Sirius: What are you doing, exactly?

James: Nothing. Why?

Sirius: What's new? Anyway, you look like you did something you shouldn't have.

James: I'm trying to find out what to get Lily for her birthday.

Sirius: What for? The only thing she gave you for yours was detention because she told McGonagall you were going to ambush Snivellus.

James: Ah, shut up. She didn't know it was my birthday.

Sirius: Oooh! Defending your girlfriend, are you? How could she NOT know? We destroyed the common room and hung banners everywhere, which you took the pride in tearing down five seconds after you walked in. I told Remus it was a bad idea.

James: She's NOT my girlfriend!

Sirius: She may as well be, considering how often you stick up for her and the fact that you're buying her something for her birthday. You can't escape that, ickle Prongsie!

James: I do NOT like her!

Sirius: Prove it!

James; Remus, tell this annoying, arrogant idiot to get away from me and to stop spreading rumors that I like Evans!

Remus: James says...

Sirius: I heard him. And I'm not the one spreading rumors, it's Peter.

Remus: True, for once.

Sirius: What's that supposed to mean?!?

James: It means that the annoying, arrogant idiot should get lost and leave him alone.

Sirius: But I'm YOUR annoying, arrogant idiot. And I don't want to!

James: I couldn't care less about what you want.

Sirius: Yes you do.

James, No, I don't because I hate you more than Snape!

(Sirius pretends to start crying.)

Remus: What did you do now?

James: Have you not been following?

Remus: Uh...

James: How can you listen to Binns but ignore us?

Remus: PROFESSOR Binns doesn't put me to sleep.

James: You're one of a kind. And crazy.

(Sirius begins to "sob" harder.)

Remus: Let's just put it this way: you guys are a quick cure for insomnia.

Sirius: You're both so mean!

James: This is directed at both of you: like you're not! All YOU do is read and all YOU do is complain and make negative comments about everything!

(Sirius lets out a loud wail and goes into silent "sobs" because he's laughing so hard.)

Remus: Did you really make him cry?

James: No, he's just being stupid. He likes people making fun of him.

Remus: But he's crying...

James: No, he can't breathe. There's a difference that you would notice if you kept your nose out of the books long enough to. When he can breathe, he will sound like a dying hyena, so shut up and don't make him laugh again unless you're sure he'll die from lack of oxygen next time.

Remus: Okay... Morbid, now aren't you?

James: Whatever. Stop laughing you obnoxious whatever you are! IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY!!!

(James kicks him. Sirius yells and punches him in the stomach.)

Sirius: Funny? I think not. That was hilarious!

James: Stop it or I'm going to kick you again! STOP IT!!!

(Remus and Sirius look at each other, then at James.)

Sirius: Sounds like Lily, doesn't he?

Remus: Yeah, I see your point.

Sirius: Uh... Never mind, I'll tell you later. They're so alike it's uncanny!

James: I told you to stop laughing!

(James kicks Sirius in the head twice, but he just keeps laughing.)

James: Stop it!

Sirius: Lot of fun you are. Just like a boggart, afraid laughter will finish you off. Like Snape, kind of.

James: Yeah, if you forgot that 'kind of', your head would be rolling down to the Great Hall, still laughing.

Sirius: And you say we're boring! I'm ashamed of you, Moony!

James: I still hate you, you know.

(He steps forward and Sirius backs away.)

Sirius: YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!

(Sirius runs into the common room.)

James: Come back, Padfoot! I lurve you!

(James runs after him and Remus follows, shaking his head.)

Remus: And you say I'M crazy!

James: We're all mental. Come here! I'll give you a Sickle!

Sirius: No way! I liked it better when you hated me! GET AWAY!!!

Lily: What are you doing? What did you do to him? I don't doubt that he deserves it, whatever it is, but...

(Bell rings.)

James: We have to go! If we're late again, McGonagall will kill us!

(All three hurry through the portrait hole.)

Remus: That was close! What are we going to do next time?

James: Dunno. We were saved by the bell. That's the first, and probably the last time, I'm ever going to say that.

Sirius: Get away from me, you freaky Lily-lover!