CHAPTER 2:

PISTON

I was hurled against a wall by the force of the grenade explosion. I felt the distinctive feeling of the Sci-Zone well up within. I plunged into it, and felt the world become simple again.

I surged to my feet, and pointed at the varied bandits who were now staring at me. "I will put you on the highway to Hell! For Sci…YARGH!"

I was interrupted by Athena yanking me off my feet and behind some cover. "Less ham, more harm," she hissed, before hurling her Aspis shield at the gathered assailants.

It took me a while to recover, and then, I snarled, "Do NOT interrupt my introduction again!"

"If it keeps you alive, I'll interrupt what I need to," Athena snapped, as the Aspis returned to her arm.

I glared at her. There were some things that weren't on, and interrupting my introduction was one of them.

DOCTOR RICHARD SNYDER

Do NOT Interrupt Him When He's Chewing the Scenery!

Of course, it would help if we weren't in this situation, but members of competing gangs were warring in the area near the arena, and Torgue, in a move as inspired as it was insane, had armed his employees and set them upon each other.

Eventually, we vanquished them all, and I fell out of the Sci-Zone in time for Krieg to bellow, "JAUNDICE-SACK AND ANGEL-GIRL ARE STILL BADASS!"

"Thank you kindly, Krieg," I muttered. I still didn't like that damned nickname of his.

Suddenly, someone spoke to us over ECHO, someone who seemed to be Pandora's number one cybernetics fetishist…though he would have been number two until Wilhelm died. "Piston's talking to you guys," he said, with a voice as deep as an abyssal trench and darker than an event horizon of a black hole. "I'm impressed with how you're handling yourselves out there, Vault Hunters. Torgue's telling me you need a sponsor, and I'm willing to take you guys on as apprentices. Come to the arena to find me. If you're having trouble, follow the succulent smell of success."

We weren't that far from the arena anyway, and we soon found our caller, a hulking cyborg, all muscle, machismo and metal, his jaw little more than a steel trap of metal. Instead of hands, he had energy weapons, with a third mounted on his back. He was being interviewed by a cameraman, who was saying, "Piston, what would you say to those who accuse you of cheating, of rigging fights to gain your number one ranking?"

The bulky cyborg chuckled, before saying, "Well, Jeffrey, I'd guess I'd have to do this!" He then raised one of the energy cannons and shot the cameraman, sending him sprawling to the ground in a smoking heap. Piston then began stomping the body furiously, saying, "And then I'd say to NEVER! CALL ME! A CHEATER!" Calming down, he then addressed the cameraman's camera. "Oh, and you can quote me on that."

PISTON

Number One Champion, or Number One Cheater?

I went over to the cameraman. I had one of Dr Zed's healing kits on me, and as I injected it into him, I muttered to Piston, "Overreaction, much?"

"Hey, when you're the champ, you get a lot of shit flung at you. I don't like shit getting flung at me." Piston peered at me with his piggy little eyes. "So, you're the infamous Doctor Snyder who killed Handsome Jack, huh? You don't look like much, but then again, I know better than anyone that appearances can be deceiving." His eyes flickered over to Angel. "And the Guardian Angel. You're a lot smaller than I thought you'd be. Saw your lightning trick, though, while you fought those idiots. Shock and awe, the audience love it."

"Thanks, I guess," Angel said.

"I know of the rest of you. Zer0, the mysterious assassin. Athena, the not-so-mysterious assassin. Gaige, the roboteer. Salvador, the gunzerker. Krieg, the Psycho. And Maya and Lilith, both seasoned Siren combatants. Vault Hunters working together with the champ to open this new Vault together. The audience will love it."

"You might get your chance sooner than you think," I said. "I have bags of my blood, and bags of Jack's blood. Just seeing if spilling those over the Vault will open them, though it's a long shot. If it does open, the tournament continues, only with the weapons inside the Vault."

For a moment, Piston considered it, before saying, "Piston thinks this is an intriguing idea."

I thought to myself, And Doctor Snyder thinks that talking about yourself in the third person is pretentious, but nobody's perfect.

"Of course, as you say, it's a long shot," Piston purred. He didn't seem to think it would work, and to be honest, neither did I. "Are you ready for the challenge of the arena regardless?"

"Piston, you have Vault Hunters here," Lilith said, a little irritably. "Three Sirens, two assassins, a pair of bloodthirsty maniacs, and a couple of geeks with major issues left over from high school bullying. We're VERY ready."

I nearly objected to that description of being a geek with issues. But then again, that did sort of fit Gaige and me fairly well. It also fit Lilith, too, though she had put herself firmly into the Siren category.

"The arena waits,

Blood will spatter on the sand,

My sword desires death."

Zer0's haiku seemed to do what Lilith's list didn't. Piston grunted, and nodded towards the arena doors. The cameraman, who had recovered, was already heading there, presumably to get away from Piston. Couldn't say I blame him. One didn't want to get shot in the chest twice. I was lucky I got to him when I did. He would have died, and if he didn't have enough money to use a New-U station, or wasn't registered, well…

Piston interrupted my train of thought. "Then Piston will sponsor you. Piston will take you under his muscly wing, and we will open that Vault together. Always assuming that Doctor Snyder's plan doesn't work, of course," he said. "I'll go and set you up with a fight, but I think Torgue will have Snyder come on to try his thing first. But when it comes to the fight, show them that Piston and the Vault Hunters are a force to be reckoned with."

