Good evening everyone. As always, thanks to all of you that have reviewed. This story is much more "angsty" than "Perfection", and certainly not everyone's cup of tea. That's probably why I wrote them both about the same time - when I was in the mood for more angst, I worked on this one and when I was in a bit lighter mood, then I worked on the other one. I had a reviewer ask if Kouga was in this one and sadly, no. Although in retrospect, I wish I'd put him in and think I could have fit him into the storyline . . . sigh . . .
I had a reviewer comment that the beginning of this story is similar to ajj7sunhawk's wonderful story, "Strength," and I agree, the initial plot device to get Inuyasha into his current condition is very similar. I messaged ajj7sunhawk a couple of years ago when I was just getting started with it and they gave me the go ahead to continue with my story. I think the rest of the story deviates quite and bit and should be original enough to stand on its own. And, by the way, if any of you out there are reading this story and haven't read any of ajj7sunhawk's works, then I would more than love to point you in that direction as they are fabulous and I have wiled away many an enjoyable hour reading and re-reading them. Thanks ajj7sunhawk! I hope to read more from you again someday soon :-)
Okay . . . With all that said, this chapter is once again ruff on our favorite InuHanyou. Don't worry, one of the reason's I keep writing Inuyasha fanfics is because I love his resilience. In Inuyasha's world (at least the one I've created for him), being true to himself will eventually pay high dividends.
Again, I own nothing nor do I make any money off torturing poor Inuyasha. Now, on with Chapter 3 . . .
Placing a hand to the trunk of the Goshinboku tree, Inuyasha steadied himself as another wave of dizziness assaulted his senses. As with every other one, this bought passed within the blink of an eye but as usual, it did not take the constant fatigue he felt with it. Frowning, the hanyou was beginning to wonder if the monk wasn't right, that his symptoms were more than simply not sleeping well. Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe his bastard of a brother had poisoned him somehow. Shivering, Inuyasha didn't even want to think about the type of fluids his body had been subjected to that night, nor what kind of things it might have carried with it.
Steadier now, Inuyasha's eyes traveled to the sky. The new moon was tonight, and he always felt worse a day or two before it. Annoyed with thoughts of his own weakness, the hanyou decided he would just wait and see how he felt after tonight. In the past, his body always seemed to heal itself of whatever was wrong when he changed from human to hanyou so it stood to reason that it might cure whatever the fuck was going on with him now.
Content with that line of reasoning, Inuyasha rubbed his stomach, feeling the pinch of hunger gnawing at him. Anymore, it seemed like he was always hungry and yet couldn't eat much at one time. Used to, when he was alone and fending for himself in the woods, he would eat sporadically. Days with no food would go by; then he'd make a kill and gorge himself on the carcass, only to have the cycle repeat itself. His body had gotten used to this kind of purging and the pangs of hunger had receded, or, at least he'd been better able to ignore it. But now that didn't seem to be the case. Mumbling a quiet, "-Keh, I'm gettin' as soft as that damn wolf," Inuyasha began making his way back towards Kaede's hut, hoping there was still a little bit of stew left from earlier in the afternoon.
Head down, Inuyasha was deep in thought regarding the state of his appetite, blissfully unaware of the visitor now standing with Rin. Breathing in, the hanyou took two more steps before another breath was necessary and in that breath, Inuyasha felt his world come to a screeching halt. Limbs deathly still, heart racing and skin cold with a fine sheen of immediate sweat, the hanyou pulled his lips back, pulling in a larger draught of Sesshomaru tainted air. This time, the scent was too strong; too fresh to even begin to hope it was simply coming from Rin. No, this wasn't some leftover flavor; it was the real gods be damned thing.
Lifting his head, Inuyasha's amber eyes stared, wide and horrified as the being he never, ever, wanted to see again, stood – cold and unfeeling as ever as a small, human child babbled on endlessly. In that instant, time stopped as Inuyasha's eyes locked with that of his brother. Of course he'd known that at some point Sesshomaru would come to visit his little pet human, but his bastard of a brother's visits were impossible to predict and because the jackass suppressed his youkai when he did come, none of them typically had any inclination he was on his way until the pristine prick simply materialized out of thin air, and yes, sometimes that was exactly how the Lord of the West arrived.
Heart hammering, Inuyasha's slicked down ears perked when he heard the low, cold voice of his brother order, "Quiet, Rin."
Instantly, the child beamed, "Yes, Lord Sesshomaru."
Not once did the Lord of the West look down toward his ward. Instead, Sesshomaru's icy eyes remained fixed upon Inuyasha's. Still staring, the InuDaiYoukai instructed, "Rin, leave me."
Smile still firmly in place, Rin did exactly that, a quick, "Yes, Lord Sesshomaru," ringing through the air before she darted off to parts unknown.
How long Inuyasha stayed there, rooted to his spot, he didn't know. Right then it was as if the rest of the world had disappeared, leaving only he and the being he now feared as the only things that existed. In the background, the hanyou could vaguely hear the voices of the villagers as they went about their day, completely ignorant to the overwhelming pain constricting his chest, rooting his clawed toes to the earth below.
