Disclaimer: ST: VOY is not mine. If it was, Kathryn would definitely have asked Chakotay for mating advice.
Author's Note: Yes, Elogium was one of my favorite episodes. The flashback consists of lines directly lifted from there with some of my commentary. :)
Mulier Est Hominis Confusio
By mistress amethyst une
Chapter 3
Kathryn left her ready room with definition eighteen still ringing in her ears.
"Kiss. K-I-S-S. Acronym. Keep it simple, stupid."
Stupid. That was the exact definition for her and the way she had been acting about her relationship with Chakotay. How could the computer hit so close to home? Kiss off, kiss ass, keep it simple, stupid… So she'd been keeping her first officer firmly pinned down beneath protocol and his desire for her leaving him no choice but to bend to her whims. The thought made her wince but she had been manipulative of late. He partially shared blame though. Why did he let her walk all over him anyway? Maybe a part of her wanted him to challenge her like he used to in the old days. She fondly remembered his resolve to get her to reconsider B'Elanna for Chief Engineer. The rebel who refused to be her "token Maquis officer…" Where had that man gone?
"You forced him into hiding, Kathryn. He's become what you wanted him to be. Starfleet."
Ugh… But she didn't need another glimmering paragon of Starfleet excellence by her side. She acted the part of Starfleet officer more than enough for both of them! Why did she force him into her mold knowing very well that might destroy everything she loved about him?
Stupid. That's why. She'd been stupid. She'd been turning him into something he wasn't. Pretty soon, she'd end up hating him for the times when he did stand up to her.
"You'll get so used to having him bend to your will that you won't accept anything less," her mind scolded, "Is that what you want? A subservient first officer who can't do anything but kiss ass? Admit it. You miss him. Miss how he used to challenge you… Stop avoiding him, Kathryn. Stop turning him into something he's not. Stop pushing him away when he doesn't conform to your standards. It's not fair that you only turn to him when you need his help then push him away when things get too close for comfort. He's not just your subordinate, he's your friend. Maybe even your best friend… Maybe more than that."
No, he couldn't be more than that. Like it or not, she was still engaged and she could not cast Mark aside that easily. Then again, they were decades from home. Her fiancé might have moved on or died by the time she got back. Heck, she might not even live to see the day Voyager reached Earth! And Voyager was no excuse… Admittedly, she'd been toying with the idea of a generational ship for quite some time. Fraternization in the lower ranks was at an all-time high and it would be cruel to discourage their romances.
"Like you've been discouraging your own?" she couldn't help but think.
Alright, so her responsibility to the ship was not a plausible reason for her to continue denying herself a deeper personal relationship with Chakotay. She distinctly recalled when he'd asked her about fraternization policies when they'd been trapped in that disturbance full of space-dwelling life forms that tried to mate with the ship. Kes had prematurely entered elogium so she didn't exactly have time to reflect on it as much as she would have liked. When she finally did find the chance to think about it, she'd found out about Ensign Sam Wildman's pregnancy and worrying about that wasn't exactly conducive to deep rumination on a delicate issue. Still, that discourse with her first officer was one she often visited in her mind. And, even if she hated to admit it, she remembered it more for how he'd subtly flirted with her than for the underlying issue...
"You seem a little preoccupied, Commander."
"This morning, I interrupted a couple who were kissing in the turbolift. And I've been wondering if we should establish a policy regarding fraternization."
She looked amused and smiled at him, "Well… The couple in question might be urged to show a bit more discretion but Starfleet has always been reluctant to regulate people's personal lives."
"Of course, but we're in a unique situation here. The development of intimate relationships might cause us problems that wouldn't arise on other ships."
He seemed to almost tense at those words, anticipating her response.
"I understand what you're saying but we're a long way from home. Everyone is lonely and all we have is each other. I think eventually people will begin to pair off."
He looked at her meaningfully.
"Including you?"
For a moment, she was caught off guard and her face betrayed her surprise. She responded as formally as she could. Best not to get his hopes up…
"As captain, that's a luxury I don't have. Besides, I intend for us to be home before… Before Mark gives me up for dead."
She tried to smile but couldn't exactly muster it and was thankful for Harry's interruption as the anomaly came into visual range.
"Well, you certainly shot him down, didn't you?" she cringed at the thought.
Who would take over the ship if it did take them seventy years to get home? She was certain she wouldn't live that long and neither would he. In fifty years, who would be taking their place? Even crewmen who were young now would definitely be old and frail by then. Sure, there was Naomi... But one child? A child who'd been raised on a starship without a father? Sure, they could train her in the Starfleet way but… Oh hell, she hadn't even considered what would happen to Naomi. If the time ever came that the crew died out, Naomi would be all alone. She would live out the rest of her days in the Delta Quadrant having had only adults for company and no one her own age to lean on. What a miserable existence for a child.
That was no excuse to jump at the chance to copulate with her first officer though. Who knew if others in the crew weren't planning on having children too? She wouldn't disapprove of any unions or marriages on board. They were going to be necessary… The realization only struck her now. Necessary. If she did pursue a relationship with Chakotay, she now had a valid reason to justify her actions to Starfleet.
But that wasn't enough… She needed to think. What if she sent him on a mission that killed him while they were in a romantic relationship? She wouldn't be able to cope. Her command performance might suffer and she would never get them home.
"You're not in a romantic relationship right now and you'd still be unable to cope if you sent him to his death. If anything, you'd be more prone to break down since he'll die not knowing how you feel," her mind pestered.
