Well, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to write the next chapter of one of my stories (go look on my profile page, it'll be obvious which one I'm talking about), so I decided to be a complete arse to my reviewers and stall even longer so I can write the next chapter of the Guide. Don't you feel special?

Jan Lee: Actually, if you go back and read the previous chapter, it says the first time that the gas only has an odor. The second time James brings it up, he says it has no color (meaning you can't see it), but it does have an odor you can smell shortly before breathing the actual gas in. Consistency Nazi (that would be me), AWAY! Thanks for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Space. I'm actually planning to turn the Guide into my own illustrated book, but I can't draw, and I think I'd need way more content than what I have, so that's probably out of the question. *Holds out coffee cup that says "Reviews" while sitting on FanFiction Avenue wearing my Internet Hobo outfit*


Well, you found my next guide to surviving Necromorphs. If you haven't been keeping up, this is my guide to surviving the zombies (I call them Necromorphs) that roam the streets of this city. The last chapter was about surviving other survivors. Here's the one about the Necromorphs.

If you read the first part, you'd know that I already went over Necromorphs. I feel it's necessary to go over it again.


Part 3: Necromorphs

1. They Can and Will Swarm You

Necromorphs are surprisingly smart, despite being made of dead people. They know tactics. And the best tactic they know is to swarm you. As you may know by personal experience (but you probably don't), Necromorphs are a lot more deadly while surrounding you than they are when your back's to a wall (ironic as that is, it's the truth). Necromorphs seem to know that they have numbers advantages, and will attack you on sight if they learn they have that advantage. Not to imply that they won't attack you on sight otherwise, because they will, but if they're in groups it complicates matters immensely.

2. Do Not Hide from Them

As covered in the first part of the Guide, Necromorphs seem to have this uncanny ability to detect where humans are. Contradictory to what I said in the last part, you should never try hiding from a Necromorph, as opposed to hiding from EarthGov soldiers. Even the headless ones will find a way to locate you, which leads me to my next point:

3. A Headless Necromorph is probably an Alive Necromorph

This caught me off-guard so many times. I shot their heads off, thought that I had killed the Necromorphs, tried running past them, and then they turned to attack me. Necromorphs, like some zombies (the ones that contradict the norm), can survive decapitation. The only exceptions are with the weird grey toddler Necromorphs (seriously, look out for those, because they do travel in packs) and occasionally with the larger grey Necromorphs that puke acid at you (I'll have to make up some names for them later).

4. They can Play Dead, and they are Really Good at It

As covered in the last part of the Guide, Necromorphs can play dead and use their bodies as traps. They are very committed to this ruse when they decide to use it. At one point, a partner and I encountered a dead Necromorph. We shot three shots each into it, and then walked away when we were confident it was dead. It immediately stood up when our backs were turned and cut off the head of my partner. I feel it's necessary to restate that Necromorphs are really smart, all things considered.

5. Glowing Orange Parts

I stated in Part One that you shouldn't shoot the glowing orange parts on Necromorphs. Part One is filled with holes like that. Here's the truth. Don't shoot the glowing orange parts on any Necromorphs that you can tell are made out of one person. Those parts will explode. If the Necromorphs are made of more than one person (you can tell because these ones are much more massive than the norm), then shoot the god damned orange parts! Those are what are holding the thing together! … But really, if you're that close to a massive Necromorph, then you are doing something seriously wrong.

6. Kill the Wall Men

I've run into some Necromorphs that were pinned to walls. If you get close, they'll instantly decapitate you (I bet you know how I found that out). If you try distancing yourself, they'll fire exploding pods of flesh at you. Just kill them. Let me go a little further. If you see someone pinned to a wall, anyone, just kill them. It'll make someone's day a little easier later on, because those people will eventually turn into Necromorphs. But here's the kicker: I think that these Necromorphs (I nicknamed them Wall Men) are still alive. I killed one (of the Necromorph variety, not the human kind), and I literally heard it yell in pain, "Thank you!" The humans stuck to walls asked me to kill them "before they turn". If you were going to earn any morality points for the afterlife at any time, now would probably be best time. Mercy killing for the win.