Silently, Inuyasha watched as Sesshomaru moved closer, the InuDaiYoukai's movements deceptively delicate. And, with each step, the hanyou could feel his fear rise, his heart hammering until he thought it would be impossible for his chest to contain such a fearsome beast. Despite his doubts, Inuyasha was still alive and whole, chest and all, when Sesshomaru finally came to a stop in front of him, the Lord of the West's cold, calculating eyes skimming up and down his frozen frame.
And then, time jolted to a start with one simple word, "Inuyasha."
Sucking in a harsh, deep breath, Inuyasha felt his hands clench into tight fists, his claws nearly piercing his skin. Gritting his teeth, he fought down the scream that was pushing at this throat. Later, much later, he could break down, but not now. Not in front of Sesshomaru. And so, pulling upon ever last vestige of sanity he had left, Inuyasha spat, "What the fuck do you want, asshole?"
Completely undeterred and unmoved by both the half-breed's vehemence and crassness, instead, the Lord of the West ignored his brother's spoken words, too interested in Inuyasha's body language. For the first time in a very, very long time, the hanyou was frightened – frightened of him. And, for the first time in Sesshomaru's life, he didn't like the idea of terrifying his younger sibling, at least, not for the reason's he presumed to be the cause.
Believing he could easily rectify the situation, Sesshomaru stated, "Your fear is unfounded. This Sesshomaru is no longer under the influence of – "
"Shut up." With terror and fury both vying for attention, Inuyasha's voice was a deadly whisper.
Used to his brother's lack of respect, Sesshomaru disregarded Inuyasha's demand as he always did. "I am simply attempting to make you aware of why – "
"We are not talking about this."
Believing the half-breed's motives to be foolish, Sesshomaru scolded, "You wish to remain in your ignorant fear then?"
Claws now piercing through his skin, small droplets of blood began raining down upon the grass below. "I know all about the damned fury youkai and that you wouldn't come close to touching me that way if you were even halfway sane, so just shut the fuck up. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna think about it. All I wanna do is forget about it so as far as I'm concerned, it never happened."
Expression still as cold and apathetic as always, Sesshomaru revealed none of his inner thoughts, most of which revolved around the naiveté of what his little brother was saying. Clearly, such thinking was not improving the situation. But, it was not his problem. Sesshomaru had attempted to alleviate the situation and the stubborn hanyou had rejected his assistance. If that was the way Inuyasha wanted it, then so be it. Taking in a breath, the Lord of the West was about to say just that when he noticed that something smelled . . . off. Pulling his lips back, Sesshomaru inhaled deeper, the coppery scent of the half-breed's bloodied hands sifting through his senses. Having both smelled and tasted his brother's blood before, the InuDaiYoukai could tell there was something different – something subtle and . . . sweet to the scent.
Perplexed, Sesshomaru moved slightly forwards, hoping to breath in a larger sample of Inuyasha's blood, but that small movement caused his sibling to jump back and the Lord of the West found himself staring down his father's fang, Tessaiga.
"Don't you fuckin' come closer."
Body now motionless, Sesshomaru's golden eyes stared forwards. Although the words Inuyasha had spoken were meant to be harsh and commanding, the quiver resonating through them spoke loudly of the hanyou's underlying fear. And, as it turned out, Inuyasha's voice wasn't the only thing to waver. Arm extended, Tessaiga vibrated in the air before him, the small movements were most likely too miniscule for the human eye to detect, but to the InuDaiYoukai's eyes, the blade was a blur of uncertainty.
Easily noting the flushed tones of the hanyou's skin, Sesshomaru looked beyond the façade his little brother portrayed. Given the half-breed's new angle, Sesshomaru easily noted the darkened skin below the hanyou's eyes along with the slightly sunken skin of his cheeks. It appeared as if Inuyasha's mental status was not the only casualty of that night.
Uncertain in his own right, Sesshomaru felt his own youkai's frustration over the hanyou's condition and couldn't figure out exactly why. In the past, the beast had more than been ready to rend his little brother's flesh from his bones, and yet now, his inner demon seemed, for lack of a better word, upset.
In a rare moment, Sesshomaru was unsure what to do and as his mind debated the matter, the soft tinkling of metal upon metal was heard. Eyes shifting in the direction of the noise, the Lord of the West felt his ire inexplicably rise as he saw that lecherous monk drawing closer and closer to the half-breed.
"Go back in the hut, monk. This ain't got nothin' to do with you."
Slightly satisfied with Inuyasha's gruff tone, Sesshomaru was only mildly surprised the hanyou had realized the male human's presence.
Not swayed in the least, Miroku only moved closer to his distraught friend. Taking a chance, the monk rested his fingers lightly upon Inuyasha's trembling arm, his voice as gentle as the musical tinkling coming from his staff. "Inuyasha, surely you do not wish to do harm to Kaede's village."
Confused yet still angry and afraid, Inuyasha's amber eyes shifted ever so slightly towards the monk. "I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about 'cause the only thing about to get harmed around here is this asshole."
