Of Poetry and Prose: Chapter Three
Standing here waiting at her door time seems to be moving extremely slow. And the internal debate that I'm having with myself is actually making my stomach spasm. I want to leave and believe that everything can just go on as it always has, but I know Jones was right and I will lose so much more if I keep pushing her away. I still have no idea what I'm even going to say to her, maybe I should have waited until tomorrow to talk to her.
"Jake," she said opening the door, "didn't think I'd find you on my doorstep tonight." I was surprised to find her smiling after our earlier ordeal.
"I'm still not sure I made the right decision in coming," I explained.
"Feel free to leave and I'll pretend you were never here, but don't expect Ezekiel to afford you the same courtesy."
"Jones is here?" I asked looking past her into her apartment.
"He bailed out the window when you knocked on the door."
"Of course he did."
"You want to come in, or are you still debating?" she asked opening the door wider.
"I'm already here, so I might as well come in if you're offering," I uttered as I crossed the threshold into her apartment. I followed her into the main room where the TV was filled with the credits from a movie that she must have just finished watching with Jones. I'd been to her apartment on a couple of occasions but always with either Jones or Baird present as well. Now being here felt much more intimate than I had anticipated.
"Can I say something and have you listen without interrupting?" Cassie asked as we both sat on her sofa. I found that I liked the way she curled her feet under her a little too much for my tastes right now.
"I think I can manage that," I agreed.
"Okay, good. I want you to know that I do understand how hard this is for you. You have to realize I never thought I'd have any of this: friends, family, and a job I love and that actually uses my math skills. I know that you feel the same way, even if it's for different reasons. I also know there are countless obstacles standing before us, so even if we might want to change our relationship there's no guarantee we could. What I want more than anything is for you to just stop pushing me away every time I get too close. That's the only thing I need to change right now, everything else can be taken one day at a time." She spilled out her words in a manner that I can only associate with her. The way she talks with her entire being, using her hands and the way her body language can reflect every word. It's almost like when she's having one of her episodes, but without the math and incoherent babbling.
"Can I talk now?" I asked when I was sure she was finished. I still wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say to her, especially after her insight into our relationship.
"Yes, I think I said everything I wanted for now," she said before smoothing out her skirt and folding her hands on her lap.
"I don't know if I can promise what you're asking. I want to, I really do, but I don't know if I can. You said you understand why this is hard for me, so I'm hoping that you can understand this too. Everything about you scares me Cassie. You alone have the power to hurt me."
"You realize I only have the power to hurt you because you give it to me, right?"
"I guess I never really thought about it that way. But do you understand why I can't promise to stop pushing you away?"
"I understand why you think you can't make such a promise, so I guess that's a yes."
"What do you mean why I think I can't?"
"Jake, you're the one putting parameters on your relationships whether they're with me, Jones, Baird, or your family. You dictate who can see what, and you decide what you're willing to do in order to keep those relationships in the boxes you've designated them to."
"Is that really how you see me?"
"I see who you let me see, which I think is more than most people in your life get to see. You basically told me you prefer your relationships not to be about who you really are during our first little talk about trust after the labyrinth. I love the Jake that I have the chance to know, and I'm sure I'll love you even more if you ever decide to tear down those walls and let me, or anyone for that matter, in."
"You love me?" I asked stunned at her confession.
"Of course I do. While I know that you don't trust me, that hasn't stopped you from looking past the brain grape to see me for who I am. Everyone sees the tumor and never really looks past it. You're always there to help me if I need you. I can talk to you like this about life, about anything really, and even when we disagree we can still get to where we need to be. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah Cassie, it does. I know you and how your mind works, so it makes perfect sense."
"So where does this leave us now? I mean you won't make me any promises about keeping me at arms' length and you know how I feel about you."
"I don't know. Do you mind if we just table it all for now and see what happens?"
"Sure." She sounds a little dejected and it hurts, but I understand that as of right now she's the only one who has put their feelings of the table. She's the only one who has opened a door and now I'm closing it without a chance.
"Well, I'd better head home," I said getting up. I have so much I need to think about now. If I thought I had problems with our relationship before I got here they just became a whole lot more complicated than I could have imagined. What really gets me is that what Cassie asked for isn't something I couldn't really make an effort to give, but she was right when she said that things will only change when I finally decide to let them.
"Goodnight Jake," she whispered before lightly kissing my cheek.
"Night Cassie," I added before walking out the door.
Hey there all of you wonderful readers. This chapter decided to come together pretty easily, and I hope you enjoy it. The story seems to be going in a different direction than I originally had planned, so I'm thinking there might be quite a few more chapters instead of just one or two. Since the story started shortly after The Rule of Three I think I might be able to take the story through the rest of the season meaning the next chapter will hopefully take place after The Heart of Darkness.
I hope that you all enjoy this chapter and will continue to show your wonderful support. I greatly appreciate all of you for your follows, favorites, and especially taking the time to review. If you have any ideas that will help me to write a better story I am always open for suggestions and just love hearing from you. Thank you & enjoy!