As we approached the doors, Piston striding off elsewhere, Torgue decided to make himself known over the ECHOnet. "IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES HE SEEM LIKE HE'S GONNA BETRAY THE F**K OUTTA YOU?!"

I froze, and then turned to watch as Piston turned a corner. That touchiness about being called a cheater…why the number one champion would sponsor us…and then, there was the fact that he reminded me uncomfortably of Wilhelm, if Wilhelm was more like a professional wrestler than a mercenary. I knew, offhand, three cyborgs: Wilhelm, Sir Hammerlock, and Gaige. Piston made a fourth. You could probably count Angel as a fifth, as she had cybernetic implants Jack put into her to enhance her Phase-shift abilities. Angel, Gaige, and Hammerlock were decent people, even if Gaige was a bit on the bloodthirsty side in battle. But Wilhelm was a monster.

So what did that make Piston?

It was Krieg, or at least his sane personality, who remarked, "I dunno about you guys, but I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Same shit, different day?" I asked, using the phrase for the second time that day.

"Heh. Close enough," Krieg said.


I stood at the edge of the arena. For the moment, only Angel and Athena stood with me. The others would come if (well, once) the blood failed to open the Vault. Angel was a given, but Athena insisted that, as our bodyguard, she was obligated to accompany us. Plus, she still had the blood bags.

It was basically a big, sandy expanse, with crude structures pocked with bullet holes and splattered with gore. In the middle was a hole covered with an immense hatch. The Vault, I realised.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" Torgue's voice bellowed from loudspeakers, as the crowd watching from the stands went wild. "GIVE IT UP FOR THE MOST BADASS REPRESENTATIVES OF HYPERION YOU WILL EVER SEE: THE MAD DOCTOR SNYDER, THE GUARDIAN ANGEL, AND THE ASSASSIN GODDESS ATHENA!"

I was surprised at the applause we got. Then again, I was known at least for being the killer of Handsome Jack. That probably got me some kudos from the citizens of Pandora.

"THESE THREE BADASSES WILL BE JOINED SHORTLY BY THE VAULT HUNTERS, BUT FIRST, DR SNYDER WOULD LIKE TO ATTEMPT TO OPEN THE VAULT WITH EITHER HIS BLOOD, OR THE BLOOD OF HANDSOME JACK! WISH HIM LUCK, FOLKS!"

Torgue then started playing a song I had arranged with him to play earlier. It was an ancient song, and a chintzy song, but it was one of my favourites, and it was on my music player. A familiar bassline began playing, and then, the lyrics began.

I cross the void beyond the mind,

The empty space which circles time.

I see where others stumble blind,

To seek a truth they never find.

Eternal wisdom is my guide.

I am the Doctor!

I was surprised when, after a few seconds, many in the audience began stomping and clapping along with the beat. I reckoned that few of them had ever heard of Doctor Who, or even that bastardised version on the ECHOnet, Blue Box Adventures(1). And the song was a fairly cheesy one. But it was sung by one of the actors to play the Doctor, Jon Pertwee.

Through cosmic wastes the TARDIS flies,

To taste the secret source of life,

A presence science cannot deny exists,

Within, outside, behind

The latitude of human minds.

I am the Doctor!

Athena looked a bit annoyed at the music. "This was popular?" she asked.

"The show it was based on was," I said back. "Dunno about the song."

"Semi-mystical bullshit," she muttered.

"Be thankful I didn't use Doctorin' the TARDIS," I said with a grin. "Then you'd want to kill me(2)."

"Then it's a good thing you didn't tempt fate," Athena said. "Because I am sure if I tried to kill you, Angel would try to kill me. It would be messy."

My voyage dissects the course of time.

"Who knows?", you say, but are you right?

Who searches so deep to find the light

That glows so darkly in the night?

Towards that point, I guide my flight.

As fingers move to end mankind,

Metallic teeth begin to grind,

With sword of truth, I turn to fight

The satanic powers of the night.

Is your faith before your mind?

Know me.

Am I the Doctor?

We were now at the hatch, and Athena handed me the blood bags. I decided to do mine first. It was somewhat eerie, watching liquid that had once sustained my own life, pouring out all over the hatch.

And nothing happened. Well, big surprise there.

I then opened up the blood bag of Handsome Jack, and began pouring it all over the hatch. Suddenly, the hatch seemed to move, and startled, we all stepped away. But the damned thing didn't actually open.

"Why did it react the second time?" Athena asked.

"Because we nearly got it right," I muttered. "Maybe he wasn't the biggest coward on Pandora, just the most famous. And it could be that he had to die here." Just useless speculation, of course. Looks like Torgue was going to get his tournament after all.

The man was delighted. "It seems like neither Jack nor Snyder are the ultimate cowards! This is particularly heartening for the latter, AS I EXPECT HIM TO FIGHT LIKE THE BADASS KILLER OF HANDSOME JACK SHOULD!"