Smiling softly, Miroku only shook his head while letting his eyes travel the length of the hanyou's arm, Tessaiga's transformed blade glinting dangerously in the evening light. "Although Lord Sesshomaru may be your aim, we both know Tessaiga's reach is far greater than your target."
Eyes suddenly going wide with comprehension, Inuyasha stared past the statue still form of his brother to the gathering of small, fragile huts behind. And behind those wooden slats, frightened human eyes and faces could be seen. With shame burning through his body, he lowered Tessaiga, the mighty blade returning to its quiescent form as the tip kissed the ground below the hanyou's feet. Bangs covering his eyes, Inuyasha whispered a quiet, "-Keh," as his only acknowledgement of thanks to Miroku's interference.
But, as Inuyasha's fury cooled, Sesshomaru's burned brighter. Even though the hanyou had lowered his weapon that damned monk's hand remained where it was, resting upon Inuyasha's arm. Although he hadn't a clue why, the Lord of the West didn't like the monk touching the half-breed. He didn't like it one bit.
With crimson leaking into the edges of his golden eyes, Sesshomaru's lips curled back as he fully intended to tell that lecherous human what would become of him should he continue touching the hanyou. But, just as he was about to say something he would undoubtedly regret later, Sesshomaru felt small arms wrap around his thigh – Rin's sweet scent drifting into his enraged senses, and with that scent came a sense of calm.
Muscles slowly relaxing, Sesshomaru dared not look down at the child clinging to his body until he was completely and utterly in control of his raging youkai.
"Lord Sesshomaru, Lady Kaede says it is time for Rin to eat dinner. Are you staying to eat as well?"
Slowly, ever so slowly, the Lord of the West moved his hand down until it was lightly touching the girls hair, but his eyes remained locked on the hanyou before him, Inuyasha's head still bent low but the monk's hand was longer touching where it should not. Forcing his body to calm further, Sesshomaru's voice was devoid of any emotion as he answered, "No Rin, this Sesshomaru must leave."
In answer, Sesshomaru felt an almost miniscule tightening of the girl's arms around his leg before she happily beamed, "Okay. I have to go now. Are you coming back to visit soon?"
Finally looking down into wide, innocent brown eyes, Sesshomaru answered as he always did. "We shall see."
Seemingly content, Rin released the Lord of the West's leg before running over to Miroku and grabbing his hand. "Come on, Monk Miroku, you and Lord Inuyasha have to come and eat too."
Quickly glancing toward the hanyou, Miroku's eyes silently asked if Inuyasha would be okay without him. A shallow, quick nod was his only answer. Smiling for Rin's benefit, Miroku returned the child's grasp and allowed himself to be led away, Rin chattering the entire way to Kaede's small hut.
With the humans gone, Inuyasha blew out a deep and heavy breath before finally sheathing Tessaiga. Hands pushed deep within his wide sleeves, the hanyou made to follow his friends, but Sesshomaru's cold, "Hanyou," stopped him dead in his tracks.
Raising his head, Inuyasha's amber eyes were almost as cold as the golden ones staring back at him and his voice was just as frigid. "No. Whatever the fuck it is you're gonna say, don't."
Not reacting in the slightest, Sesshomaru chose to ignore both the hanyou's words and his earlier feelings regarding the monk's actions. He had come to the village not only to see his ward, but to face the half-breed as well. His position as an InuDaiYoukai and alpha to what was left of the Inu Tribe demanded that he honor the hanyou's actions. And so, no matter how nauseating it was to do so, Sesshomaru had to make some type of amends. Voice low and without emotion, the Lord of the West stated, "This Sesshomaru would like nothing more than to do as you ask, but honor dictates otherwise. For your sacrifice that night, you may request some form of compensation from the Lord of the West."
Ears tilted low, Inuyasha's amber eyes widened in surprise only to flutter closed as dark laughter consumed him. Raw with pain, the mirth lighting his eyes was anything but happy. "Oh . . . gods above, that must have hurt to say."
The slight tightening of Sesshomaru's muscles was the only indication he gave regarding his displeasure at being laughed at. "You find amusement in this Sesshomaru's disgrace?"
Sucking in a harsh breath, Inuyasha's lips curled back from his fangs. "Your disgrace? That's fuckin' rich comin' from you, bastard. But, then again, that's how it's always been – the world revolvin' around your holier than though ass." Shaking his head, all the agonized laughter died from Inuyasha as raw pain took its place. "You don't gotta worry 'cause I don't want jack shit from you. As far as I'm concerned, that night never happened. I plan on forgettin' everything about it."
Given the hanyou's response to him today, Sesshomaru highly doubted Inuyasha would be able to do as he wished, but it made little difference. That night had happened and as such, he owed the half-breed and the sooner the debt was paid, the better. "Inuyasha, whether you wish to deny such happened or – "
Claws pressing deep into his already healing skin, Inuyasha's voice was thick with venom, "Shut up! You stuck-up shitty excuse for an older brother! We are not talkin' about it. If you owe me some damn shit, then just do that and I'll consider the debt paid in full."