She finally made it to the turbolift, "Deck three."
It seemed she'd finally run out of reasons. Still, there was one more possibility that scared her. What if she laid out all the facts to him and gave him her heart only to be rejected? To find out that she'd misread him? That she'd seen more than there really was? The thought made her shudder. Maybe dinner wasn't such a good idea after all.
"No!" a voice inside her screamed, "You're a lot of things but you're definitely not a coward. Anything that's worth anything involves some sort of risk. In this case, his heart for yours. Just hear him out."
Fine. Tonight at dinner, she'd listen to him. Offer him her heart to cherish or destroy. Ask him how he felt about her. About both Kathryn and the Captain... No holds barred. Keep it simple, stupid.
She exited the turbolift and walked to her quarters to prepare for the second collision. A collision of hearts, minds, souls and, if she was lucky, lips once more...
OOO
As Chakotay walked back to his quarters with a basket full of vegetables from the hydroponics bay, he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Kes and Neelix had been more than eager to give him all the plant life he wanted once they found out who he was having dinner with.
"Commander," the elfin girl had said with a wry smile, "Maybe you should get her another rose. Like last time. That got you a holodate didn't it?"
He eyed the girl curiously, "How did-"
Neelix smiled, "Mr. Tuvok told us your location when you didn't show up to dinner at the mess hall that night. And we heard from quite a few crewmen how you two walked the corridor to the holodeck grinning from ear to ear and arm in arm. Oh... And speaking of corridor rumors..."
Uh oh... Here goes.
"Look, Neelix-"
Kes interrupted.
"So you finally kissed her," said the Ocampa knowingly, "Congratulations, Commander. We were so glad when we heard. And this dinner is to celebrate your relationship?"
He groaned, "I wouldn't exactly call it a kiss."
"That's not what I heard from Ensign Kaplan," said Neelix, "You were all over each other in the corridor. Kissing on the floor-"
"That's an exaggeration! Did Ensign Kaplan actually see me kissing the Captain?"
"No," said Kes, "She heard from Crewman Dalby who heard from Ensign Brooks who overheard Lieutenant Nicoletti and Crewman-"
"I get the point," sighed Chakotay, "So the whole ship knows?"
The Talaxian shrugged, "Pretty much."
He surpressed another groan, "So I suppose the betting pool Paris thinks the Captain and I know nothing about has been settled?"
"What betting pool?" asked Kes.
Chakotay shook his head, "Never mind, I'll be taking these vegetables now. I only have twenty minutes left to prepare dinner and the Captain is always on time."
"Wait," pleaded the girl as she retrieved something from a bush in the back. She returned and tucked a peach colored rose into his trouser pocket, "For luck."
He sighed. He would need it. Wait until Kathryn found out about these rumors. It sounded like the crew thought they'd been making out on the corridor floor. He could only hope she didn't know about all this talk yet. Spirits knew he wouldn't be able to confess his feelings to her and put her in her place if she had a cloud of embarrassment floating over her head.
OOO
Kathryn eyed herself in the bathroom mirror. She looked like a train wreck but her ponytail was still in place. Sighing, she straightened out her uniform and touched up her make-up.
"Good enough?"
Oh come on... It wasn't like she intended to play femme fatale and seduce him by dressing up. This was just a regular working dinner in which certain issues aside from work would be resolved. Nothing big... Besides, didn't he find her tantalizing as a woman in uniform?
"Good work, Commander. In the future, if I have any questions about mating behavior, I'll know where to go."
She grinned at the memory. Even she'd been shocked at her own audacity. Such a sexually charged statement directed at her first officer for everyone on the bridge to hear. It had been her turn to catch him by surprise and she had succeeded. She kept a mental image of his shy smile burned into her brain. It was the least she could have done to make up for rejecting him so hastily and it definitely lightened everyone's moods after that crisis. Even in uniform, she could be a vixen if she wished.
"I guess it's about time I asked those questions," she said as she gave her reflection one last encouraging smile before turning to go next door for dinner.
OOO
Chakotay quickly recycled the frilly pink apron he'd had to wear while preparing the vegetables just as the door chimed. It was undoubtedly Tom's doing. He had once let slip to the helmsman that he cooked for the Captain during working dinners and was amazed that the younger man hadn't given him any grief about it. Now, he knew why. For some odd reason, the replicator refused to recognize the parameters he'd set for an apron and would only produce ultra feminine variations. Rather than waste rations, he'd groused as he chopped vegetables for salad and stew wearing the ridiculous garment hoping Kathryn wouldn't decide to "surprise" him by coming in using her override code.
"Come in," he said breathing a sigh of relief. What would she have done if she had seen a man of his size, stature and rank in a frilly pink apron? Probably laughed herself to kingdom come and embarrassed him to death. She came in with a gentle smile on her face.
"Good evening, Chakotay."
"Same to you, Kathryn."
They walked over to the table. He straightened out his uniform and pulled out a chair for her. The table was set and a small vase containing the single rose Kes had given him served as the center piece. She sat down and he took the seat opposite her. Let the KISSing begin.
Yes, it's in all caps on purpose. Acronym reference. (winks) So what should happen at dinner? Reviews and suggestions are more than welcome. I really don't want to get stuck. I'm going to finish this! For now, I have to prepare for a date with a math test. Yes, I have nothing better to do on Valentine's day then synthetically divide. Go figure. Oh! And I passed my second Chemistry test! I got a D! (dies)
