hill. It moved out to face her, revealing a grey, skeletal body. Small flakes of bone peeled from it and fluttered to the ground as it moved.
"You wanna play like that?" Vriska asked, reaching for her Flourite Octet to find it missing from the human's strife specibus. She focused her psychic powers only to realize that this body had none. The skeleton ogre pawed the ground twice before charging. Vriska ducked to the side and rolled up the hill, sliding back down to land on the creature's back.
"Let's see wheight kind of strife specibus you have, human!" she shouted. A katana appeared in her hands, reminding her of Mindfang's famed sword Destroyarr, the greatest blade to ever fight in Alternian waters.
Recovering from its initial shock, the ogre shook back and forth, trying to loosen her grip. She looped her arm around a rib and slashed at it with her other hand. The sword clanked against the monster's bones, leaving only a slight scratch. No way she could keep this up long enough to defeat the beast without taking heavy damage in her weak new body. She dropped from its rib, sword in hand, and took off in a sprint. The skeleton clacked after her, churning up dirt and grass with its enormous footsteps.
A green glow shone over a hill to her left, growing brighter until its source topped the crest. Three horns, red and blue glasses, and a hideous scarf adorned the troll-sprite that floated slowly towards her. One of his arms raised itself to greet Vriska. A single finger stood like a soldier on the battlefield of his hand, mourning its fallen comrades.
As soon as she realized the combination of Sollux and Eridan didn't threaten her, she ran again, dodging left and right to confuse her pursuer.
"Hey, Diirk," he said.
"Go away! I'm busy!" she said, ducking to avoid getting stomped. "Weight! No! Don't actually leave. Come back, I need your help. Go use your spreight powers or whatever to destroy this thing!"
"Vvriis?" asked Erisolsprite. He sighed, raised a second middle finger, and shot a bright green beam at the ogre from between his hands. Both Vriska and the ogre stopped in surprise. The ogre turned around and lumbered toward Erisolsprite. It made it five steps before succumbing to the green flames. Build grist shot out in all directions and a large piece of amber knocked Vriska to the ground before disappearing.
"Eridan-Sollux sprite guy!" said Vriska as she stood up and shook the dirt off her clothes.
"Iit's Eriisolspriite," he said. His middle fingers had not retreated after the beam stopped.
"Weight-ever! Where am I? This place is boring. All monsters and no treasure."
"Thiis iis the Land of Mounds and Xenon. Jake's land. You wwere lookiing for hiim so you could kiiss or hug or wwhatevver human boys havve fun doiing. At least, you wwere untiil you turned iinto Vvriiska."
"Where's the nearest geight out of here?"
"Ii could take you up to LOCAH. That's wwhere Jake iis now. He left riight before you came to go hang wwiith Roxy and Jane. Spriites aren't supposed to liift people up to the gates but wwhatevver. You're not Jake so iit doesn't really matter."
"Take me up, then!" she said.
A small tendril of light shot from Erisolsprite's middle finger and lander on Vriska's right shoulder. It lifted her roughly and dragged her through the air. Ogre and basilisk skulls poked out from the hills below to look up. As more of the ground was revealed, she could see that the stone circle she woke up in was one of several. The verdant LOMAX hills seemed to be striated with patches of darker and lighter green. An enormous purple mist clouded the horizon.
After a few minutes of awkward motion, Vriska and Erisolsprite finally arrived at Jake's house. He dunked her into a pulsating gate and wandered off behind a large hill.
"Hey, losers! I'm here to storm your world!" she shouted as she landed on a rooftop.