7. Don't Play Dead

Anyone who plays dead is an absolute idiot. That's what the Necromorphs do, and they don't take kindly to imitators. Not even the suicidal exploding babies are dumb enough to fall for it. The suicidal exploding babies. If you've seen other people getting away with it, don't copy them. If it ever worked, it stopped working a long time ago. Also, the infector bat-like Necromorphs might fall for it, but then they'll think you're a dead body and will infect you alive anyways, so…

8. You will never be safe from the Necromorphs

I already covered this in Part One, but just in case you didn't read that, then remember this. You know how I said that you couldn't hide from Necromorphs? Yeah, you still can't. And get this: they know if you're hiding. It's been a pain in the ass trying to stay awake, because there are so many places to sleep for the night; but I know that if I stop anywhere, the Necromorphs will find me and they will fuck me up. Every locked room has a vent. Every door has a limit. Every bunker has its weak point. Every cage has its openings. You'll never be safe as long as you're still here. If you've got a partner helping you out, and if you can trust them enough (you'd better not), then maybe they can stand guard while you take a nap. Maybe you'll wake up in time to see that either you've got a knife to your throat, or that he's already dead and you're about to be turned into a human pincushion, you goddamn dumbass.

9. Necromorphs are Smart, not Wise

I've said a few times now that Necromorphs are smart. They've got their own sense of tactics, they can bide their time and wait through pain, they can even play dead. But they aren't intelligent. They have a tendency to overestimate their abilities, trip over themselves, and hurt each other when nearby. The main thing I notice is that their main tactic is to charge blindly toward you in an attempt to turn you into a pincushion. Use this to your advantage. They typically don't get out of the way of incoming projectiles. I've floored a countless many Necromorphs by throwing vending machines at them (I love Kinesis).

10. Don't Touch the Blades

When you cut off the limbs of the Necromorphs with weird backward arms, I know it's tempting to use the spear at the end as a weapon. Matter of fact, do that; you'll need the assistance. But do not touch the spears with your hands. I saw some liquid coming off of the end that looked very similar to the liquid coming off of the infecting Necromorphs' Infect-o-spears. What I'm saying is, don't touch the things with your bare hands, because it will gnaw through your skin and get into your bloodstream, which will probably turn you into a Necromorph. Did I mention that the blade is still alive even after you sever it? Yeah. It is. Be careful.

11. The Annoying Little Blobs

Let me help you visualize something. You're walking into a room. There's a dead body on the floor. You lean over to steal (you can call it borrowing, but then you're just a liar) their RIG's ID piece, so that you can steal some money out of their Store's account, so you can buy nicer things for yourself. Suddenly, you're feeling immense pain all over your body, as if something is biting you. Let me give you advice on your current situation. Run from the dead body. Drop on the floor. Roll. You aren't on fire, but you're covered in tiny Necromorphs that can eat you alive. Through a RIG (if you don't have one by now and you're still alive, then you might just be Space Jesus, or you're just stupid). I don't even know how it's possible, but it is, apparently. These annoying buggers look like tiny balls of… skin, I guess. Anyways, the way to kill them is to generally apply any amount of force to them (just touching them is enough). By far they are the easiest Necromorphs to kill (besides the explosive blokes, obviously). But odds are, you can't reach every single point on your body where they have attached (I can, thank god for my double joints), so the easiest solution is stop, drop, and roll. Unless there's other Necromorphs around. Then you should suck it up and take the pain like a man. And then immediately roll on the ground like a little girl once they're dead. Whatever you do, don't flail yourself around like a madman. That just helps them dig in. But it… also gets them off? I don't know, I saw some weird guy in a fancy RIG flailing and I'm just going to assume it works, because he just kept walking afterward. But I tried it and it hurt like a bitch once I did, so hell if I know.

12. No Mercy

This is self-explanatory. The Necromorphs won't spare you. You can beg to them, offer them tribute, worship them, pretend you're one of them, run from them, hide from them, try to befriend them, try to establish dominance over them, try using black magic to take over their minds, killing them and using the bodies as a disguise from other Necromorphs, spare them and hope that they've lost their honor so they won't attack you, give them your friends as a sacrifice to save your own life, and try to hypnotize them into becoming your friends, but they will not spare you. Trust me, I have seen every single one of the listed items fail. Every single one. They don't work. Necromorphs won't spare you. Remember to return the favor. Preferably with superheated pieces of metal.


Hope this edition helps you. If I can come up with anything else to add, you might find it here in the city, but hopefully I'll be gone by then.


In case you were wondering, yes, James Foral is British. What was your first clue, James saying stuff like "Bugger", "Sod", and "Bloke", or him being so damn sarcastic all the time?

Anyways, if I'm going to write another chapter for the Guide, it'll probably be about what weapons to use against Necromorphs, and whether they're any good or not. But I'll need some reviews for that, and I have a pessimistic doubt that I'll get them.

Read, review, and check out my stories. Anonymous reviews welcome Come back later because I might have updated one of my stories by then.