Inwardly, Sesshomaru knew he couldn't accept such a thing, but it appeared as if the hanyou was beyond reason. So, instead of fighting, the Lord of the West replied, "Should you think of something, you need only ask." And with that, Sesshomaru turned on his heel and began walking away, the entire time ignoring the hanyou's angered rants and name calling. Already lost to his own thoughts, Sesshomaru had come to the village with the intent of eliminating the hanyou from plaguing his thoughts, but the opposite had occurred. Confused as to both Inuyasha's strange, new scent as well as his little brother's fearful reaction to him, the InuDaiYoukai knew that he was far from finding the peace he so desired.
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Night of the New Moon . . .
Opening his mouth, Inuyasha could no longer contain the scream that tore through his body. Rolling on the floor of Kaede's hut, the young InuHanyou's body was racked with searing fire as it waffled between hanyou and human forms.
"Oh, gods, Lady Kaede, what's happening to him?"
Panting, Inuyasha barely made out Sango's concerned voice as he felt a fresh, cool rag placed upon his brow. Straining his still hanyou shaped puppydog ears, Inuyasha willed Kaede to have an actual answer, but he knew this time would be no different. Both Sango and Miroku had been asking the old miko the same question again and again, and each and every time, Kaede had no answer. None of them did.
"Miroku, can ye form a barrier around the hut? I see no reason any other should hear or sense what is going on here."
A few spoken prayers later, Miroku nodded and answered, "It is done."
"Good. Rin, be a good child and fetch a fresh, cool bucket of water from the well."
Although he couldn't see it, Rin gave a worried look towards the writhing hanyou before quickly grabbing an empty bucket. With a quick, and surprisingly quiet, "I'll be back soon, Lord Inuyasha," the girl was gone, leaving Inuyasha alone once more with Kaede, Sango, Kirara, and Miroku.
Lying there, Inuyasha wasn't sure if he was glad or mortified that he'd stayed in the village instead of finding somewhere else to hide for the night. Knowing how exhausted he'd been in hanyou form, Inuyasha had decided to stay in Kaede's hut when the new moon arrived. He'd thought tonight would be just like any other; perhaps it would be a little harder to stay awake all night, but nothing he couldn't handle. And then, the sun had dropped below the horizon. As his body began its monthly change, something went wrong, terribly wrong. Pain the likes the hanyou had never felt before began radiating like lightning from his abdomen, instantly dropping Inuyasha to his knees. Dizzy, he'd stared as his fingers oscillated between claws and blunt nails, his vision swimming in a sea of hanyou clarity mixed with human fogginess. Puppydog ears shrinking and reforming, his body seemed to be at war with itself, fighting his human transformation like it had never done in the past.
Cheek lying on the cool wooden planks of Kaede's home, Inuyasha stared blankly at his claw tipped fingers, little creases of drying blood coating their corners. He wasn't certain if this blood was because he'd damaged himself in his pain or if it was some weird side effect of the damn nails shrinking and expanding. Either way, he was simply relieved that for the moment, his body seemed to have stabilized in his hanyou form.
No more had that thought passed through his mind, than Inuyasha's stomach cramped, a fresh wave of fire burning through his bones as the new moon once more tried to claim his human half. But tonight, his body was having none of it. Within a matter of moments, he felt his body consumed with white hot pain and while he curled in upon himself, Inuyasha threw his head back as another howl of suffering rent the night.
As the pain retreated, Inuyasha's clenched body fell limp. Panting, it was a few moments before the hanyou realized he was cradled against something softer than the floor. Exhausted eyes fluttering open, Inuyasha looked up into the worried, yet peaceful face of his friend. "M-Miro-ku?"
Smiling softly, Miroku brushed damp, silvery-white strands of hair away from the hanyou's forehead. "We are here, my friend and we are not going anywhere."
Shifting his eyes to the side, Inuyasha watched as Sango dipped a new piece of cloth into the fresh, cool water Rin had been sent to get. Gently, the slayer used the water soaked fabric to wipe the sweat from Inuyasha's face, rinsing it once before laying it on his forehead. "Miroku's right, Inuyasha. I don't know what's going on, but chances are that it will be over come morning. You just have to hang in there." Voice cracking, Sango refused to let the tears gathering in her eyes fall. Seeing the hanyou go through this, having no idea why or how to help ease his pain, was torture. Without Inuyasha's help, they never would have been able to defeat Naraku and bring her brother's soul peace. But it wasn't simply the fact that she owed Inuyasha something, it was that she genuinely loved and trusted the InuHanyou.
Feeling a cooling wetness on his hand, Inuyasha's amber orbs tiredly moved downwards only to see Kaede's gnarled fingers washing the blood from his own. Noticing the hanyou's attention upon her, the old miko smiled. "Ye should listen to Lady Sango, pup." Feeling his hand squeezed within another, Inuyasha's puppydog ears twitched when he heard her say, "Ye are strong. Ye've survived all other types of pain and I've no doubt ye will survive this as well."