Soon, the others joined us, running to join us in the centre of the arena. "Well, that was disappointing," Lilith said.

"Testing theories:

The basis of all science.

Now comes the battle."

Zer0's haiku was immediately upstaged by Krieg, who was currently in the grips of his insane persona. "THE VOID COMES SCREAMING FOR US ALL! WE FIGHT IN FUTILITY FOR A FEW GASPS MORE OF SWEET SWEET BREATH!"

"Yeah, what he said!" Salvador cheered.

Athena looked at Lilith. "They're worse than Brick, aren't they?" she asked.

Lilith nodded. "But they're good to have your back in a fight. Doc, Angel, you two ready?"

"As ready as I'd ever be," Angel said, a sentiment I could only agree with.

That's when Piston made himself known via ECHO. "Well, looks like it didn't work. Oh well. Normally, your matches will be against a single opponent, but I thought: eh. Besides, you're in a group. So what you guys are going to do is be fighting a few dozen chumps called the Horde of Horrors. I could kick their asses with both pecs tied behind my back, but you might want to take it easy."

I blinked. "How do you tie pectoral muscles behind your back? I mean, that sounds lethal, anatomically inconvenient, and probably impossible."

"Doctor Snyder, you're in the middle of an arena that, if you're not careful, is gonna get soaked in your blood. Fresh blood, rather than from a bag, anyway. You shouldn't be takin' apart Piston's metaphors. Get your priorities straight, before your opponent bends your spine."

As if on cue, Torgue made himself known. "Okay! The rules are simple. The Vault Hunters have to survive a fight to the death against the Horde of Horrors! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE VAULT HUNTERS VERSUS THE HORDE OF HORRORS! FIGHT!"


I won't bore you with the details of that fight, or with my crappy writing of fight scenes. It was mostly a blur anyway. I went into the Sci-Zone, and got socked in the jaw by Athena before I could do my little intro. Goddammit, doesn't she have any sense of theatre?

Of course, everyone fought well. Like Piston predicted, Angel's lightning bolt attacks went down well with the crowd, and I was pleased that the other contestants seemed to be merely bandit gangs who wanted to fight. We worked well as a team, with Krieg apparently suffering little to no loss to his fighting abilities after his rebirth in a mangled body.

But Piston made rather snide remarks, calling us sloppy, and slow. Torgue's comments about Piston betraying us preyed a little on my thoughts, even as I killed in the Sci-Zone. Torgue was somewhat more supportive, in his usual, ridiculously overenthusiastic way.

Once we had finished, Torgue proclaimed us to have leapt up to number five on the leaderboard. And then, Piston called. "Piston is proud of you. I've arranged for the stagehands to deliver some weapons for you. Piston thinks this will be the start of a beautiful relationship."

We were all wary, save for Salvador, who hurried to the box that was digistructed in the middle of the arena, and opened it. Big surprise, there was nothing. "Hey, what gives, cabron?!" Salvador snarled. "You said there'd be weapons."

Piston laughed, though this seemed to only come through ECHO. "I'm not gonna share the Vault with anyone, even the vanquishers of Handsome Jack. You may be good, but I am the greatest fighter who ever lived! I will open the Vault myself, and you will get the hell out of MY arena."

"Over my dead body!" Salvador bellowed, before suddenly, a blast of green, pungent gas erupted from vents all over the arena.

As Salvador collapsed, I sniffed. I recognised that distinctive smell. "Harmstrong Gas?"

"Oh, you're good, Doctor Snyder. I've turned off the cameras, and the audience has had their view blocked. They're protected by a force-field, you see, one that can turn opaque if necessary. Hyperion's going to get the blame for this, along with their patsies: you. Now, breathe deep, and pass out, like the good little cowards you are…"

As I sagged to the ground, the darkness eating away at my vision, my last conscious thought was that my alternative hypothesis was confirmed: Piston was a bastard. And he would regret showing his hand so early…well, energy cannon thingy…

CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:

And there you have it. I know this was published rather quickly after the first chapter, but I was already halfway through it when I published the first chapter.

I'm beginning a running gag of Snyder being interrupted during his speech whenever he enters the Sci-Zone. Darkstar248 gave me the idea when he said he was cringing every time Snyder says 'For Science!', and wondered what would happen if someone interrupted him.

It might be a while before the next chapter, or it might not be. Depends on the inspiration.

Oh, and by the way, obviously I don't own the music or lyrics to Who is the Doctor?. I dunno who the lyrics were by, but Jon Pertwee sang it.

1. The series Blue Box Adventures is an ersatz version of Doctor Who mentioned in Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep, when asking questions to prove Torgue's geek credentials. I thought it'd be interesting to discuss whether the two are related, and both exist in the Borderlands universe.

2. Doctorin' the TARDIS is debatably one of the most famous pop-songs ever to be based off the Doctor Who theme song. It is also one of the cheesiest songs ever done, being a hybrid of a Gary Glitter song and the theme tune. You've probably heard it, or heard someone singing it.