Eyes slipping closed, Inuyasha failed to see Kaede's hand as it drifted down his body, her palm hovering over his abdomen as a deep frown pulled at her aged lips.
Head foggy and feeling more tired than he ever had in all his life, Inuyasha wasn't sure if what he was seeing and feeling was real or simply something his own messed up mind had cooked up to try and sooth him in some way. He had a hard time believing anyone, even the humans he had begrudgingly come to consider friends, would so willingly take care of a half-breed. Then again, if this really were just in his mind, then surely Kagome would be there too.
Inuyasha wasn't able to dwell on such thoughts for long as another bought of pain ripped through his being as his body once more tried to transform into a human. Throat raw and sore from screaming, the hanyou silently begged for the sun to return to the sky.
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When morning did finally blessedly arrive, the pain left with the dawn, but if anything, Inuyasha felt more drained and fatigued than ever. Limp with exhaustion, had it not been for the tireless care of his friends, the hanyou wasn't sure he would have survived that night nor the three arduous days following that it seemed to take his body to recover. And then, even when he'd regained enough of his strength to finally leave the hut, Inuyasha still felt unbelievably vulnerable and quickly tired with the most miniscule of activities.
And his tiredness wasn't the only thing plaguing the hanyou. Ever since the night of the new moon, Inuyasha had caught more than one troubled look shot his way from Kaede. When the old miko came close, Inuyasha could feel her sensing him, reaching out with her spiritual energy and whatever it was that she kept feeling, the hanyou knew wasn't good. Kaede knew more than she was saying and Inuyasha didn't know if it was because she simply wasn't sure of what she thought, or if she feared telling him. Either way, it was driving him crazy and the hanyou knew that sooner or later, he'd have to confront her for his own sanity's sake.
Five days after that horrible moonless night, Inuyasha walked into Lady Kaede's hut, expecting to see Miroku, Sango and Rin all huddled around already eating dinner, but to his surprise, there was only Kaede.
Scratching behind an ear, Inuyasha asked, "Am I late or somethin'?"
With a small, tender smile, Kaede shook her head. "Nay. Sango, Kirara and Miroku left earlier today to scout a new piece of land they are considering for their new village. I asked if they thought it safe to take Rin with them. I thought the child would enjoy some time outside the village and – " looking up from where she was sitting upon the floor, Kaede's fragile smile faltered. "We need to speak, Inuyasha."
Swallowing the sudden jolt of fear that statement brought, Inuyasha nodded before sitting down, leaning his body against the wall of the hut as if it were any other ordinary day. "Figured you knew more than you were sayin', ya old wench."
Ignoring the derogative term, Kaede's smile turned sad. "Aye, though I am not sure ye will believe me nor how ye will take the news." Shaking her head, the miko spoke softly, almost to herself as she added, "I was not sure at first, but . . . there be no denying it."
Reaching to his hip, Inuyasha clutched Tessaiga's sheath within both palms. Feeling the familiar, soothing hum of his father's fang eased some of his tension. In his heart, Inuyasha truly believed Kaede was about to tell him he was dying. That either what Sesshomaru had done to him that night, or perhaps something else, had finally managed to kill his half-breed ass – slow and painful. But whatever the cause, Inuyasha had never been one to beat around the bush like this. Life was shit. It beat you up and spit you out and no matter how much you fought to stay in your own shitty little life, eventually, death came for everyone. It had claimed his almighty father and one day the Reaper would even come a knockin' on Sesshomaru's door. The fact that he'd managed to live as long as he had was more than just a minor accomplishment and Inuyasha had already schooled himself to be both content and proud of that.
And so, with all that in mind, the hanyou callously stated, "Yer to old to keep stressin' out about shit ya can't do nothin' about, so just spit it out already and let's move on. Whatever it is, I can handle it."
Chuckling low in her throat, Kaede gave a genuine smile. "Ye never cease to amaze me, Inuyasha. Who would have thought such a being as ye could have ever brought me so much worry and joy."
Blushing, Inuyasha always hated it when Kaede fussed over him and said such sappy things. "-Keh, you've lost what sense you had, ya old bat."
Softly whispering a, "Perhaps," Kaede placed her well-worn hands in her lap. "Inuyasha, I must ask if ye have any idea as to what is ailing ye?"
Shifting slightly, the hanyou felt the heavy weight of Tessaiga shift within his hands. "Not exactly, though I don't figure it's anything good."
Lowering her head, Kaede could only close her eyes in wonder. The mere fact that Inuyasha wasn't denying something was terribly wrong spoke to just how grave the situation had become.
Head leaned forward; Inuyasha reached out and thumped a clawed finger lightly against the miko's lowered forehead, instantly grabbing her attention. "I can't protect you weak humans like this, so if you got any ideas you better start talkin'."
Touching the skin upon her forehead, Kaede marveled at the hanyou's actions. Inuyasha rarely, if ever, initiated contact with any of them making such a small gesture priceless in her eyes. Inwardly, Kaede wanted to scold Inuyasha for thinking this was only about the human villagers' safety, but she knew better than to travel down that verbal road. And so, with a deep breath, Kaede started, "I do not speak to belittle or degrade ye, Inuyasha, but since ye be a hanyou, I had never thought it possible."
Ears perked, Inuyasha felt his grip on Tessaiga tighten even more. This whole time, he'd been thinking it was his human blood that was the problem, but from what little Kaede had said, he was beginning to believe it was his other half that was causing all the problems. Frowning, Inuyasha asked, "What's that got to do with it?"
Sitting up as straight as her arthritic back would allow, Kaede ignored the hanyou's inquiry and instead steeled herself for her next question. "I know this be an intrusive question, but I must ask, have ye been intimate with any other male recently?"
Instantly, Inuyasha felt a bone chilling cold take hold of his body as all the blood drained from his extremities. Ears pinned to the top of his head, eyes wide and full of horror, the hanyou felt the slightest of tremors begin and forced his hands to be still. Opening his mouth, Inuyasha started to answer but found he had no voice. Lips dry and cracked, his tongue darted out, desperately trying to moisten them before uttering a hushed, "W-what the hell does t-that have to do with anything?"
The lack of denial told Kaede everything she needed to know. "I would wager this male was youkai?"
"L-listen, ya old – "
Arm darting out faster than her age should allow, Kaede's fingers fell over Inuyasha's icy ones, both hands now encircling Tessaiga. "Ye know I mean no judgment, Inuyasha." Staring up into those wide, surprisingly innocent eyes, Kaede could see the fear lying below. The fear the hanyou was desperately trying to hide and yet failing miserably at. "Inuyasha, I know ye did not grow up with youkai, but ye have been around them enough to know what can happen when two males mate. Although it is rare, even in full blooded youkai, there is the possibility – "
"Stop."
The word was whispered so low, Kaede almost missed it. Obeying the request, the old miko remained silent as she allowed her words to be absorbed and processed. Kaede wasn't sure if only seconds or minutes had passed with only the harsh breathing of the hanyou to measure the time, but eventually, she released Inuyasha's hand and began moving her own lower until the wrinkled palm of her skin lay against the soft fur of the hanyou's firerat, the weight of her hand resting over the pulsing life now sheltered within such a fragile shell.
Feeling the miko's hand move, Inuyasha's amber eyes followed its decent, his own fingers slowly releasing their death grip upon his father's fang as he mirrored her actions and laid his own hand atop Kaede's.
Inhaling deeply, Inuyasha struggled to get his fear under control. Although denial of what the miko had claimed had come swiftly to his lips, he'd squashed such thoughts almost as quickly. Kaede had never lied to him, never sugarcoated things, never used him for her own gain. Of course, the old wench could be wrong, but Inuyasha doubted it. Kaede's spiritual powers were strong and she'd been right about things too often for him to discount her words now.
Staring down at both their hands resting upon his abdomen, Inuyasha felt nausea roll through his belly. He could argue with Kaede all he wanted, but some part of him knew she was right. Something within his body had changed . . . something was draining his energy, his stamina and his quick healing abilities. But this . . . this explained everything. He was carrying . . . "Oh, gods."
Seeking to comfort, Kaede started, "Inuyasha, it is not as bad – "
Mind racing, Inuyasha felt blood rushing through his temples, drowning out all other noise. The pup he was carrying, it was Sesshomaru's. His gods be damned hateful brother. Blinking down at his abdomen, Inuyasha thought he should probably hate the life that was feeding off his own. After all, this was Sesshomaru's spawn and it had been created in the most violent and degrading way possible, and yet . . . he couldn't hate it - not even as a fleeting notion. What was growing inside him was a life, innocent of how it had been created. The thing inside him was no more at fault for being conceived than Inuyasha had been. Others in similar circumstances may have thought differently, and he wouldn't fault them for a moment, but for him, there was no question.
Releasing his other hand from Tessaiga, Inuyasha wrapped this arm around his abdomen, the gesture visually indicating his growing protective instinct. And with that instinct came the sudden realization that this was Sesshomaru's pup – a pup that would most likely be hanyou . . . Head snapping up, Inuyasha's amber eyes were wide with a new type of fear. "He'll kill it."
Hand pulling away, Kaede followed the hanyou's movements, her dark brown eyes narrowed in concentration and worry. "I do not understand. Whom do ye speak of?"
Only now realizing he'd spoken out loud, Inuyasha clamped his mouth shut tight. Although he trusted Kaede more than any other living creature, the fewer who knew about his pup's sire, the better. And so, pushing down his fear, Inuyasha shakily got to his feet, all the while keeping an arm tucked tightly over his belly. "Nobody. Forget it."
Brows furrowed, Kaede pushed her aching joints up from the floor. "Inuyasha – "
Frustrated and angry, the hanyou growled, "I said it ain't none of your business, wench!"
Far from offended, Kaede had had enough experience with Inuyasha to understand how the young InuHanyou dealt with his fears. And, when he was like this, it was best to back off and let him settle. "As ye wish, I meant no offense."
Ashamed of lashing out, Inuyasha's amber eyes fell to the floor. No matter how careful he tried to be of the people he cared about, somehow he always managed to hurt them, either physically or emotionally. On the heels of that thought came another; that he could not risk staying in Kaede's village, not with Rin living here. The bastard still seemed to care for the human child and within a month, maybe two, Sesshomaru's ice-cold ass would come waltzing in once more. Inuyasha knew there was only so long he'd be able to hide his condition. In fact, he was kind of surprised the asshole hadn't figured it out the last time he was here.
Perhaps he wasn't one hundred percent sure, but Inuyasha was almost that positive that Sesshomaru would try and kill his pup. Knowing his friends well, the hanyou had no doubts they would try and protect him, but Inuyasha knew the outcome of such an event – death. Maybe if Miroku still had his Wind Tunnel, maybe then they'd stand a chance, but not now. The earth would be soaked in their blood and once more, he'd be the one to blame. No, Inuyasha definitely could not take such a chance.
Alone. He'd be alone again. Head lowered, Inuyasha battled the tears threatening his honor. Blinking rapidly, the hanyou finally raised his head, eyes full of determination. "Thanks . . . you know, for everything."
Stiffening, Kaede's concern grew. "There is no need for ye to thank me, Inuyasha."
Shrugging, the hanyou's gaze drifted towards the doorway of Kaede's hut, a move not missed by the miko. "Ye are thinking of leaving."
With a deep sigh, Inuyasha's ears twitched before limply drooping to the side. "I can't stay, it's too dangerous."
"Too dangerous for ye and the pup, or for the rest of us?"
Voice tired, Inuyasha answered a simple, "Both."
Lips pursed, Kaede felt powerless and it was a feeling she hated. As a learned miko, Kaede understood that to have produced a pup in a male hanyou, especially one as young as Inuyasha, the sire had to be a very powerful youkai. The very fact that such a new life had been able to stop the hanyou's transformation on his human night spoke to the power behind this new life. And, it was a power that was both a blessing and curse. If the life growing within the InuHanyou were not so strong, it would have perished on the night of the new moon. Yet it was that very power that had drained Inuyasha to very dangerous levels. The small pup was feeding off the InuHanyou's youkai and evidently, its appetite was near insatiable.
Deep in thought, Kaede finally voiced her thoughts. "Inuyasha, ye do not have the energy reserves ye once had – "
With his pride pricked, the hanyou's eyes narrowed. "I can damn well protect my pup just fine on my own."
Shaking her head, Kaede knew what she'd said was hard on Inuyasha, but she had to make sure he understood. "It is not that I doubt ye capability, Inuyasha, but the youkai who sired yer pup is very powerful and as such, that strength has been inherited by the life ye now carry. Although not for malicious reasons, the pup is dangerously draining yer youkai. Without the sire to help protect – "
"-Keh," Inuyasha huffed, "You're talkin' like I'm some damn, weak human like you."
"Nay, that is not what I meant, as ye are very well aware." Allowing a moment for her rebuke to set in, when Inuyasha's eyes lowered, Kaede continued, "On the moonless night, ye were in so much pain and for three days and nights following, ye could hardly sit to eat or drink. Keeping ye in hanyou form drained the life within ye and after that night was over, it needed to pull a tremendous amount of energy to recover. It be no fault of yer own, but ye can not protect ye own self, let alone the life of the pup within."
Head lowered, Inuyasha knew Kaede was right but at the same time, getting Sesshomaru involved was absolutely no guarantee that his pup would be any safer. If anything, the bastard would simply run him through upon hearing the news. Sighing deeply, the hanyou shook his head. "So, you tellin' me each new moon is gonna be like that?"
"Aye, most likely." Breathing in deeply, Kaede felt a measure of exhaustion begin taking over her body. "I have no idea how the next few months will pass – whether or not the draining will worsen or improve as the pup grows. But if it worsens . . . I fear for both ye lives."
Hand firmly grabbing Tessaiga's hilt, Inuyasha desperately wanted to get pissed at the old miko before him, but he knew she was right and Kaede's voice had only put words to his own fears. Still, it didn't matter. There were no choices in this and he would have to do what he'd always done and find a way to survive. "It don't matter. The sire ain't an option."
Still not understanding, Kaede pressed on. "I know ye are worried for yer hanyou status and that of yer pup, but as I've already said, yer pup is very powerful and would be a worthy heir for such a strong youkai." With a slight shake of her head, the miko added, "The sire didn't seem to mind mating with a hanyou, so perhaps ye are overestimating this youkai's reaction."
Giving a pained laugh, Inuyasha shook his head. "Trust me, what happened that night was far from matin' and I was far from the bastard's choice."
In an instant, Kaede felt a sickening knot coil within the pit of her belly. "Inuyasha, do ye mean to say – "
"-Keh, ya don't have to look all worried and shit. I've taken and survived a lot worse shit in my life than forcefully gettin' rutted." Running a finger under his nose, Inuyasha shifted Tessaiga's weight as he blindly stared across the hut. "'Sides, it wasn't his fault, not really. The jackass wouldn't a touched me like that if he'd been in his right mind." From what sounded like a great distance, Kaede heard Inuyasha whisper, "He didn't know what the fuck he was doin'."
Shaking her head, the miko turned sympathetic eyes towards the hanyou. "Still, the outcome – "
"The outcome is what it is and there ain't nothin' any of us can do to change it and talkin' about what happened sure as shit ain't gonna make it magically disappear or get any better." Hating the look of pity he saw in Kaede's eyes, Inuyasha let his anger take over. "I don't need pity from an old, weak ass human so stop starin' at me like that, wench."
Far from getting angry at the outcry, Kaede schooled her features. Inuyasha was a proud creature and she had just insulted him. "Forgive my foolishness."
"I don't need your apologies."
"Regardless, ye have them." Seeing that she was only making him increasingly uncomfortable, Kaede decided Inuyasha was correct. Regardless of how it had happened, the young InuHanyou was now carrying a pup – a pup that was draining his youkai in order to live and grow.
Shuffling forwards, Kaede approached the hanyou with care. Now that he knew he was carrying a life, Inuyasha would be very protective and she did not wish to appear threatening in any way. Seeing no signs of impending tension, the miko gently laid a hand upon his sleeve. "I have never met any as strong as thee, Inuyasha. Life has been unkind to ye, but it is not a weakness to ask for help when ye are in need."
Head lowered and hands tightly tucked into his sleeves, Inuyasha knew he had to make Kaede understand the danger they were all in. Although he had no intentions of telling her that his brother was the sire, he could still instill the fear of the DaiYoukai. "And when Sesshomaru finds out that his half-breed brother, the one he claims should have been slaughtered while still in my human mother's womb, is carrying another impure creature . . . what the fuck do you think he's gonna do?"
Sucking in a quick breath, Kaede's singular brown eye opened wide as her arthritic hand clamped down upon the hardened muscle of the hanyou's arm. "Surely ye do not still think – "
"Think what? That Sesshomaru will ram Bakusaiga straight through my belly when he catches wind of this?" Amber eyes hard with memories of past pain, Inuyasha nodded as he softly answered, "He'd do it without thought or remorse."
"But he cares for Rin," Kaede offered. Despite her knowledge of youkai, the old miko was first, and foremost, human and the thought of doing something to such an innocent life was beyond even her comprehension.
"Yeah, cares for her like some type of weird human pet. She might be human, but she's all human and as far as he's concerned, Rin hasn't committed the biggest fuckin' sin of all time – dilutin' father's blood." Pulling a hand free of its normal resting spot within the sleeve of his firerat, Inuyasha laid his palm over the life growing inside him. "He'll see this as just another way I'm taintin' father's legacy or some dumb bullshit." Turning his head, he fastened his amber eyes on the still remarkably clear brown of Kaede. "I can't beat him, not like this. I can't protect myself or my pup against the bastard and I sure as shit can't protect a bunch of humans against his malicious ass when they stupidly try and help. I can't take that risk, Kaede."
Smiling sadly, Kaede took a risk and leaned her body forwards, resting her weight upon Inuyasha. "After all these years spent with humans, and ye still do not understand."
Allowing the rare contact, Inuyasha scoffed, "I know all I need to know about humans."
"Nay, evidently ye do not or ye would understand that this in not just thee's decision."
"-Keh, you've lost your gods be damned mind 'cause there ain't nobody else whose decision this is."
"Ye lived so long alone, Inuyasha, it is not surprising ye do not yet understand. But now ye have friends - friends that would willingly fight and die for ye just as ye would for them. Without question or thought, yer friends' would do this. To leave without a word, to walk away with the intention of saving them would do nothing of the kind. Miroku, Sango, Kirara . . . we all love ye and will love ye's pup as it is a part of thee. Not allowing yer friends to share the burden will cause nothing but anger and hurt."
Momentarily silent, Inuyasha thought over Kaede's words and knew them to be true, at least, that's how he'd feel if the roles were reversed. But even so, he could not do as Kaede asked. He would not willingly risk their lives to save his own or even that of his growing pup. With that thought in mind, Inuyasha's amber eyes grew distant as he answered a quiet, "But they'll live, Kaede. They'll live."
Sad, but don't worry. I told everyone at the beginning of this story that one of the major themes was regarding friendship so infer from that what you will :-) This is the first story that I've really written Rin into. I have always been a bit fascinated by her seeming obliviousness to the danger that she is in, not to mention her unwavering devotion to Sesshomaru.
If memory serves (a big "if" there), I think the next chapter will have a bit more on our hanyou's latest enemy (the one having to do with the fury youkai). It also might be the next chapter that Bakusen'O makes an appearance (if not that one, then probably the next). I still wish I had a wise Bakusen'O in my life, but no matter how many trees I plant, none of them seem to be in the talking mood :-)
Thanks to those whom are still reading and reviewing. Until next Tues . . . lunamist
